Ok..I seriously need some advice about my 26 year marriage

[Semihiker]

Hi I'll nutshell this as best I can. Please ignore grammar and spelling mistakes.
In 2000 we got together. It started rough, she hated my dog and put her name on household supplies because I wasn't working (I had just returned from truck driver training after 6 months and I was burned out) and she thought that I might be a slacker (even though she knew me for 4 years and I always had 2 jobs, did triathlon and owned my own home).
We moved in together, she threw out all my music cds from a female signer (she said I was obsessed because I had a poster of the girl, a gift from a friend of mine, I'm hard to gift to and it was just a gift).
I ignored those red flags and powered forward because she has many good traits as well. Fast forward to 2006 and we have been in a relationship with no intimacy (sex less than 5 times a year) I ignore this because again we took on huge projects and she still has many good traits.
In 2007 she finally told me that we don't have sex because she "enjoyed denying me". Now we are in deep, financially deep and we have 30 rescue animals that rely on me for support (at this time she has not had a job for 5 years). 2009 she decides that children are on the menu and she allows sex on an ovulation schedule only. Now I am highly stressed, over the road trucking and I have gain 70lbs. She uses my weight gain as an excuse for not having sex (even though I was fit from 2000 to 2008, and she was denying then) Now it's time for baby #2 in 2015 and the same ovulation schedule. From 2006 to today we have had sex less than 20 times. This is also a girl who claimed to never say "no to sex" before she met me. I can confirm from information from her sisters that she in fact was part of several sexual gymnastics with groups of strangers (men only) and that her relationship prior to me was sex up to 5 times a day with him. A guy who "massaged " himself to porn daily, that she caught in a 25 cent booth doing it because she outlawed porn in their apartment and he would take pictures of young girls (think Girls gone Wild stuff).
So here we are 26 years later. 2 kids I'm down to 25 lbs from my triathlon weight, and she said to me 3 weeks ago that she's tired of waiting for me to lose the weight and she has decided to never touch me again until I reach my %100 weight loss. When she saw how fast I have been losing the weight (keto vegan diet) then she decided for me that it was me along who didn't want intimacy because my circumcision left the first 1.5 " of my junk numb (the rest feels fine and I still get healthy erections daily).
I'm 50's looking good feeling good, and I have to decide on what to do. Leave her and the kids (she let's me do nothing to act as a father, her own relationship with her dad was bad she basically calls men sperm donors and that a father offered nothing more) mind you I'd be leaving her with a paid off half million $ property and all I want is my converted schoolie full of tools so I can go volunteer at emergency animal shelters until I drop dead.
When she pulled away from me 3 weeks ago, I went through hell and a week later I noticed that for the first time since the day I met her almost 30 years ago, that she no longer had the "pull" over me, it's like I feel reborn and she has no control over me (I might even get another motorcycle...which is forbidden by her).
Now I see that she is panicking and making promises because she feels me slipping away. The thing is that I've seen and heard all of this before. Her big thing now is that it was my weight all along, yet she refuses to admit that her "denying " me comment 20 years ago had anything to do with how I feel now. She's says it's the past, but it sure feels current to me.
Any opinions are greatly appreciated.

To be clear - I don't think anyone is telling you that they believe the main reason you are not having sex is because of your weight. It could be a million things - she was never that into you sexually, she is trying to balance a perceived power imbalance in the relationship by withholding it, she feels that you don't appreciate her as human being and just want sex for its own sake, she finds your relationship lacking in emotional intimacy, she's exhausted looking after your sons/animals/etc. The point is you seem obsessed with trying to regain control of your sexual dynamic and don't come across as caring about any of the rest. It's your right to prioritise your own needs if that's what's most important to you - but you do that by ending the relationship, not trying to negotiate your way into having sex, as I very much doubt when you hit your target weight she is going to say "all solved, now I want to have sex three times a week".

It's also pretty uncomfortable that you really, really don't come across as someone who likes your wife so I personally find it super uncomfortable that you are so keen to have sex with her when you seem to dislike her quite a bit. I can understand that if she's been pretty nasty to you over the years why you might not like her - but again the answer to that is not having sex with her. It all seems to be more about calling her bluff than wanting a healthy level of emotional intimacy.

Semihiker - please dont continue to deliberate whether or not to continue in this situation. Its really not worth bothering. She has been abusive to you for many years and will never ever change. Just escape, move on and start being free to be yourself.

Sounds like it was a shit relationship from day 1 tbh. You’re not a passenger in your own life… you shouldn’t have gone along with it all. She sounds like a nasty woman who enjoys the power you let her exercise over you.

Obviously leave her… you don’t even like her.

But don’t let her steal your kids. Make sure you get shared custody even if it’s just at weekends so you can spend time with them. It’s not their fault.

My guess would be that you were way too pushy about about sex in the beginning and it was a complete ick for her so is was easy to say no (which somehow translated into her enjoying denying you), then you put on a ton of weight and that made it easy to say no too. I expect she has a much lower sex drive than you.

'After I came home to a cold empty house I decided to stay single for a while to learn how to control myself.' What on earth does this mean? That combined with 'I'm no angel' makes me wonder what you're not telling us.

You're right.
I should have noticed the dynamic between her mom and dad. It wasn't good, and that dynamic has followed all the girls in her family. One sister has forced a split with her husband (he has moved on, no contact with their 2 kids, only court order child support) the other sisters boyfriend (one 17 year old child) constantly tells me how mean she is and he's just waiting to die.
I have managed to hide my issues with my wife from the boys, mainly because I'm not home often and when I am, I'm usually fixing something. Either way, I don't know how much longer I can keep a brave face.

I have said that she has many good traits and those traits are mainly why I have not made intimacy an issue. Just because I don't go into detail about what I love about her doesn't mean anything to read into. She has never had to work, I always take over the household chores when I'm home to give her a break.

I'm assuming that your sex drive is pretty low, or you would have left already? She's never going to want sex with you, surely you must know that by now?

For context, I'm 56 and my husband is 53. Been together for 17 years. We have just been on holiday and had sex almost every day. We also had a lot of sex last night, and then some more this morning. There are women out there who still love sex in their 50's, trust me!

Leave and get yourself onto some dating sites.

Yes, I have come to that conclusion and had she not said that she doesn't want to be intimate because it's 100% my weight issue, it would seem the problem has a cure. But....the closer I get to my goal the more she pulls away. I suspect there will be another hoop of fire to jump through once her excuse is moot.

And no, my sex drive is more than adequate. I have just been able to prioritize for 26 years. Also....do you say no to your husband 99 out of 100 times that he tries to initiate intimacy? That has been my life for 26 years.

No, I can't remember ever saying no actually. Your wife is dead below the waist. It's only going to get even worse when she goes through menopause. I'd say my sex drive has lessened somewhat, but it's still very much alive. If she didn't have a sex drive at 40, she's not going to find it at 55. LEAVE.

She said "I enjoy denying you sex" I didn't just make that up.
The cold house was my first wife, 10 years before I ever met my current wife, and I'm no angel, I'm not perfect...nobody is.

26 years of no sex, is quite frankly, ridiculous. If you don't get out now, you never will. Are you mid 50's now?

When we were on holiday a few weeks ago, we got chatting to a group of married men, who were all looking to hook up with women on their lads holiday. I asked them why. Turns out that none of them was getting any sex at home.

I'm preparing for her to do just that, and like everything in my life, I'll prioritize and move forward making sure that I do the right thing. I put this on a forum to get different opinions and it has helped me a lot.

Yes mid 50's.
It seems the more I read online the more my situation isn't an isolated thing.

"I don't really believe in joint custody, the kids should always stay with their mom."

Hu? Why don't you believe in joint custody? The sane thing to do here is leave and get joint custody and have a functional relationship with your kids. Helicopter parenting is not good for them. You need to create an environment where they can develop.

But you appear set on sticking with this abusive relationship.

They sound delightful.

Did you ask them why they would prefer to cheat rather than ending their relationships and being free to shag anyone who wants to shag them / be available for a relationship with someone who does want to shag them?

She just doesnt like you. The hoops of fire wouldnt be there if she did, nobody does that. You speak so poorly of her i really dont know why you would want to have sex with her. If i was her, i'd be picking up on that. Women famously need to feel wanted outside the bedroom to be active in it.

OK she doesn't want sex with you and you aren't OK with that, you don't want a sexless marriage, fair enough. It's knocked your self esteem and you feel manipulated. Fair enough.

So decide if it's worth leaving over.

Some of the things you are coming up with aren't her fault- yes you can leave because her family are horrible, but don't act like she's responsible or it's her fault her mum and sisters are mean. It's not her fault what your ex did and leave her previous sex life out of things too.
26 years ago she put the bills in her name because you were burnt out and jobless, and you say that's one of the red flags. Really?

You can't expect credit for doing household tasks either because you should be doing them. We don't know if you were OK with her being a sahm or if she could have worked around the kids and your job, but you sound to resent it. Despite saying she's a great mum, one child has additional needs and you took on lots of big projects together. Lots of people would say all that is a type of unpaid work. If you wanted her to have paid work you should have done something about before it not resent it now.

Maybe do a list of pros and cons to help you separate out what are actually issues related to her. But honestly, if you have a con as "in 2000 she asked me to get rid of a poster and cds and I did but I'm still sore about it, plus she didn't like my dog" in the cons it suggests you have lost some perspective, which is understandable in an unhealthy relationship. But maybe you've lost focus.

If you've had enough of no sex and you're looking good and feeling good about yourself now and feel you can do better then just own it. That's reason enough to leave.

So they said. They couldn’t just be opportunists?

There are many women on here who don't understand why you place such emphasis on sex - this is one of the blind spots that some women can have about men.
Women and men have very different approaches, wants, and attitudes. It is basic biology (testosterone etc.)
It is a cliché and generalisation, but women need a good relationship to want sex, and men want sex to make a good relationship.
So women will ask "why are you talking about sex instead of all the rest of the relationship" without understanding that for men sex is the first thing to fix in a relationship.

@Semihiker ignore all the posts who think you are putting too much emphasis on the sex aspect of your relationship.

You say:
I'm just in need of understanding all of this and why she is the way she is.
It is pointless to try and understand her. Abusers gonna abuse. That is just the way she is.
You could try doing amateur psychology on her, try to understand her past and her dad and all that stuff, but in the end she is abusive because she wants to be. You will tie yourself in knots trying to understand how and why and what-if.
Let it go. You can't understand what doesn't have an explanation.
That is all there is to it. She is abusive because she is an abuser.

Divorce her, but you can't walk away from your children - that would be reprehensible. You need to step up and be a father.
Get yourself some accommodation where they can stay overnight, then take her to court to get at least two nights every other weekend with them. Then take her back to court as many times as needed to make sure this is enforced.

When it comes to a mother and her children, unless there is abuse towards the children, I see no reason to ever force something like joint custody. I believe the children are almost always better off in a stable environment with their mom.
That said, her helicopter parenting style is a bit much, she is a total control freak and doesn't even like it when I take the boys shopping without her.
Do I want to stay, yes
Do I want a physical relationship before we get too old, yes
Am I hopeful that she will come through with her promise that once I lose the weight, there will be intimacy, yes
However, her track record has me questioning that because the closer I get to my weight loss goal, the more she pushes me away.
My autistic boy will never leave the home.
My 11 year old will go on to have a regular life and as he gets older he'll probably see the weird dynamics between his mom and I. Either way I'll most likely hang in there until he's a young man and help him the best I can.

What many people here don't realize is that there is no physical contact at all. No hand-held , not even brushing up against each other. She avoids any and all contact, unless she planned around her ovulation for conception.
I am the best father I can be given the limited time I get with my boys and her interfering style.
You've simplified it beautifully. I look back and despite her massive controlling nature, some intimacy would have gone a long way. When I say some, I don't mean daily, life gets in the way. It never had to be a grand gesture, but some effort would have been nice.
I believe her experience watching her parents has created damaged girls because her 2 sisters are exactly the same as her.

I see no reason to ever force something like joint custody. I believe the children are almost always better off in a stable environment with their mom.
That is a very very old-fashioned view. It won't go down well here, where the dominant view is that men should do 50% of the parenting (separated or not), and if they don't then they are lazy, waste-of-space, selfish, poor excuses for fathers. If you do divorce, you need to have your sons stay overnight with you at least two nights every other weekend. Anything less is being a crap parent.

You have said that you work away a lot, and when you are home you spend a lot of time fixing things. You need to work on spending more quality time with your sons, especially as the younger one heads into his teens.
She may hate it if you even take them shopping without her. You have to stand up to her and do what your younger son needs you to do - which is spend quality time with him.

Do I want to stay, yes
Why? Be honest with yourself - exactly why would you want to stay in this relationship? Why?
Is it just because it is easier for you to go with the status quo and you don't fancy having to look after your sons alone when you get weekend visitation? Or you don't want people to judge you for abandoning them?

Do I want a physical relationship before we get too old, yes
Am I hopeful that she will come through with her promise that once I lose the weight, there will be intimacy, yes
This is a foolish and forlorn hope. She doesn't want sex with you. Ever. She just doesn't want it.
The weight is not the issue - as you said yourself she was denying sex even before you gained weight.
If you want a good sexual relationship, you will have to leave her and find it with someone else.

Either way I'll most likely hang in there until he's a young man and help him the best I can.
You need to help him NOW. He desperately needs a father who is present and engaged, spending quality time with him and doing stuff together, without his mum hovering in the background.
Being a father is about spending time, not just providing money.

I was always ok with her being sahm, I think nobody can do a better job with children than their parents and would never suggest shoving your kids off on a babysitter or day care. I have always made plenty of money to provide for my family.
As far as in the beginning when she got weird about me taking some time to reevaluate my career, it was a red flag that she labeled items in the house since she knew my track record of being financially stable and having 2 jobs during the years before we got together was clear.
And yes I should get massive credit for working 100 hours a week for 26 years and still coming home, taking over most household chores to give her a break all the while making it possible for her to be a sahm.

Don't really understand how you can ignore the woman's pov in a relationship with a woman? If we need a good relationship to have sex, you gotta provide that, or no sex 🤷‍♀️