Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up.

Well yes, but you would also be booking it because you promised to do so. Why not arrange something special and make it clear to him that it is because you want to show how much you love him and how committed you are to making him happy.

I've been the husband in this situation. It is utterly miserable. I know the guy loved me and liked my company, but I could never feel close to him as he worked long hours and was always too tired for sex. He didn't have a high sex drive.

I'd tell him what I'd like for my birthday and he would seem like he was going to plan something... Then nothing. Because he had work/other stuff on his mind. It makes you feel absolutely worthless and even knowing they do love you, they do take care of you, without that closeness and thought going into it, it makes you feel more like odd friends than a couple. I often wished to meet someone and have an affair (never would) but just felt desperate to feel seen and wanted.

It's good he's talking to you about it instead of making any hasty decisions. This isn't a negative point aimed at you OP, but I fully sympathise with him.

Also I have to say, I know having kids is tiring but you work 3 days a week. There are people who have work more than this, with kids, and still make time for sex.

I’m getting reverse vibes from this post.

He will still make nice gestures, but they're not intimate things. It's like organising a dinner with my friends, it was nice, but then we had a 1 hr drive home and I didn't want sex, not that he asked for it anyway.

But when he tries to do intimate things you reject him… also he organises a nice dinner with your friends but you can’t even bothered to organise anything for his birthday.

Can you really not see why this relationship is no longer working for him?

I read your latest post, @LatteLady84, and understand you were both inexperienced at 19. I'm not sure you understand that, at 19, most people are extremely keen for sex - even if they don't see each other as forever partners, as you didn't, they're excited by the discovery and exploration of their sexual selves and others'.

Did you just drift into marriage, without much desire or intent? Was there parental pressure? Did you get pregnant too early? I hope you're beginning to see that your story is in no way typical of a young couple's marriage. It's not even typical of a young marriage slowly breaking down: you've been almost deliberately killing it since it began.

It sounds rather as if you're driven to exert power over your husband. You determine your meagre sex life, you accept his big-birthday gift but respond with an empty promise, you go to bed while he stays on the sofa. Now you want to make him stay in this bleak situation. What do you actually offer? And why the hell do you want him to continue putting up with this shit?? Someone to be friendly with in social situations is a pathetically weak benefit. My ex and I despised each other, yet were social dynamite together. It means very little.

While I don't think you can or should try and make him stay, I'm curious. Were you raised with an idea that men are rapacious and must be subdued? If not, have you ever wanted sex - for its own sake, alone or with someone? Are you able to describe how it feels to receive love and care without feeling a desire to reciprocate?

OP, you're a walking Mrs Excuse and I find this insufferable. You're justifying selfish and shitty behaviours all the time. The reality is you know he's been unhappy, who would be happy in a near-celibate marriage at your age? You watch him getting depressed and have no courage to actually discuss the fact you're completely incompatible. Let this man go, it is normal he wants a healthy and fulfilling relationship and you just don't care about sex. I find this very odd and something that I personally would want to seek professional support with. But if it turns out that's just the way you are then you can't selfishly hold on to that man. Honestly, you constantly say how tired you are but that's not an excuse at all. Many of us have children and juggle jobs you know, but not booking a 40th birthday present for 2 years (!!!) is frankly selfish again and I'd be so annoyed with you. Unless there's a huge backstory here, your husband is a saint. You also need to check your B12 and iron - I mean this seriously, it isn't normal to be this tired and forgetful not to book a milestone birthday trip for your own husband for years. You're a complete minimiser, none of these issues can or should be brushed under the carpet so you can have your fresh start. Honestly. I'm actually stunned with your arrogance.

I can understand why he feels the way he does. You are happy to not have sex, or very rarely, and he is not. No you don’t need to have sex you don’t want, but you do need to realise that when one partner is not happy with little or no sex then it does lead to low self esteem and often the end of the relationship. It sounds like its more a platonic relationship which he is not happy with. Maybe time to end the marriage and let him find someone that does desire him.

I know someone in a very similar situation and I think the crux of the situation is that she's never truly fallen in love with him. She's always liked him, cared about him, and loved him in her own way. But there's never been that fire of really being in love. Basically, she settled rather than being on her own and has been in denial ever since.

I quite often tell women on here that the men in their lives are shit husbands/partners but I have never thought the same about a woman until now.

Quite frankly you are a shit wife. I cannot believe you did nothing for your DH's special birthday after he did such a lovely thing for yours.

This is about more than lack of sex. It is now nearly 2 years later and and you still haven't done anything about the weekend away. No wonder your poor DH feels unwanted and unloved. No wonder he's thinking about splitting up. What is there for him to stay for?

Being no good at organising is no excuse. You put reminders on your phone, write notes to put on your desk, whatever.

In fact, to put it bluntly, if you really want to hang on to your marriage, you need to wake up, get your fucking arse into gear right now and arrange something spectacular to show your husband you love him. And keep on showing him you love him.

Although quite honestly, I think your DH can do better than you. I think he deserves better too.

I’m a woman and I think poor poor man. He deserves to be out of that marriage a long long time ago.

Hopefully he comes to his senses and divorces you in the new year and finds someone who truly loves him.

Don’t try and make it about your low sex drive, it was his 40th birthday and you couldn’t even be bothered to get him a card or present or remember it. Especially when he made a giant fuss over your birthday.

You’re not even a friend to him. No wonder he’s depressed. Honestly, he should have been having affairs left, right, and centre for decades.

what men have to put up with, honestly!

If I was him I would want to leave too.

Poor man, if I was him I would leave too, you have completely side lined him and expect him to just roll along with you. Have you even asked him what he needs from you or in general? you are hopelessly failing to be anything like a loving partner to him, step up or let him go Op

I think that too. It sounds like they just become an item but there was no fire or passion from her.

OP have you ever, like most of us women here, been so horny for your DH you wanted to rip his clothes off and fuck his brains out? Have you? If not, you've never ever been in love with him. Because that is what most engaged couples want to do. Rip their other half's clothes off and fuck like crazy (and I do mean, at the very least once a day - more like 3 times). It sounds like you don't have any sex drive or craving for him sexually and never did.

Could you explore the lack of sex drive? Perhaps with a relationship counsellor etc? Or is just something you flat out don’t want? If so then that is absolutely your right, no one should have sex they don’t want. But 41 is very, very young to expect anyone to accept a celibate marriage when it’s not what they want. So while you’ve got every right to not want sex, he also has every right to recognise he’s still a young man and leave to find a relationship that better meets his needs.

my eyeballs near popped out of my head when I read “we had sex really regularly once or twice a month” to be honest.

this is so unfair on your husband. I don’t blame him for leaving and he’s done well to leave it this long. That’s not to say you should feel pressured to have sex. You’re just not compatible.

fwiw these are the frequencies I was having sex with my ex, until I realised in my 30s I’m actually a lesbian. Food for thought.

I can see exactly why he’s stopped even initiating cuddles because for him he feels so rejected. If he starts to feel a bit stimulated by cuddles he knows full well he will he turned down and made feel worse. Cripes me and my husband and we’re mid 40s still make time once a week! Sometimes I feel frustrated if he’s not in the mood and we’ve had conversations around how it feels more that I pick the wrong moment and he doesn’t ever and the times I pick the wrong moment for a couple who have a decent sex life, I feel embarrassed, rejected and less likely to initiate. No wonder he feels the way he does when he’s been rejected for 3 years! I’ve got 2 kids ok not 3 but it’s no excuse to completely reject, only have intimacy in your terms which to you is just a cuddle, and even to forget his 40th!
Fair play for him actually giving you the chance to work together in this rather than just heading for the hills, despite you completely taking him for granted.

I think ( imo) your selfish & self centered

you couldn’t even be bothered to follow through on your birthday present to him
that’s basically sums you up

you have what you want kids a nice home part time work all enabled because of your husband

what’s your husband got - a wife who can’t be bothered to even sort out a 40th birthday gift and clearly doesn’t want sex with him

I hope your DH leaves you and finds someone who can really appreciate him
because you clearly don’t but some other lucky lady will appreciate him

and when your single on your own trying to date you will realise what an absolute diamond you had

Is she avoiding the weekend away because (presumably) he will be 'expecting' sex?

Surely if he was that bothered about a weekend away he could have taken control and booked it himself?

Op you do seem to have very different experiences of sex in a relationship, you both need to sit and think about what you need/want.

Is he helpful - does he pull his weight around the house etc?

Oh and sexless marriage is defined as less than 12 times a year
so yours is well dead and buried

Sorry OP but I really feel for your Husband here. Have you done anything about your sex drive, seen the GP, tried to improve it? You talk a lot about feeling pressured but say he was only initiating twice a month? That doesn’t sound like a sex pest at all. No wonder he feels completely unloved. It’s obvious completely up to you if you want sex or not and if you don’t that’s fine but you can’t expect your husband to live a celibate life at 41. It sounds like he’s already been extremely patient for 23 years. The present thing is shocking.

Bluntly, he should leave.
But based on the information we have it would be you, OP, that’s damaged the relationship and whilst it certainly takes two to make a marriage it seems to me that he’s done very little wrong.

Mismatched sex drives will always lead to problems, I have a naturally low one as well and my DH a higher one but I think that’s only part of your problem.
It sounds like you haven’t been making any effort to even show you care, the birthday trip is a pretty big thing to slip your mind.
I’ve started to make sure when my DH gets in from work I give him a quick hug and ask about his day, whilst dealing with the chaos of tea, homework etc
In the mornings because we don’t often end up in the same room at night due to children playing musical beds a quick kiss and asking how he’s slept whilst doing breakfasts getting ready for work is all we have time for but those little bits of affection are precious.
The more you avoid physical affection the more you aren’t going to be in the mood. At least that’s what I’ve found in my case, so after realising that I make a concerted effort not to leap into bed but to give a hug, hand squeeze whilst out and about, a kiss in passing which then makes it easier to fall into the rhythm of being more intimate.
My DH felt similarly rejected and unloved, it was only when he was crying after particularly rocky year that I realised how thoughtless I had been. I felt awful because I had been so wrapped up in what I wanted/didn’t want I forgot about him along the way.

It’s was supposed to be a birthday present, why should he have to organise it himself?

As for trying to insinuate that the OP’s lack if interest or care for her husband is because he doesn’t help out enough at home - she works part time, and never said he doesn’t pull his weight.