Starting to not feel attracted to partner what should I do?

[Doesanyonereallyliketurkey]

Prepared to get flamed for being shallow but here goes. I met my partner just over a year ago now. When we were dating he was into fitness and the gym, it was something I found attractive. I like a man who looks after himself and is a proactive partner.

Looking back I think he love bombed me a bit was telling me he loved me within two months and it was a case of me feeling flattered and feeling desired ( single parent dating again after long time) Anyway to begin with their was a lot of chemistry but also mixed feelings. Within 3/4 of dating he was travelling a lot and put on a lot of weight it was quite startling to be honest as he went from slim to over weight and then he just hasn’t gone to gym again and got bigger since. I brought it up to him and he took it on board but I feel he thinks it’s not important anymore now we’re past the dating stage. That’s what it feels like. He will make this baby voice after I’ve made a meal and go your boy is still hungry and rubs his belly and then proceeds to eat what I would of had for lunch the next day.

I think he’s handsome but he went from this image of fitness guy to sorry I ate a whole load of bread out your freezer and all your kids snacks in the night. An I just finding it repulsive. When we have sex his belly now gets on the way and I hate myself for not being able to see past this. He is a good guy but I think he has a binging disorder.

When we met he would batch cook healthy meals now every night he shows me pics of takeaways he’s having. I think it’s more than the food so for example being a single parent we meet when my kids aren’t with me and often I have things I need to do. He will be like come on just cuddle me and then sleep for the day and I’m just finding it all a turn off and need to vent.

He’s met my family and friends everyone loves him. He treats me better than other relationships I’ve been in. He doesn’t have kids himself. Part of me thinks I’m in my 30s single parent with two kids who am
I to judge.

Is it worth working on my outlook in life and trying to shift how I feel or do I need to move on. God what do I even say to end it if I do?

I seem to flip between the two and I know deep down it’s not fair on him. My ex was abusive but I truly fancied him and I just don’t feel that way about my current partner but also isn’t it more important to have a healthy relationship and someone who treats you well?

Someone talk some sense into me I feel
its got out of control we’re about to spend Christmas together.

Don't have him over for Christmas. Why put yourself through all that ick?

Has anyone else got the ick like this? There really is no going back is there?

The rest of the time he’s really considerate, ca talk about anything. We have fun together. It’s all just gone south by this feeling that’s got under my skin.

He would be so fine if it wasn’t for this, I feel so shallow.

It’s going to be like shooting a puppy.

You barely know him. We all put our best foot forward at the start of a relationship. He's just starting to relax into it and show you who he really is. It should not feel like 'shooting a puppy'. That means he's positioned himself as a victim, but even when you give him straight feedback about problems, he completely ignores you and steamrolls you. This is not a good man.

To be honest your description of him has made me feel sick, and I haven't even been on the receiving end of his dry humping 🤮

End it. Once you feel like this there's no getting past it, really.

That’s a huge decline to go from fit to overweight within the space of a year for a man (I think it’s way more complex and understandable for a woman to go down that path with so many factors to take on board that men don’t have to deal with). Back to you, OP, I would have a frank conversation and if it doesn’t go anywhere/no improvement, I would finish the relationship. You don’t need this.

I never felt like this before in a relationship. I thought he was really attractive and couldn’t believe my luck and then so quickly it was so different and jarring.

I brought it up again last night about let’s get healthier and into shape next year ( thought that be less of an attack) and yeah he just ignored that message and asks what I was doing.

With my ex even after many years I still had that want to rip his clothes off mentality but in this relationship I can’t even bring myself to touch him.

Thank you all for your comments.

You aren’t ‘partners’ he’s a boyfriend you’ve been seeing for only a year. You don’t live together, or have a child together, you don’t fancy him and he sounds very annoying - don’t overthink this, just call it a day.
dont worry about what other people think - they are probably just being polite and do t really know him.
If you’d been married for 30 years and he’d gradually put on a bit of weight with age that would be very different- this sounds more like the version he showed you at first was not the real him!

Yeah I think maybe part of it was because he got a hair transplant within the first six months and it was like after that as well he just didn’t try with his appearance as much. Maybe he tried hard to compensate I don’t know.

For example he’s worn the same clothes all year his shoes have holes in and he won’t buy new ones I have shoes as a Christmas present for him. He goes well they just get muddy so why buy new ones.

My ex really took pride in his appearance and I consider myself laid back but it’s just the other end of the spectrum. I’ll be like oo nice hat oh I found this in lost property at work. 😣

He won’t buy me flowers as they just die and are a waste. He’s very tight with money. Unless it’s to do with a takeaway..
All These things I have brought up in conversation.

I really do want to bring it up again but also feel it’s probably pointless. I do want to just get Christmas out the way. I’ve tried to end things before and it was so stressful.

Could you feign illness over Christmas to buy some time and then be a bit busy, then say ‘it’s not working’.

Right what are this guys good points because I’ll be honest he sounds fucking awful.

Just end it - don’t stay with a man out of guilt or sympathy. Put you and your kids first

You are part of the problem here, OP. Your refusal to be assertive with him or to have boundaries is facilitating his dreadful behaviour. You're not helping him or you by playing along with his nonsense. All you need to do is message him and say ' I have realised this relationship isn't working for me. I don't want to spend Christmas with you and I don't want to try and work things out. It's over. I wish you all the best'. Are you trying to be the nice guy? It's not nice to play along when you're absolutely done, which you clearly are.

Why are putting up with a shit boyfriend? He’s not your DP, your DH or even your Baby Daddy!

Just tell him it’s not working, you don’t feel the same way and you wish him all the best for the future. FFS OP, why would you stay with someone you despise?

Oh wow it’s going to be so difficult to spend Christmas with him when you’re feeling this way. But equally difficult to back out now. I don’t think a message two days before Christmas saying you want to end things is appropriate. I think illness is the only way to get out of this. Or say you want to spend Christmas doing a massive long walk followed by a swim in the sea. Something he really won’t want to join in with. Then end it after Christmas, obviously.

Agree with this. Why come online to slag him off but carry on sharing a bed with him and playing along like it’s all good?

Put him out of his misery. You’ve got kids to support not an adult manbaby

The point is, if you feel like this when it is still early days, this relationship is going nowhere.
If you feel the ick, it is hard to override.
Put him out if his misery now. And I would say the same thing if it was a man in an early relationship with a woman who had porked up and didn't take care of herself. It is going nowhere.

To be fair I have done him dirty as the ick has spiralled the past few days and I’ve been offloading here.

Someone said what are his good points and he really does have some. I would have ended it sooner if he didn’t.

He is kind, patient and easy to talk too, apart from this we get along very well. He cares about me and adores me. He also has been there for me. He doesn’t shout and cares about me to the point of I open something with my teeth he’s like baby don’t do that.

Any other issue we have been able to talk about and get through his weight is pardon the pun now the elephant in the room.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been used to men who are in good shape and quite masculine. For example I’ve been doing up a house for past few months and he can’t help as he feels uncomfortable doing anything diy and I think it’s all spiraled for me from a perspective of seeing him as not that masculine with the eating issues on top and overall it makes me feel awful that I am putting so much importance on it.

In the past I’ve gone for men who tend to be more avoidant and haven’t treated me as well. This is the first relationship that if it ends it really would be done with and no issues. I very much am the problem here too and do agree with that. I also am probably not easy to be with. My life is stressful with two kids and an ex who won’t support me and has made things difficult the past year. A lot of guys wouldn’t have put up with my situation.

If you feel like this after only a year, it’s not going to get better.

OP - fellow single parent here with two children....please dont devalue yourself and have no boundaries because your a single mum. I know how hard it is, but you are a catch....dont forget that!
I have been with my partner a year today and we couldnt be more opposite to this. He adds value to my life, and my children's lives...I dont have the ick, he hasnt changed one bit in a year (neither have I) and I also add value to his life....
You have to be MORE choosy now your a mum, as you have other little people to consider, and as a relationship progresses and the children get older they will form ideas on relationships based on what you show them....
So please dont devalue yourself, set your boundaries high and never ever settle....the right one is out there for you....im proof of that.....
I hope you and your children have a wonderful Christmas x

Your bar is set way too low OP, just being kind to you is bare minimum. Also, I think you're flip flopping all over the place and it's because you're scared of being alone and embarrassed to end another relationship. It almost sounds like you just need to be in a relationship no matter what, even though you sound absolutely capable and independent.

Dump the guy. Work on your self esteem.

You have only been together for a year and he’s already completely let himself slide. People do this years and years into a relationship without really registering but a year in, he should still be trying to impress you.

It’s also the fact he’s completely changed. It isn’t like he’s just gained a few pounds but he’s gained what sounds like a lot of weight and has gone from being a fitness addict to that in a short space of time. The toenail thing sounds so gross too. Maybe he’s depressed but maybe he’s actually just lazy and ordinarily like this, you happened to meet him when he’d gone through a decent spell of caring about himself.

I agree. OP you seem to think because this man gives you the bare minimum and isn’t an abuser or a cheat, then you’re obliged to accept his faults just to carry on being in a relationship.

Having a man isn’t essential - you are allowed up be single and shouldn’t drop your bar just to be with someone.

If you have not been having much sex because of the ick he may not be surprised when you tell him "we're not as compatible as i thought we were, I want a different life style" and that won't be a lie because it's obvious. You can split and still be kind about it. Don't spend an awkward icky Christmas with him. It'll be miserable, and if he feels like you're there out of pity, he'll feel terrible.

All These things I have brought up in conversation.

Have you addressed these things directly? As in, ‘I do not like X and I feel Y when you do Z.’ Or have you addressed them obliquely, like the ‘let’s get fit in the new year’ thing? Have you directly communicated to him how unhappy you are with all this?

He sounds more like a fat labrador puppy than a man.