What is happening to my life?

[RillHunner]

Ok not really sure whether to post in health / mental health or relationships, but the main problem is with husband so posting here.

We have had a volatile relationship, since my parents died he became increasingly controlling, but in between it was ok, as long as I “behaved” life was ok.

I realise ok is maybe not good enough, but the background is that I have PTSD, depression and anxiety.. so don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do anything about it, ie leave.

Fast forward a few years and we are living together in a house I inherited but which is jointly owned by myself and my younger sibling who is disabled. I care for sibling, who cannot work or drive but can be left alone safely so I do work part time.

Last month my husband left me following a trivial argument. He is renting a flat about 50 miles away.

i relied on him to pay the bills, and now he’s gone am really struggling.

My sibling will not claim Pip as is in identical about the disability and has capacity. They help with bills by withdrawing from inheritance but has lost money in shares so will only give me a limited amount… can be aggressive and violent so I am reluctant to anger them.

i recently started working as an escort to help pay the bills, but am feeling like I’m an empty shell, as if it’s sucking all the life and soul from me. It does help financially but I feel trapped, desperately unhappy and lonely, as I can’t confide in anyone- my friends and colleagues would be horrified.

To further complicate matters my husband has started contacting me to meet up for coffee / lunch etc but will not allow any conversation other than superficial.

If I ask what his feelings are or what is happening he gets angry and tells me not to start again, and to stop having a go at him.. he says he can’t cope with me. So I shut up, eat the meal and be grateful. He always used to put x at the end of messages but since he moved out he stopped. I asked him why and he ignored the text message. I didn’t want to push it as scared of his reaction.

He is meeting me on Christmas Eve to take me shopping to buy food for Christmas, he is spending the day with me and sibling.

Last week he took me to a local mall to go Christmas shopping, I bought some gifts for my friends and he bought some perfume for his ex wife (?!) - he also got me a bag I saw and said I liked.

He saw a model car he liked (he collects them) so I got it for him.

I am beyond confused at the state of my life and don’t know where to go for answers or what to do. I used mumsnet years ago so thought I’d post asking for any advice or perspective,

You make that decision for him that it's over. He is treating you appallingly, can you not see it?

He turns your life upside down and punishes you with unreasonable anger for wanting certainty and for having feelings of your own about it. He doesn't want a person for a wife, he wants an appliance, a robot. In some ways, he's treating you worse than the men who buy sex from you. At least the punters are honest about what they want and don't leave you in limbo.

The men who buy sex from me seem really nice most of the time (apart from the fact they are cheating on their wives with an escort obviously…..)

This is so sad.

You think men who pay for sex are nice
Youre ex is being horrible
Your sibling abuses you financially and physically.

You need to recognise how unhappy you are. And how all these people are using you.

I hope you manage to pull yourself up and out of this situation x

They may well be “nice” but nice isn’t necessarily good or kind. Nice people are often guilty of doing the worst things all the while being “nice” and this is a perfect example of that.

Again I’m so sorry that you’ve felt this is your only option but I don’t believe it is. You are just so used to being used that I believe it was relatively “easy” to slip into sex work. Sometimes the familiar is comforting and seductive and you’re definitely familiar with being used. It sounds your own parents even sidelined you too.

That said well done on confronting your husband. You can’t force an answer out of him but at least you tried and he did give somewhat of an answer about when he would be able to settle things - although after Christmas is pretty vague!

I say you give it a few days after Christmas then if he’s not said anything you need to end it for yourself and start 2026 afresh.

It’s humiliating waiting around for a guy like this to make a decision given how he’s treated you . If anything he should be lucky that you want him back.

Take back your power Op, far too many people have control over you.

Hi OP, if you're comfortable saying/PMing roughly where in the country you are, I am sure someone here could help? I'd happily 'visit' for a couple of days if it'd help to have someone else there.

(I'd be ID-verified, of course.)

OP I wish I could give more useful advice, but what I really want to say is that you matter, you have value, you are a strong and brave and loving human being. And all that is still true even though the people in your life have treated you badly. You deserve so much better than them. Don't give up. It will take work but bit by bit you can get out from under all of this. 💐

Hi @RillHunner you really need to sort the husband situation out first and then go from there with your sister situation.

Your husband is stringing you along and you need to take action and start divorce proceedings. This is the thing I would deal with first.