Tension between boyfriend and my best male friend, what do I do?

[ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin]

NC for this.

I've been with my current partner for just over three years, and am currently very happy with him. I'm close with his family and mum in particular, and it's by far the happiest I've ever felt in a relationship. We discuss the future a lot, and I can see myself getting engaged to him.

I also have a close male friend, whom I've known basically since birth (his mum and my mum were friends) and have been particularly close to for around 10 years. He's one of my best friends. It's also important to know he's single and straight, but there's never been anything romantic between us.

BF and best friend have met on several occasions, and have always been able to get along amicably, but recently I've found it increasingly difficult to keep the peace between them.

I met up with my friend last week for a walk and to exchange Christmas gifts - something we've done for years (long before I got with BF). My friend has had a tricky few months and suffered an MH crisis in September, and so naturally I've tried to support him as much as possible, texting regularly and just checking in on how he's doing. So, anyway, on the gift tag for my present, my friend wrote a lovely message just saying how thankful he's been for the support and how I was 'a one of a kind friend' and how he'd be lost without me.

The trouble is, I think my BF is a bit insecure of me having this friendship. For instance, earlier in the year my friend bought me a very generous present for my birthday, something I've wanted for years (but never said as much), and my BF was a bit put out that my friend had bought it me.

This weekend, BF came over, saw this Christmas present and read the tag. I could tell it was playing on his mind a bit, and then later that evening I left my phone unattended and he started going through my messages. My messages with my friend are purely platonic, and lately have been very run of the mill - organising meet ups, saying what time we'll be ready etc, nothing remotely inappropriate. But we always sign our texts with xx or xxx.

Anyway, my BF was being moody and I asked what was wrong. He said he'd be more comfortable if me and my friend didn't sign texts with xs anymore. Fair enough, I sent a message to my friend explaining this, but saying that he'd not done anything wrong.

A bit later my friend replied and said he understood, but said he was a bit hurt that I'd let my BF read our messages and now feels he can't confide in me as much anymore, because he fears anything sensitive relating to his MH etc will be read by BF, and how he feels BF 'clearly has an issue' with him.

I don't know if this is my fault or not, but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, between two people I care deeply about. What should I do to keep the peace? I don't want to upset BF, but neither do I want to lose my friend either.

He sounds a lot like one of my male friends of 30 years. He only doesn’t put xx on his messages because I never do for anyone . But he does with his other friends. He’s 42 and never had a relationship. Autistic and socially awkward .

Your boyfriend reading your messages and being controlling is a major red flag and you should take this as a warning for the future.

You told your platonic friend to alter his messaging style when he's done it for donkey's years off the back of a jealous snoop by your boyfriend? That's awful. Your friend isn't the one who needs to alter his behaviour.

He's lovely, and has honestly helped me through far more than he knows over the years. But it does make me laugh if my BF views him as a 'threat', because he's the least threatening, most unassuming person ever.

I know he had a thing for one of my close friends, who he got to know through me, but she wasn't interested in him.

Well generally, if a female was to post this type of thread, word for word but substituting the ‘gift prompted me to read the messages and there was back and forth almost every day with xxx at the end of every message’ there would be floods of advice of LTB because he’s having an affair…

@ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin if your bf had a female friend as “close” as your friend with all the messages and the xxx would you be happy to accept that in your relationship?

if I confided in my friend about personal MH issue and they let there partner read them I would feel utterly betrayed and tbh I think the relationship no matter how long would be done
it a massive breach of confidentiality to show your BF those messages

the hypocrisy is unbelievable, if the roles were reversed

It's not hypocritical - two of my best friends are male and we always use kisses - my ex-boyfriend's best friend was female and it was the same. Some people just don't think people of opposite sexes can be platonic friends, which is nonsense.

It's like the 'gay panic' shit that people used to pull in cases of violence against homosexuals. Guess what, not all gay people fancy people of the same gender - it's exactly the same for heterosexuals, hardly a newsflash. I honestly think some people live in caves sometimes...

I left my phone unattended and he started going through my messages.

A sackable offence right there.

Your friend sounds lovely.

The boyfriend I would dump for being intrusive and controlling.

Before you know it he will be telling you how to live your life and I don't think he has your best interests at heart.

Roll on 2026 without him.

I read only about half of that, sorry
I see it as partner jealousy at play here interfering in a long standing friendship you ve had for years, which doesn't have a romantic dimension. The easiest way forward is if your partner grows up, and gets over himself. Easier said that done. You ll have to check how tedious your partner becomes over this.

Your boyfriend isn't great, and his behaviour over this is enough to end the relationship over.

However... this is a very intimate friendship you have with this man. It would be a very intimate friendship to have with anybody of any gender while you are in a longterm relationship.

I have never had issues of jealousy in relationships, but I would be raising my eyebrows if a friend suddenly bought my husband a statement, expensive birthday present.

I wouldn't do this for any of my friends in serious relationships, as I appreciate it could be seen as treading on their partner's toes, and I have no desire to undermine my friends' partners.

The only similar thing I can think of, was when a male friend's wife had her 40th birthday and the majority was organised by her female friendship group. But this was something they had discussed at length with him first. Because that is the healthy way to do it when you are all grownups...

What do you want in your life?

A best friend who just bought you something super expensive and signs his texts with Xxxs? (That's done by the guys I know).

Or a long term love interest?

The best friend is straying into romantic territory with the kisses in texts and buying you big splashy gifts. He's very emotionally invested in you and your BF is picking up on that.

Your BF was wrong to snoop your phone. But something triggered that. Whether it was the splashy gift or something, his intuition picked up something after 3 years and he's not happy with how enmeshed you and your best friend are.

I think your best friend might be a problem in your romantic relationships in the future. He's occupying so much of your emotional space that your BF can't really fit in there.

I know it’s not PC, but I don’t think it’s possible for you to maintain a serious relationship and a close male friend.

Think about how you would feel if your boyfriend had a female friend this close.

Friend says he might not be so open in messages. OK, that’s fine. You can still meet up and if he chooses to open up then, that’s his choice. But he might just have to accept that there’s an even more important man in your life now.

Can't edit my post but I was trying to say the guys I know do not sign any of their texts with Xxxs.

Sounds like your friend probably fancies you and your boyfriend can tell. It sounds like avery intense friendship, and as a pp said probably will cause problems on your romantic relationships- it would be pretty unusual for someone not to feel a bit jealous at the gift giving and xxxs. I wouldn’t like that at all.3

I agree with @ThisTaupeZebra - your boyfriend's behaviour is a big red flag. His insecurities are not yours to manage, they're his.

However, while your friend is clearly 100% in the friend zone for you, I agree that it does feel a little much - expensive gifts, emotional messages etc. Although, I'd also ask how old you are becuase I think it's more common - woman to woman or woman to man - in younger people so perhaps my thinking is coloured by being 50+, and with DH for 20 years.

I know a woman who was with a controlling manipulative man for many years. I remember her telling me once that the "last straw" moment came when he had a meltdown because she put xx on her messages to a (female) friend but only x on her messages to him.

the point is that these relatively small things are usually just the tip of the iceberg. And the bigger things almost get missed - in this case, that he is looking rhrough your phone, reading your private messages etc and... more worringly... that you hadn't even clocked the gross invasion of privacy of letting him read your friend's messages.

There is only one person in the wrong here and it’s the boyfriend. How dare he read your messages! Personally that’s an absolute hard line for me, whether the friend has been around for 20 years or 20 minutes. My friendships and social life are completely off limits for a partner to meddle in. And I’d say exactly the same if the sexes were reversed. It is absolutely fine, normal and healthy to have close emotional ties with good friends

Yes, I can understand this, and you're probably right, I can't say for sure, but particularly if it was a relatively new friendship where that was the case, I would feel uneasy about it.

However, this friend has been in my life since the start of our relationship. In fact, when I was first getting to know my BF and we were talking about friends and important people in our lives, I mentioned him. At that point I'd known my friend for 7 years, and if I'd wanted to get with him, then I had plenty of chance to - but I chose my BF.

Nothing has changed recently in terms of the gift giving and so on, buying each other something for birthdays and Christmas is something we've always done. So I'm confused why this sort of thing would suddenly be an issue or cause for concern now. I don't know what else I can do to convince him short of cutting my best friend off, and I'd find it devastating to lose someone like that.

I appreciate all the comments and take them onboard though. I'm busy over Christmas and New Year with my boyfriend and his family, so hopefully things will settle down, but you're probably right that it may continue to be an issue, and I need to give some thought as to the best way to navigate this.

I haven’t RTFT but have read all your posts OP. It may not be popular, but if you think you genuinely will marry this man, I’d create some distance with the friendship. I would never put my DH in a position where he has to tell me that one of my friendships is making him insecure about our marriage.

I couldn’t disagree more. My friends are as important as my romantic partner and if my partner couldn’t accept the way I conduct my friendships, they’d be gone.

Do you have children with your partner?

I should also add, my friend is very respectful of when I'm with my BF, he doesn't message when he knows I'm with him at weekends or when I'm stopping over at night. In fact, when my BF looked through our messages, I'd last spoken to my friend three days earlier. I just thought I'd mention that in case I'd given the impression we're texting all the time, we're not. It was more frequent in September when I knew he was struggling and genuinely feared he could do something silly, but it's been more sporadic recently.

What’s that got to do with anything?

Well I would find it very odd for someone who had children with their partner to say that their friends are just as important.