Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

You’re trying to blame him, that’s whay you’re trying to do. You don’t like the answers so keep drip feeding in to see if you can change it to make it his fault.

I have to be honest, based on what you’ve said it feels like you were happy to have sex when you decided you wanted another baby, but now it isn’t something you want to do, and your husband is just supposed to suck it up and accept you have a low sex drive.
I have 2 children and I understand it can be difficult to get the time to relax and enjoy each other, but I feel like you are just being unkind to your DH.
If this was a man, everyone would be saying he is cheating. And for you to leave him. And how dare he “forget” to book your weekend away for such a big birthday, shows how much he doesn’t care about you etc.
You might love him, but it doesn’t feel like you are in love with him. It feels like you’re leading him along because it’s easy and you won’t have to find somebody else to explain your low sex drive to.
I think he probably is depressed and I can understand it completely. Of course he has stopped cuddling with you, what’s the point? He is just going to be rebuffed and you think every time he does something nice it’s to initiate something sexual. But where are you in initiating non-sexual intimacy because you have made it seem like it is your husband that always does this, not you. It’s like Pavlos’s dogs. If he gets the same outcome each time “no thank you” why keep trying? Im
sure you’ve taught you children to not do certain things because the answer is no or it could hurt them. That’s what you have taught your husband with your actions.
What you haven’t said is when was the last time you actually made an effort for him? Because it wasn’t for his birthday. It wasn’t when he cried in front of you.
Instead you’ve come on here to, it appears, get some sympathy for how hard done you are because your husband actually wants to have sex with you. Honestly I think you would be better to separate and let him find somebody who is going to give him love, affection and sex without being accused of “trying to initiate something sexual” .

I think that would be a disaster. Chances are he'd find himself falling in love with someone.

Sex isn't the only issue is the OP's marriage, it's also her lack of care or affection for her husband. If he finds a physical connection, he could easily imagine (or even truly find) am emotional one elsewhere.

Is this a wind up? This is not about the birthday!

Its a very RARE thing to see on mumsnet, a thread where women are sticking up for a man.

Yikes - I think you need to re read your post, he’s almost a pen friend.
I’m saying this gently ….. you need to make a real and concerted effort to improve your relationship. The other half in a relationship you’ve described would feel unwanted, unloved and most likely frustrated.
It should never have got to this state of affairs. Perhaps counselling would help? I don’t know I don’t really have experience of this - I’ve been with my husband since 16 and we’ve been together donkeys years - we’ve always made an effort with each other, had date nights, weekends away etc etc - we’ve got two grown up children and both worked full time, long hours in professional careers ……what I’m trying to say is that with effort a relationship can be good.
Get a grip - of your husband too!

Do you really think a good, regular sex life is once a month?! I'm surprised you managed to have dc at all tbh.

Of course you shouldn't have sex you don't want, but I don't think you can reasonably expect your husband to stay married to you if he wants more. You are simply not compatible. You want different things.

I'd be destroyed if my husband hadn't wanted to have sex with me for three years. We have four dc and if we go a week or two without, we both think that's a long gap. I guess the thing is, we are both on the same page about it.

I think you have both slipped into thinking this is all normal because you have only ever been with each other. It actually sounds quite... empty.

I think it would be helpful if you were more open to communication. To allow him to tell you how he feels without feeling like he’s wrong. You can listen but it’s important to hear what you’re telling each other, without interrupting each other. It doesn’t make you right and him wrong or vice versa. See a marriage counsellor and work out together if this is something you can both work on or choose to separate. You have to show up and you have to do the work, relationships need nurturing, intimacy sexual and non sexual and feeling heard seen and valued by both of you is important.

Put aside your defensiveness if you don’t your marriage sadly won’t survive.

He's not "threatening to leave" is he? He's made a cry for help. You do like to twist his words, don't you?

Instead of you rectifying the 40th birthday issue, you said sorry and continued to do nothing. You shrug off his cuddles by thinking he's doing it only as a prelude to sex. You think sex once a month is great going, hot and heavy.

Please don't be surprised when he tells you he's met someone else who treats him with the respect he deserves. In fact I'm rooting for him that he does.

I’ve not read all the comments OP but you need to see a sex therapist, possibly alone and with your husband. I used to feel pressure like my DH always wanted intimacy to lead to sex. Therapy helped us understand each other and work together on intimacy to both be happier. (It doesn’t mean you have to have sex when you don’t want to.) As long as you both want to work to improve things it’s definitely possible.

And read ‘Come As You Are’ by Emily Nagoski. It was an education!

Also book the damn weekend away! It doesn’t matter that you’re only doing it because he brought it up. It’s still a gesture to show you care and something to look forward to as a couple.

💯

That would not be a disaster for the husband though…

You've totally taken him for granted and neglected him emotionally for years and now he's checking out and you're panicking. If he's generous enough to reconsider you need to do a lot of work. If you're not prepared to do this you need to let the poor bloke go

Your treatment of him on his 40th was really shitty

You are so lucky to have a tender hearted man who is willing to open up to you and discuss things.I don't know how he has held out so long while feeling unloved. I do feel empathy for you but why would you not seek medical help to see if your low sex drive could be helped? Like what others are posting, there's no excuse for not making him feel special on his birthday.How many women would adore a man like him?

Hi @LatteLady84
for various reasons my ex husband wasn't able/ didn't want to have sex with me for 4 years when we were married.
i felt terrible. Neglected. Hurt. Abandoned.
I left him eventually. It totally affected my self esteem and confidence.

You need to let him go so he can find happiness. Or you need to change yourself and have sex therapy so you can make him happier . Marriage isn't friendship. It's a marriage because you have a level of intimacy with that person you don't have with others. I actually feel a bit annoyed with you reading this. It's not like you are physically unable to have sex, you're choosing not to do something with him and it's actually really affecting him. I know how he feels and it's the most awful feeling.

Oh shut up ! 3 kids , 3 days a week work blah blah , you've made zero effort in your marriage and no hunny once a month is not a regular sex life its shit ! You either need to put in some real effort now or let him go and find someone who does actually care for him

OP - I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions about whether you actually love your husband.

I'm not commenting on the sexual aspect - as that's been covered amply by PP. But one thing that jumped out to me, is that you justified not sorting out his birthday present, as you are crap at organising things.

Do you forget to organise your children's activities? Taking and picking them up from their hobbies, play dates and parties? Do you struggle to remember to organise their birthday and Christmas presents?

I bet the answer to all of the above is that you don't struggle one bit - and you remember all of your children's bits and bobs. So the question you need to ask yourself here, is why are you able to remember to organise their birthdays, but not your husband's 40th? Could it be that the real reason is that you procrastinate, because you know deep down in your heart of hearts, that you aren't really in love with your husband?

But I suspect that you will have zero appetite for confronting that possibility, because it means divorce. Upsetting your home, financial implications including you probably having to return to full time work, splitting residency and access to your children...

So it's easier not to acknowledge the likely root cause, and instead blame it on being tired and forgetful. That way you can avoid facing up to the fact that you knowingly used him to get what you wanted - which was another pregnancy. And now you're trying to frantically think of a way to keep him where you want him - funding the household, enabling you to work part time, and quietly accepting that this is his lot.

If you were a bloke writing this you'd have your arse handed to you.

I think he's been incredibly patient, rejected multiple times, and you don't seem to care for him at all.

I think op has slipped into the trap of THINKING his and will just put up with it , obviously his out urst has been a sick to the system but one less self a sorbed partner should have noticed .

CyanMaker · Today 21:03
You are so lucky to have a tender hearted man who is willing to open up to you and discuss things. I don't know how he has held out so long while feeling unloved. I do feel empathy for you but why would you not seek medical help to see if your low sex drive could be helped? Like what others are posting, there's no excuse for not making him feel special on his birthday. How many women would adore a man like him?

<THIS...

If you were married in a church service, OP, what did you take as the meaning of that wonderful phrase- "with my body I thee worship"?
One of the most beautiful and meaningful sentences of the wedding service.

Honestly, let him go, you’re not compatible and he is suffering so much.

You don’t want the relationship he wants, you’ve not in well over a year even bothered to buy his birthday present, because you forgot? Did the intervening birthday not remind you?

You apologised? Past tense? And that's it, job done?😲

If you do want to save your marriage you need to get on it straight away and get that holiday booked.

I recently went on a date with a man, who gave me, what I thought was a sob story about how his ex only had sex with him to concieve their 2 kids. Once she was pregnant sex stopped, completely.
He said he left 2.5 years after the youngest was born, having not had sex for nearly 3 years.
Would you know I completely thought he was spinning a yarn, and didn't fancy seeing him again, being an obvious bullshitter.
Reading this however makes me wonder. Poor bloke.

"As I discuss here, most women don’t have frequent strong sexual desire within long-term monogamy. However, this in no way means they cannot have wonderful and fulfilling sex lives. For women, sexual desire is responsive. This means that they need to start engaging in physical and sexual touch in order to feel turned on."

That's a tricky one when you combine that with the very common thread on mumsnet that many women end up feeling pawed at if their partner starts engaging in physical/sexual touch when they're not in the mood. If we take as given that the average woman's sexual desire is responsive to touch rather than proactive, how is the man supposed to recognise when such touch is going to turn out to be appreciated and as a initiator of sexual desire rather than being seen as an annoyance and a prelude to the expectation of sex when she's just not that into it at that moment?

A lot of men are not making it up tbh.

Ive met a few and like you, i thought yeah right okay.
But i have met a few men that were being honest about it, over the years you can pick them out.