Tension between boyfriend and my best male friend, what do I do?

[ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin]

NC for this.

I've been with my current partner for just over three years, and am currently very happy with him. I'm close with his family and mum in particular, and it's by far the happiest I've ever felt in a relationship. We discuss the future a lot, and I can see myself getting engaged to him.

I also have a close male friend, whom I've known basically since birth (his mum and my mum were friends) and have been particularly close to for around 10 years. He's one of my best friends. It's also important to know he's single and straight, but there's never been anything romantic between us.

BF and best friend have met on several occasions, and have always been able to get along amicably, but recently I've found it increasingly difficult to keep the peace between them.

I met up with my friend last week for a walk and to exchange Christmas gifts - something we've done for years (long before I got with BF). My friend has had a tricky few months and suffered an MH crisis in September, and so naturally I've tried to support him as much as possible, texting regularly and just checking in on how he's doing. So, anyway, on the gift tag for my present, my friend wrote a lovely message just saying how thankful he's been for the support and how I was 'a one of a kind friend' and how he'd be lost without me.

The trouble is, I think my BF is a bit insecure of me having this friendship. For instance, earlier in the year my friend bought me a very generous present for my birthday, something I've wanted for years (but never said as much), and my BF was a bit put out that my friend had bought it me.

This weekend, BF came over, saw this Christmas present and read the tag. I could tell it was playing on his mind a bit, and then later that evening I left my phone unattended and he started going through my messages. My messages with my friend are purely platonic, and lately have been very run of the mill - organising meet ups, saying what time we'll be ready etc, nothing remotely inappropriate. But we always sign our texts with xx or xxx.

Anyway, my BF was being moody and I asked what was wrong. He said he'd be more comfortable if me and my friend didn't sign texts with xs anymore. Fair enough, I sent a message to my friend explaining this, but saying that he'd not done anything wrong.

A bit later my friend replied and said he understood, but said he was a bit hurt that I'd let my BF read our messages and now feels he can't confide in me as much anymore, because he fears anything sensitive relating to his MH etc will be read by BF, and how he feels BF 'clearly has an issue' with him.

I don't know if this is my fault or not, but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, between two people I care deeply about. What should I do to keep the peace? I don't want to upset BF, but neither do I want to lose my friend either.

Put a pin on your phone so this doesn’t happen ever again. And assure your friend your conversations will be private.

Why on earth did you let your BF read your messages? And why, more pertinently, did you agree that you’d stop putting kisses on the end of your messages, if that’s what you’ve always done?

Your BF might be important, but he doesn’t have the right to dictate how you deal with your friendship. He’s the one with the problem, not you. But now you’ve made it a problem for you and your best friend.

Make it very clear to your BF how important your best friend is, but also make it clear that there is no threat to him, and no romantic involvement. If he won’t believe you, then he’s the one who needs to go.

This.

Yeah he needs to get a grip . And he should not have been going through your phone . And I say this as someone who’s just ended a relationship over my boyfriends female ‘best friend’

Your friend has done nothing wrong. You need to square this with him by apologising and then put your BF straight. Be gentle but firm; he would not dictate how you are with a female friend so if it’s 100% platonic/brotherly love with your friend he needs to understand that.

The usual mn response to a poster who’s bf had a very best female friend, who they did lots of stuff with, multiple daily texts, signing off with “xxx” would be… ‘you’ll never have a 2 person relationship, bin him, they’re each others forever after’

I have to ask - if the roles were reversed, and you saw a load of messages with a female that are always signed off with kisses, what would that make you think?

You can’t ask that on mumsnet?! 🤣

That's no way for you to treat a friend OP, and no way for your boyfriend to treat you.

If you are clear you and your mate are platonic, as you seem to be, then that should be good enough for your boyfriend - if it isn't, he's not the man for you.

No reasonable person looks through their partners phone, asks their partner to ask their friend to stop using kisses on texts (a generic habit used in all sorts of relationships) or sulks visibly because a friend got their partner a nicer present than they did.

It's not that he needs to want to hang out with your mates all the time, but he does need to respect your choices as a person and recognise when he's being jealous for no reason.

Are you sure this boyfriend is so great because he doesn't sound it, and Right now you've taught him he can control you and you are willing to treat a friend badly at his request. It's poor.

I felt that if I was defensive or evasive about my messages, it'd only fuel his insecurity even more. Surely better to be open and honest and for him to see there is nothing inappropriate at all in our messages? But he still took issue with the kisses.

Some of my partners female friends sign texts with xx, it's not generally indicative of a desire to fuck his brains out as far as I can tell, just an indication they are fond of him, as a friend should be.

I can see that perspective, which is why I went along with his request.

But I just hoped that after three years of dating we'd have a bit more trust by now, not for it to be an issue.

It's not your job to manage his insecurity, just to clarify that yes, this guy is just a friend.

If that's not good enough for him, then it's his problem, and I'd be thinking of moving on, were I you.

Does he reciprocate?

Yes, why wouldn't he?

His insecurities should not trump a life long friend's privacy. Your OP stares he went through your phone. I would be livid.

That's not the case - these threads always divide into the cohort that thinks men and women can be friends, and the group that thinks they can't.

Whatever you think about it, your partner has to be on the same page, which doesn't bode well for the OP.

Hmm.. I suppose it depends on the personalities, only you know your partner.

For the most part it is unusual for a straight male to put xxx at the end of texts to a female if not somehow invested in her. That’s not to say OP is interested, but I can see how her BF would feel somewhat threatened by this. Tom wouldn’t text Dave ‘alright lad, let’s grab a beer tonight xxx’, it’s not how men generally communicate without some ‘fondness’. Like I say, there will be exceptions to that and it is personality dependent, but for the most part from the outside looking in people will find those exchanges questionable as they are not the norm.

I’ve never known a male put xxx at the end of a message unless they are hoping for more than a platonic relationship.

You may not want that to happen but I’d be pretty certain your male friend does and your boyfriend knows this.

Yeah you are probably right about 2 (straight) men, but I think text kisses are like meeting greetings - women kiss each other, men and women kiss each other, and men shake hands, I think text kisses are about as meaningful as that.

@ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin How has your friend gotten on with your previous boyfriends?
How has your relationship been with friend’s previous girlfriends?

I think it’s ridiculous that you are willing to risk a life long friendship over this

I imagine your friends feels hurt and upset, with a bruised ego having let your bf reads his confidential messages

Your BF is insecure. That's his problem and needs to deal with it.

Your BF is begin controlling. He shouldn't be reading your messages or dictating how you manage your relationship. Unfortunately, that's your problem. You need to have clear and firm boundaries. I would start with being clear thar reading your messages is a huge betrayal of trust and you will not tolerate him doing that again.

Personally, I don't see this relationship lasting. I wonder what other ways he's insecure or tries to control you.

Fine, as far as I'm aware. We lost touch through school years and reconnected after uni, at which point I was already with my previous partner. Again, not super close as they'd rarely see each other, but were friends on social media and never had a bad word to say about the other.

My friend has been single most of the time I've known him, dating on and off, but he struggles socially and with meeting new people - he's very shy and displays signs of social anxiety. I've sometimes wondered if he's asexual as well, and we've never openly discussed sexual experiences, previous partners or whatever. He's fully aware I only view him as a friend and has always been very respectful of that, never made any passes towards me or anything, which is why I'm so comfortable in his company. I feel completely safe around him.

Yet someone does on every thread like this.