Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flags?

80 replies

ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 11:27

Which of these would put you off?

Man aged 40, good looking, great sex but...

Doesn't have his own place - rents a house with a flatmate, concerned about forthcoming rent increase.

Doesn't have a job - lives off savings but isn't affluent as he can't afford to live alone. Says he'll get a job when the money runs out.

Has a daughter aged 17 he has no contact with for past few years. Says it's due to the mum not being able to have him (they split when she was a baby) . He hasn't gone through court as he says the system is stacked against fathers and he'll probably lose. Also I'm unsure if he could afford it.

OP posts:
mamajong · 26/12/2025 11:27

Doesnt sound like a great catch imo

Ukholidaysaregreat · 26/12/2025 11:28

That's about 5 different red flags?!

NewCushions · 26/12/2025 11:29

Sounds awful

TwistedWonder · 26/12/2025 11:35

More red flags than the Russia army parading through Moscow on May Day.

Sounds like a cocklodger in waiting - great sex isn’t worth the rest of his baggage

Clarehandaust · 26/12/2025 11:37

There’s no point in dragging a 17-year-old through the court system. Once they’re over the age of 12. The children vote with their feet so that on its own is enough to tell you all you need to know.

YodasHairyButt · 26/12/2025 11:38

Nope. Throw it back in the pond.

Comedycook · 26/12/2025 11:39

No job and doesn't see his child...Run like the wind.

Robertsmithsnan · 26/12/2025 11:39

TwistedWonder · 26/12/2025 11:35

More red flags than the Russia army parading through Moscow on May Day.

Sounds like a cocklodger in waiting - great sex isn’t worth the rest of his baggage

💯 💯 💯 💯

Endofyear · 26/12/2025 11:48

Yeah big big red flags!! Definitely not relationship material. If the sex is great, maybe just keep him as a shag buddy? DO NOT let him move in!!!

Bananalanacake · 26/12/2025 11:52

Never have a relationship with an unemployed man, you just know they're going to start sponging off you. You could enjoy casual dating but don't let him move in.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 26/12/2025 11:53

he says the system is stacked against fathers and he'll probably lose

MRA. Don't walk away from this man, run as fast as you can away from him.

Everything else screams "cocklodger".

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 26/12/2025 11:53

The living/income/work situation wouldn’t automatically being a stopper for me, as long as he didn’t expect to move in with me, formally or by stealth, or be subsidised by me. But I wasn’t looking to cohabit or combine finances with a partner when I was single.

He would have to have his shit together though - it is possible for that to be the case in his circumstances I think.

The MRA attitude to his ex and his daughter would be a massive no way though.

ladygindiva · 26/12/2025 11:53

TwistedWonder · 26/12/2025 11:35

More red flags than the Russia army parading through Moscow on May Day.

Sounds like a cocklodger in waiting - great sex isn’t worth the rest of his baggage

100% this

Clarehandaust · 26/12/2025 11:59

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 26/12/2025 11:53

The living/income/work situation wouldn’t automatically being a stopper for me, as long as he didn’t expect to move in with me, formally or by stealth, or be subsidised by me. But I wasn’t looking to cohabit or combine finances with a partner when I was single.

He would have to have his shit together though - it is possible for that to be the case in his circumstances I think.

The MRA attitude to his ex and his daughter would be a massive no way though.

There’s no way you could not end up subsidising a person in that situation every single coffee cake pub meal cinema ticket would be on you because they are literally trying to eek out their savings to cover their basic survival

FoxFeatures · 26/12/2025 11:59

That’s not just a red flag but red bunting.

Newname29 · 26/12/2025 12:00

Run for the hills!

Original poster
ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 12:08

Thanks for the replies. Red bunting comment tickled me!

He lives just outside London so rent is expensive.

I have no idea how much he has in savings but it's enough to buy his mum a £4k car recently. Because he didn't want her travelling to work at unsocial hours by public transport.

He has a dog he refers to as his son. He relies on his flatmate to help with the dog. Maybe that's why he doesn't live alone, I'm not sure .

I was wondering if going to court for access is too expensive but if it was my kids I'd try at least.

OP posts:
Kingsleadhat · 26/12/2025 12:11

I'd be most concerned about the lack.of contact with his daughter and if I were to continue with the relationship would do a Clares law. There's normally a good reason for it

Zanatdy · 26/12/2025 12:11

What would put me off is the lack of job and fact he doesn’t see his DD. I don’t judge people on whether they own a home or not. Plenty of reasons why people rent, whether that’s a home or a room, especially if live in an expensive area. But lack of job I couldn’t put up with, as I have a strong work ethic personally and couldn’t be with someone who sat around doing nothing all day.

awrbc81 · 26/12/2025 12:12

Not having a job would massively put me off in those circumstances- maybe if it was for a reason like he decided to take a career break to travel or retrain, but not to just live off savings.

The daughter is also a massive red flag

The flat share I could live with

Clarehandaust · 26/12/2025 12:14

ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 12:08

Thanks for the replies. Red bunting comment tickled me!

He lives just outside London so rent is expensive.

I have no idea how much he has in savings but it's enough to buy his mum a £4k car recently. Because he didn't want her travelling to work at unsocial hours by public transport.

He has a dog he refers to as his son. He relies on his flatmate to help with the dog. Maybe that's why he doesn't live alone, I'm not sure .

I was wondering if going to court for access is too expensive but if it was my kids I'd try at least.

You didn’t read the bit about it being pointless taking a child over the age to 12 to court then because they’ll just tell the court they don’t want to see him.

CharlotteLightandDark · 26/12/2025 12:16

Not getting a job until you’ve run out of savings seems silly to me, unless you’re trying to write a novel or something…

the child thing is also a big ick

id keep him as a fwb but he’s not giving boyfriend material at all

Original poster
ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 12:18

Clarehandaust · 26/12/2025 12:14

You didn’t read the bit about it being pointless taking a child over the age to 12 to court then because they’ll just tell the court they don’t want to see him.

Show quote history

Oh right thanks I didn't know that. I guess it could be a red flag if she's decided not to have contact herself then. Although he says it's because of her mum.
I know she had contact with his other family members which he was annoyed about.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 26/12/2025 12:22

ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 12:18

Oh right thanks I didn't know that. I guess it could be a red flag if she's decided not to have contact herself then. Although he says it's because of her mum.
I know she had contact with his other family members which he was annoyed about.

Show quote history

Oh I'd love to hear mums side of the story!

Fwiw at 17, i imagine if she wanted to see him, it would be pretty difficult to stop her... pretty telling that she has made that decision.

Oh and the talk of the impending rent increase makes me very suspicious as to his intentions towards you...as they say, no one falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to stay...

TwistedWonder · 26/12/2025 12:25

Comedycook · 26/12/2025 12:22

Oh I'd love to hear mums side of the story!

Fwiw at 17, i imagine if she wanted to see him, it would be pretty difficult to stop her... pretty telling that she has made that decision.

Oh and the talk of the impending rent increase makes me very suspicious as to his intentions towards you...as they say, no one falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to stay...

Show quote history

100% this