Ok..I seriously need some advice about my 26 year marriage

[Semihiker]

Hi I'll nutshell this as best I can. Please ignore grammar and spelling mistakes.
In 2000 we got together. It started rough, she hated my dog and put her name on household supplies because I wasn't working (I had just returned from truck driver training after 6 months and I was burned out) and she thought that I might be a slacker (even though she knew me for 4 years and I always had 2 jobs, did triathlon and owned my own home).
We moved in together, she threw out all my music cds from a female signer (she said I was obsessed because I had a poster of the girl, a gift from a friend of mine, I'm hard to gift to and it was just a gift).
I ignored those red flags and powered forward because she has many good traits as well. Fast forward to 2006 and we have been in a relationship with no intimacy (sex less than 5 times a year) I ignore this because again we took on huge projects and she still has many good traits.
In 2007 she finally told me that we don't have sex because she "enjoyed denying me". Now we are in deep, financially deep and we have 30 rescue animals that rely on me for support (at this time she has not had a job for 5 years). 2009 she decides that children are on the menu and she allows sex on an ovulation schedule only. Now I am highly stressed, over the road trucking and I have gain 70lbs. She uses my weight gain as an excuse for not having sex (even though I was fit from 2000 to 2008, and she was denying then) Now it's time for baby #2 in 2015 and the same ovulation schedule. From 2006 to today we have had sex less than 20 times. This is also a girl who claimed to never say "no to sex" before she met me. I can confirm from information from her sisters that she in fact was part of several sexual gymnastics with groups of strangers (men only) and that her relationship prior to me was sex up to 5 times a day with him. A guy who "massaged " himself to porn daily, that she caught in a 25 cent booth doing it because she outlawed porn in their apartment and he would take pictures of young girls (think Girls gone Wild stuff).
So here we are 26 years later. 2 kids I'm down to 25 lbs from my triathlon weight, and she said to me 3 weeks ago that she's tired of waiting for me to lose the weight and she has decided to never touch me again until I reach my %100 weight loss. When she saw how fast I have been losing the weight (keto vegan diet) then she decided for me that it was me along who didn't want intimacy because my circumcision left the first 1.5 " of my junk numb (the rest feels fine and I still get healthy erections daily).
I'm 50's looking good feeling good, and I have to decide on what to do. Leave her and the kids (she let's me do nothing to act as a father, her own relationship with her dad was bad she basically calls men sperm donors and that a father offered nothing more) mind you I'd be leaving her with a paid off half million $ property and all I want is my converted schoolie full of tools so I can go volunteer at emergency animal shelters until I drop dead.
When she pulled away from me 3 weeks ago, I went through hell and a week later I noticed that for the first time since the day I met her almost 30 years ago, that she no longer had the "pull" over me, it's like I feel reborn and she has no control over me (I might even get another motorcycle...which is forbidden by her).
Now I see that she is panicking and making promises because she feels me slipping away. The thing is that I've seen and heard all of this before. Her big thing now is that it was my weight all along, yet she refuses to admit that her "denying " me comment 20 years ago had anything to do with how I feel now. She's says it's the past, but it sure feels current to me.
Any opinions are greatly appreciated.

She's very flawed and has made your life hell. Please get away from her and start living your life with the freedom to be yourself.

May I ask why you had children with her?

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation.

Men suffer from domestic abuse too.

There are many men's charities out there. Please get in touch with them.

I think you stayed in the abusive relationship way too long, it's time to leave

I always thought that things would get better and her good traits overcame my problems. Mostly I thought she would come around and now I realized that I've been wrong and she has a gift for turning it back around on me and making me feel guilty. After her latest "test" (that's what she's calling it) I found that her "power " over me has diminished.

I'm sorry Pinkyredrose I don't know how to respond directly to your question. I can barely operate technology that isn't old school points and condenser

@pinkyredrosejust asked if you had children with her.
I’m not reading your whole post but just a couple paragraphs in I’d just say get her out asap. She’s poison.

I only asked why you had kids with her, you don't need to be tech savvy to answer that.

Pinkyredrose
I just don't know how to directly answer you question to you like I see you cut and paste from my comment.

@Semihiker press the quote button

Okay, thank you, I'll get there eventually, I still don't know where my archived emails go when my finger swipes them accidentally 🤔

Honestly, I don't think you are taking a huge amount of accountability. You are 26 years in. In that time you've made so many choices including the choice to stay. A lot of your OP is about sex or lack of sex. It's sounds like you've never actually been sexually compatible. What exactly have you done to improve or work on the relationship?

You need to find a good counsellor and find out why you ignored so many red flags in the beginning, and then continued to ignore even more red flags. In the process of finding out why you might get better answers on what to do now, and how to achieve the future you really want.

It's fine to ditch your partner but any parent who ditches their children, even adult children, during that process isn't a good person. You brought them into the world and should have guided and taught them throughout their childhood. How they turn out is a reflection on you as well.

You might be right. She claims for the last 17 years that it's because of my 70 lb weight gain. The problem with that is that I have tried everything short of medication to lose the weight including calorie restrictions and exercise. I had some success over the years but nothing like the last 3 months where I've taken off more than double of what I ever did before. In short, I didn't just accept the weight gain and until 3 months ago when I stumbled on the insulin problem, now I'm doing great.
Pair that with the fact that she hasn't had a job on over 20 years and I make it possible for her to be a stay at home mom, also do anything she asks or wants including giving her a break when I'm home from work by taking over all household chores. So if I come off as complaining about lack of sex, there's also absolutely no physical contact period. She claims it's because of the weight gain, but I think there's more
.we could be incompatible sexually, but she also claims that she's compatible with any man she's ever been with. I'm just fishing for opinions, she has an entire family to vent to, all my family are dead and I can't talk to our friends without causing tension with them.
I would say despite the weight, she has no valid excuse, and that doesn't account for the first 6 years when I was triathlon fit.

Honestly, until the kids came along, it was our rescued animal family (over 30), and for the last 15 years it's been the kids, even though she doesn't let me do anything with them. She is the most helicopter parent ever.
We have one cat left from all those animals and my youngest is 11. The kids are ALL that is keeping me there. I'm just in need of understanding all of this and why she is the way she is.

I want to believe her. That it's ALL about the weight gain, but the closer I get to my weight loss goal..the weirder she gets. It's almost like she HAD an excuse while I was fat, and her excuse is disappearing faster than she expected and in about 45 days. No more excuses, and then back to 2006 when she admitted that she enjoyed denying intimacy towards me.

The relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy and you aren't happy and haven't been for years, so so why stay?

It reads like it's all about sex for you. I suspect she's knocked your self esteem but that's not what's coming across.
Why on earth are you discussing her sex life with her sister? That's messed up.

But also you sound really passive and take no responsibility for any of it - did you want those kids too, or just the sex to make them?
Why have you done nothing to be a proper father?
You want to look after animals but not your own children?
Why would you leave her with the house?

Gosh OP this is an utterly abusive relationship. I'm very sorry you're in this situation, and please make immediate plans to leave.

However please don't make the mistake many women do and leave her with all the money. Right now I know you feel you just want out, but you are probably going to be around for another 30 years and you will not enjoy living in poverty and neither should you. You can do more more for animals if you have a bit of cash.

Please see a solicitor right after Christmas and find out how things will be divided and then make a plan.

Please DON'T reveal any of this until you have plans in place, it will just make your life impossible.

I hope once you're out you can build a better relationship with your kids too.

Good luck, and hold your boundaries on money. Life is about to get a lot better.

It's not so much the lack of intimacy, it's her reasoning why she decided to withhold intimacy of any kind from me.
I stayed because we had rescued animals that I was supporting and I don't bail from my responsibilities. As far as the kids, of course I wanted the kids, and how can you accuse me of not being a proper father???
If I do leave (and because of the kids I most likely won't) she can have the paid off house so the kids will be taken care of.
I'm just here asking opinions to see if it really is my fault for all of this. She sure seems to think it is, maybe I can an do more. As far as ME asking her sisters!!!??? Not me, it's all her. She'll talk about her sex life right there with them in front of me, they are all very open about their adventures, I have nobody to bounce this off of, all my family and my personal friends are dead. I have to talk to strangers like you so our personal friends don't get dragged into this drama.

I'll absolutely leave the house to her and the boys. Most likely though, I I'll tough it out for another 7 years until our youngest gets off to college.
I'm a survivor I can go anywhere and do anything so money won't be an option. Also I have an inheritance that I had from before we met that will be more than sufficient to take care of me when and if I do leave. Before anyone accuses me of holding out money on her, she has always known about the inheritance and that I wouldn't get it until I turned 62, my grandmother loved me and took care of me because I took care of her when nobody else in my family would.
It sure feels like an abusive relationship, but I always blame myself first, that's why I came here, to get outside opinions about this. I'm no angel, not even close to perfect, but I try.

I don't think I am reading the same post as others.

What responsibility do you take for staying in this relationship, having 2 children (ages 10 and 15?) that you don't really parent (because she doesn't "allow" you to), putting up with lack of intimacy (but going along with sex to conceive when she allows). And now deciding to leave because...she pulled away from you/you've lost some weight/you don't feel under her spell any more.

The relationship doesn't sound great, so sure you should split. You have an inheritance and job so will be fine financially. Do you plan to move out or will you ask her to? What will you do about your kids?

What are you asking for on here?

Domestic abuse, get out

Congratulations for getting from under her spell. Ignore the "what did you do for the relationship" comments. If you pretended to be a woman and wrote this post, the reaction would be vastly different.
Domestic violence towards men is hugely underestimated and rarely talked about. But there are, indeed, some organisations which can offer you advice and support. I hope it's a new fresh start from you from now on but please do contact a lawyer and get some support in terms of shared custody for your kids, if nothing else.

You are a passenger in your life, never drove or took control. Added two baby passengers and now you’re the victim!
Do whatever it takes to get the Children out of the mess. Forget about blame and accountability, kids don’t care about that.

Hmm. I had a "friend" like this (female). She openly said she married her husband because she wanted kids. Right age, right time. But she detested him when I knew her. Stayed with him while the kids were young (she didnt work much, he was mainly bread winner). No intimacy. Now split. I'd cut your losses. Sorry to say, your partner doesn't seem to love you much. Get out. Still time to find someone who will!

She sounds absolutely awful. Cruel. Her behaviour has been very damaging to you. There is no future for you in staying with her. You need to leave asap and make a new start for yourself - and to provide a safe loving home for your kids who are old enough to start making decisions about their own lives. Make 2026 the year you break free! xxx

Would you ask a woman in an abusive relationship what she'd done to improve or work on said relationship? Or is it only ok to victim blame men?