Is my husband abusing me?

[ThatDearCat]

please kind messages I am a wreck tonight.
My husband shouted at me the other day saying that he would be better talking to a fucking wall than to me as I dont listen to the things he says and shakes his head constantly about things I do - I am not a tidy person and I think this pisses him off! I try but I feel depressed at the moment with his moods. He has been sleeping on the couch past week no reason given, one word answers, withholding any intimacy I tried to give him a kiss before I went out and he said im busy. I said love you and he said “m” and i said say it back please and he said “yeah you too”. I feel like he hates me. He is going to work far from home for 2 months in new year im a wreck I dont know whats causing this distance he just says I sont listenV what can I do? How can I get things back good? He says I dont support his dreams of traveling the world working - its hard because we have a toddler. He is on the couch on his phone all day most days and ignores me. I asked if he wanted to be intimate tonight to reconnect and sorry To much into but he said he wanted to do but play even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so hw would be nicer and he still the same. Just feel at a loss. Told him to end the marriage if he is not happy he said “i didnt say I wasnt happy” and I said I need reassurance and asked if he still loved me and he said “yes” and I said I need more than that and he said “thats your problem”

Sounds very similar to narcissistic ex DP. I didn't realise I was in a domestic abuse situation til my GP told me and she "it's not even borderline." She referred me to Women' Aid and they gave me a support worker. Eventually I managed to move out.

It's incredibly clearly abuse, but, @ThatDearCat, the first few posts had me second guessing myself as well. They were wrong, you were right, this is abuse.

Hey let’s be a little supportive here, she has enough abuse to handle from her husband without someone else putting the boot in.

Is the messy house just your stuff or combined? I couldn’t live in a messy house but if it’s my partners stuff I wouldn’t tidy it away. Listen he has checked out of your relationship. He’s leaving. You to go and work abroad, he doesn’t give you any affection and he sleeps on the sofa. That’s all the info you need. I’d put my money on him having met someone else sorry and he will tell you in the new year. Get your ducks in a row. Can you afford the house you have on one wage or will it need to be sold etc?

Yes this is very abusive in many ways. Please use the blessing of him going away for 2 months as an opportunity to get help and support. You and your child absolutely need it and deserve it. Your child is being damaged by living in an abusive household. I suggest you keep yourself and your child safe by not discussing this with him, and don't give him any clues that you are talking to others and that you could leave. Please contact Women's Aid. His abuse of you has left you frightened (understandably so) and without good judgement about what is happening, and how very serious it is.

In the brief info you have shared there are many, many ways that you are being abused. You have described all these:

Verbal and emotional abuse:

-his swearing at you
-his putting you down
-constantly being negative toward you
-he is withholding communication (experts such as Patricia Evans in 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' call this one of the most insidious and dangerous forms of verbal abuse)
-his gestures such as 'head-shaking' at you often
-his frequent angry outbursts
-he is moody (keeps you on eggshells)
-you are not allowed to express your feelings ('here we go again')
-he withholds his presence (stays on couch to annoy you)
-he makes you feel 'he hates me'
-withholds physical affection in order to make you beg, then only affectionate on his terms
-'nasty', - your word sounds just right
-not helping with household and child in a kind of deliberate way so he's on the couch in front of you while you do it, then calls house a 'shithole' when it's clearly not.

sexual abuse:
-coercing you into doing things you don't want to do
-rape

financial abuse:
-not paying his fair share
-not sticking to promises
-deliberately withholding things he knows that you need /want to run household eg dryer
-making you too frightened and needy to challenge unfairness

Then this last one also goes under emotional and verbal abuse, but I'm concerned it is also hinting he's not beyond physical abuse, and I'm concerned your situation is escalating:

-not only withholding care and sympathy when you're hurt, he kind of likes it.

You said that 'I don't know what's causing the distance' between you. It is very clear what is causing the distance between you: he is. He is doing this very deliberately to control you. Coercive control is a crime. Dropping breadcrumbs of occasional niceness is a part of the control. It keeps you begging for more.

None of this is your fault. And the only way to 'fix' it is to leave. You really need help and support to do this safely though. Please reach out to Women's Aid and any friends and family who will be discreet (not talk to him) and understanding of abuse.

I didn’t want to read and run but this man is emotionally and financially abusive. Even from your opening post it was evident there was more abusive behaviour that you would detail. Please don’t blame yourself. You are confused as he is gaslighting you. Please call Women’s Aid however keep posting here, right now you need some support and help to see things clearly. Sending you handhold - it’s not you, it’s him. Trust me, you can never make this man happy.

And well
done for being brave enough to recognise this is abuse. I cannot believe the first few replies tbh. Women are not bloody house keepers . You are not “messy”, it’s hard to keep on top of things when you work full time and have an arsehole like your husband to deal with. It’s a very normal response when being abused to be confused and uncertain of yourself. You are not naive - ignore the negative comments on here as this is so much more than not keeping up with domestic duties ( which should be shared if not done more by your husband).

He sounds like he's checked out and possibly cheating on you. Regardless, it's not a nice marriage and I'd leave ASAP. He sounds immature and selfish.

I agree with this. I’d say it’s emotional abuse.

What does he contribute to the household financially and physically? He’s withholding affection and pressurising you for sex, he insults you. He sounds vile.

It’s not a healthy relationship. The fact you’re asking this question shows you aren’t happy. Time to end the relationship

My marriage ended up like this. I was on eggshells trying not to make him mad... desperately seeking a scrap of affection.

He left me for OW and l am so so glad. I have been so happy these past 10 years. My anxiety has vanished.

Only you can decide whether to stay or split but it is emotional abuse. I would never have left as l was always hoping it would improve as the DC got older.... thank goodness he met the OW. By the time he left l had emotionally shut down and was glad to see him go....but wasn't strong enough to leave myself.

My children were also led by him to also be horrible to me .... that stopped once he left as the househokd negatively had gone.

This!
Sorry, op. I can't believe some of the replies on this thread. It definitely is abuse. Silent treatment and sexual coercion. Please get yourself ready to leave and call women's aid - they have a helpline: 0808 2000 247

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

So sorry your going through this. I wonder if you have a friend or family member to go to at Christmas?

Perhaps his 2 months away will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Sending strength to you.

That isnt him being nice. That is him doing the cycle of abuse.

op, he is an awful man. You will be fine and have peace when he is working away and take from that you know you will manage alone permenantly.

He didnt buy the dryer because it doesnt benefit him. He doesn't do the laundry, does he.

I wonder whether he asked for anal because he knew you would say no and it then gave him the excuse to have a go at you.

Apologies, I do see that my reply was rude. Wishing the best for OP

Apologies, I do see that my reply was rude. Wishing the best for OP

I think that you may find that when he leaves for work away , you’ll initially find it hard. But then you will adjust. The house will become lighter. You ll no longer be walking on eggshells. Wait and see. Food for thought about how life might be without living with him.

How about play him at his own game? Ignore him, don't do his cleaning ,washing, cooking. Take child out without saying where, go to relatives for a few days. When he goes away, don't return calls or messages, he is an arse.
He is doing the "treatment mean keep them keen" don't play the game. Never do anything sexual you don't want to do.💞

Your partner sounds horrible.
Please seek legal advice.
Look up ‘Grey Rock’ as a method of communication.
Don’t feed the nastiness.
Make life as pleasant as possible for your DC.
After legal help, make New Year plans to end this abusive relationship & get this completely useless person out of your life.

You already are in a worse situation of being with someone who makes you feel all alone. You carry him like a parasite.

Find someone who loves you.