What is happening to my life?

[RillHunner]

Ok not really sure whether to post in health / mental health or relationships, but the main problem is with husband so posting here.

We have had a volatile relationship, since my parents died he became increasingly controlling, but in between it was ok, as long as I “behaved” life was ok.

I realise ok is maybe not good enough, but the background is that I have PTSD, depression and anxiety.. so don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do anything about it, ie leave.

Fast forward a few years and we are living together in a house I inherited but which is jointly owned by myself and my younger sibling who is disabled. I care for sibling, who cannot work or drive but can be left alone safely so I do work part time.

Last month my husband left me following a trivial argument. He is renting a flat about 50 miles away.

i relied on him to pay the bills, and now he’s gone am really struggling.

My sibling will not claim Pip as is in identical about the disability and has capacity. They help with bills by withdrawing from inheritance but has lost money in shares so will only give me a limited amount… can be aggressive and violent so I am reluctant to anger them.

i recently started working as an escort to help pay the bills, but am feeling like I’m an empty shell, as if it’s sucking all the life and soul from me. It does help financially but I feel trapped, desperately unhappy and lonely, as I can’t confide in anyone- my friends and colleagues would be horrified.

To further complicate matters my husband has started contacting me to meet up for coffee / lunch etc but will not allow any conversation other than superficial.

If I ask what his feelings are or what is happening he gets angry and tells me not to start again, and to stop having a go at him.. he says he can’t cope with me. So I shut up, eat the meal and be grateful. He always used to put x at the end of messages but since he moved out he stopped. I asked him why and he ignored the text message. I didn’t want to push it as scared of his reaction.

He is meeting me on Christmas Eve to take me shopping to buy food for Christmas, he is spending the day with me and sibling.

Last week he took me to a local mall to go Christmas shopping, I bought some gifts for my friends and he bought some perfume for his ex wife (?!) - he also got me a bag I saw and said I liked.

He saw a model car he liked (he collects them) so I got it for him.

I am beyond confused at the state of my life and don’t know where to go for answers or what to do. I used mumsnet years ago so thought I’d post asking for any advice or perspective,

Personally I think there is an ASD going on. There is no physical disability, however she cannot relate, socialise, pick up social cues, is very literal to the point of rudeness, says some things over and over again, talks in a childish sing song voice, seems to spend much of the time in a day dream, obsessively draws the same thing over and over, cannot work a self checkout, needs assistance navigating any kind of retail interaction, Is generally hyper anxious which manifests as aggression if not given huge comfort : reassurance.

I’m no expert if course, but having lived with her that’s my guess.

Can you work more? That would get you out of the house.

Her being home all day must rack up the bills?

Sell the house and look at sheltered accommodation or assisted living

I know you promised your parents but prostitution was probably the last thing they wanted for you.

I think you need to speak to woman’s aid.

It doesn’t matter what your husband wants - what do you want?

Are you claiming carers allowance? .

I can’t claim carers allowance until / unless she claims PIP.

I have been looking at increasing my hours yes.. but the longer I’m away from home, the worse state the house gets in. I came home the other evening and the oven was on- it had been left on all day since lunchtime as she had “forgotten to turn it off”…

ArseinCoop… I want to leave, I worry i’d just struggle with being tough enough to sustain it.

I don’t really know what would happen if I left - apart from chaos.. and if the house is going to be sold it’s in my interests to keep in up together and not let it descend into squalor - which it soon would if I wasn’t there

But how are you going to force a house sale without leaving? You've said you can't afford legal advice.

I think this an ND person and all her behaviour and controlling is coming from a place of paralysing anxiety.

Maybe if you talked about her anxiety first she would be better about moving. I think your first port of call is ss How can you leave the house if she forgets to turn the oven off?

Would she see GP?

Problem is that you are in ToLATA territory with the house. Try posting in Legal.

Re proving her support needs and lack of capacity:

• Start documenting everything she does that's unsafe or unreasonable, starting with her leaving the oven on. Don't tell her that you are doing this. Every time you come home to hungry pets and a dirty litter tray, write it down.
• Document every time you have to ask her for money and how she reacts. Ditto her reaction every time you remind her that her not paying up is why you are prostituting yourself.
• When you walk, you give a copy of this to SS. It's evidence that she doesn't have the capacity to refuse SS care. Keep a copy for yourself to show to any flying monkeys she sends your way.

Re financial position:

• Do a spreadsheet and see where the money goes and how big the black hole is.
• See how much the rent on a bedsit is. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Re the husband:

• ASAP get a divorce and financial settlement. The financial settlement might itself force the sale of the house.

She refuses to see GP.

the oven on is just a case of wasting electricity, if it were a hob etc would be more dangerous.. actually the hob was left on once but I was there!

This is all really helpful- thank you, I will start to document/ log.

Make contact with Social Services and make it very clear you need an urgent assessment, that you are close to breakdown. Carer breakdown is a recognised thing. I am so sorry your parents left you with this, it makes me so glad my son is now in assisted living meaning he's not the responsibility of his siblings when something happens to me. I did have to beg Social Services for help though, and I was listened to eventually.

Write down how you are feeling, how your sister won't cooperate and how your parents left you to care for your sibling. Make it clear they were in denial of there being an invisible disability in their child, yet she was placed within a SEN class. State that your sister is also in denial and has no ability to recognise or empathise about the impact trying to care for her is having on you. Having tried your best to look after her for X amount of years you are unable to continue to do so, detail how you are forced to prostitute yourself to make ends meet and that you feel totally and utterly broken. Take it to the Doctors, let them read it all, ask them to make a referral to social services.

Maybe your husband is just trying to support you at the moment? - That's me being generous! I'm not sure what his purpose is right now but it's no help to you whatsoever. Cut contact for now, you need to focus on you.

I don’t mean to be blunt but by escorting do you mean having sex with these men? Either way you need to stop immediately. This will have long lasting consequences for your mental health and any future relationships and it will just be something else to drain your energy and money as you look for ways to overcome it.

Agree with the others that your sister is manipulative. You need to look at things logically, even if you feel guilty at the idea of moving out. this can’t carry on and then when you’re unable to continue you’ll be no use to anyone.

Re. Your husband I suspect he’s met someone else. It may not be that serious and he’s comfortable with you hence wanting to spend Christmas with you but I doubt he’s left your shared home to be properly single.

Unfortunately your husband will be entitled to half your share of the house irrespective of only living there a short time.

I do think you need to sell up and break free from your sister, in the long term this might do her the world of good.

Why can’t you increase your hours at work and drop the escorting? Surely you need to be out of the house for that too leaving your sister home alone so far better to get more income from your main job. Maybe look for a job that allows hybrid. I tend to go to office daily, but come home for 3pm and log back on for a few hours. Or I could work 2 full days in office and 3 from home. Sounds like your sister can manage. Its a slippery slope the escort work.

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

Husband needs to go. He moved away and has put you in a difficult financial position. He now doesn’t get to choose when he sees you. Take control of the situation.

If the house is overflowing, are there things you can sell to help with the bills? It very much sounds like you need to clear it, sell it and live separately. Sibling sounds like they would benefit from living in an assisted living set up. Somewhere you still oversee their life but aren’t responsible for day to day care.

The escort work needs to stop. If you are vulnerable this will be especially detrimental to your long term mental health. Is there anything else you can do short term like bar work or care work visiting people in their own homes? You could as many hours as you want with that and work is pretty plentiful.

Please speak to your GP, the local carers charity (which it sounds like you’ve done), MIND and the local council who should be helping with sign posting (not just equipment). Tell them you are right on the edge and at risk of carer breakdown. They have a duty of care to support you. It is also cheaper for them to support than wait for you to malfunction and the fallout that entails.

Don’t overthink people’s motivations. You will never know why people do what they do. Far better to cut out the toxic negative stuff and replace them with better choices.

Yes the escort work involves sex. Yes it is affecting my mental health. Unfortunately everything that’s happened recently has, to the extent that I have little motivation and even less energy, I’m just existing and while I’m not suicidal I wouldn’t care if I died.

the problem with H is that I love him. And I suppose I love sister too, they’re all I have. And believe me, blood ties and a semblance of an actual relationship are pretty important when you are doing the work I am - ie being used as a meaningless object. I suppose I’m clinging to the hope that H will come back. I don’t know why he’s staying friendly and wanting to spend time with me? I am trying to be better to him and not annoy him as much by being too demanding.

You're being "used as an object" because you've put yourself in that position, it's not personal, it's the nature of the job. You don't need to beat yourself up about it. Be kind to yourself OP, no-one else will be! Be your own best friend.
You've had a lot of good advice, start today and use it. Clear the house one shelf at a time, you'll get there. You absolutely can get out of this.
Your parents left you with a mess. You've tried your best. Time to prioritise yourself now. Put your health first.

Sorry, OP. That’s horrific and it’s sad that not even the knowledge of you going out to have sex with men for money has moved your sister to do something.

It sounds like you’re slowly killing yourself each time you go out escorting.

It’s not quite the same but your sister is using you as well, she just sees you as a cash cow and the one to ensure things remain the exact same for her without any extra effort.

I don’t think your husband popping up when it suits randomly with no explanation is healthy for you at all. You need to cease contact if he’s not willing to talk about what’s going on and if he’s coming back.

Limit any communication to any money/legal stuff you need to talk over. I know you say you still love him but if there is any hope for the two of you, he would act immediately knowing you were shutting the door.

Setting boundaries won’t be the thing that’s the nail in the coffin for your marriage. Realistically you can’t scare your husband away by being “annoying”. Men and women who love and genuinely want to be with each other put up with a lot. If you need to walk on eggshells to get a man who has broken his marriage vows to come back to the marital home, it’s going to end in disaster at some point along the way.

If your husband wants to be with you, he will be with you. This man is stringing you along by the sounds of it and I still do strongly suspect there’s other by women involved. Either way he has treated you very poorly and left you in a bad situation.

I appreciate you love your sister too but in the long term this lifestyle will the be the ruin of you and then you won’t be any help to her either. You need to act now, it’s in her interests too although she won’t see that initially. It’s like the flight safety advice - put your own mask on before you help anyone else.

This… can’t you just do a full time job instead?

This too. If he divorces you he can claim half of your half of the house. Thats how marriage works - all assets are owned 50/50. Doesn’t matter if he’s never even seen the house.

You’re already not coping with the alternative - prostitution. Let her be aggressive and guilt trip. Fuck her… sorry but she’s allowing her sister to prostitute herself because she won’t do something as simple as see a GP.

Get out, move out, work full time, live YOUR life. And if you have to then check on her in a week or so and call social services if she’s not coping, FORCE her to have to engage.

He sounds a bit like my exDP in that he is a mixture of controlling and very kind. This is quite common I believe.

I eventually had a word with my GP. I said to her that his behaviour was affecting my health because he was Jekyll and Hyde so I was constantly on edge. She obviously asked me to give me some examples of his behaviour and said (to my great surprise), "that is domestic abuse and it is not even borderline". She referred me to Women's Aid who agreed with her and gave me a support worker. I then took absolutely ages to take this new reality on board - I wasn't even sure I believed her at first. About 2 years later, I managed to leave him. That was 2.5 years ago. I would say I am just starting to recover. I am much happier.

Prostitution can pay very well. The sister leaves the oven on if left unattended. OP is trying to get the most money for the least hours.

A therapist once said to me, "If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time." It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide. ~ Gabor Mate

Let her be aggressive and guilt trip. And write it down when she does.

And make a plan to leave.

OP I haven't stopped thinking about your situation since I read your original post last night. I think when you contact adult social care again it might help to be clear in your explanations of how your sister needs care and support from you These are the areas they typically look into (normally if a person can't do two or more independently they would qualify for some kind of support)

• managing personal care (hygiene, dressing, toileting) - you said that's not an issue for her but it doesn't have to be nutrition - can she cook for herself? Does she remember to eat? If she was given a choice would she just eat junk or one type of food? What do you do for her food wise?

• making use of their home safely: You've already told us that she has left the oven on before and forgot about it so I think she requires support in this area. Additionally if something broke and required a repair would she be able to arrange it? Would she know what to do if there was a gas leak for example? Is she able to use appliances on her own?
• maintaining a habitable home - You've already advised that she can't do it without your help, won't take bins out, won't clean or look after pets when you're no there so another definite area
• developing relationships - if she was to meet new people would she be able to tell who is safe and who isn't for example?
• work/education/volunteering: I think this is another definite area as it doesn't sound like she would be able to do this independently

-using community facilities: one example you gave here is not being able to use a self checkout, she might become a target if alone in the community

She doesn't need a diagnosis to have an assessment under the Care Act. The Mental Capacity Act also makes it clear that the assessment of capacity must be undertaken for every decision an adult makes. Just because somebody determined before that she had capacity to make a decision does not mean that she has it to make another decision or that she STILL has it as it changes.

You should also advise them that on occasion she can be abusive/aggressive. Carers are protected under adult safeguarding too. You are protected OP, just have to spell it out for them because they am have missed something here. You need support and you deserve support and all your feelings of still loving her and your husband too are valid. My Goodness you've been going through it and I really hope someone clever looks at the details of your circumstances and does what needs to be done to help your family.

Thank you justsomemama.. I’ve been feeling really low today.

i met H earlier and tried to talk to him about the situation. Literally all I said is “please can we talk about our relationship- I need to know things stand with our marriage. Have you left for good? “

He got annoyed and tried to storm off, saying “ffs stop having a go at me this is why I left!”

I said I’m not having a go at you, we are married and I’m trying to work out where I stand / what is happening / what is the future for our relationship.

He then said he didn’t know. And said he would talk about it after Christmas.

Now this is either BS delaying tactics (after Xmas there will be a further kicking the can down the road) - or (more likely ) he just wants a good Christmas and will dump me totally afterwards.

I spend a lot of time simply crying with despair, I have my “normal” job tomorrow and I feel like I just want to drive off into the night to I don’t know where and run away from everything and everyone.. as I just can’t cope. But of course I won’t do that, I’ll tell myself to get a grip, show up to work tomorrow, put on a fake smile and say I’m fine…