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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is happening to my life?

82 replies

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 16:04

Ok not really sure whether to post in health / mental health or relationships, but the main problem is with husband so posting here.

We have had a volatile relationship, since my parents died he became increasingly controlling, but in between it was ok, as long as I “behaved” life was ok.

I realise ok is maybe not good enough, but the background is that I have PTSD, depression and anxiety.. so don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do anything about it, ie leave.

Fast forward a few years and we are living together in a house I inherited but which is jointly owned by myself and my younger sibling who is disabled. I care for sibling, who cannot work or drive but can be left alone safely so I do work part time.

Last month my husband left me following a trivial argument. He is renting a flat about 50 miles away.

i relied on him to pay the bills, and now he’s gone am really struggling.

My sibling will not claim Pip as is in identical about the disability and has capacity. They help with bills by withdrawing from inheritance but has lost money in shares so will only give me a limited amount… can be aggressive and violent so I am reluctant to anger them.

i recently started working as an escort to help pay the bills, but am feeling like I’m an empty shell, as if it’s sucking all the life and soul from me. It does help financially but I feel trapped, desperately unhappy and lonely, as I can’t confide in anyone- my friends and colleagues would be horrified.

To further complicate matters my husband has started contacting me to meet up for coffee / lunch etc but will not allow any conversation other than superficial.

If I ask what his feelings are or what is happening he gets angry and tells me not to start again, and to stop having a go at him.. he says he can’t cope with me. So I shut up, eat the meal and be grateful. He always used to put x at the end of messages but since he moved out he stopped. I asked him why and he ignored the text message. I didn’t want to push it as scared of his reaction.

He is meeting me on Christmas Eve to take me shopping to buy food for Christmas, he is spending the day with me and sibling.

Last week he took me to a local mall to go Christmas shopping, I bought some gifts for my friends and he bought some perfume for his ex wife (?!) - he also got me a bag I saw and said I liked.

He saw a model car he liked (he collects them) so I got it for him.

I am beyond confused at the state of my life and don’t know where to go for answers or what to do. I used mumsnet years ago so thought I’d post asking for any advice or perspective,

OP posts:
Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 20:46

The bills are in my name, they wouldn’t get opened let alone paid if in her name

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 20:48

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 20:46

The bills are in my name, they wouldn’t get opened let alone paid if in her name

Then cancel them and move out, as soon as frozen pipes are no longer a risk.

She has capacity, right? She can sort this out herself.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 20:51

Any one of these men you are prostituting yourself to could be the next Yorkshire Ripper. You've got to keep yourself safe.

Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 20:53

I think it would soon become apparent that the alleged capacity was limited! That’s a very clever suggestion to move out.. I honestly don’t know what would happen if I did that. (Apart from utter chaos, as in no bins emptied or put out, no dishes done, no pets fed, food and detritus left everywhere, utter filth. It’s bad enough when I go away for a few days. I have to put all the wheeled bins out in advance. I once tried putting up notices with dates & reminders which were just ignored. When I gig back she was just sat with a catatonic expression and said “oh I forgot” when I asked why bins hadn’t been put out. I don’t know if she’s lazy, clueless or both.

i expect if I left, I would get manipulated into coming back and sorting it out. She might even try to blackmail me emotionally by threatening to tell people what I’ve been doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 20:54

I know I’m putting myself at risk, but the sad thing is I don’t really care. My life is such a shit show, I almost feel they’d be doing me a favour if they murdered me.

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 21:00

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 20:53

I think it would soon become apparent that the alleged capacity was limited! That’s a very clever suggestion to move out.. I honestly don’t know what would happen if I did that. (Apart from utter chaos, as in no bins emptied or put out, no dishes done, no pets fed, food and detritus left everywhere, utter filth. It’s bad enough when I go away for a few days. I have to put all the wheeled bins out in advance. I once tried putting up notices with dates & reminders which were just ignored. When I gig back she was just sat with a catatonic expression and said “oh I forgot” when I asked why bins hadn’t been put out. I don’t know if she’s lazy, clueless or both.

i expect if I left, I would get manipulated into coming back and sorting it out. She might even try to blackmail me emotionally by threatening to tell people what I’ve been doing.

There are pets? Yours or hers?

Proof that she doesn't have capacity could also work in your favour.

If she tries to blackmail you about the prostitution, you just hit straight back with "only because she won't even pay half the bills unless I beg".

Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:02

Household pets.. mine I guess, well I look after them. They wouldn’t necessarily be able to come with me if I moved out.

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 21:05

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:02

Household pets.. mine I guess, well I look after them. They wouldn’t necessarily be able to come with me if I moved out.

"Mine, I guess". If you don't care about them, rehome them.

TwoTuesday · 21/12/2025 21:07

File for divorce and apply for spousal maintenance/maintenance pending suit? You may not get it but worth a try. Your husband probably is entitled to half your share of the house too, in a divorce? So the house will probably have to be sold, or your sister buys you out if she wants to stay?
It's not reasonable to stay in this situation. Your sister is holding you hostage really. Is that why your H left? Can you live with him in his flat?
Look after yourself and make sure there's no physical reason for the exhaustion apart from the awful stress. Get all the medical help you need. You will get through it.

Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:07

Oh I do care about them, I didn’t mean that I don’t- I was just trying to answer your question about who “owns” them.. I hadn’t really considered the ownership - hence the “I guess”.

They are household pets but they are my responsibility as in if I didn’t look after them they wouldn’t get looked after!

OP posts:
Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:12

I can’t live with my husband, he says he doesn’t want to live with me. That’s why he moved out. It was following a trivial argument over a disagreement about what to do that day.

Divorce hasn’t been discussed, we still meet as friends and talk - but he shuts me down if I try to have the “so what is happening with our relationship” conversation. if we need he will buy me lunch / coffee. He is taking me to buy the groceries for our shared Christmas lunch.

He never intimated sister was the reason for leaving. He says she’s not normal but that’s as far as his interest went, he just kind of accepted she was part of the family unit and they didn’t really have much contact. Sister is very introverted and spends all day in her bedroom watching tv or drawing.

OP posts:
Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:15

I don’t think he would be entitled to half of mine and sister’s house as he has already had half of the proceeds of our former marital home and did not live in the inherited house very long - 6 months.

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 21:27

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:07

Oh I do care about them, I didn’t mean that I don’t- I was just trying to answer your question about who “owns” them.. I hadn’t really considered the ownership - hence the “I guess”.

They are household pets but they are my responsibility as in if I didn’t look after them they wouldn’t get looked after!

CatOfHate is my ride-or-die and I wouldn't leave without taking him with me. Do you feel that way about any of the pets? If not, rehome them.

Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:30

I used to feel that way… but now I worry that I’m in such a deadened / shut down state emotionally that I can no longer really “ feel “ anything.

As I said upthresd, I am just existing.

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 21:34

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:30

I used to feel that way… but now I worry that I’m in such a deadened / shut down state emotionally that I can no longer really “ feel “ anything.

As I said upthresd, I am just existing.

You are suffering from severe depression. Have you told your GP any of this? She might be able to signpost you, at least.

Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:36

I am on a waiting list for counselling

OP posts:
TwoTuesday · 21/12/2025 21:36

It sounds like you may be clinically depressed OP, and no wonder. Are you getting any medical help? You'll be in no fit state to take charge of your life if you're unwell.
You can progress the divorce and financial claim yourself. Your H is being a bit cruel by stringing you along in this fashion. And it's clear your sister cannot carry on expecting you to pay for everything when there is no longer H there to pay the bills.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 21:39

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:36

I am on a waiting list for counselling

You don't need counselling, you need help to escape.

If a husband was treating his wife like your sister is treating you, the entire thread would be unanimous "leave the bastard".

Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:45

I feel as if my sister is like a child, I feel the role is more of a parenting one.

I was brought up with the mindset that she was special and needed extra attention- so I suppose it’s just automatic behaviour on my part which has carried over into adulthood.

So here I am - needing to LTsis and meanwhile I don’t need to LTB as the B has already left me… what an almighty fucked up mess..even without the moonlighting as a prostitute

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2025 21:53

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:45

I feel as if my sister is like a child, I feel the role is more of a parenting one.

I was brought up with the mindset that she was special and needed extra attention- so I suppose it’s just automatic behaviour on my part which has carried over into adulthood.

So here I am - needing to LTsis and meanwhile I don’t need to LTB as the B has already left me… what an almighty fucked up mess..even without the moonlighting as a prostitute

Yup, it's a mess that your parents have put you into. If they really cared for your sister, they'd have arranged adult residential care or a supported living flat or similar for her.

You mustn't destroy yourself trying to fix this. It's OK to walk away.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 21/12/2025 22:28

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 21:45

I feel as if my sister is like a child, I feel the role is more of a parenting one.

I was brought up with the mindset that she was special and needed extra attention- so I suppose it’s just automatic behaviour on my part which has carried over into adulthood.

So here I am - needing to LTsis and meanwhile I don’t need to LTB as the B has already left me… what an almighty fucked up mess..even without the moonlighting as a prostitute

But you’re not her parent. You cannot sacrifice your life for hers. If she needs help then she needs to engage with social services / GP for diagnosis and if she doesn’t need help then she can pay half of the bills.

Original poster
RillHunner · 21/12/2025 22:36

Pigeons, she refuses to engage so I’m stuck - unless I move out as PP have suggested - but I’d still need to find somewhere else to live.

Plus I’d likely have to contend with concentrated emotional blackmail (she’s never had to take any responsibility and would go into utter panic mode) which I worry my mental health wouldn’t cope with. Also she has been violent and aggressive in the past if pushed beyond what she can cope with.

OP posts:
Neodymium · 21/12/2025 22:39

You would need to live out and block her so she can’t contact you.

it doesn’t even sound like she has a disability. If there is no diagnosis or anything then she isn’t. Sounds like she is just been told she’s disabled and used that as an excuse. Your parents did not do her any favours

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/12/2025 22:47

RillHunner · 21/12/2025 22:36

Pigeons, she refuses to engage so I’m stuck - unless I move out as PP have suggested - but I’d still need to find somewhere else to live.

Plus I’d likely have to contend with concentrated emotional blackmail (she’s never had to take any responsibility and would go into utter panic mode) which I worry my mental health wouldn’t cope with. Also she has been violent and aggressive in the past if pushed beyond what she can cope with.

But she’s not your responsibility.

What would happen if you just went? You’ll be trapped like this forever unless something gives.

Tell her you want to sell up.

I think she is disabled. I see bits of my Audhd dd in there. But you have to hold your nerve. She can’t live off you forever.

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