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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband abusing me?

95 replies

ThatDearCat · 21/12/2025 20:34

please kind messages I am a wreck tonight.
My husband shouted at me the other day saying that he would be better talking to a fucking wall than to me as I dont listen to the things he says and shakes his head constantly about things I do - I am not a tidy person and I think this pisses him off! I try but I feel depressed at the moment with his moods. He has been sleeping on the couch past week no reason given, one word answers, withholding any intimacy I tried to give him a kiss before I went out and he said im busy. I said love you and he said “m” and i said say it back please and he said “yeah you too”. I feel like he hates me. He is going to work far from home for 2 months in new year im a wreck I dont know whats causing this distance he just says I sont listenV what can I do? How can I get things back good? He says I dont support his dreams of traveling the world working - its hard because we have a toddler. He is on the couch on his phone all day most days and ignores me. I asked if he wanted to be intimate tonight to reconnect and sorry To much into but he said he wanted to do but play even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so hw would be nicer and he still the same. Just feel at a loss. Told him to end the marriage if he is not happy he said “i didnt say I wasnt happy” and I said I need reassurance and asked if he still loved me and he said “yes” and I said I need more than that and he said “thats your problem”

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 21/12/2025 20:35

What do you mean by “I am not a tidy person”?

Original poster
ThatDearCat · 21/12/2025 20:36

Like he would get angry if the kitchen was a bit messy or if the laundry is not done ect i

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDearCat · 21/12/2025 20:47

Must be me thats dramatic sorry

OP posts:
FestiveBauble · 21/12/2025 20:50

Non of that sounds like abuse tbh.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 21/12/2025 20:51

You sound really unhappy. Do you think you would have a better chance at happiness without him?

Catza · 21/12/2025 20:58

That's not abuse. That's just an unhappy relationship and both of you seem to be equally responsible.

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 20:58

Sounds a bit gaslighty to me.. and certainly not very loving or caring

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 20:59

Does he help with laundry or cleaning?

Original poster
ThatDearCat · 21/12/2025 21:00

No says theres no point because I wont keep on top of it. I work full time and he doesnt. I just hate the silent treatment/one word answers and the shouting. Maybe it is my fault and I need to try more. Thank you all for the advice atleast I know its not abuse

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 21/12/2025 21:01

Well some of that’s a bit difficult to follow but he doesn’t sound very nice does he? He doesn’t do anything at home ( sits on his phone), sleeps on the sofa without explaining why, is moody, is coercive about sex pressuring you to do things you’re not comfortable with, doesn’t offer any reassurance when you’re obviously feeling insecure. The short answer is that you cannot fix this on your own and if it was me I’d stop seeking the attention from him. I wouldn’t want a bloody kiss from my life partner if I plead for it. I’d starting requesting him stepping up a bit more at home and start being a bit less clingy. Get on with your day and make some plans for when he’s away.

MangerThings · 21/12/2025 21:03

Are you guys joking??

he pressures thr OP into sex acts she isn’t keen on to get a scrap of affection from him??

If this is real, then your fella is having an affair and I’m very sorry for you.

Divebar2021 · 21/12/2025 21:03

Don’t listen to these comments he’s a fucking arsehole. You work full time and he doesn’t and he expects you to do all the work around the house? . Tell him to get off his arse if he wants it tidier or pay a fucking cleaner. I wish I knew you in person so I could give you a pep talk in real life. He’s walking all over you and you’re letting him.

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:04

You deserve better OP

outofofficeagain · 21/12/2025 21:04

It doesn’t matter whether it’s abuse or not. It is not the behaviour of a loving partner.

You don’t support his dreams of travelling the world working? So he leaves for 2 months leaving you working full time and sole carer for a toddler?

He sleeps on the sofa
He withdraws affection
He withholds reassurance
He doesn’t help around the house because you’re not perfect
He coerces you into sex you don’t want then sulks.

Seriously, I would spend the two months he is away deciding whether your days are happier without him.

Icantsaythis · 21/12/2025 21:05

ThatDearCat · 21/12/2025 20:34

please kind messages I am a wreck tonight.
My husband shouted at me the other day saying that he would be better talking to a fucking wall than to me as I dont listen to the things he says and shakes his head constantly about things I do - I am not a tidy person and I think this pisses him off! I try but I feel depressed at the moment with his moods. He has been sleeping on the couch past week no reason given, one word answers, withholding any intimacy I tried to give him a kiss before I went out and he said im busy. I said love you and he said “m” and i said say it back please and he said “yeah you too”. I feel like he hates me. He is going to work far from home for 2 months in new year im a wreck I dont know whats causing this distance he just says I sont listenV what can I do? How can I get things back good? He says I dont support his dreams of traveling the world working - its hard because we have a toddler. He is on the couch on his phone all day most days and ignores me. I asked if he wanted to be intimate tonight to reconnect and sorry To much into but he said he wanted to do but play even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so hw would be nicer and he still the same. Just feel at a loss. Told him to end the marriage if he is not happy he said “i didnt say I wasnt happy” and I said I need reassurance and asked if he still loved me and he said “yes” and I said I need more than that and he said “thats your problem”

Why the hell do you want to be intimate with him - a child scrolling on his phone and grumpy.
Grow a backbone-tell him to get off his phone and clear and tidy the house

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/12/2025 21:06

He certainly sounds horrible and you should use the two months he’s away to seek legal advice and cement your plan for leaving him

LostittoBostik · 21/12/2025 21:07

As others have said, it’s not abusive behaviour it’s just the behaviour of someone in a relationship that is in a very bad place. You need to do maybe think about your future. What do you want? How do you feel? Are you really sure this is the partner you want to be with?

Original poster
ThatDearCat · 21/12/2025 21:07

I do tell him and he says “oh here you go again” and things and say that I nag. He says its all my mess and that the place is a shithole - its a really nice house . We used to be so happy

OP posts:
passthebiscuittins · 21/12/2025 21:10

I don’t think the other commenters understood your post (it took me a few attempts tbh). It sounds as though you were pressured into giving him anal sex, that you didn’t want to do, and he knows you don’t like doing, to try and make him behave nicer towards you? If this correct? He’s also putting you down for not supporting his dreams of traveling and working abroad, whilst you have a shared toddler at home?
Yes I do think it’s abuse and I think he sounds horrendous. You need to get rid of him. Use the time he is away to get your ducks in a row.

TwistedWonder · 21/12/2025 21:10

It might not be full on abuse but tbh he sounds like an absolute cunt.

Tell him to put his phone fine, get off his lazy arse and pull his weight.

But tbh is this really the life you want? Get your ducks in a row and decide whether you want to be with this wanker,

MrsDoomesPattersen · 21/12/2025 21:12

Sorry to disagree but it does sound a bit abusive - unless you play these games both ways

sexual manipulation - silent treatment - refusing to talk it out and not telling when will be ready - and you doing all the chores and him checking your work and moaning when you work more

u3ername · 21/12/2025 21:13

He doesn’t respect you, which would be my minimum requirement from anyone I’m cohabiting with.
LTB or tell him to leave, as it sounds like you’re the one paying for the house.

Notmyreality · 21/12/2025 21:13

Doesn’t sound like abuse just that you two are terrible communicators and terrible together.

Original poster
ThatDearCat · 21/12/2025 21:15

Its not both ways I go out of my way to try please him but currently walking on egg shells and afraid to open my mouth tbh its always the wrong thing. Just used to be so happy been together 10 years he’s just turned nastier but I love him and he is nice with our child

OP posts:
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:16

Sounds like my husband, he won’t change and like I said you deserve better - he should help with household chores sad support you- especially if you work full time & he doesn’t!

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