Tension between boyfriend and my best male friend, what do I do?

[ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin]

NC for this.

I've been with my current partner for just over three years, and am currently very happy with him. I'm close with his family and mum in particular, and it's by far the happiest I've ever felt in a relationship. We discuss the future a lot, and I can see myself getting engaged to him.

I also have a close male friend, whom I've known basically since birth (his mum and my mum were friends) and have been particularly close to for around 10 years. He's one of my best friends. It's also important to know he's single and straight, but there's never been anything romantic between us.

BF and best friend have met on several occasions, and have always been able to get along amicably, but recently I've found it increasingly difficult to keep the peace between them.

I met up with my friend last week for a walk and to exchange Christmas gifts - something we've done for years (long before I got with BF). My friend has had a tricky few months and suffered an MH crisis in September, and so naturally I've tried to support him as much as possible, texting regularly and just checking in on how he's doing. So, anyway, on the gift tag for my present, my friend wrote a lovely message just saying how thankful he's been for the support and how I was 'a one of a kind friend' and how he'd be lost without me.

The trouble is, I think my BF is a bit insecure of me having this friendship. For instance, earlier in the year my friend bought me a very generous present for my birthday, something I've wanted for years (but never said as much), and my BF was a bit put out that my friend had bought it me.

This weekend, BF came over, saw this Christmas present and read the tag. I could tell it was playing on his mind a bit, and then later that evening I left my phone unattended and he started going through my messages. My messages with my friend are purely platonic, and lately have been very run of the mill - organising meet ups, saying what time we'll be ready etc, nothing remotely inappropriate. But we always sign our texts with xx or xxx.

Anyway, my BF was being moody and I asked what was wrong. He said he'd be more comfortable if me and my friend didn't sign texts with xs anymore. Fair enough, I sent a message to my friend explaining this, but saying that he'd not done anything wrong.

A bit later my friend replied and said he understood, but said he was a bit hurt that I'd let my BF read our messages and now feels he can't confide in me as much anymore, because he fears anything sensitive relating to his MH etc will be read by BF, and how he feels BF 'clearly has an issue' with him.

I don't know if this is my fault or not, but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, between two people I care deeply about. What should I do to keep the peace? I don't want to upset BF, but neither do I want to lose my friend either.

At first, I was going to say don't ever dump a mate for a possessive partner, and that it's so important to have male and female friends. Many people with the best marriages have always had friends of the opposite gender, and part of that must be because they're used to valuing someone as a person, not just a potential romantic interest.
But your boyf does sound goog in some ways (anyone looking through your phone needs to stop that NOW), so I'd give him one more chance to respect your friendships and privacy. Point out that without trust, a relationship is nothing anyway. Maybe chat with his mum/anyone else you get on with who knows him, and make it clear you want it to work, but this is non-negotiable. Use the 'Mate is going to be my kid's godfather' line if you want-one of my relatives used this with a boyf half-jokingly, making clear he is always going to be around.

My friends are as important as my romantic partner

I really believe that there comes a time where you need to prioritise your life partner over friends and family, if you want to have a happy long-term relationship.

Sure, friends and family are important and you should maintain those relationships, but if you want your romantic relationship to be the central relationship of your life, then you have to put it in the centre of your life.

Does your friend have a partner/girlfriend? Has he ever had? Could you socialise as a group- it might help if he befriended tour partner or they tried going for a pint without you. If we’re being honest, I think a lot of people would be uncomfortable with such a close opposite sex friendship. He shouldn’t have gone through your phone though- that’s unacceptable.

To all those bashing the boyfriend, I am in no way condoning his actions but I’d bet his version of the story would be very different and there’s probably lots of things that OP has missed out - maybe unintentionally - that has lead to his insecurity and “spidey senses” being set off.

OP says:

My friend has had a tricky few months and suffered an MH crisis in September, and so naturally I've tried to support him as much as possible, texting regularly and just checking in on how he's doing.

and

Nothing has changed recently in terms of the gift giving and so on, buying each other something for birthdays and Christmas is something we've always done. So I'm confused why this sort of thing would suddenly be an issue or cause for concern now.

OP’s boyfriend has seemingly been okay with the friend up until recently (the change seems to coincide with the friends MH crisis) so I have to wonder what ”support him as much as possible, texting regularly and just checking in on how he's doing” actually looked like in reality; how needy was the friend, how much texting, how many interruptions to their evenings / nights / dates, how many phone calls, how many times the friend has been prioritised etc.

Even if completely innocent and platonic (I completely believe it is for the OP) let’s not pretend that boundaries still can’t be crossed; it doesn’t have to be romantic for someone to intrude on your relationship or for things to be unhealthy (see every MIL thread).

I think a good example of the OP not having good boundaries with this friend is how she threw her boyfriend under the bus regarding the kisses in messages; OP either should have told her boyfriend where to go, she’s not doing it OR if she was going to, said something along the lines of “hey friend, boyfriend and I have decided that we’re no longer going to put kisses in messages to other people and are asking others not to send us kisses either, it’s nothing personal just something we’re doing in our relationship”, instead she threw her boyfriend under the bus by airing out their dirty laundry which is passive aggressive and defeats the purpose if her intention is to be supportive of her boyfriend. One of things we always ask on mumsnet when OPs say their partner’s family / friend have said xyz about them is why did the partner tell them because it’s just blatant shit stirring and causing trouble.

Now just to be clear, I’m not saying OP shouldn’t tell anyone about what’s going on if she needs support but it really should have been a third party to the situation like a family member or another friend; telling this friend was only ever going to cause drama and sew further discord so I really have to side eye the OP’s wide eyed innocent shock about tension between two when she’s actively help create it.

I honestly don’t know on what planet OP thought telling her friend would not cause problems so she either likes the drama and having two people fight over her or she was trying to play both sides by placating her boyfriend but also making it clear to the friend that it’s not actually what she wants and it’s all the big bad boyfriend’s fault so she doesn’t look like the bad guy; both options are equally problematic.

He went through your phone. The trust is gone.

I think the responses really show that people view this differently. Personally I am in the camp of “if my husband was texting a woman multiple times a week with xxx I would damn well expect to be able to know what was being written and would probably feel pretty bothered” camp. But it doesn’t really matter which camp any of us are in. The big question is can your boyfriend get over it if you have the right conversation with him and rein it in a bit with your friend - or if he can’t, are you in a place of prioritising him over your friend. Both me and my husband would always choose each other over a friend - though of course we always would try not to create the issue in the first place…. But maybe this friendship is really important for you and being with a guy who can’t tolerate it is a deal-breaker for you. That’s ok too.

there is no “right” answer the thread can give you - you and BF have to work out what this means for you, with your own views and circumstances. Good luck.

Like the song, Deborah do you recall your house was very small, with woodchip on the wall, when I came round to call you didn’t notice me at all!

Let’s face it, Mr social anxiety probably fancies you. He’s never going to get a girlfriend while he’s whining to you, sharing private things and ending his messages with kisses. That’s going to seriously piss any future gf right off.

Your boyfriend is sick of your little mate sending you kissy messages, rightly so imo.

Time to decide whether to pursue a mature relationship with your bloke or continue the teenage drama and enjoy the two of them competing for your affection. Problem is your bf will probably get bored as he seems to know he deserves more.

If someone’s dh was doing this they’d be told to LTB

This.
It's not ok for your boyfriend to read your messages. You shouldn't have allowed that. BUT there's an intensity to the friendship that has a flavour of something it shouldn't be. I'm not saying it's an affair or that you have feelings for him but I think it's likely he does have some feelings for you. Even if it's a pseudo/substitute girlfriend relationship for him because he's too shy/awkward/asexual to pursue a woman he is actually interested in - you're filling a role for him that is more than a friend.
I think you have two issues to deal with. Boyfriend is being controlling and that's not ok, but best friend is a little too close. My DH has a female best friend. I have zero issue with their friendship as it is now - texts a few times a week, meeting up every month or so. But for a while, when she was especially unhappy at work and in her relationship she was leaning on him far too much. It got to the point I had to ask him to dial it back. I didn't snoop and never would but I had an adult (quite uncomfortable) conversation with him and things changed, he still has his friend and he still has me. There's a balance to strike here, but it does NOT mean accepting controlling behaviour.

your friend is right to feel put out that you shared his chats with your bf.
With regards to your bf feeling jealous, I would probably have struggled a bit if dh had a close female friend but I also know that would be my issue. Your bf knew you had this friend he can’t decide that he needs to police it. He needs to work on his trust issues but if he can’t you may find yourself having to choose.

You just rolled over after he snooped & upset your best friend. Shame on you, some friend you are.

Your bf is insecure and the thing about insecurity is it is always looking for its next meal. Even if you ended your friendship your bf would just find another thing to be insecure about. You need to stand up to your bf and let him know that his insecurities won’t dictate how you live your life. Being in the middle is a choice.

The fact that you are okay with your bf rifling through your phone messages say an awful lot about what you are willing to sacrifice to placate someone who is supposedly the best relationship you have ever had. Privacy and secrecy are two very different things, he’s conflating the two because it’s convenient for his victim narrative.

The choice isn’t between your bf and best friend, it’s about your integrity and you have done nothing wrong to justify the level of intrusion that your bf feels he’s entitled to. If I was your best friend I would be apoplectic that my bestie thinks it’s ok for her bf to read my private messages.

You have entered the rabbit hole that is placating an insecure person, it is never ending and whatever boundaries you may have had, will be slowly eroded by his constant want to be control.

You’re screwed if your boyfriend is acting like this after 3 years…. You’re going to lose both at this rate.

If my husband was signing off text messages to a woman with kisses, receiving lavish gifts from her with highly personal messages written on the tags and 'supporting her through her mental health issues'... I'd be reading the messages on his phone FFS.

But my husband doesn't do any of those things so I don't have to.

Dump him for looking through your phone... the trust is gone I'd bin him... I don't know what's wrong with half the people on this website honestly. Who cares if your single, needy, socially awkward friend feels put out? Put the brakes on your friendship with him and return it to a level that's appropriate for a woman in a relationship (if you want the relationship to last).

I know all the stuff about men and women can be friends, but IME it's just not true.

IMO you friend has deliberately dialed things up because he has always had feelings for you and is realising he might have left it too late to act on them.

Also, are you sure, if yoire really honest with yourself, you haven't set up this tension deliberately?

Over my 50 years, I've had two life long friends who I would have sworn were purely platonic, would have fought anyone who said otherwise, but they revealed their true colours in the end.

Based on that, I think there's a very strong possibility he's holding a torch for you and that your boyfriend's not stupid.

I don’t want it to be the centre. It is one important relationship alongside other important relationships.

And that’s probably why we have so many people these days bemoaning the lack of a “a village” and saying how lonely they are.

I think you’re in a difficult situation which feels unfair.

Your boyfriend has a right to his own feelings about your friendship but that’s for him to manage or not.
It doesn’t mean he should be able to put restrictions on how you message him or start to get jealous about gifts etc I really don’t think that’s ok as you’ve given him absolutely no reason to be insecure about this friendship.

I’m confused about the phone thing, did you leave your phone out for him to read your messages or did he go through your phone when you’d left the room?
Neither is great tbh but if he went through it without you knowing then that’s absolutely out of order.

I don’t know why this seems to be ok with you. I can also see how hurt your friend was to find out his messages have been read. I don’t think you handled that part very well but you were trying to keep everyone happy.

I don’t share the belief that your intimate relationship should come above friendships. I’ve been with my partner a long time now but most of my friends were around first and I love them dearly. They’re very important to me and my partner doesn’t necessarily trump that and neither would he expect to.

Exactly. My partner would never try and come between me and my friends. There’s one or two he’s a little less keen on but it’s not an issue and it’s more from concern for me.

Yes, I was thinking similar, double standards. If op was posting that dp regularly sees a woman alone, texts regularly, gets lavish gifts, signs off with kisses etc, he’s having an emotional affair. Woman does the same, it’s platonic.

Thank you for your kind post, some of these responses have been a bit brutal, making me feel like a really crappy friend!

It was just difficult to know what to do in the moment, as I know when something is bothering my BF he tends to brood on it. Given it's Christmas and I'll be spending time with his family, I felt the better option was to pacify him before it became a bigger problem.

Yes, he looked at my phone when I went out the room. I wasn't happy about him reading messages, but we are generally pretty open with our phones, he'll use mine or I'll use his when we want to search something online or whatever.

Exactly

however I’m sure this thread will tell her that she’s fine and the boyfriend is out of order

If women comment on those threads saying it doesn’t bother them they get mocked for being a ‘cool wife/girlfriend’.

You've ramped up time and mental energy and texting with best friend since his mental health issues and he's become a bigger focus of your attention. Best friend signs his texts with a romantic emoji. He's sharing his feelings and mental state with you. He wants you to keep secrets from your boyfriend. He bought you a big gift. Now there's drama.

I think you should read up on emotional affairs and why your boyfriend could see this as that and feel upset by it. I think your best friend is starting to pverstep the friend boundary myself.

I am one of those who when in a serious committed relationship or marriage that is my central and core relationship. Friends were second. We also didn't keep secrets from each other.

Strong agree