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Original poster

Husband threatening to leave

626 replies

LatteLady84 · 19/12/2025 16:08

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

OP posts:
strange25 · 19/12/2025 17:07

Also, who cares if he’s on his laptop next to you on the sofa.. jump on him, make his year.. sure he won’t mind 😂

User7854653 · 19/12/2025 17:07

This thread is quite eye-opening because I always assumed people with 3-4 kids must be at it like rabbits. Otherwise how on earth did they find the time to conceive while juggling multiple kids. Didn't realise there are women who are frigid but only happy to have sex to have kids.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 19/12/2025 17:07

LatteLady84 · 19/12/2025 16:08

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

I would have left you a long time ago. Sorry OP.

Bringemout · 19/12/2025 17:07

Honestly we had a very long dry patch and it made me feel really unloved and unwanted. I’m a woman and I actually felt quite depressed about it and started withdrawing from other aspects of our relationship. DH was reasonable enough to listen to my needs and try to meet them. We still have sex sporadically because we are both really busy and knackered but it’s massively improved our relationship.

You sound like he’s very much an afterthought tbh.

I think you should let him go. Theres nothing wrong with having a low sex drive but theres also nothing wrong with still wanting to have physical intimacy with the only person you should be having that kind of intimacy with.

Bikergran · 19/12/2025 17:08

Frankly I'm amazed he's stayed this long. Poor man.

Sexyin2026 · 19/12/2025 17:09

If he doesn't leave now, at the very least I expect he will have an affair....and then possibly leave after that.....and you'll be all "woe is me". This is a car crash waiting to happen. Why on earth don't you want sex at 41? See the GP and grovel to your DH for not taking action sooner and for sacking off his 40th. Personally for me, there would be no coming back from this.

I arranged a huge party for my DH's 40th. Loads of friends and family, in a posh venue, with lovely food and champagne. And for his 50th, I took him to the Caribbean and arranged balloons, cake etc via the hotel.

Loobyloolovesandypandy · 19/12/2025 17:09

Loobyloolovesandypandy · 19/12/2025 17:02

I feel desperately sorry for your DH. It seems like you just can’t be arsed to make the effort for him… on any front. I get you are tired, life does that. But I could not in all conscience treat someone I am supposed to love like that. Either make the effort or let him find someone who will actually love him.

Actually maybe you should be asking on here what is ‘normal’ just so that you can see once a month is not a ‘good’ sex life.
I’m in my 70’s and once a week is regular. Birthdays get the added extras 😜

Alwaystired23 · 19/12/2025 17:10

Relationships aren't easy, at times they do take work. The questions you need to ask are, do you love your husband? Do you want to stay with him and the relationship to work? Do you want him for him, or because its easier and you want your dc to have a dad. Once you figure out what you actually want you need to make a plan on how you can do this, wether it's you splitting up or sorting things out. I understand what its like when children are young, but you and your husband are still people who deserve a life too. If you don't want to have sex, that's fair enough, but if he does then that's fair enough too. If you love him and want to make it work I would be booking the weekend away. Yes, maybe it would look like you're only doing it because he's mentioned it, but at least you're taking on board what he's said.

Iwasneverafan · 19/12/2025 17:10

I admire your honesty OP.
You have let him down in so many ways and by way of the fact that you can list so many details and timelines of what you think may have / may be upsetting him; it is clear that you know the answer to your own questions.
Step up and make a change or let him get on with his life.
I feel quite sorry for him tbh 🥺

CharlieEffie · 19/12/2025 17:10

LatteLady84 · 19/12/2025 16:46

Ok, I understand I am a large part of this and I need to do better. I do get that. Having children is hard, I work 3 days a week and the kids have a lot of sports clubs and stuff that I do all the work for (except my son's football club, where DH is a coach). In the evenings I am just shattered quite honestly and sex doesn't really enter my mind. He often has to get work stuff done in the evenings so is often on his laptop next to me on the sofa and then when its time for bed, I do alone.

What if I said to him we should try again, forget everything that has happened on the past and start like we're first dating again?

I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up.

So you offered to book him a weekend away even though "your rubbish at organising things " (why suggest it than?? Just buy him a present) than you "forgot" and now its "if i book it now its only because he brought it up. You clearly dont care about your husband. Let him leave and be happy

Onthemaintrunkline · 19/12/2025 17:11

I think pride has got in the way…your pride! If you want this marriage to continue, speak to yr husband, I mean really talk to him, barriers down, honestly, and the listen to what he has to say.

From what you say, your husband comes across like a whipped dog, no wonder he is depressed, no wonder he doesn’t come up to bed with you, no wonder there is little communication. Your sex drives are different, that is not uncommon in a relationship, but if there is love there, fondness, respect you find other ways to communicate your feelings.

Stop making busyness with the children an excuse, everyone with children is busy, you simply make time for each other because you want to, if you don’t want to let this man find someone more caring.

Sunflower459 · 19/12/2025 17:11

Limon87 · 19/12/2025 17:04

Honestly OP, it’s not your fault that you’ve a low sex drive and you absolutely shouldn’t be pressured into having sex or feeling that you have to. That being said, it works both ways and your husband shouldn’t feel he has to stay with you and opt for celibacy. I think perhaps you both need to sit down, work out what you and can’t change and go from there: maybe see a counsellor. Good luck!

I agree completely. You need professional advice, OP. Of course that means you need to accept that it might mean the end of your marriage, but marriages do sometimes end and it doesn’t have to be a disaster. At least your husband seems willing to have conversations.

Celestialmoods · 19/12/2025 17:11

I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up.

You would only be booking it because he brought it up, but it’s better to do than to ignore him yet again.

Youll have to fight if you want him because his misery is driving him to seek a huge change, but he’d probably be better off if you are honest and tell him you don’t really want a sex life with him so he should find someone else.

frecklejuice · 19/12/2025 17:12

I wish your dh would post here so we could all tell him to LTB and either be happy on his own or find someone who loves, cares and gives a shit about him.

The poor bloke has been deprived of a loving caring relationship for 20 years.

Do him a favour and let him go.

CamillaMcCauley · 19/12/2025 17:14

LatteLady84 · 19/12/2025 16:46

Ok, I understand I am a large part of this and I need to do better. I do get that. Having children is hard, I work 3 days a week and the kids have a lot of sports clubs and stuff that I do all the work for (except my son's football club, where DH is a coach). In the evenings I am just shattered quite honestly and sex doesn't really enter my mind. He often has to get work stuff done in the evenings so is often on his laptop next to me on the sofa and then when its time for bed, I do alone.

What if I said to him we should try again, forget everything that has happened on the past and start like we're first dating again?

I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up.

Your oldest is nearly 10, your twins must be just about school age. You work part time. I know any number of women with two or three kids and full time jobs and busy schedules who have managed to do something special for their patner’s milestone birthdays. I planned and cooked for a big party AND my kids were both under 3 AND I worked four days a week AND did just about everything for my family as he was a disengaged jerk who didn’t deserve the effort lol

Lack of time is not the reason you didn’t book the holiday. You need to start being real with yourself first about why you’ve been under-contributing to your relationship.

Also, once a month is at the extremely low end for “a good sex life.” If you are going to make your husband feel as loved as he deserves, you’re going to need to make some massive changes (that to be honest I am not sure you are really motivated to make).

TheMorgenmuffel · 19/12/2025 17:16

Seriously? Let's forget everything thats happened and start again?

How's he supposed to forget 20 years of feeling unloved and unwanted and play pretend?

So that you dont have to feel bad?

DaisyChain505 · 19/12/2025 17:17

I really feel for your husband here @LatteLady84 I’m afraid.

If you want this to work you need to be willing to go to counselling and maybe even a sex therapist.

He deserves more in a lot of ways in this relationship and no wonder he’s depressed.

BotterMon · 19/12/2025 17:17

I fear it's too little, too late OP. I really feel for your DH. Put yourself in his shoes and yes having kids is tiring but you only work 3 days a week and don't appear to appreciate your DH as you don't prioritise him. No wonder he's had enough.

Eviebeans · 19/12/2025 17:17

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

are you able to say what it is about him and your relationship that makes you not want to lose him?

bignewprinz · 19/12/2025 17:18

When I was married and fell out of love with my husband (who is an adorable, kind man and a wonderful father), I separated from him and told him to go find someone who could love him as he deserved. He duly did so. I really think you should do the same.

Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 17:18

Op are you gay? Or asexual? It’s worth considering, it’s unfair to have rhis man in a relationship if either are true, and you also deserve happiness.

nonone should be able to count how many times they had sex. And once a month is not good, it’s actually where most people think there is a problem. The fact you can count makes me think you never really wanted to have sex,so it was an effort you made.

if you are gay it is best to tell him and let him move on. It’s time to put him first, don’t try to keep him as you want the money and family

TheMoonIsWensleydale · 19/12/2025 17:19

He’s 42. You haven’t had sex since he was 39.. you said you’d take him away for his 40th and couldn’t be bothered so haven’t?

Im not surprised he wants to get a divorce he’s not a Monk

Gymnopedie · 19/12/2025 17:19

LatteLady84 · 19/12/2025 16:46

Ok, I understand I am a large part of this and I need to do better. I do get that. Having children is hard, I work 3 days a week and the kids have a lot of sports clubs and stuff that I do all the work for (except my son's football club, where DH is a coach). In the evenings I am just shattered quite honestly and sex doesn't really enter my mind. He often has to get work stuff done in the evenings so is often on his laptop next to me on the sofa and then when its time for bed, I do alone.

What if I said to him we should try again, forget everything that has happened on the past and start like we're first dating again?

I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up.

You say you need to do better but it doesn't sound like you do get it. Most of this post is you justifying no sex and no birthday weekend.

You have a lot of work to do to keep your marriage and I'm not at all sure you are willing or able to do it.

TheMoonIsWensleydale · 19/12/2025 17:20

Charlenedickens · 19/12/2025 17:18

Op are you gay? Or asexual? It’s worth considering, it’s unfair to have rhis man in a relationship if either are true, and you also deserve happiness.

nonone should be able to count how many times they had sex. And once a month is not good, it’s actually where most people think there is a problem. The fact you can count makes me think you never really wanted to have sex,so it was an effort you made.

if you are gay it is best to tell him and let him move on. It’s time to put him first, don’t try to keep him as you want the money and family

Ok you put it better than me. Set him free

PeloMom · 19/12/2025 17:21

I’m not going to touch the subject of sex here; overall it sounds like you make no effort for him. And you can’t just forget all these years and start fresh- what’s stopping you to start doing better now? Little gestures to show him you love him (assuming you do)- make him a cup of coffee without him asking (or whatever drink he likes), complimenting him on something. I get it it’s hard with kids, but once in a while you have to prioritize your needs as a couple- get a babysitter once a month or once every 2 months and just go do something fun.
and definitely plan that weekend away!!