Tension between boyfriend and my best male friend, what do I do?

[ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin]

NC for this.

I've been with my current partner for just over three years, and am currently very happy with him. I'm close with his family and mum in particular, and it's by far the happiest I've ever felt in a relationship. We discuss the future a lot, and I can see myself getting engaged to him.

I also have a close male friend, whom I've known basically since birth (his mum and my mum were friends) and have been particularly close to for around 10 years. He's one of my best friends. It's also important to know he's single and straight, but there's never been anything romantic between us.

BF and best friend have met on several occasions, and have always been able to get along amicably, but recently I've found it increasingly difficult to keep the peace between them.

I met up with my friend last week for a walk and to exchange Christmas gifts - something we've done for years (long before I got with BF). My friend has had a tricky few months and suffered an MH crisis in September, and so naturally I've tried to support him as much as possible, texting regularly and just checking in on how he's doing. So, anyway, on the gift tag for my present, my friend wrote a lovely message just saying how thankful he's been for the support and how I was 'a one of a kind friend' and how he'd be lost without me.

The trouble is, I think my BF is a bit insecure of me having this friendship. For instance, earlier in the year my friend bought me a very generous present for my birthday, something I've wanted for years (but never said as much), and my BF was a bit put out that my friend had bought it me.

This weekend, BF came over, saw this Christmas present and read the tag. I could tell it was playing on his mind a bit, and then later that evening I left my phone unattended and he started going through my messages. My messages with my friend are purely platonic, and lately have been very run of the mill - organising meet ups, saying what time we'll be ready etc, nothing remotely inappropriate. But we always sign our texts with xx or xxx.

Anyway, my BF was being moody and I asked what was wrong. He said he'd be more comfortable if me and my friend didn't sign texts with xs anymore. Fair enough, I sent a message to my friend explaining this, but saying that he'd not done anything wrong.

A bit later my friend replied and said he understood, but said he was a bit hurt that I'd let my BF read our messages and now feels he can't confide in me as much anymore, because he fears anything sensitive relating to his MH etc will be read by BF, and how he feels BF 'clearly has an issue' with him.

I don't know if this is my fault or not, but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, between two people I care deeply about. What should I do to keep the peace? I don't want to upset BF, but neither do I want to lose my friend either.

Op I think you should cut to the chase, leave the bf and marry the friend.

I think you'll do this eventually, it's just whether you leave a trail of years of drama and baggage in your wake or not.

No it isn't hypocrisy at all. My DD has been in a committed relationship with her DP for 7 years. She also has a very close male friend who she has known literally from birth (his mum and I were in antenatal classes together). There is, and never has been, anything going on between DD and her friend. They are like brother and sister.

F

I think this is spot on. I have a lifelong male best friend - relatively similar situation, though in less close contact now as we’re in different countries/life gets busy, but he remains a really important friendship to me and is always there if I need him. I dated someone for three years that was super insecure about our friendship, and I spent so much time trying to justify myself/reassure him. We eventually broke up for other reasons but my now DH has never shown even a hint of jealousy about the friend. Knew coming into our relationship that he was an important person to me and accepted it for what it is - just a good friend. He literally wouldn’t dream of trying to make me choose or question how many “x”s go at the end of a message.

I would be furious with him if I found him snooping through my messages without my consent, instead of talking to me about it like a grown up. It doesn’t matter how your boyfriend feels about your friend’s intentions - he either trusts you to stay loyal to him or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, then what does that say about how well he knows you?

All this to say, it is possible to find someone who doesn’t expect you to change your friendships to accommodate their insecurities, and isn’t controlling about how that friendship is allowed to happen. If you honest to goodness know there is nothing going on, don’t let him ruin a friendship of years. It would be so unfair to your friend and to you.

Your friend is right.

It depends on your relationship and its boundaries. My ex husband had a "best mate" who was female and lesbian and with whom I became very close and with whom I had no issues - until I became suspicious of the way she looked at him and asked him outright if they had slept together.....he said they had "kissed a few months before he met me but it didnt feel right so they went back to being friends". Sorry but no. Turns out she wasnt a lesbian, she was bi and a quick search of the messages on his phone showed they had done a lot more than kiss. Yes it happened before we met but I would NEVER have accepted a friendship with an ex. Some may not agree but I dont care, that is my boundary. Exes always have potential for reignition in a weak moment and there is almost always one of them who didn't want the relationship to end so feelings still linger. We are no longer together, not due to this but this was a part of my loss of trust for him - if there was nothing in it anymore why did neither of them tell me they had a thing?

Anyway I digress, I have a male friend I have known since we were 5. There has never been anything sexual in it and he was single when I met my current DH. I asked him if he had an issue with my friend and he said no. If he did have one, I would have ended the friendship as my DH feelings are more of a priority to me than my friend as we share our lives together. Fast forward a year and my friend found a new girlfriend and she didnt like our friendship so we dont stay in touch anymore. I dont mind. I dont think there is a problem at all - when you find your "person" then you need to consider their feelings. If you dont then resentment starts. I get some people wont agree with me but what was my friend to do? Miss out on an amazing relationship with someone because he wanted to stay friends with me when, in reality, all I would ever offer would be friendship and she would offer him everything. Each to their own I say and it depends on what your views are and what your relationship boundaries are. You can ask opinions but only you get to decide what you will and will not tolerate from your boyfriend and your male friend.

@circledrain1 my latest ex. Totally enmeshed with his female ‘best friend’ seems she was actually a dominatrix and him her sub . Took a while for the drip feed to come out. Yet I still believe men and women can be friends as one of my best friends of 30 years is a straight male and nothing has ever happened between us .

Can’t believe you don’t think this looks extremely suspicious. At best your bf will assume this friend has designs on you which he almost certainly does. Blokes don’t hang around for years buying thoughtful presents and having meaningful chats signed with kisses without having specific intentions. He’ll be waiting for you to decide he’s the one all along. You need to choose one or the other.

My dh used to have a female best friend. She was two faced and I did everything in my power to push her out of our lives. She was unkind to me and acted like little miss perfect to dh.

Your situation sounds very different though @ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin maybe your boyfriend just needs to be told it’s a platonic friendship and given an ultimatum

I think this will resolve itself.

Your friend will now hold back, and stop with the xxx. He'll also be guarded about what he says to you now he knows he can't trust you to keep your messages between the two of you.

Eventually the friendship will fizzle out, and your boyfriend will have what he wants.

I think it’s really sad that people seem to prioritise the romantic relationship ahead of all else. People advising OP to drop someone who is a source of support and connection and who she has a long standing bond with over years just because her partner is insecure. She’s doing nothing wrong, it’s perfectly possible to have close friendships without it being dodgy, and if her partner doesn’t trust her looks like that’s his shit to deal with actually as she’s done nothing to indicate her friendship is anything other than a close important friendship.

it’s no wonder so many romantic relationships fail because people seem to have the view that once you’re coupled up that’s it, it becomes the central thing in your life and all else is now secondary - and because of that people then expect this one relationship to fulfill everything from friendship to companionship to shared goals and dreams etc.

Nail on the head. The "friend" wants a relationship but obviously doesn't know how to say so or doesn't want to say so in case the OP runs for the hills. Whilst he's in the "friend zone" he thinks he's in with a chance. BF, being a man, knows this! Unless the "friend" is gay of course!

Been there, bought the T shirt. I was with a boyfriend but also had a "friend" - the son of a woman I worked with who often popped into work to chat to her (and me) and I'd go to their house to socialise with the Mother (and son was often there). We got on, so we did things a few times, i.e. we'd go shopping together on a Saturday morning, or go for a walk on a nice sunny evening, but from my point of view, entirely platonic or so I thought and friend always claimed we were just friends and he wanted nothing more. Boyfriend started getting a little antsy about it and told me it was obviously the "friend" wanted more than friendship, but I shot him down. After a while, I approached the friend to ask his true intentions again, and he admitted he wanted a relationship with me and was "biding his time" until boyfriend screwed up! I ditched the friend as I didn't like the way he wasn't honest and up front with me! If he'd have been up front, I may well have chosen him instead but the deception meant there was no future!

@ChuckMyPhoneInTheBin
From your replies, you seem to be feigning ignorance. Deep down, you know your friend would like a romantic relationship with you. You ,for your part, like being needed by him.
The dynamics in this friendship are unbalanced.

Even without a bf in the picture, you sound enmeshed.
Really good friendships that have lasted over decades are maintained, not by living in each others pockets but by holding space for each other.

By pouring so much into this friend, you are self-abandoning.
You are not nurturing your romantic relationship. Own your relationship with your boyfriend. Invest in it rather than in this friend who can outsource support and help through therapy or reading up online.

The plethora of self-help guides out there today is enough to help someone ground themselves. Your friend does not need you as much as you feel he does.

Introspect and figure out who you are in a bid to improve your interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.

Agree.

Completely agree with this. Eventually the party who wants more reveals themselves. It can be years down the line but it does come out and often they turn nasty and emotioaly manipulative when they are rejected. This guy wants a relationship and OP enjoys the attention it brings and the emotional connections of the 'friendship'. It's not that uncommon in younger people to have these opposite sex supposably platonic relationships, but the intensity of platonic emotional connections with opposite sex is far less common as we age and realise they are actually a threat to our romantic relationships. They tend to fade to less intense when we get involved in a serious romantic relationship. After 3 years it's not a surprise that your partner is concerned about the energy invested in another man, if he is 'just a friend'.

I would not want to be with anyone who read my messages.

I can't believe you asked your friend to not put kisses in messages anymore. Thats embarrassing.

Your boyfriend isn't insecure. He's controlling.

It's not ok for him to go through your phone.

Dump the controlling boyfriend and apologise to your friend for letting him suck you into his bullshit.

Never excuse controlling men as being insecure. He's not a five year old. You've given him no reason to feel insecure either.

His sort only escalate their behaviour until your friendships are ruined and they never stop finding ways to make you shrink yourself. You cannot make yourself small enough for him to feel secure. There will always be some other problem. Because he WANTS that. That's what controlling people do. Trap you on a merry go round of 'how can I prove my innocence/goodness/loyalty/worth etc...'. It's a trick. It's a trap.

There's a big difference between being open with your phone and reading someone's messages. My H and I use each others phones all the time but I wouldn't go into his phone and read his messages with a particular friend. If I was holding it and something popped up it wouldn't be an issue. Your P opened your phone, opened messages, went to your friends name and read the thread. That'd a huge invasion of privacy. He's not only invaded your privacy but your friends as well.

Is it possible that P is cheating seen as he's suddenly got a suspicious mind?

I wonder if he is open enough with his phone for you to go through all of his chats and read them. After all, this is something that isn't a big deal and is okay to do.

I really hope you remain friends with this man, it would be so unfair on him if you didn’t. I would have an honest ‘you either trust me or you don’t’ conversation with your boyfriend.

Just because you don't see your friend as a sexual being, and think he's probably asexual, and you don't think of him in that way, doesn't mean he's not holding a torch for you. You feel safe with him but your boyfriend is for whatever reason, feeling weird about it now. The extra attention and support you've given him since his mental health episode in September isn't sitting right with your boyfriend and he's feeling insecure about it.
He's asking you to stop putting kisses on your messages. He hasn't asked you to drop your friend.
Your friend has now threatened to stop confiding in you.

Of course he's not going to be comfortable with his messages being read, but I would have thought he might be more understanding about how much of your time you've already given him in support already, especially now he's realised that your boyfriend is not OK with the kisses and the extra close stuff.
They have met only a few times in 3 years, so your boyfriend barely knows him and is only recently feeling threatened.

i always had a lot of male friends. sure, (im autistic, i have no skills in flirting area) no xxxx - because even my female friends dont do it.
with some sexual tension was resolved at some point by ; 'really?!'
it happens. men and women can be friends.

Is your friend in the habit of buying thoughtful gifts for his other friends too?

I’m with your Boyfriend.
The friendship is weird and it will come a time when you have to let this friend go.
Naturally it happens when you meet the love of your life and you realise this friend might be a threat to your relationship.

My plumber puts an x on his messages after I've paid his invoices....honestly, a more 'dour' person, you couldn't come across.

Surely an 'x', signing off on a message to an old friend, is OK? Maybe I'm naive?

It's not just kisses on the texts though is it? It's regular texting and thoughtful gifts. Presumably your plumber doesn't buy you gift nor texts you about anything other than plumbing matters??