What is happening to my life?

[RillHunner]

Ok not really sure whether to post in health / mental health or relationships, but the main problem is with husband so posting here.

We have had a volatile relationship, since my parents died he became increasingly controlling, but in between it was ok, as long as I “behaved” life was ok.

I realise ok is maybe not good enough, but the background is that I have PTSD, depression and anxiety.. so don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do anything about it, ie leave.

Fast forward a few years and we are living together in a house I inherited but which is jointly owned by myself and my younger sibling who is disabled. I care for sibling, who cannot work or drive but can be left alone safely so I do work part time.

Last month my husband left me following a trivial argument. He is renting a flat about 50 miles away.

i relied on him to pay the bills, and now he’s gone am really struggling.

My sibling will not claim Pip as is in identical about the disability and has capacity. They help with bills by withdrawing from inheritance but has lost money in shares so will only give me a limited amount… can be aggressive and violent so I am reluctant to anger them.

i recently started working as an escort to help pay the bills, but am feeling like I’m an empty shell, as if it’s sucking all the life and soul from me. It does help financially but I feel trapped, desperately unhappy and lonely, as I can’t confide in anyone- my friends and colleagues would be horrified.

To further complicate matters my husband has started contacting me to meet up for coffee / lunch etc but will not allow any conversation other than superficial.

If I ask what his feelings are or what is happening he gets angry and tells me not to start again, and to stop having a go at him.. he says he can’t cope with me. So I shut up, eat the meal and be grateful. He always used to put x at the end of messages but since he moved out he stopped. I asked him why and he ignored the text message. I didn’t want to push it as scared of his reaction.

He is meeting me on Christmas Eve to take me shopping to buy food for Christmas, he is spending the day with me and sibling.

Last week he took me to a local mall to go Christmas shopping, I bought some gifts for my friends and he bought some perfume for his ex wife (?!) - he also got me a bag I saw and said I liked.

He saw a model car he liked (he collects them) so I got it for him.

I am beyond confused at the state of my life and don’t know where to go for answers or what to do. I used mumsnet years ago so thought I’d post asking for any advice or perspective,

This sounds awful but to simplify things, walk away from your ex. If you can't afford to run the house without doing escort work, sell it. Your sister will have to make alternative arrangements but that is not your problem. You are a classic example of someone setting themself on fire to keep everyone else warm

I hope you get some good advice on this thread

Oh OP I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. As your husband chose to leave he no longer has control over you so you don't have to see him anymore or contact him back. I would advise to stop responding to him completely.

I understand that your sibling won't apply for PIP (they can apply even if they have capacity as long as they have a disability so I'm not sure I understood behy they won't). Could you contact you local authority to see if you can apply for carer's allowance at all? That might help financially a little bit.

Alternatively you can contact them in general to see if they could assess your sibling for their care needs and see if any of that can be paid by the local authority so you can go back to work full time. I appreciate that your sibling might not like it but you shouldn't have to force yourself to work as an escort to provide for you and them. This is not okay. There is help OP, start with adult social care. Sending lots of love and strength xxx

Thank you, my sibling does not want to apply for pip and has too much capital to be eligible for universal credit.

i called the council and they said they can’t do an assessment unless they needed help washing / dressing etc which they don’t. It’s more a mental disability.. I am not eligible for carers allowance unless the person being cared for gets (for example) pip, so it’s catch 22.

i have explained this dilemma to my sibling but was told to stop attacking them.. so I left it. Sibling did give me some money towards arrears but said was not willing to apply for any benefits - at least not until inheritance had run out.

I think there is an issue if being “in denial” about the extent of their disability.. the capacity issue was to explain the council said sibling can’t be forced to apply for help if they have capacity to decline it.

Ah I see, the second post clarifies the situation a little bit more.
Have you spoken to a carer's charity such as the Carer's trust to see what they suggest or whether there would be any support out there for you?

It's a tough spot you're in but if your sibling is refusing to accept that they need support my only advice is - put yourself first OP as you won't be able to change that. Tell them that you want to sell the house as you can't keep this going. You're having to put yourself at risk, it's not fair.
Either you both sell the house or your sibling has to buy you out.
Sounds to me like your sibling is exploiting you without even understanding the extent of what you have to go through to pay the bills.

Yes I feel very exploited and confused. I am waiting for contact from the local carer support organisation.

I know my life is going in the wrong direction but I feel trapped.

Trapped by the men who will pay to use me;
Trapped by husband who despite leaving me is keeping me dangling with contact & the hope of ad hoc support;
Trapped by sibling who has cognitive issues but their attitude still feel very mean and selfish;
Trapped by guilt as I promised my late parents I would care for siblings after they died (parents cared for and financially supported sibling into adult hood, sibling has never worked or lived anywhere except with parents who are both now passed away).

it’s got to the stage where I sometimes feel I can’t carry on. I fantasise about “ending it all” but never would. I just try to keep going from day to day. It’s exhausting and draining. As I said in the OP I just feel like a shell / zombie going through the motions of life without fully being present in it.,

Right OP. You need to tell your sibling that you will no longer financially support them until they apply for PIP. No question, no arguments. Would selling the house give you enough capital to buy something of your own, even a flat? If so, then you insist the house is sold. You also need to end your relationship with your ex. Without further details I do have a small amount of sympathy for him. Living with your sister in her condition must be pretty dysfunctional.

Thanks Gina. Yes I would have enough capital. It will be a huge upheaval to sell the house (been in same ownership for 50+ years, lots of clutter) but it’s looking like that’s the way to go. I just feel overwhelmed and too fatigued to start declutterjng, apart from facing very little time. Sister will do nothing, or to be precise can do nothing, to help.

Id welcome some further perspective on husband’s actions- do others think like PP that it was sibling situation which drove him away then?

He never actually blamed that, he just said he was fed up of living with me.

I am guessing that the sibling is actually a brother as, in my experience, this seems to be a more common scenario. You need to take action before your life unravels and it would really help if you had someone on your side to look after your interests and mental health. Do you have anybody that could do that for you?

OK - just saw sibling is a sister. Ignore that!

Does your sister know about the escorting and the effect it is having on you? Surely that is far worse than applying for PIP?

OP I will also suggest making contact with a local sexual violence charity. I know it seems like you're making a decision to sex work but to me it seems that you see no other way. Charities usually have confidential helplines and they can offer heaps of support and signposting. This type of work will no doubt have a profound effect on your emotional wellbeing so please do speak to someone.

They will not judge you.

I will also add that whilst yes you promised your parents to look after siblings after they died I am sure that they would not want that if it meant putting your safety at risk so do not feel an ounce of guilt.

yes she knows.

She just says “you shouldn’t be doing that..” without acknowledging that she is the cause of it.

If I push the discussion / try to explain the effect her refusal to bring in any income is having on me she starts to cry and says go away and stop attacking me.

I get that she has serious mental issues (slipped through the net as always supported by parents who were prob in denial too).. but it is beyond frustrating for me. And is also not great for my mental health to be so stressed and having to work as an escort... the income is good but the pressure is huge- I need to “look good”., stay on top of hair / nails etc which I can’t be arsed to do most days - suffering massive fatigue

Is there any guarantee that PIP would even be awarded given that she seems to be in denial of her disability ? Is there any medical evidence/ GP reports / specialists reports? If not she's going to struggle to claim it even if she agrees to. I would break away form her, get the house sold and get a full time job.

The other problem I face is that there is no diagnosis for her and she refuses to get one!

But she won't try to get a job?

Get legal advice on how to sell the house and get free of her.

Prostitution will destroy you.

Yes PIP is so hard to get you would at least need reports/ evidence of therapy/ meds etc. They don't just hand it out without a lot of medical evidence.

Correct - she refuses to work. If pressured she will give me enough to cover half of overdue bills / “red reminder letters”

I can’t afford legal advice, I’m not eligible for legal aid.

prostitution is already destroying me. It’s the mental and emotional aspect which is the most horrific actually.. many clients are actually quite nice and it makes me sad getting glimpses into their lives knowing they only see me as an object while my supposed husband also doesn’t want me. I’m in a real state.. and holding down my part time job is a struggle too given my state of mind. I’d also prob be sacked if anyone at work found out.

Actually I think she’s unemployable even if she was agreeable to looking for work! Serious communication issues and agoraphobia

Clear out the dead wood in your life. Shut your husband down, block him on everything, and cease this quasi interaction of a marriage you have with him. He’s shown you what he is and how he feels, hes moved out for goodness sake, so put a stop to it. Regain some control.

As for your leech of a sister, get the house valued and take it from there. She needs a kick up the bottom and sounds manipulative with her crocodile tears. You are feeding into that, probably like your parents did and she is milking it. Take back some control.

After Christmas get your hair done and if you can’t afford a basic manicure, learn to do it at home. Get plenty of sleep, look after No 1 and get your mojo back. You can do it.

Make 2026 your year! 2025 was the Chinese year of the snake so time to shed your skin and gallop into the year of the horse. You can do it,
small steps at a time.

Not sure where I stand legally (if I could afford legal advice) re husband.

Does a spouse have a responsibility to support the other even though they have left ?

We never had joint finances but he paid most of household bills and most of the food shopping. I don’t know exactly how much he earns as he would never tell me. I know in a divorce you have to disclose income, but he is the type of person who would just lie on the forms!!

Thank you pasha, that is such an inspiring post 💐

Husband wants to spend Christmas with us though.. so he can’t think the set up is that much of a problem? Granted it’s only one day.

But if he’s moved out why does he still want contact with me? I’m so confused about everyone in my life & their attitudes

Whose name is on the utility bills?

What I'm thinking: once the weather warms up a bit so that frozen pipes aren't a risk, you walk out, you cancel the gas, electricity, and water accounts, you notify social services that you are moving out and leaving your disabled sister behind, and you wait it out. You rent a bedsit, a hostel bunk, even sleep in your car if you have to. Various "van life" websites cover how to make short-term vehicle dwelling work. Once free, you can go full-time employed.

"D"Sis won't like living in the dark and cold with no running water and no live-in slave for very long. She'll quickly become a lot more cooperative with SS in terms of getting a diagnosis, a carer, and claiming PIP.

If SS try to guilt-trip you into coming back, you explain that you were having to prostitute yourself to make ends meet. Don't say "escorting" because that could mean being a paid-for plus-one at a wedding, use the word "prostitution".

Yes, you'll be moving out of a home you own half of. But you'll be free of the fear, obligation, and guilt and you'll have ended the enormous risk that prostitution poses to you.

I think your parents put you in an incredibly unfair situation here.

They should have made arrangements for their daughter not just left it to you. You are hemmed in on all sides.

l have an ASD dd, l fear for her but would never expect her siblings to look after her. She also refused assessments but l had to be really tough in the end.

l agree with pp. Move out and rent somewhere. You can’t carry your sister all your life.

Arseintgecoop.. yes, she was always the favoured child, could do no wrong. Whenever she was naughty as a child, I was blamed.

I suspect my late parents felt it was some kind of “shame” to have a child with special needs, so tried to cover it up and blame otters.

I remember when she struggled to read, it was the school’s fault, the teacher’s fault.

She was moved to an expensive private school (where she was put in the SEN class) and ferried to and fro by them by car - all the while I was left to fend for myself at the local comprehensive and travel by bus.. I’m not moaning (it was character building), but in contrast to her treatment it felt unfair.