Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

Ha e you home to your GP or tried to see if their is a underlying reason for your low sex drive op ?
You deserve to e it as once a month being the positive active periods ,that's really not a lot .
I really think your partner isn't being unreasonable to feel the way he does as sex is a massive part of showing and recieving affection and intimacy .
He is adult and in all fairness id feel completely unwanted and undesired /loved ify partner only wanted me once a month at best .
Please don't think I'm trying to blame on you or put pressure on you if you don't feel it you don't feel it and if you ha e ruled out any medical or psychological reasons for your low desire then I think it's reasonable for your partner to want and desire relationship with more physical intimacy . It's unfair to both of you to carry on on a relationship where neither of your wants and needs are being met .

First time ever on here I’ve felt sorry for the husband

I’d feel very sad in a relationship like this too. Why do you want to hold on to him, op? Really, why him specifically? I don’t think you really love him, I think you love the idea of being a traditional family and are comfortable with the way things are. Life’s too short, for both of you

I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up.

of course you should book it as he brought it up. Good grief. Why on earth wouldn’t you. Unless you just don’t want to go away with him. If that’s the case and I suspect it is, then end this sham.

You say you don’t want him to break up the marriage. But I’m afraid he is only reacting to your actions. To keep being turned down and then to have you forget his birthday present for 2 years he’s done. I don’t think it’s all him breaking up the marriage.

I think if you love him and want him to be happy you should end the marriage. At least in good terms you can bring up the children as a team. Let you both find partners more suited to each other in terms of not only sex drive but want you want in a relationship.

You have never wanted much sex and now you want none. What's going to change if you start 'dating' again? Which by the way is impossible - you can't approach a 23 year relationship as if you're newly dating again, it doesn't work. You're never going to want to have sex with him so it's kinder to let him go.

Awww let this man find his happiness, OP. You’ve given up on him emotionally as well as physically.

As someone who has been in a similar position to OP because of my mental health, I’ll be honest and admit to finding some of the responses here really triggering. I’m also being reminded how lucky I am that I had (and still have) a partner who saw my value beyond sex and was willing to work with me to get our intimacy back. I was so low that I think if I’d come online for support and been told I was lazy, cruel, that I didn’t love him, deserved to be cheated on, that my partner should leave me or see a sex worker if I didn’t set aside my feelings and just put out I think it would really have broken what was left of me.

OP: maybe you’re not in love with him and you’re stringing him along. Maybe there’s more going on; there was for me. I don’t think any of us know enough about you or your husband to know for sure. But I do think professional help is what you need. If you don’t find a place where you can safely unpack what’s at the root of your own feelings, I don’t see how you can resolve this constructively, whether ‘resolution’ means staying together or parting.

What would going back to the start look like? You’ve had multiple children and years of life together - neither of you are the same person now. What kind of life and marriage do you want first yourself and for him? Is that what he wants for himself?

Can you start now and build better! Possibly but that will take honest acceptance on your part of your lack of care and attention to his needs - and I don’t just mean sex, but that’s part of it. It will take time and active change on your part. Or let him leave and find someone who will show him some love and connection.

Just book it. If you still care that is.

My God this man has the patience of a blessed saint, let the poor sod go and find someone who deserves him. 😳

Set him free to be loved and lusted.

@LatteLady84 "I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up." So what? How many times does he have to remind you for you to actually do it? How would you feel if he'd organised nothing for your 40th and despite you reminding him he still did nothing? Marriage shouldn't be a power struggle OP - just get it booked - and when you tell him you have, apologise again for being so careless.
Regarding the main issue, do you have any intimacy at all in your relationship? Like spontaneous hugs/cuddles/kisses randomly throughout the day? It's always tricky when there's a major mismatch in libido between partners, but there are so many ways you can show him, daily, that you do care about him.
He's been telling you for years that sex and intimacy matter to him. If that isn't what you want at all, fine, but then you'll probably have to accept that you end up going your separate ways. Would you consider going to psycho sexual counselling to see if you can find a compromise you can both live with? This might be worth suggesting to him as a way forward and to show you're listening to him and taking him seriously.

Jesus Christ just let him leave! Why are you trying to hang onto someone who you make so unhappy?

I think best to hide the thread, as this thread isn’t about you and the op hasn’t said more is going on, I hope you find happiness. X

I have read all the posts and no one has said just put out

actually a lot of therapist may advice just doing it as it has built up
to mean such a lot - just to break the ice - obv this is in sex therapy - and then you work on what comes up (no pun intended)

You have a very low sex drive and I wouldn't say his is high, it's just higher than yours. I think it's very difficult in a relationships when sex drives are so different from each other like this as sex is a really important part of a healthy relationship.

It sounds like you find to hard to relax during sex, maybe this is something you could explore in sex therapy/relationship counselling and it would also give him an opportunity to tell you his side of this experience. I imagine he feels deeply rejected and unwanted.

I think sometimes you just have to push past tiredness and business and make time for sex to be honest. I think if you relied completely on natural desire in a long term relationship your sex life would die, which is what has happened here.

Op your relationship is a friendship ,let your husband go and find a fulfilling relationship as this is really unfair .
For context me and my partner have 5 children and one adult child living at home we have sex weekly and we are early 40's .
I think your being really unfair to stay with him and it can't be nice for you to feel like you have to be intimate to work ,,this relationship is dead of a tactic level and from what you'be divulged it's had a weak pulse since day 1 .

I’ve not seen anyone say she should put her feelings aside and put out. She has unilaterally decided that they both will be celibate. She hasn’t taken steps to explore her low sex drive, seek medical help or therapy, she doesn’t recognise that once a month in the honeymoon stage of a relationship is unusual. She don’t even discuss it with him.

Forced celibacy is no basis for a strong marriage, especially when the party won’t even talk about it. That’s not remotely the same as working on intimacy.

Poor guy
It sounds like he has been more than accommodating of your low libido. I can completely understand why he is feeling so hurt, it seems you only go near him when you want a baby. If you genuinely want a marriage with this man I suggest you seek out some relationship counselling, preferably with a therapist specialising in sex. It’s not enough to just say you’ll do something at this stage (when you’ve proven yourself to not follow through on what you say you’ll do), you need to take action. If you don’t want to be on the marriage you need to be honest. A relationship counsellor could also help you both with through the process of separation.

This, definitely. All your posts scream "Me, me, me!".

Sex only once a month was when I knew it was the beginning of the end with my ex-H: it cannot be described as 'passionate ' in any way. It is an integral part of s relationship- whether that's once a day or once a month, both people need to be on board.

And the having kids is hard/ I'm exhausted/ I organise clubs/ have wife work points are not valid at all, many of us do all of this & much more, but still have time for our partners, still like them/ desire them.

You are very much the problem here.

This thread isn't about you or your situation.
who has told her to put out? Has someone actually said he should pay for sex?!

The final straw for me - in your husband's position - would have been the 40th birthday disappointment. ISTR that a woman who posted about something similar - her husband making no effort for a landmark birthday - has been advised to leave him.

I think you both need to have counselling, each on your own first to talk about your feelings and the sex thing, and then have counselling together to discuss it in a safe place with a neutral party. You can't keep getting defensive and shutting him down every time he tries to talk about it. He is not being unreasonable to want it more than once a month, never mind a few times a year.

Of course you shouldn't be pressured into sex that you don't want, but you do need to reach a compromise or the marriage needs to be over.

You have accepted that not booking the birthday trip was very hurtful. He must have felt so unloved and uncared for, to receive absolutely nothing for his 40th , after you promised a trip away.

You need to apologise, accept that it was unforgiveable. Maybe if you can both have counselling and work on that, you can go away for a fancy weekend somewhere together.

I haven't rtft but honestly I can't believe this is even real. Your poor husband. I am shocked he's stayed this long with you. He deserves more.