Is my husband abusing me?

[ThatDearCat]

please kind messages I am a wreck tonight.
My husband shouted at me the other day saying that he would be better talking to a fucking wall than to me as I dont listen to the things he says and shakes his head constantly about things I do - I am not a tidy person and I think this pisses him off! I try but I feel depressed at the moment with his moods. He has been sleeping on the couch past week no reason given, one word answers, withholding any intimacy I tried to give him a kiss before I went out and he said im busy. I said love you and he said “m” and i said say it back please and he said “yeah you too”. I feel like he hates me. He is going to work far from home for 2 months in new year im a wreck I dont know whats causing this distance he just says I sont listenV what can I do? How can I get things back good? He says I dont support his dreams of traveling the world working - its hard because we have a toddler. He is on the couch on his phone all day most days and ignores me. I asked if he wanted to be intimate tonight to reconnect and sorry To much into but he said he wanted to do but play even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so hw would be nicer and he still the same. Just feel at a loss. Told him to end the marriage if he is not happy he said “i didnt say I wasnt happy” and I said I need reassurance and asked if he still loved me and he said “yes” and I said I need more than that and he said “thats your problem”

It's not confusing at all it's quite simple really, basically he is a cunt.

Agree

Im baffled how anyone says this isnt abusive but it absolutely is in so many ways.

As others have suggested, please reach out to women's aid and get some support.

Giving you spaghetti head is what an abuser does to their chosen target. It’s only a matter of time before your child could repeat what his dad is saying. Your child cannot afford to grow up in such a home.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

If someone else was writing this what would your counsel be?.

Hold on, @ThatDearCat. If he is working less than you, he should be picking up more of the housework. Saying he won’t bother because it will just get messy again - well that’s how life is: you clear up, you use stuff, you clear up again. He refuses to talk because he’s not interested in hearing your different view point. If you ask him to do something, you’re nagging. (But it’s fine for him to tell you what to do). He sounds mean and nasty. I’d say he’s abusing you. In your posts, you sound kind of frantic and breathless and overwhelmed with anxiety. That is also a sign you’re being abused. If your relationship leaves you that anxious, then it’s a bad relationship and your best ofc out of it.

Fixable? My first thoughts are, why would you want to?

Yes he sounds abusive, he is critical, financially abusive, he puts you down at every opportunity and he has to rule the roost.

Wave him off on his great adventure abroad, you just might feel a huge surge of relief not to be walking on eggshells around a thoroughly nasty sounding person. I know I would, and I’d be absolutely dreading the thought of him returning.

You are worth SO much more than this nasty creep. Stop dancing around him asking for drips of affection, by doing this you are feeding his air of superiority & sadly becoming his doormat. You sound so much nicer than that. Get rid and see your confidence and contentment will soar.

Thank you for replying everyone. He can be nice like bought dinner for me the other day, builds our childs presents ect, takes care of the garden and things. But just has angry outbursts. Nice one day ignores me the next type thing. I fear being alone and how I would cope.

OP he won’t change - and as for being nice sometimes - google the “cycle of abuse”

How does this work? Sorry to drail. I need a bit of guidance too.

It’s not fixable. He doesn’t love you and he’s being horrible to you because he doesn’t know how to end the relationship.

So he throws you a few crumbs of the bare minimum? Abusers don’t act like cunts 100% of the time - they have moments of normality.

Why on earth do you think bring single us scarier than being a cycle of abuse? And do you really think you DC should grow up in this toxic environment just because you are scared of being on your own?

I’m really sorry but I agree. He’s behaving unbearably so that you will get to breaking point. He has a dream of travelling and working abroad, leaving wife and kid at home? Sorry but I’d bet on him getting ready to start a new life. Leaving you on the hook for debt is unforgivable. You’d really need to figure out what you’d do in a worst case scenario if he buggered off on a two month contract and went silent on you.

This is one of the ways abusers keeps you staying - sometimes you get “rewarded” and you want more - it’s intermittent and because it’s unpredictable when it’s coming you hope more and then are pleased when he’s nice

please go and read some of the stuff on the women’s aid website

you sound destabilised and wrong footed - good relationships don’t work like that and you should never feel on eggshells

and I say this as someone who got away myself and chose better - I’m ashamed to say I was running down the road with a sheet wrapped round me after his van shouting “I’ll do what you want” - this was a silent treatment episode if I don’t do what he wanted - same intermittent treatment then lashing out

@TwistedWonder has nailed it. Even abusers are nice some of the time. It’s a cycle. When they’re not abusing you, they will often lovebomb you. Then they go back to abusing you. The early posters on this thread didn’t have the full picture. If you’re on eggshells around your husband, then that’s further evidence that he’s abusive.

this!

Because they will give you support and guidance as to what to do.
It is abuse. It's coercive control and he's being so manipulative that the OP can't see it. It's now recognised as abuse and WA will see this. It's a very sneaky covert type of abuse and it's hard to define so victims can't always see it when they're in the thick of it. It's also sexual abuse.
He's knocked your confidence OP which is why you don't believe that you'll be able to cope alone but you will. You need someone to support you through this in real life.

It sounds abusive to me OP
and he sounds like a horrible person to you. Please leave him, he’s a bully and sounds checked out of family life.

This man pressured you into anal sex. This wasn’t very clear on the initial reading of your post, so a lot of people have missed it. The responses would be very different if they hadn’t. If possible, I’d see if MN will allow you to edit it.

He’s extremely abusive. He becomes more foul with every detail you share.

You would cope fine being alone. Adults do.

Yes, this is abusive. Emotionally. He's angry at you for being untidy, yet sits on his phone instead of doing his bit. He pressures you and dismisses you when you don't give him exactly what he wants. You "walk on egg shells" and he swears at you and berates you. You don't support his dream of travelling the world, easier said than done with a toddler. He's no good. Don't pine for him whilst he's away. I was in a similar position a few months ago and the space ,when he left, was unbearable at first, but then I became happier without the constant criticism and psychological games. When he tried to come back, I had made a better, stress-free life for myself. Don't beg; it's so hard to see when you're in the thick of it, but given some space, you may see things differently.

Of course it's abuse.

... and therefore in need of more help and support, especially given the first few posters misread the OP.

He coerced her into anal sex or nothing, but he's not abusive? Read the OP again. Yes, her grammar isn't great, but it's all in there.

He has been sleeping on the couch past week no reason given, one word answers, withholding any intimacy I tried to give him a kiss before I went out and he said im busy. I said love you and he said “m” and i said say it back please and he said “yeah you too”.

I asked if he wanted to be intimate tonight to reconnect and sorry To much into but he said he wanted to do but play even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so hw would be nicer and he still the same.

The OP missed a T when typing "butt play", and mispelt "info" as "into". I recognise that some readers may not have realised this, and misread that paragraph.

Translation: "I asked my husband if he wanted sex tonight to restore our marital bond. TMI alert: he said he wanted anal sex even though he knows I don't like it and he gave me a choice between no sex at all or anal, telling me that he wasn't in the mood for vaginal sex. I gave into doing anal in the hope that he would be more affectionate, having deprived me of even kisses and loving words for a week, and he was still cold with me."

Now tell me, isn't that clear emotional abuse?

OP, I am sorry to tell you that he enjoyed making you do perform a sexual act that he knows you dislike. He enjoys having you dance like a puppet on strings for him.

You need to leave this man. Him working away for two months may be the break from him that you need to do so.