Is my husband abusing me?

[ThatDearCat]

please kind messages I am a wreck tonight.
My husband shouted at me the other day saying that he would be better talking to a fucking wall than to me as I dont listen to the things he says and shakes his head constantly about things I do - I am not a tidy person and I think this pisses him off! I try but I feel depressed at the moment with his moods. He has been sleeping on the couch past week no reason given, one word answers, withholding any intimacy I tried to give him a kiss before I went out and he said im busy. I said love you and he said “m” and i said say it back please and he said “yeah you too”. I feel like he hates me. He is going to work far from home for 2 months in new year im a wreck I dont know whats causing this distance he just says I sont listenV what can I do? How can I get things back good? He says I dont support his dreams of traveling the world working - its hard because we have a toddler. He is on the couch on his phone all day most days and ignores me. I asked if he wanted to be intimate tonight to reconnect and sorry To much into but he said he wanted to do but play even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so hw would be nicer and he still the same. Just feel at a loss. Told him to end the marriage if he is not happy he said “i didnt say I wasnt happy” and I said I need reassurance and asked if he still loved me and he said “yes” and I said I need more than that and he said “thats your problem”

You love this man?

This

Walking on eggshells is usually sign of abuse

whatever it is he is not treating you with respect

He isn’t nice with your child if he had non-consensual anal sex with his child’s mother.

You work full time and he dares to criticise your housekeeping? He can fuck off.

and can’t believe some of the halfwits on here saying it’s not abusive.

op, he’s a shitstain.

Yes, this is abuse.
Being forced into anal sex.
Getting the silent treatment.
Not doing his share of the chores.
Making the OP feel everything is her fault.

She's constantly walking on eggshells.

@ThatDearCat you need to be making plans to get him out of your life.

Where did the anal sex get mentioned?

You need to phone woman’s aid pronto and leave.

if he’s coercing you into a sex act that’s rape no getting away with that it’s rape.

He certainly is abusive, OP. He lazes around while you work full-time and care for a toddler, and apparently he also expects you to keep the house clean and tidy, do the laundry etc. What useful thing does he do? He is cold and uncaring. He pressures you into having anal sex, which you don’t enjoy and which can cause internal injuries. He wants to travel the world — are you supposed to bring the 2-year-old along or stay at home?

So he’s a lazy, critical, self-deluding freeloader who contributes nothing, shows you no kindness and pressures you into dangerous sex.

Yes, that’s abusive. Do you want DC to grow up with him as a role model?

It took me a few tries of reading the OP but it is here. Unfortunately the post is not very well written so I think that is why a lot of commentators have missed all of the glaring red flags.

I asked if he wanted to be intimate tonight to reconnect and sorry To(o) much in(f)o but he said he wanted to do but(t) play even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so h(e) would be nicer and he still the same

The brackets are my corrections to make it more readable.

And for the OP yes he is abusing you and yes you need to LTB.

Oh, totally didn’t see the thing about anal sex at all - I read it as you offered intimacy and he rejected - I take back my not abusive comment!

no one should be coerced into that sort of thing!

Please never blame yourself for his silent treatment. It's childish and yes, it's manipulation and mentally abusive imo. Being in a good marriage is being able to communicate, including when things go wrong. Silent treatment is a power trip over you and erodes your confidence, same with the sex stuff only being on his terms.. Don't blame yourself, get mad at his childishness.

If he complains about the mess of the house, then ask him to pitch in and help clear it if it annoys him so much. He has I presume 2 legs and two arms, he can help. Looking after a toddler can be hard, esp if they act up some days.

OP, you sound a nice lady who is struggling. You don't sound happy. If your hubby isn't going to work towards this marriage, then perhaps take a good feel of how it is while he is away working. You may just surprise yourself and find you prefer it...

he said he wanted to do but play [butt play = anal sex] even tho he knows I dont want that and he kept saying “nah you wont do it so not in the mood” so I did just so he would be nicer and he still the same.

He does pay half the monthly bills. We had a new kitchen worth £13,000 3 years ago on finance and was agreed we would pay half andput my direct debit details down - ive finished the payments and he refused to pay a single penny after agreeing to do so. I was suppose to get a dryer as a birthday present but then he saw I over filled the dryer once and said Im breaking the one I have so why the fuck should he buy me a new one. - he was buying that and I was paying for a holiday for us all. No he is going working abroad and me and our child staying home

That will be a blessing in disguise for you then cos he will be out of your life and you don't have to have him back.

Quite frankly, he sounds horrible.

I would urge you to contact Womens aid and get a plan together into leaving your abuser. You are walking on eggshells which to my mind is code for living in fear. His silent treatment alternating with sulking are further examples of emotional abuse.

Your child and you would be better off without him in your day to day lives.

Do you not think this is fixable? Just feel like he doesnt like me anymore he never smiles at me, hugs me or anything like that I fell down the stairs today and he just ran to the stairs and said “must of been something on them” as if there was mess on the stairs - there was nothing!!!

It's a toxic relationship at best. He's coercing you to have analysis sex that you don't want - which is sexual abuse. He's withholding affection, not talking to you, shouting at you. Lots of abusive behaviour in there. It's sounds as if you are trauma bonded, the worse he treats you, the more you crave his affection. You need to separate. This is not healthy for you or your child.

No there is no fixing this. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and he’s crossed that line repeatedly.

He’s also not above trying to gaslight you either by suggesting there was something on the stairs that caused you to fall down them. He showed you no regard or concern that you could have been seriously hurt here. Your child and you deserve a life free from abuse.

I would also concur that you are trauma bonded to him.

It's in the OP.
She mentions "but play (butt play) which is anal sex.
She let him even though she didn't want to, to see if he'd be nice to her afterwards, but he wasn't.

And the poor OP is still thinking she might be in the wrong.

No this can’t be fixed and why would you want to when he’s financially abused you, he’s a liar, a bully and he sexually abused you?

He’s a disgusting piece of shit. Don’t let your DC grow up in a home where abuse is normalised.

Its just all confusing because when I confront him and say how I feel I get comments like “whats the fucking point talking you will only see stuff from your point of view” and “waste of time talking to you” and “whatever” he doesn’t let me say how I feel just says its all about me