Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

Why should he ?
You bring nothing to the table and ae.to want it all on your terms .
FFS he's your husband you probably make him feel like a pervert for hoping for any sexual contact when you have a cuddle ,,,he's a grown arse man op who's married he's not expecting anything unusual or unreasonable,esp since you say you actually enjoy it on the rare times you indulge .
Im not saying habe sex with him if you dont want to but allow him to leave and be honest that you can't give him.wjat he wants .

She's mentioned she's not booked it because it now feels forced and she'd only be doing it because he mentioned it.

Bearing in mind the poor guy actually cried about it and said it was the one thing that made him question if she even liked him.
Not their sex life, but a birthday present she had discussed ahead of time and just didn't bother getting him.
He seems almost resigned to the lack of sex...
So he's basically put on weight, is sad depressed, feels utterly unloved and doesn't know if he can carry on, and her response is to get defensive, rather than trying to arrange a lovely belated birthday present.
He needs to walk away. This is not a marriage. He obviously has this hurt he's finally expressed and there is no empathy back from her. She literally said she's anxious and defensive, and blamed him on potentially breaking up the family.

I agree that there could be something more complex going on on the sex/intimacy front, but the thoughtlessness over the birthday and the shutting down of conversations about intimacy, relief at three years of celibacy, suggests that there is a level of self-absorption and lack of care here towards her DH that is the real root of the problem, not the lack of libido.

Sorry @LatteLady84 but if this was me I think I’d leave you too.

I completely empathise with your DH and to be honest it’s a testament to his loyalty he’s not gone out and had an affair because whilst it’s not right a lot of people in that situation would have started looking elsewhere for affection.

I think you could have addressed this a lot earlier in your relationship and you definitely need couples counselling and some therapy to get to the root of this issue. If sex is just completely off the cards for you then the kindest thing would be to seperate, perhaps for a trial period and see how things work out.

it’s disappointing though how you seem to be focussing on what he’s doing wrong and not thinking about how you are contributing to that

I'm sorry OP, he's lasted longer than I would have. I think I'd feel used for babies tbh.

You probably should let him go and focus on parenting your kids. He needs to be able to find someone who wants him completely and you deserve to have the life you want without pressures in the bedroom.

This article is SO relevant, I'm going to copy a good chunk of it here:

... The woman (or the lower libido partner, which is more often the woman in a long term monogamous heterosexual pairing) often feels one of the following ways about her husband’s physical touch love language:

(1) Physical touch, especially sex, is like the “bells and whistles” on top of a relationship. It is not necessary, but is a nice add on.

(2) Physical touch, especially sex, should never be something you try to get in the mood for. That is icky and smacks of nonconsent. It should arise organically.

(3) Physical touch outside of sex is nothing that anyone “needs.” Sexual release itself may be a need for a man; therefore, any sex that is provided, even unenthusiastic duty sex, can meet this need.

It is interesting to think about how this would look if it were the woman’s verbal affirmation love language being discussed. What if the husband said:

“Saying nice things is the bells and whistles on top of the relationship. She shouldn’t need it. If I’m not in the mood to be nice, it is gross for me to try to make myself say nice things. She shouldn’t want me to force it. If anything, I can say, ‘You look nice today’ in a flat, dull monotone with no eye contact and this can meet her need for verbal affirmation.”

Within the context of our feelings- and verbal-focused culture, which manifests nowhere as much as it does in couples therapy (which is why guys often hate couples counseling), the partner whose love language is physical touch is set up to fail. It is somehow thought of as more real, genuine, or good for partners to bond via talking or spending time together than for them to bond via physical closeness. This is completely false and puts the partner whose love language is physical touch in a one-down position in the relationship, where they are made to feel that their needs are less real than the other partner’s, or that the other partner’s needs should be met before theirs are even considered.

Imagine a parent saying, “My child loves to hug me, but I prefer talking. Therefore, I routinely deny, minimize, and even mock her need for hugs and initiate long conversations about how she feels about me, her, and our relationship as mother and daughter. If she talks for long enough, I will give her a quick hug at night, although sometimes I tell her that her hug quota for the week is already met.” This would be considered sadistic and emotionally abusive. Yet, the child in this scenario and the partner with the unmet physical touch need likely feel very similarly. (Incidentally, there is no utility in saying, “Well, a child shouldn’t go without touch but an adult can.” There is not too much difference emotionally between adults who are vulnerable in an intimate relationship and children who are vulnerable with their parents. ...
I am not saying that women should force themselves to have sex despite feeling visceral disgust or revulsion. If you have to force yourself past a point of disgust to have sex, you should immediately head into counseling to figure out if your relationship can be saved. If you feel this way, it is likely due to a lot of bitterness, unrepaired empathic ruptures, and anger. However, I am saying that physical touch is no different from any other love language within the context of a relationship. Often, when the partner without a physical touch love language has the epiphany that the other partner feels they NEED touch to feel loved, the same way as they themselves NEED nice comments or time together to feel loved, they can finally empathize with and deeply understand their partner. This lays the groundwork for growth together as a couple, and the possibility of both partners finally being able to meet one another’s deepest needs.

https://www.drpsychmom.com/when-women-consider-physical-touch-to-be-a-less-real-or-important-love-language/

And what about his 40th birthday? That you "haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind" - for TWO YEARS?

Tell me - did you forget to get your children's birthday presents during this two years? Or did you remember them?

I totally get the pressure to have sex is a complete turn off and any physical contact like cuddling puts you on edge if you feel like it is just an attempt to initiate sex. My sex drive disappeared for a long time after dc1 and I felt the same. What worked for us is an agreement that sex was completely off the cards but we would try to reconnect physically e.g massage, kissing in bed just in underwear things like that. But with the agreement that there would no sex. We did that for a few months and things blossomed again at a pace I felt comfortable with

And watching TV in bed a cuddling without him expecting or wanting anything is fine and perfectly reasonably 80 percent of the time but it's vibe and take and your all take from what I'm reading ,,,ha w you even attempt to see anything could help your feelings and libido increase or have you just though fuck him (obv not literally) I'm ok he will have e to lump it .

To save your marriage, you do need to sit down and have a proper, honest conversation with your husband. It's not any wonder the poor man feels neglected, unloved and unwanted. By the sounds of it, you've never had a particularly high sex drive - with having young children and at some point entering into perimenopause, that is likely to become even worse. You need to make a GP appointment, and see if there's a hormonal reason why your sex drive is so low. In your 20's/30's it shouldn't be virtually non-existent. I do understand that you felt under pressure from your husband, but those times he's wanted to discuss the lack of sex, you could have told him how he made you feel. Instead you have closed down any attempt by him to discuss issues with you. Couples counselling, I think would be a very good idea. Relationships take effort, and you haven't made enough in yours. It's led to your husband thinking you don't even like him, let alone love him. Yes, having young children is hard work, I think every woman on MN who's had children understands that. However, if you don't water your relationship, it will die, and along with it, so will your family unit. As for the birthday present, that was awful of you, something that you recognise. Again, talk to your husband, ask him if he still would like you to book a weekend away. If he's still willing to go, then you need to take action and book it!! Actions speak louder than words.

If a woman came on here and said her DH had not done anything for a 40th birthday people would be saying LTB.

You’re focusing on sex as the reason he’s unhappy, but he told you what’s upsetting him quite clearly: ”he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him.” This issue is much bigger than your sex life, and he even gave an example that demonstrated this when he “referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend”, and explained that “basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.”

Your low sex drive feels like a smokescreen, something you expect women on here to be sympathetic about, but it really doesn’t seem to be the only, or main, issue in your relationship. If you were booking a weekend away as a celebration of his 40th birthday you should have researched it (if not actually booked it) before you offered it as a gift. The fact that you didn’t, and that it sounds like you offered this after you forgot to even buy him a present is already bad enough. That you still haven’t bothered booking it two years later is incredibly hurtful, and shows just how little effort you’re making for him.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage.
I’m not surprised. You need to book the weekend away, show your DH you care about him, make sure he feels loved, and get some help to at least talk about sex.
You enjoy it when it happens but seem to feel a disproportionate amount of pressure from a man who has only ever tried to initiate twice a month at most, and has now stopped even trying. As that feeling of pressure kills your libido, it might be worth investigating this to see if it’s something you can work on so you’re both happier.
But it’s not all about sex. He needs to feel loved, and your behaviour is showing him that he’s not.

Suggesting that “we should try again, forget everything that has happened on the past and start like we're first dating again” brushes years of him feeling like this under the carpet. You have hurt him, and if you have any hope of saving the marriage you need to acknowledge this.

You can be an amicable divorced family. He wants and deserves more than you can offer him. I would have felt rejected had my DH had this low a sex drive, going through my youth, heading to middle age.

Let him go and be good friends and parents

You sound fundamentally incompatible and I’m amazed the relationship has lasted this long. Many people would be unhappy to be essentially celibate at 40. You shouldn’t have sex that you dont want no question, but unless you seek to address or investigate the lack of intimacy/your low libido your marriage is probably over.

You don't get it OP.

Behaviour, any behaviour is a language and carries message. It is not about weekend away, lack of present but he does not feel loved or cared for. As simple as that. If communication would better he would ask as a joke 'when are we going?'. The fact that he did not mention, he bottled everything inside and took him emotional breakdown to reveal tells a lot.

Have a look at couple's therapy?

Make consistent effort to spend time together e.g. lunch or breakfast together? Walk holding hands? I'd does not need to be anything extraordinary but consistent.

Sex is a bioproduct of closeness, don't force yourself but you may just even be next to each other hugging in bed, just to get the sense of intimacy without any expectations of anything else happening. Just make effort

Harsh, but really true.

I know what it's like to have young children, be shattered & not really want sex very much. It turns out that I was married to a good man who really didn't push my buttons. We've co-parented for 17 years & he's an excellent dad & person, but only upon meeting, falling in love with & living with DP 15 years ago did I REALLY get it. At 54 sex is a crucial part of our relationship & still very regular. In fact, imposed no sex for 4 weeks recently (he had a minor operation) was pretty awful for both of us- we didn't feel so connected at all.

Honestly, you've got some talking to do, including with a therapist if you want to even begin to fix this.

I'm glad it's not just me .
It's the selfishness of not wanting to be intimate but also just expecting husband to accept it at 40 after 20 odd years 😱.
This is a long term issue and no attempts have been made to improve things ,,like GP visits councilling sex therapist ,date nights etc.plus op you can have e sex anytime of the day yano not just night time 🤷

You both have very different needs in your sexual life so I would say that it might be better for you to part. You refer constantly to him as " trying it on". Let him go and find someone who wants to have sex with him more than once a month or so.

I’m a bit shocked that even in the “honeymoon” phase you think that a good sex life was once or twice a month. And you’re complacent about sex once or twice a year.

No wonder your DH is saying he can’t continue.

Then his GP will put him on antidepressants and he won’t want sex anymore either. Problem solved.
l’m sorry OP but that really sounds bad. Once a month was never a particularly healthy sex life either.
The kindest thing you could do would be to let him go and find someone who really wants to be with him. Not doing anything for his 40tg sounds really uncaring too.
My DH and I have been at various sizes, drives and mental health ups and downs over the years, but have always had time for a shag once a week or more if we can - it doesn’t need to be a full on bells and whistles one, but it’s what makes the difference between a marriage and a housemate situation.

Be honest with yourself and him. You don't really love him do you? You're not in love with him? And I'm not saying that purely due to the intimacy issues and I get kids can put those things aside too but if you want to then you make time, effort - for yourself and your husband and you as a couple. You've not done that and worn the poor man down.

so make it right asap
book a weekend away, ignite your sex life or you will end up losing him

and id walk away too!!

Do you love him? Are you in love with him? Do you fancy him? What you describe you like about him or your life sounds very platonic.

You forgot to get your husband a present for his 40th because you didn't care to prioritise him on a key occasion. You don't want an intimate relationship with him but then surprised he wants to leave. I am not sure what you are wanting from this post but marriages take effort, compromise and sometimes hard work. You don't seem up for that.

You say you wouldn't want to 'have him break up the family', but I'm afraid it's you breaking up the family with your utter contempt for him. Also think about the example you're setting your children, of both sexes, about what you're teaching them to expect from a romantic relationship