Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

We're all knackered OP. That's life.

It doesn't take much energy to give your DH and cuddle and tell him you love him, if you really do. That would mean so much to him I bet.

Therapy for you around your sex issues will be important moving forwards if you want to stay together.

Organise a treat for his birthday - it's not difficult.

If you were a man, MN would be telling your partner to LTB.

@LatteLady84could you be asexual?

No offense but what you’re describing is really unreasonably low sex frequency. It’s surprising he’s taken this long to threaten to leave. Why don’t you just drink wine and go for it?

Do you think you could try sex counselling? To be honest, what you are describing is the sex life of people in their 70s. Even in the 40s it's on average per norm 2 to 3 times per week. I feel heartbroken for you and your DH how little you have it. Women are in their sexual prime in their 30s and 40s. You're basically a woman in your 70s. Men do need sex. And at your age you should still be going at it like rabbits. And honey what you are saying is just not going to satisfy 99% of men. Can you go to the Dr and ask what can boost your libido and you both see a sex therapist? Otherwise you will lose him. Sorry but you will. Or he'll have an affair. As a woman almost 50, I would walk if my husband wanted it that little. I would, I would walk out on the marriage.

And it sounds like he puts a lot of effort in especially for your 40th. You have been neglecting your DH and your marriage. You didn't even get anything for his birthday? I would want to spoil my DH and take pride in giving him what I can. It seems like you don't even love him at all or like him. I feel so sorry for him, he does deserve a lot, lot better than this. He is depressed because he feels unloved. Not just sex (although that is major part of any marriage) but you didn't even care enough for his birthday? He is going to walk and you will lose your marriage and family. Please, please do something right now or you will lose him and everything. You are so lucky to have him! Don't let him go! Act now.

Anyone seen the pattern here op only replies to whom pittys her, them on her side.

You didn’t mess up. You couldn’t be bothered, for over a year. That would say all I would need to know about our relationship, along with not wanting sex.

I’m surprised he’s stuck with you for so long tbh. He deserves someone who will love him and display that love for him.

Do you truly love him op? Or did you just settle for him because at the time it was easy and convenient?

Nobody is ‘rubbish’ at booking things. You either chose to or not. Websites these days make things simple. Check dates your normal babysitter can do then book.

There’s an awful lots of I and the children not much about him poor soul.

Let him go and rebuild a life. The both of you.

Sex aside, do you do any nice things for him? Just for him. If so, what are they?

OP it’s not just a sex issue is it though.

You are forgetting to buy a present for a big birthday.

If someone cares about you then they’d want to show it and the simplest thing they can do is make an effort for your birthday - which you didn’t do.

You don’t even have the excuse that you work full time.

I’m guessing that you don’t forget to buy your kids a present for their birthdays.

I am pleasantly surprised to read the sympathy for your husband. Usually its a rain fire of "noone should force you to have sex", and whilst noone should force you, you know your husband is deeply unhappy and is willing to leave the marriage.

The birthday part, wow but youve owned it so no point banging on about it. The one thing you can be doing though is getting yourself to the doctors or even a 2 second Google shows non medical gummies that you could at least try before going down a treatment route.

https://www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/novomins-libido-60-gummies-6100003971?skuid=068889&utm_campaign=shopping&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22495717150&gclid=Cj0KCQiAjJTKBhCjARIsAIMC448b4guJb4HuO8HxGdoF6bzSJVawGhVp9mJLnR8lRNKKSTm7JcUqcmAaAkCCEALw_wcB

Poor bastard.

wont have sex. Wont talk about not having sex. Won’t be romantic. Won’t make effort.

set the man free. You are not being a good or kind partner at all

Unless the biggest drip feed on earth is coming, the more you post the more I’m cheering on this bloke’s escape like someone who’s been wrongfully imprisoned and is digging their way out with a spoon.

And as to your last update, of course he’s stopped being cuddly now it’s clear you’re never going to resolve this. Personally I wouldn’t be able to bear being physically close to you, someone who clearly found me sexually repulsive, never addressed the soul crushing neglect of that birthday, and only wanted to use me like a teddy bear now I’ve served my time as a sperm donor.

The frustrating bit about this is you don’t seem to see that sex and sexual intimacy is spending time with you. Also, if all you want to do is cuddle up on the sofa one night, you can just say that? Sometimes I say to my DH that I want to cuddle, and that’s all we do. But sex is also a priority and part of a fulfilling relationship, whereas you seem to think it doesn’t really count.

Me too…..

If I was him I would leave - what a miserable life he is living.

I don’t want to pile on here but it doesn’t sound at all like you love this man as your partner. Not wanting sex in one thing but not engaging in discussions and stonewalling feel cruel. It feels like you’re only worried now because he might leave, not because you’re concerned that he’s struggling. I think you should let him go and find someone who actually wants him.

Just re-read your op. This stuck out:

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month

You were engaged, and, it was once a month? Really? That's ok for people in their 60s. But normally when you're engaged you can't keep your hands off each other and want it 3 times a day. Once a month? When you are engaged? That is not what anyone would call 'regular' for an engaged couple. A couple who have been married 30 years, yeah. But that is not 'regular' in any normal engaged person's life. That is very rare sex. I really want this to be a prank or you winding us up. I have never, in my entire life, heard of an engaged couple doing it less than at the very least once a day. That is just not normal.

Somebody wanting to leave a relationship where they have been sexually rejected FOR YEARS, that doesn’t somehow make them a bad person.
I’m glad that you found someone who was willing to stick with you through your issues, but many people wouldn’t have.
And that doesn’t make them bad, or wrong - it just means the relationship is no longer working for them.

The OP’s husband is not the problem here.

This. You needed to apologise and alongside the apology present a planned trip away including tickets, ready booked!!
Sorry OP but you sound quite selfish.. The sex thing aside (and you clearly have really a very low sex drive, to have not had sex in 3 years really isn't normal in a healthy marriage unless that is what both partners want and have agreed to) the birthday present thing is just so shitty?!

If you read my post I’m referring to it as an approach inside of a relationship therapy - both parties would be consenting

there is some benefit when it’s built up in your head

there is an example on “couples therapy” on iPlayer - the couple had built it up so much and added loads of meaning and they just needed to “do it”
so they could discover what was going on and get information to work on in therapy

or have him break up our family.

But it wouldn't be him breaking up the family. It's you and the fact you don't show him any love or care which you have acknowledged now. He deserves better and you deserve the sex you want.

Have you thought about therapy to see why you can't relax around sex?

"sex feels like it has expectations and pressure"

What expectations does sex have? What is the pressure from sex?

Removing intercourse from the equation- do you not like being skin to skin close with your husband? No expectations of PIV sex but just being close.

Im gonna say it.

I hope he cheats and has a good time doing it.
Or finds someone that loves him and is not sick off him, and shows that he is wanted and needed.
Someone that will talk and not shut him down, hold hands snuggle hugs and kissies.

Having been at the other end of this i.e. as the woman in a relationship with a man who did not want sex (ever), it is hard to initiate anything intimate when you know that the only thing that evening/date can lead to is rejection. It is hugely one-sided. Basically, I'm around to give you what you need, but you cannot give me what I need. So, the only control/self respect one has is from withdrawing even that little bit of intimacy. It is not a good dynamic but it is also natural and understandable. I'm sorry, your responses, which are still all about you and what you need and feel, are just lodging me (and others here) even more firmly in Team DH. Your protestations that you love him don't ring true, given how little you seem to care about tending to his emotional (and intimacy) needs.

But OP you make clear from the way you speak that you think whenever he initiated intimacy that he was looking for sex never intimacy for its own sake. You also stated when he initiated anything you felt pressured.
Now you are using the fact you repeatedly rejected him for years to say "look i was right, you only sought intimacy in the expectation it would lead to sex".
Now you didn't intend this but think how you would feel to be rejected like that for over 20 years & then your significant birthday basically forgotten.
Yes we all get tired (i was widowed when my youngest was 10) but if you want to save your marriage then you need to work at it - Good luck