Page 3 | Red flags?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 27/12/2025 06:44

All of the above. Not having a plan for a career isn’t great at that age. The daughter thing too. Not for me at least.

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/12/2025 06:49

This man has probably engineered this living situation - shared rental/no job - so that he can avoid paying any support to the mother of his child. At 17 his DD could easily see him if she chose to. The fact she doesn't want to tells you all you need to know about his parenting.

Don't be fooled either about him getting a job anytime soon. No doubt he'd use his dog as an excuse for that, because "it cant be left all day".

It's very sad that at 40, his only bragging rights are to his sexual prowess and his ability to drive fast. What a saddo. You've not just dodged a bullet OP, you've dodged a full on attack from an AK-47! He's done you a huge favour by dumping you and I hope you find the strength to stay away from him.

CalzoneOnLegs · 27/12/2025 06:54

@Arlanymor
I Bet he plays PC Games all night and sleeps all day

PollyDarton1 · 27/12/2025 06:56

This man would make me drier than the Sahara desert.

RavenFinch · 27/12/2025 11:18

PollyDarton1 · 27/12/2025 06:56

This man would make me drier than the Sahara desert.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

RavenFinch · 27/12/2025 11:35

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/12/2025 06:49

This man has probably engineered this living situation - shared rental/no job - so that he can avoid paying any support to the mother of his child. At 17 his DD could easily see him if she chose to. The fact she doesn't want to tells you all you need to know about his parenting.

Don't be fooled either about him getting a job anytime soon. No doubt he'd use his dog as an excuse for that, because "it cant be left all day".

It's very sad that at 40, his only bragging rights are to his sexual prowess and his ability to drive fast. What a saddo. You've not just dodged a bullet OP, you've dodged a full on attack from an AK-47! He's done you a huge favour by dumping you and I hope you find the strength to stay away from him.

"Don't be fooled about him getting a job anytime soon ......"

No, he probably will get a job eventually - but this will be in a few years when:

He has exhausted his savings, cadging off friends, cadging off the chum he flat shares with, cadging off girlfriends etc.
If he's still under 60 years old and in good health, this man will eventually, reluctantly get a minimum wage job when he has to and all his savings / other avenues have run dry.

It's quite difficult to live on basic Universal Credit of £400 a month. For many unemployed people Housing Benefit does not cover their full rent.

For example:
If the local LHA rate is £500 pcm but his rent is £600 - that's £100 a month extra that has to come out of his basic £400 a month UC.

Then, out of the remaining £300 of Universal Credit he has to pay for bills and utilities, mobile phone, broadband, any other regular direct debits etc.

Life unemployed on basic Universal Credit is extremely difficult for many people.

Unless he has massive health issues and would be entitled to PIP, having to survive on just £300 to £400 a month will (eventually) be the short sharp prod in the ribs to get him off his backside and back to work.

●●●●●●¤¤¤○○○○○○○○○●●●●●●□□□□

At the moment, he might not even be entitled to Universal Credit if he had savings over a certain amount when he became unemployed. He will eventually dwindle his savings down to an amount so low that he will be entitled to Universal Credit. Six months of that and running through the rest of his savings (to top up the meagre UC allowance) ..... he will find a job.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 27/12/2025 11:41

He's highly self controlled as he's extremely picky and has only has a few sexual partners.
He told you that to make you feel special. He is manipulative.
He doesn't work so he doesn't have to pay a penny towards his child.
He doesn't see his child because he never wanted to and now she chooses not to.
He could afford court if he can buy his mum a car. He just doesnt want the responsibility of a child. Like he needs his flatmate to help with the dog, despite not working…

RavenFinch · 27/12/2025 14:21

ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 15:04

Oh he's definitely not in love or a freeloader.
In fact he was offered marriage and the chance to move into a 6 bedroom house by one of his exes but he declined.

He's basically dumped me so I'm wondering if I dodged a bullet.

He does drive, he describes his skills as driving fast and sex. He's highly self controlled as he's extremely picky and has only has a few sexual partners. He prides himself on his sexual prowess which is admittedly amazing. But he would prefer to go without sex than have 'drama' which women cause.

I don't know what he does all day. Watch TV, cook for his "son" dog, walk his dog (sometimes it just goes in the garden), talk on the phone to his mum.

Edited

"He was offered marriage and a 6 bedroom house by .... " (another woman)

Baloney he has told you to make you believe that he is not a freeloading cocklodger.

"He does drive. He describes his skills as driving fast and sex."
He is:
● handsome (I think you mentioned elsewhere)
● extremely good at sex (= highly practised with numerous lovers)
● an accomplished liar / blagger / charming baloney spinner:
• he's told you he's "picky" and has not had many sexual partners (baloney - how do you think he became so skilled between the sheets?)
• he's told his flat mate chum some other baloney as to why he needs flat mate to feed and walk the dog

"I don't know what he does all day..."
● well if the answer was watching TV and playing computer games, he would be available himself to take care of his own dog full time
● the fact that he needs assistance from his flat mate to help feed, water, walk the dog, and let the dog out to pee etc is because your guy is not there in the flat a lot of the time ..... why would that be?
● he's dating / shagging other women in the hours / afternoons when he's not with you and he's mysteriously not available to feed and walk the dog
● these other women he's seeing may or may not be on a slight "giggolo" basis

"He's basically dumped me so I'm wondering if I dodged a bullet"
He got a better offer from one of the other ladies he shags - one of his (many) other lady friends who he shags when he is (a) not with you, (b) leaving his dog in the care of his flat mate.

Another lady fell for his baloney faster than you especially his updates regarding his forthcoming rent increase etc. The other lady offered him bed and board.

Either the other lady is (huc hum) "desperate" (to keep and bagsy this freeloading cocklodger for herself) ...... or possibly she is in a more financially advantageous situation than you - and was therefore more attractive to him to pursue.

iamnotalemon · 27/12/2025 14:27

Good lord he sounds awful and I don’t like the no contact with the daughter and blaming the mum.

Yes he sounds like a potential cocklodger

Radiosn · 27/12/2025 14:40

Reads like an narcissistic arsehole.
Daughter has dodged a bullet too.

Anyahyacinth · 27/12/2025 14:50

I think his Mum is funding him

Jemma8 · 27/12/2025 15:08

ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 15:04

Oh he's definitely not in love or a freeloader.
In fact he was offered marriage and the chance to move into a 6 bedroom house by one of his exes but he declined.

He's basically dumped me so I'm wondering if I dodged a bullet.

He does drive, he describes his skills as driving fast and sex. He's highly self controlled as he's extremely picky and has only has a few sexual partners. He prides himself on his sexual prowess which is admittedly amazing. But he would prefer to go without sex than have 'drama' which women cause.

I don't know what he does all day. Watch TV, cook for his "son" dog, walk his dog (sometimes it just goes in the garden), talk on the phone to his mum.

Edited

Your description of what he does all day has made my vag clamp shut. Surely you can't happily spread your legs for such a loser?!

surprisebaby12 · 27/12/2025 15:29

Gosh please raise your standards. Unless you’re in your early 20s (and so is he), which you’re not, you need someone who has a well established career, financial stability and is responsible. Your future stability is tied to that of your partner, it’s not just about feelings.

Comedycook · 27/12/2025 17:41

Jemma8 · 27/12/2025 15:08

Your description of what he does all day has made my vag clamp shut. Surely you can't happily spread your legs for such a loser?!

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Same.

We are still effectively cave people...if you were shacked up with this man during prehistoric times, you and your offspring would starve to death at his refusal to leave the cave and hunt for food! Not finding lazy men sexually attractive is self preservation from an evolutionary point of view.

Mummacake · 27/12/2025 18:23

Toxic or lazy men often blame the child's mother for no contact.
You mention he's never really been involved which would indicate he's never tried to get contact with his daughter or there's a reason that it could be problematic.
Do you know how long he's been unemployed? My exH got himself sacked and went self employed to avoid paying child maintenance & mostly cancelled contact with them.
Also a freeloading cocklodger as his gf found out pretty quickly with meh sex 😂
Red flag bunting is the right description here!!

Original poster

ParapetCreeper · 27/12/2025 18:35

I would say I'm trauma bonded for a few reasons . One is because he was very judgy indeed about my sexual history, which is many more partners than his, and somewhat disgusting to him...especially because I lied about it to try to make it sound not as bad and he worked this out from questioning me forensically repeatedly. Also from the start he kept telling me about all the stuff other women had done wrong for him to ghost/block them, which kept me on edge.
I'm not sure when he last worked. In the past 1/2 years? He obviously saved enough to maintain his rent, petrol, dog food and groceries.
I asked him about child maintenance and if his daughter's mum had gone through the child support agency and he refused to answer.

OP posts:

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 27/12/2025 18:46

ParapetCreeper · 27/12/2025 18:35

I would say I'm trauma bonded for a few reasons . One is because he was very judgy indeed about my sexual history, which is many more partners than his, and somewhat disgusting to him...especially because I lied about it to try to make it sound not as bad and he worked this out from questioning me forensically repeatedly. Also from the start he kept telling me about all the stuff other women had done wrong for him to ghost/block them, which kept me on edge.
I'm not sure when he last worked. In the past 1/2 years? He obviously saved enough to maintain his rent, petrol, dog food and groceries.
I asked him about child maintenance and if his daughter's mum had gone through the child support agency and he refused to answer.

from the start he kept telling me about all the stuff other women had done wrong for him to ghost/block them, which kept me on edge

What he was doing there was training you to obey him for fear of losing him. You being on edge was the intended outcome.

he was very judgy indeed about my sexual history

If a man asks you how many sexual partners you've had, you reply with "My last STI screen was on Xdate, the result was Y, and I have had Z sexual partners since then, including you". If he keeps pushing for a number, you walk away. Your vagina doesn't wear out with use. We don't value inexperience in any other aspect of life. No one ever valued a novice musician over an experienced one, or wanted the newly-trained apprentice instead of the time-served craftsman when hiring a plumber.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 27/12/2025 18:49

There’s always much worse stuff that comes out on these threads!

OP, all that stuff you’re saying about him interrogating you over previous partners and talking badly about exes - do you really not see that those are worse red flags than those in your first post?!

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 27/12/2025 18:52

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 26/12/2025 11:53

he says the system is stacked against fathers and he'll probably lose

MRA. Don't walk away from this man, run as fast as you can away from him.

Everything else screams "cocklodger".

Edited

MRA?

PoppyWarrior · 27/12/2025 18:56

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 27/12/2025 18:49

There’s always much worse stuff that comes out on these threads!

OP, all that stuff you’re saying about him interrogating you over previous partners and talking badly about exes - do you really not see that those are worse red flags than those in your first post?!

Oh OP. This this and more this!

He's a bad 'un.

Block him and never see him again. Especially when he crawls back to give you a second chance. 🙄

Debtcrusher · 27/12/2025 19:06

ParapetCreeper · 26/12/2025 11:27

Which of these would put you off?

Man aged 40, good looking, great sex but...

Doesn't have his own place - rents a house with a flatmate, concerned about forthcoming rent increase.

Doesn't have a job - lives off savings but isn't affluent as he can't afford to live alone. Says he'll get a job when the money runs out.

Has a daughter aged 17 he has no contact with for past few years. Says it's due to the mum not being able to have him (they split when she was a baby) . He hasn't gone through court as he says the system is stacked against fathers and he'll probably lose. Also I'm unsure if he could afford it.

No job? Why?
Goodbye….

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 27/12/2025 19:39

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 27/12/2025 18:52

MRA?

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Men's rights activist

ThisJadeBear · 27/12/2025 20:04

I think you are suffering from trauma but it doesn’t mean you are trauma bonded.
He was an is abusive.
There was another thread on here recently from a poster whose partner was obsessed with her ‘body count’ and it’s sick.
It is none of his business.
Also he’s a liar. He’s amazing at sex but has had few partners. Come on OP you sound like a really bright person don’t tolerate this.
Out there is a daughter who has been abandoned by her dad and no doubt a string of women just like you who have been lied to.
In my day they were called Walter Mittys. Fictional people.
From what you said he doesn’t have one positive attribute. Not one.
Please please don’t try and get back with him or contact him.
He will reduce you to nothing.

smallsilvercloud · 27/12/2025 20:12

He sounds like you were scraping the barrel, sorry to sound rude but you need better standards.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 27/12/2025 20:13

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 27/12/2025 18:52

MRA?

Show quote history

Men's "rights" activist.

Warning signs:

"Feminism has gone too far." (It hasn't gone far enough, men are still raping and murdering us.)
"The family courts always favour the woman." (Not true. Men abuse the FCs to continue to abuse ex-wives through the children.)
"Fathers should have a say about whether to abort a pregnancy." (Not your body, not your decision.)
"A man should be able to opt-out of child support if he told the woman that he didn't want the child and she carried to term anyway." (A child, once born, is entitled to the financial support of both parents.)
"Divorce courts always favour the woman." (Non-monetary contributions to the household are valuable. Your shirts didn't iron themselves for the last X years.)

And any other nonsense that indicates a desire to roll back women's rights.