Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

It would in the sense that, at best, he'd end up seeing his kids only 50% of the time and at worse he could be looking at being an every-other-weekend dad.

Ugh. I’m rooting for him to leave too. I’ve been on the other side of this and it’s horrible. You stop initiating cuddles because you get tired of feeling rejected. You’ve twisted every single thing around to your advantage. I really hope he leaves and finds someone who values him

But its not just sex is it.
You have treated him like hes nothing for decades and got away with it.
How can you be so cold, a hug is not going to mean sex a kiss or a hand hold, dont mean sex must happen.
Op you come across as long as you are happy who gives a fuck about him.
Hes human not something you can bully, you are being and have been awful and abusive and controlling for decads and hes just had to put up with it.

When we are intimate in a non-sexual way, like cuddling up for a movie, I have always felt like that was where he was heading, like he was trying to set it up to initiate something sexual, rather than actually wanting to spend time with me. Since he stopped trying to initiate things sexually, he has stopped any efforts to have non-sexual intimacy, which backs that up. So I do feel like he's only interested in intimacy if it has a chance of leading to sex and that puts so much pressure on.

The reason he won't make any effort to engage in non-sexual intimacy is because it is actually painful. It's like being on a strict diet and someone puts a big cream cake on the table and says, 'you can slice it up, but not eat any'! When you have been sex deprived by your much-loved partner for years, touching them just reminds you of what you're not getting. It becomes a point of resentment and even underlying competition: you are getting the intimacy you want, but he is not ever getting the intimacy he wants so it's tit for tat. It would be different if you were having regular intimacy, because then there's no underlying tension to hugging, sitting holding hands etc.

Do I think you can salvage it?

Yes and no.

Yes if you are willing to up the level of sexual intimacy and initiate it and make a point of resolving the belated birthday present, as well as scheduling doing nice thoughtful things for him.

No - because I think you won't be able to turn the sex thing around. You just aren't into sex. Now it may be if you broke up and you met someone else, you would find yourself all fired up, but either way you are not going to be able to be keen on sex with your current husband, and once menopause hits it will really be over, believe me.

A lot of this is in your hands. But sadly sometimes, we just cannot rise to the response the occasion warrants because of our own natural limitations. You're not entirely to blame, your husband ought not to have walked into the marriage with expectations of receiving much if any sex, since you had shown you don't care for it, and since you haven't changed, you've been consistent in not wanting it, the responsibility is on him to either work with you on a solution, or call it quits. Hard with kids.

I feel sorry for you both, it's sad for marriages to end for this reason.

Edit for clarity

Poor bloke.

Nearly 400 repiles and only 4 from op.
And only to them that agree with her.

Please do one thing for this man and let him go and find somebody who will truly love him and value him! You actions come across as extremely selfish and honestly your lack of self awareness is shocking! Please let this poor man go and be happy and with somebody who cares for him

"Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. "

Where you've written WE could enjoy, I fear you're not reflecting his view of things.

I do genuinely feel sorry this man. Your relationship is not giving him what he needs. I n ow your sex drive is low but so is his confidence and moral. If he means anything to you then please do the decent thing and comfort him, if you can’t engage with him physically then let him go. He need more than what you can offer him. Good luck to you both.

The OP identifies that her husband is depressed; but is she depressed herself? She seems to have no positive wishes, except for things not to change.

Written things sometimes come across as harsh or without feeling. Perhaps it is just that. However, you had man that by your own admission has only cried a few times. He must have been pretty low to do this. He opened up to you. Probably not easy for a man. Sounds like you were pretty cold towards him. It sounds like you are not really bothered how he feels. Only that he may not stay. I would feel upset if a total stranger said they felt this way.

Taking the sex away for the equation, do you make him feel valued? Sounds like perhaps you don’t. You have only put a small emphasis on the birthday. I don’t think you appreciate how hurt he is about this. I have poor organisational skills sometimes but I put the effect into birthdays etc. Also it doesn’t have to be big things. Sometimes I am out shopping I see a favourite food item or a small item. Kids are important but so is husband. Are you too tired or forget things for the kids?

I think you need to be honest. Work out what you want and see if compatible. You make out he is breaking up the family. It seems you do not appreciate your part in it. Are you in love with him or do you love him as say a brother. If you want to work on things so he is happier that’s great. If is because you don’t want him leave it won’t work. You need to be able to talk about sex. It is unfair to keep shutting him down. No one is saying you should be forced into unwanted sex.

I wish you'd be honest with yourself about why you want him to stay, because it's not for love.
The lack of sex is bad enough, but the lack of general consideration is truly awful. If he posted I would offer a LTB.
You sound so utterly lazy in the relationship aspect of your marriage.

A marriage only works if both parties make an effort and OP it really does not sound like you are making much of one.

when you said But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family. Are you also happy to have a depressed and unhappy husband as that is what will break up your family right now. You do seem quite content with having a platonic relationship with your husband but even seem to struggle to achieve that. Forgetting to organise his birthday weekend is pretty off and he has sat on this and let it stew. It just shows that maybe you do not care, or are prepared to work on your marriage and just rely on the longevity of the relationship to carry you through. It won't.

He won't be breaking up the family, it is you and your lack of input and effort into your marriage.

I'm finding this thread really sad because I can see how this will likely pan out. OP has stopped engaging with this thread as she doesn't like what she's hearing (from women, and unanimously). She has too much to lose (stability, income, lifestyle, upheaval for the kids), so she will do just enough to keep this poor bloke hanging on, and he will likely spend many more years in emotional churn with crumbs of sexual/emotional intimacy being reluctantly thrown his way, and getting deeper and deeper into depression, poor fellow.... I hope I'm proven wrong, and he makes a break for it.

OP you aren’t coming across very well at all in your posts. I get that your sex drives are mis matched but everything here you blame him for.

you say hugs make you feel pressured but then when he stops you say it’s proof that he was badgering you for sex.

He clearly tells you that he is upset that you didn’t do anything for his birthday to make his feelings known and then you justify not doing anything now because he asked for it. Before he asked you still didn’t and weren’t planning on doing anything. So basically he can’t win.

You have mismatched sex drives and you don’t even talk about it with him or seek support. I also find it weird that you increased frequency when engaged and then stopped again. Sounds a lot like a bait and switch.

You say you have a good time when he supports your life with the kids on shared days out but don’t actually say anything nice about him at all.

You come across here massively defensive and justify a lot of crappy stuff here. I don’t think you want to save this marriage because it would involve you turning towards your husband and tuning in and it sounds like you have been avoiding that for your whole relationship.

You sound very self absorbed and emotionally immature, and I'm not even talking about the bedroom situation. How on earth is 'I'm rubbish at organising things' an excuse to treat someone poorly?

The lack of birthday present is bad, but he shouldn't have got married to someone with a low sex drive if it bothered him, seeing as she was the same when younger.

20+ years is a long time to feel undesired. And id feel exactly as he does.
Hopefully he realises his worth, moves on and can find someone who loves and appreciates him.

I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up.
ok then, you just keep being a shit partner instead?? You’d be booking something special because you care about him, and he told you it matters. He’s told you what matters to him and you’re like I could, I get that was poor of me, but I’d be only doing it because he talked about it. Maybe you should just let him go, if the ‘I do love him’ bit was true. But that’s pretty hard to believe. ‘I do love him and I see he was really hurt by his40th but I just can’t bring myself to make the tiniest bit of effort’
frankly, if I enjoyed sex once we got going, and loved my husband, I’d try harder to have it more frequently. You’re just shutting this man down.

@LatteLady84 I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if this has been said. But your sex drive is extremely low. Have you had your hormones tested? Maybe you’re low on testosterone and having some gel would help. You say you love your husband, but actually you’re not doing anything to help your marriage, it’s all on your terms

The reason he won't make any effort to engage in non-sexual intimacy is because it is actually painful. It's like being on a strict diet and someone puts a big cream cake on the table and says, 'you can slice it up, but not eat any'! When you have been sex deprived by your much-loved partner for years, touching them just reminds you of what you're not getting.

This makes a lot of sense. Another possibility is that he’s stopped engaging in non-sexual intimacy because OP always interpreted it as him “trying to set it up to initiate something sexual”. If that’s not what he was doing, OP was shutting down sexual advances he wasn’t even making and that can be a bizarrely painful experience. I’ve been on the receiving end of it - I knew he wasn’t interested in sex but I still wanted to be close to him, and as I didn’t want him to feel pressured I was very careful not to do anything he might think was an attempt to initiate. Despite that, he consistently thought I was trying to steer things towards sex, so would turn me down immediately - cutting the cuddles short and making it clear he wasn’t in the mood. It felt strangely embarrassing, and after this had been happening for a while I realised being rejected when I wasn’t trying anything (I’d given up on that months before) felt worse than when he’d turned down actual advances. I didn’t want to keep putting myself through it, so I stopped trying to be affectionate as well.

Why don't you want to make him happy with a lovely 40th birthday? You don't seem to care about him or his happiness very much. Maybe you're particularly self focused? I think anybody would be unhappy in his situation. He does sound like a good man and he's been trying to talk to you for so long, but you've shut him down.

I'm not sure that's fair OR true, every couple has their normal and I certainly wasn't having sex every day when I got engaged.

But once a month at the "honeymoon" stage is certainly low, very low.

What have you done to seek help for your libido, OP?

@LatteLady84 I haven’t RTFT, only your comments. While I am more team husband, I actually have sympathy for you as you feel pressure for your expectations. You haven’t said, but you might very much benefit from therapy where you can discuss these expectations in a place together. He may not know that you feel this way. I really hope you manage to find a way forward

We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense

Unless there's some missing context here, I also sympathise with your husband, reading this. I hope he finds happiness.