Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

What a daft assertion! If you're young, you have a world of fun ahead of you. If you're already past 55, I'm sorry you missed out. Or, of course, you might be a man living in a loony fantasy world where women's sexual prime is entirely dependent on the number of creeps desperate to shag her 😂

FYI, and as PPs have said:

• Increased sexual experience and confidence leads to much better sex;
• Pre-menopausal hormone surges often bring intense sexual desires.

Not for OP, sadly. I wouldn't be recommending her thwarted husband hangs around for another five years in case she suddenly gets a libido.

The language you chose for the thread title says a great deal about you. "Husband threatening to leave". "Threatening" suggests some pretty heavy stuff. It is a loaded and pejorative verb. It makes you a victim. He seems simply to have tried to tell you how he felt. Is that the tone of your marriage?

That is really rubbish, not bothering with his 40th.

I agree with you that specifically talking about wanting sex puts pressure on and is really off putting. I much prefer my partner to just come on to me kissing my neck or pressing up against me in bed and to be confident enough to take the odd polite rejection if I’m not up for it.

To give him more intimacy you can do flirting, cuddles, compliments, tiny actions that show you’re thinking of him day to day like grabbing his favourite snack when out shopping, touching feet in bed, kissing good morning, etc. All these can lead to feeling closer and you feeling more up for sex.

That being said, does he treat you well and make you feel loved? Not just getting the right presents but general love, consideration and respect? My ex was a massive dickhead to me in general and would get upset that I didn’t want to have sex with him. In that case he brought it on himself.

You talk about having sex once a month as regular sex. It's not regular sex. Marriage therapist state sex less than once a month is a sexless marriage. You are forcing your DH to be celibate when he wants sex. You don't even care enough about him to get him a milestone birthday gift. Of course he feels unloved. You seem to want different things he wants a wife who loves him and you want a co-parent and friend. I think he'd be happier if he left you and looked for someone who would love him and want sex with him. You wouldn't feel pressured for sex. You are just incompatible as you seem to want to be celibate.

Honestly I think there must be more to this than a low sex drive. Ultimately what ever that reason is OP needs to stop burying it and get support for it.

Yes and not to mention the poor man trying to instigate some intimacy with his wife about twice a month is him 'trying it on'.

He should leave asap.

he’s wasted some of his best years.

i think it’s selfish not to reach a compromise on regular sex - whether that’s a bit more or a bit less - in a marriage, but twice a month given your ages really isn’t a lot for him to ask!

your posts don’t read as if you do love him. You would be good co-parents, but romantic partners no

everyone with young children is tired. It really isn’t hard to both get an early night once per week, try to get yourself in the mood beforehand.

How did you conveniently manage to have more sex to conceive but not to show you want to be intimate with your husband

you don’t sound like you see your low sex drive as an issue.

why is it an issue to book his late 40th just because it was brought up?! It’s far worse that you STILL haven’t booked it.

all v selfish, poor man!

There's usually a lot of empathy for posters in sexless marriages foe one reason or another. I think the OP has been given a hard time, because she shows no consideration at all for her partner. Her posts just spell out a general neglect of her husband as her life partner, not just as her lover.

This is such a sad thread, this poor man. Seems to be seen as a sperm donor and life facilitator.
would you stay with him if you had to go back to work full time?
It really comes across like you absolutely resent him and barely tolerate him, yet feel that he should be ever so grateful and thankful you’re with him.

It’s been off the table their whole relationship!

he should just move on..!

There's a difference between him initiating and her pulling away, and them both agreeing to not to initiate. It's the latter I'm talking about.

If he's hoping that every cuddle will lead to sex and acts that way, she's not going to initiate cuddles and will pull back when he initiates them. Result: no cuddles, no kisses, none of the loving touch that makes a couple feel mutually valued.

But then what happens when he cuddles her, and it never leads to sex? As historically it seems has been the case in their relationship. Then we're back to her getting what she wants, while he goes without. Why would he bother, at this point?

Every relationship has its 'sex droughts' due to a myriad of factors, and yes, some can last for years and are just part of life's different stages. Partners should be supportive and patient when these things happen.

But if the best that the OP's husband can hope for is that after decades of consistent near-celibacy, maybe eventually she'll cuddle him while he wanks...he's best just walking away. Frankly, he should have left long ago, before they had kids, as it seems they've never been sexually compatible - and that's on him.

This type of post makes me wonder why the hell we don't have a course called Life Lessons in schools. The truth is that sexual compatibility is vital. People with low sex drives shouldn't get married. (Unless to another person who has the same low drive, but how often does that happen?) At its heart, marriage is about sex and men want lots of it. I realised neither of these things when I got married. Yes, it's obviously about other things too, especially for women, but without sex the whole thing eventually falls apart unless you have two asexual people together, which isn't usually the case.

He should never have married OP since he wanted much more sex than she did. And OP should not have married anyone with a higher drive than hers. Marriages like this are doomed to failure.

It's not PC to say so, but women take on a huge sexual burden when they marry. It's quite a lot to be responsible for satisfying a man's sex drive, which can be prodigious. It's a big reason I wouldn't get married again.

Yes, I know this doesn't describe every marriage, but speaking generally, men tend to want it more than women.

These things are some of the truths of life that I do wish we were taught as youngsters.

OP, you are totally incompatible with your husband and are making him miserable and depressed. Please accept that you do not have the capacity to make him happy and let him go. Describing a sex life as good when it's once a month is absolutely risible. I also take issue with your phrase "have him break up the family." You're the one at fault here, not him. He wants a full love life with care and romance as well as sex, and you're the one who has short-changed him for years. You are VERY lucky that he hasn't had an affair or left you, starved of affection as he is.

Can you understand why he feels unloved, uncared for and this has affected him?

can you or do you want to care for this person? Do you want to set aside time for him? Do you want an intimate relationship with someone? 3 years without sex is a sexless marriage

if the boot was on the other foot, I’d be wondering if the marriage was worth saving and asking him what is he staying for

OP your husband must be very depressed and miserable he loves you and has loved you for a long time yet has no intimacy with you. .My first husband never wanted see, and if tried to initiate it would grumpily pull away.
You have no idea OP what this does to your confidence your sense of self when somebody who is supposed to love you behaves like this, believe me it has a profound effect!
You really feel the lowest of the low, I convinced myself that I was deeply unattractive and unlovable it took a long time to recover.
If you want to save your marriage I would suggest you both need some sort of therapy, you for the way you treat him, and him to cope with the way he has been treated!
Poor man.

@LatteLady84 have you ever been to the GP to have your hormone levels checked? You say you fancy your DH and you do enjoy sex with him when it happens, so it may be you have low testosterone - something which can be treated easily and there are a number of companies online that prescribe testosterone creams for women.

I think your DH has to be credited for accepting this for as long as he has and I think if there is something you can do to improve the situation and to demonstrate that you care about his needs and the unhappiness he has expressed to you, then it really is on you to do it.

You are not compatible .

You sound very dismissive.

where do you actually want to take things? You need to take some affirmative action, because burying your head in the sand will not sort this out. You know what the problem is but you're just leaving things as they are in the hope that you don't have to make the decision.

sorry but you’re a shit wife!

Have you considered the fact you may be asexual?
that would explain a LOT and help both of you attempt to work through the intimacy side of things.,

As for NOT getting your husband anything for his 40TH birthday and —not even booking the getaway still a year later—, that is SO SHITTY, UNFAIR AND SELFISH!!
imagine if he had done that to you! Imagine if it were reversed how you would’ve acted and felt.. you’ve gone and done that to him and you’re TRYING to hide behind the excuse of being tired because you HaVe KIdS and work a couple days a week…
Pretttyyyyyy sure your husband has the same kids and likely works a full time job…?

you NEED to do better and start IMMEDIATELY or you’re going to be doing EVERYTHING ALONE!!!!

– ask your husband what he would like, suggestions, outcomes etc.. does he want to/would he go to marriage counselling etc..

Hilarious and very weird that Garlicround keeps putting support flowers on my comments. They must really be triggering 😂Oh go on, please please give me support flowers for this one pretty please! 😅

I can 100% relate to this. With ex-DP I would find myself craving intimate non-sexual contact but trying to avoid it at the same because he took it as a signal that I wanted sex and there would ultimately be a falling out about the ‘misunderstanding’. God it was awful.

Anyway, it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. Time to pull the plug and set each other free.

What are you getting him for his birthday next month?

Are you going to organise his 40th birthday present first?

Sex aside, I would be heartbroken about the failed promise of that 40th birthday present. He must feel so rejected. It has been nearly 2 years!

I really feel for your husband. Without meaning to sound unkind, your post is very 'me me me'. You admit to neglecting him and rejecting him and making him feel unloved for years. You should never sleep with someone if you dont want to. However, being married to someone who rejects him is messing with his mental health and making him depressed and unhealthy. So i think it would be right for him to end the marriage and the kindest thing you could do is to support him in this decision and try to remain friends.

FFS, you're taking support as somehow negative?