Was I a fool?

[Missinghim24]

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a colleague last year.
We have worked together a long time, though located in different countries (We are both the same nationality but he lives in the Uk), we saw each other at work events a few times a year.
Last year our work messages got more personal and we shared that we liked each other. He told me his stay at home wife is always annoyed with him, she doesn't get along with his family and hasn't learned his language - nor have their children so he felt very isolated. She didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I understood what it takes to do the job.
After a few weeks he told her about us, and messaged me to say that he wants his family and has to end it. I accepted that.
But then we saw each other a few days later. He said he'd had to say that as she was threatening to move away with the children. He was very upset so we went back to his hotel room to talk. We ended up sleeping together. When he returned home he moved out and I thought we would be together. But he went back to his wife.
I understand what we did was wrong, but i though he was so unhappy and really cared for me.
Since then he has ignored me completely. His wife has contacted me, telling me I'm young and foolish and should have seen it would never work, that she and the children hate me and will always be part of his life whatever happens (I'm only 11 years younger, he is in his 40s I'm in my early 30s ). That I can't understand as I'm not a mother. I ignored her so she posted about me on social media, so my colleagues, family and friends all know now too. I asked him to stop her but he said it's between her and me.
Was I really stupid to think this was something, that he cared? I would not repeat this mistake but I thought I really meant something to him.

You're welcome. As much as I will always advocate for a betrayed partner, I understand that your position holds its own pain, and that you too are left trying to make sense of what has happened on your own. It is common for affair partners to deploy a mechanism of denial, exceptionalism and othering to insulate themselves from the harm they are inflicting on the betrayed partner, and it can be difficult when this protective structure begins to dismantle in the face of the narratives of betrayed spouses and children -it can be hard to understand how you, who are probably a good person in so many other areas of your life, could have such a blind spot for the suffering you were complicit in causing.

This.

I don’t think the wives ever realise exactly who they are married to.

If they could be a fly on the wall to hear the things he says/does in front of the OW (possibly even just other people in general) they would be in absolute shock.

They are pathological.

I honestly would not have understood how much this hurts either before I was married. I hadn’t a clue about how much of myself I would give to my children and my husband. It’s everything, for your family and I understand that you do not get this at all but you will someday and you will have a new level of loathing for him then.
You made a big mistake.
He made a bigger one. Forget him.

He had made me believe that his wife wasn't happy either. I knew she would be hurt at the deception but assumed they would just part ways as people do.
I felt at the time when he went back that he'd done so out of guilt, obligation, for the children and/ or because it was easier. I felt that he'd given up on being happy and made all three of us miserable in the process.
I was frustrated when his wife said I can't understand because I'm young and don't have children. But it seems that is true. I cannot understand her level of anger or either of them choosing to stay and be unhappy.
As you say perhaps when I have a family of my own I will understand.
I no longer have positive feelings towards him, quire the opposite but I have wanted to feel that there were feelings there on both sides. Not strong enough ones I suppose.
I will accept his choices and I will certainly never get into such a situation again.

It’s really not easy to ‘part ways’.
She will always be in his life and so will her children. They are intertwined for all eternity.

yeah, you fell for his sob story. he got his leg over, had his fun and has moved on.

@Missinghim24

You are annoying me so much with your faux naive “what we had was so special” attitude.

She MARRIED him.
She had children with him.

Of course she loved him / maybe still
loves him.

What have YOU done other than shag him once?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. That is awful.

I'm also watching the fallout of an affair and breakdown of a marriage. I think people downplay the hurt and confusion that is felt by the wife but, as you very unfortunately found out, it has a considerable affect on the wife and their childrens' mental health. I'm trying to offer as much support as I can but I feel helpless, and I feel hatred for the husband and affair partner for doing that to a woman who is worth so much more than this shit!

My child was significantly impacted because they were the one who discovered the incriminating messages with the ow. These things are not always controllable.

You knowingly had an affair with a married man who has children and you honestly don't think that you and he deserve to be publicly shamed? I mean you do understand thats shes outed him aswell because she's saying that he had an affair with you.
In future if you don't want to be named and shamed don't have an affair with a married man, it really is that simple.

Online harassment and abuse like you're directing at the op can also have similar outcomes.

I think it's sad that you're dishonouring your friend's memory by using her as justification to give strangers a kicking on the internet.

When married affair partners tell their new romantic partners that their spouses too are 'unhappy', it can be easy to, through a kind of emotional shorthand, arrive at the conclusion that the betrayed partner ultimately also wants out of the marriage, and that, while initially upsetting, they will eventually settle into the new normal. The affair partner can concede it's likely to get a bit messy, but can take comfort in the perception that it would almost certainly have happened 'anyway', so the situation they're co-creating along with the married affair partner was almost 'inevitable', right? More often than not, one can safely assume, the 'also unhappy' spouse would much rather end their unhappiness either through
a) a process of mutual commitment to work on the relationship with their spouse and address the issues which have brought them to a point of feeling unhappy,
or
b) a process of mutual commitment to cleanly and respectfully de-couple and sort out the many practical, financial and emotional aspects of dissolving a relationship such as a marriage, while also learning to co-parent effectively within the new parameters of their unfolding partnership.
Both of these options almost certainly preclude the involvement of another romantic interest as far as the betrayed spouse is concerned.

I thought I had been there for him when he needed someone to be. That I had shown him care and kindness when he wasn't getting that from his home.
I'm sorry you're finding me frustrating, I'm just trying to explain my side.
I understand that they obviously had something special in the beginning, they wouldn't have married and started a family otherwise. I also understand that sometimes such relationships reach their end. I understood the situation was complicated as they have children and she is dependent on him financially. I felt that he had found himself stuck in responsibility, trying to do the right things by everyone but desperately unhappy and unable to share that with anyone else. I felt that we had a really deep connection and just happened to also be attracted to one another.
I'm understanding that this was probably more in my head than his. Maybe it ultimately helped him figure out he wanted his family and work things out with his wife

You don't get to take any credit for their working things out.
Yes of course they loved each other. They built a family together.
Most likely he was doing a shitty job of being a husband so looked to you to make him feel more of a man. You say he left her for a while, then went back. Id bet money she kicked him out and he panicked when what he really loves was on the line.

Not at all saying I endorse this behaviour - just that if you’re going to shit into someone else’s life with giddy abandon, they may behave erratically when they find out!

Sorry to be so blunt but you ment nothing to him. You didn't have some deep meaningful connection with him, he just fed you a tired old line until he got his end away nothing more. Oh and no you didn't help him figure out what he wanted nor did you give him anything he wasn't getting elsewhere except maybe an ego stroke.

Honestly did you really think that you could play a part in destroying his children's family and then just waltz in and play happy families with him and his kids, playing stepmother to those children and his wife would be fine with that or that those children wouldn't hate you?
You do realise how badly you are coming across with all your woe is me i was hurt too? You and he hurt her, their children and yourself, that is a choice you made when you chose to have an affair. If you need to blame someone for your hurt look in a mirror.

@Missinghim24

You thought you were there for him? On calls and texts?

Do you think he was not calling texting and sleeping with his wife at the same time as you?

She was maybe unhappy because YOU were providing a distraction from reality. If he really wanted to he would have left. It’s so easy these days.

You really are deluded and foolish and stupid to be 100% honest. I cant say the words i want to say because I will be reported.

Your actions have shattered a family, including innocent children who have no want for this - because of text messages, a special connection and ONE shag.

Are you happy with yourself with your “what we have is such a special connection” having fucked in a hotel room, never cooked for him, never done laundry for him, never met his parents, never got any commitment other than texts calls and a fuck -
ONE fuck.

That is your contribution to imploding a whole family.

You are either a bit dim, deluded or just not a very good person. Or all.

He is fully at fault. He acted in a horrible deceitful cowardly way. He had the vows to keep.

But dont lie to yourself about your own conduct and part in this. That is where your foolishness lies.

Hope it never happens to you.

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend @TwistedWonder - it’s so sad that the actions of a selfish airhead can lead to such terrible consequences.

OP - I can’t believe that even in your last post you’re still trying to justify what you did - if someone is married and tells you that they plan on leaving their partner, then any decent person would wait until they had moved out and ended the relationship before becoming involved and hopping into bed with them for a quick shag, being fully aware that he was married, with a wife and children. You said that perhaps you will understand the enormity of what you have done when/if you have a family of your own - just remember what you (and of course the scumbag of a man) have done to an innocent woman and her children if the same is done to you in the future. When that happens, it will just be payback for your actions.

Being called out for your own shitty behaviour, which you have willingly posted about on an open forum, can have a “similar outcome” to finding out your spouse has cheated, lied, deceived you, betrayed your children and risked your physical, never mind mental, health?
Op had a choice in all of this and she chose poorly. The wife in this scenario had zero choice. I very much doubt the dickhead husband said “oh Darling, I quite fancy this new bit of skirt at work. Would you mind awfully if I fed her a load of bullshit about you and us, in order to get my leg over”. Removal of one’s agency is one of the most damaging things about infidelity. Op had agency to do what she did and post about it. The wife in this scenario had none.

You have just found out the hard way why it’s never a great idea to get involved with someone who is not really available, whatever they tell you.

I’m so sorry, now though, give yourself a break, learn the lesson and don’t put yourself through this pain again.

@Missinghim24
I hryc and what stands out to me is how you continually bend and direct every hurt to be yours.
E.g when you mentioned her publicizing your affair, you said: “I didn't publicly shame her though.”

You slept with another woman’s husband. Should she spare you the public scrutiny? So because you slept with him in secret, she should weep and hurt in secret?
she chose to deal with her pain this way.

Am afraid you seem to be low in empathy aka putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.

Also, you are a thief. You stole what doesn’t belong to you. You stole from the children involved. They are school age so what? Who raised them up to that age?

The woman you stole from.

Am sure you will come back with another excuse.

FTR, I have never been cheated on. As a human, what you did was despicable. Your pain is not in valid. But please, make more room in you mind for the woman’s pain and hurt.

I don't expect her to hurt in secret I just found it unnecessary for her to shame me so publicly.
I understand that what we did hurt her more than I had expected, more than he'd led me to believe it would and more than I can understand.
I don't think it would be very appropriate for me to bang on about the guilt I feel, given that I was involved in hurting her.

I don't expect her to hurt in secret I just found it unnecessary for her to shame me so publicly.

I think this is what the young people call fuck around and find out. I tell my nephews not to do anything they wouldn’t be comfortable having announced over a bus loudspeaker.

Perhaps redirect your sense of injustice about this to thanking your lucky stars that you still have a job to go back to, you really sailed close to the wind there - though in my experience, unfair as it is, the other women fare much worse than the married men do. Don't be too surprised if colleagues start creeping around to you to offer their penis support.

What the hell would you think would have been appropriate action for the wife to have taken? If it helps her to come to terms with the fury of what you and her husband have done to her and her family, and her justified hatred of you, then good luck to her. I don’t know why you bothered starting this thread as you clearly don’t have the slightest insight into how the majority of women would feel in the situation you engineered, and the morals of an alley cat.

This has been an absolutely fascinating insight into the utter self-absorption of those who actively choose to get involved with married people. Yes, I know the MN position that it is all the cheating spouse's fault. I tend to think it is a bit more complex. These people out there, so monumentally selfish and entitled, who think they are so special that they have the right to hop into bed with someone married and not consider the consequences. And that they are such a great catch that after a couple of weeks of flirty texts and a sordid night in a Premier Inn, they are worth ending a long term marriage for. If they weren't so willing to behave so appallingly, cheaters would find it a whole lot harder to find people to cheat with. I guess they are probably two sides of the same coin, considering the self centred attitude of the cheater.

I asked a cheating husband once what his OW meant to him. His response was 'nothing, she is just a useful distraction, someone who is nice to me at the moment'. The OW was nothing other than a toy. He discarded her when he was done playing. He too found his wife was a lot more forgiving than he had given her credit for. I suspect this type of casual meaningless affair is a lot more common than the 'star crossed lovers, throw everything away type', and indulged in by middle aged men desperately seeking to convince themselves they still have it. And while there are women like OP willing to pander to their failing ego, affairs will continue.