Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

This

Is this a reverse? If not, you are being so unreasonable.
Once a month in good times 😂 - what?!
And you’ve been awful with his birthday. Poor bloke.0

Also op I would hate to feel like I was forcing myself on someone who wast fully compliant . How will he ever be able to relax or share his desires and needs with you if in the back of his mind he's wondering where your potential new found libido has come from .
You're not compatible ,,,you've been each others one and only and rather than explore and learn together and mature together you havent really hit out the starting blocks . You describe a teenage relationship that has never evolved .
You are like 2 kids playing house and your relationships is a habit ,,who knows what passions might awaken within yourself with new relationships and experiences
I think you fear change and your husband might just be a little bit excited by the prospect of it .
You seem a bit emotionally immature and naive

The articles you linked are good, @DivorcedAndDelighted. I'm instantly put off by talk of "love languages" as in the one you quoted, though the underlying point still holds. I was happy to see the one about "responsive desire" as it's a large part of the answer to those saying no woman should just put out. I found out early on that I usually want sex once I've started. I'm also not afraid to change my mind if it isn't working for me, which is a necessary component of this process!

The article begins:

"As I discuss here, most women don’t have frequent strong sexual desire within long-term monogamy. However, this in no way means they cannot have wonderful and fulfilling sex lives. For women, sexual desire is responsive. This means that they need to start engaging in physical and sexual touch in order to feel turned on. This is the opposite of most men, especially younger ones, and also the opposite of what women may have felt before monogamy, when they felt physiologically turned on PRIOR to sex.

"For women who are no longer in the honeymoon stage, physical arousal requires foreplay and the evidence of the man’s increasing desire for her over time. Long foreplay sessions are often required for the woman to enjoy sex, especially if she is Highly Sensitive. Foreplay should not be only focused on the woman, by the way. If she isn’t turned on prior to the encounter, which we’ve established she will almost never be, then it can be uncomfortable for her to be stroked and touched on her erogenous zones. (Note: This is why boob grabbing never goes well. When women are not already aroused, grabbing her breasts out of nowhere triggers pain and a fight or flight response. So many women think they don’t get turned on by their breasts being touched because their only experience of this is when their breasts are touched TOO EARLY in an encounter or out of nowhere.)

"Foreplay that is focused on the man, where the woman is stroking and touching the man and seeing him get excited, can be one way to ease into foreplay in general. This is why I recommend much longer encounters overall. The following formula is a way to take responsive desire into account and enjoy sex a lot even if you were experiencing zero desire prior to the encounter:"

She then explains how to do foreplay, which I found a bit odd, but it's there if anyone finds it helpful. The main point is that putting out can also mean participating. I'm all for the cup of tea metaphor regarding consent ... it's also possible to not have been wanting a cuppa, accept it anyway, and then find on taking the first few sips that you do want it after all!

Several PPs have talked about the importance of small intimacies during the daily course of life - a hand-hold, a quick kiss, a casual chat, a little favour - which build the extended sense of connection as a couple.

https://www.drpsychmom.com/responsive-desire-in-women-if-youre-never-in-the-mood-thats-normal/

I know what you mean about a low sex drive as I felt that way after having a child. I think it was my birth control that was affecting my sex drive ..maybe check that out . I can understand why he feels unloved , I would suggest regular 1:1 time together even if that's a film /takeaway /posh ready meal type situation. Book weekend away and babysitters asap , use amazon prime for a present (you can get them to wrap it even or boy wrapping paper on there) ...set reminders in phone to buy birthday presents /do tasks . Try magnesium supplements for relaxing...you can get them in poundland . Or if u cannot manage weekend away go for a meal out or something/book a hotel for one night locally that is easy to get back from so its cheap & easy to get back from in case of am issue wuth the kids ...I dunno...just ideas...
Ideas for presents ...alcohol /gift hamper done from cheapish places of snacks and treats/toiletries /movie night hamper ....clothes /voucher or how about a wowcher voucher for a gift experience for afternoon tea locally or groupon or something like that ?
If you haven't got a printer send him the email...
Um
..
Those are my suggestions. Good luck 👍.

Do you think that maybe even subconsciously, you didn’t book the weekend break away in order to avoid having to have sex with him whilst away? It’s not as though you could have claimed tiredness then?

I don’t think tiredness is a good enough excuse unless you’re having 2 hour long sessions bouncing off the walls.

But in all honesty, sometimes you do need to say yes to sex when all you want to do is go to sleep. For you as well as him. You know you enjoy it when you can be bothered, you love him, want to feel connected to him, and want to keep your marriage. So why not go for it sometimes even if you don’t feel like it? You’ll get into it.

I think you have enough time under your belt now to know that even with effort, you're mismatched in your sex drives. Your preference is really to have no sex, but still have intimacy such as cuddling etc… your husband wants both and possibly finds intimacy like cuddling, hard as it probably triggers a longing for something more, he knows that's not going to happen, so he withdraws.

Your biggest error here has been how you dealt with him stopping initiating or bringing it up. You felt relief and used it as an opportunity to enjoy the relationship on your terms. You missed the alarm bells that should have sounded. As uncomfortable as it makes you, when he was trying to talk he was trying to find a way forward. When he stopped talking, it was because he’d simply given up. You're finding out about this now and so it seems Like a shock, but he’s been ‘quiet quitting’ for 3 years, so it's actually been a long time coming.

I think you should consider maybe moving the relationship from romantic to friendship/co-parents. You are essentially that anyway, it's sex and intimacy that set a romantic relationship apart from just a friendship. If you end on good terms and treat each other kindly, you can still enjoy family time and raise your children.

Poor bloke wouldnt last 10 seconds given the rations hes had 😱

I haven't read the whole thread because I was stunned at how lacking in love and consideration this woman is. A sexless marriage is a non-starter, as far as I'm concerned. Especially at their age. What a wonderful part of life she is missing out on, and even more to the point, she is depriving her DH of. Let him go and find the love and closeness and passion he craves.

sounds like you have it all your way and he just gets breadcrumbs. You’ve only apologised about his bday 2 years on because you’ve finally been called out on it and have realised your marriage is at risk. Bet he’s also the main earner and paying all the bills too

You ‘messed up’? But you apologised?
You more than messed up, you just didn’t bother. And you’ve not had sex for 3 years? So since his late 30’s? Poor bloke …. No wonder he feels unloved and uncared for. You’re lucky he hasn’t already walked … he must really love you and the kids. You really need to make an effort or else he’s quite entitled to walk.

Why don't you like sex? Is he crap in bed?

I think you still need to book a hotel break. It seems strange not to book it because he’s pointed it out. Once you book it it will be something to look forward to.

Like others say, you can try even if you’re not immediately in the mood. Sometimes just kissing and being in bed together can start something.

Maybe look at sex toys etc online if you want to make things more interesting.

OP, I'm not sure if this helps at all. Me and my husband didn't have sex for about 2 years (I was going through therapy so possibly not a similar situation).

Is it penetrative sex that you dislike or all contact? With an ex I felt like my body was the only part of me that anyone wanted but my self esteem was so low that I couldn't see why anyone would want any other part of me. How do you feel about yourself?

When I felt ready, me and my husband agreed that we would have sexual contact but not sex. I 100% trusted him not to ask me once we were in bed so I didn't have to worry about the pressure. We knew how far things would go before hand and we were making progress together as a couple.

In the beginning l always initiated it to feel in control but I made a conscious effort to try and initiate it semi regularly because I know it's important for him and us. Eventually we started having sex again and we are up to weekly most weeks now and have a much stronger relationship.

I don't know if this helps at all. It doesn't sound like he is threatening you, just explaining what he needs but perhaps there is a dynamic in your relationship that you might have not shared?

Not desiring sex doesn't make you a bad person. Expecting/hoping your husband will accept it, and adapt/adhere to it, is the unreasonable aspect.
He's been open and honest with you, but you seem entirely focused on your own feelings. What you're doing is very unfair, the time to separate is long overdue.

This but I do think your relationship can be saved. Please reflect OP, he sounds like a decent man.
I totally appreciate that you are exhausted with caring for children and that leaves little time for sex.
But you have to make time and get help with improving your sexual drive.
Perhaps an informal schedule where you can share a bottle of wine and a taw.
Please let your husband know that you want to make it work and appreciate him.
Slow steps, please take care

Haven't rtft but I think that this whole issue of 'feeling pressured' because your romantic partner wants to talk about your sex life is unreasonable.

You can be friends or you can be in a sexual relationship - your husband is absolutely entitled to want a partner to have sex with and who wants to have sex with him.

I do think it's very unfair when I read that one partner just says 'no I don't want it'

I would be absolutely devastated if my husband just stopped wanting to sleep with me and wouldn't talk about it - and then said he felt pressured if I tried to bring it up.

I think you have to be realistic about this and let him go if you don't want anything of that nature.

It's all about perspective and everyone's relationships are different.
Some couples may consider sex once a month to be good, others 2-3 times a week or anywhere in between

You’re not compatible. He has a higher sex drive and is clearly missing that side of the relationship. A lot of blokes would have gone looking for it elsewhere by now I’m afraid.

Not booking his birthday thing was pretty crap.
I feel sorry for him tbh.

also OP re. not enjoying cuddles etc because it might turn into sex - can you seee that from his pOV? he isn't allowed to want that ? So anytime he hugs you, cuddles he feels you tense, anxious it might mean he wants more.

I would feel very unhappy if my partner was resentful and annoyed that I wanted sex

It isn't as simple as it proves he was single minded because the affection has dried up - he could as easily say he could never enjoy it because you were tensing, worried it would become something else.

What that sounds like is a situation where you are not being honest with each other - and he feels judged for the most basic desire - to have sex with his wife.

sounds like you could do with some therapy together - it's a lot of pressure if you have been together so long and since you were so young.

In the kindest way possible, the level of incompatibility here and the length of time this has been going on for suggests that this marriage isn't salvageable. I was once in the DH's position. I am now in my early 50s with a lovely DP - sex and intimacy is a key part of our relationship - and he wonders how on earth I survived twenty years in a relationship without it. I survived because like with OP's DH it was a relationship that started when I was young, I had no other benchmark, and I schooled myself into accepting rejection. But it made me deeply unhappy, my weight/confidence and self-esteem yo-yo-ed. Until I left that marriage, and was in a relationship with my DP - with both of us placing equal importance on intimacy and making an effort with it - I didn't realize just how huge a bond it can be, and source of contentment and happiness.

I hope both of you find your happiness - OP, I'm sure you will also eventually be happier without feeling pressured to perform, or feeling like you are letting your DH down. Let him go and find someone compatible. Don't string him on. I'm sure you will both be solid co-parents and if you both move on, the kids will have a chance to see what happy loving relationships between adults look like.

I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway

That was really shitty. You are full of excuses too. Sorry, but there's no excuse for that. It shows you don't care about him enough to pull yourself together and make an effort to either buy him a present or arrange the weekend away. "Slipped your mind" ? No wonder he's had enough.

If you want to try to save the marriage you should try therapy together.
But it sounds like you aren't sexually compatible and there's no solution to that.

Well thats okay then, you apologised 🙄

Poor guy. Living a celibate life with a wife who doesn't want to sleep with him, didn't give a shit enough to make any effort at all for his 40th when he went to an effort for yours, and you haven't even been bothered to book the break away that you promised him. FFS!

If this were reversed and the man did this you would be crucified.

Get your act together and make some bloody effort.

OP your posts are coming across as very defensive. There’s a lot of “Yes, but”. There is nothing defensible in your situation. It’s fine to have a low sex drive, but it really sounds like you want all the benefits of having a loving husband without any sacrifice on your part. You didn’t even sort out his 40th birthday present! You won’t even TALK about the sexual issues which obviously are really affecting him. He’s gained weight, he’s crying, this is obviously really hurting him. What on earth are you playing at?! Do better.

You know how to deal with the incompatibility of your sex drives - go to counselling.

If you’re worried any physical intimacy is designed to lead somewhere, talk about it with him so you are both on the same page. Don’t just reject him day after day. It’s probable that he doesn’t intend for it to lead anywhere, but he’s thrilled if it does. There is nothing wrong with that! It sounds like a lot of the pressure you are feeling is coming from you.

You know how to make him feel loved - book his bloody birthday trip. Of course you’re booking it because he has brought it up! What’s worse - he brings it up as something that’s hurt him and you do something about it, or he brings it up as something that’s hurt him and you do bugger all…?

It is outrageous that you have said “him breaking up the family”. If he leaves it is not him breaking up the family, it’s you.

I am being really direct here because you are going to lose the man you love and at the moment you don’t seem to understand that you are able to fight for your marriage!