Ok..I seriously need some advice about my 26 year marriage

[Semihiker]

Hi I'll nutshell this as best I can. Please ignore grammar and spelling mistakes.
In 2000 we got together. It started rough, she hated my dog and put her name on household supplies because I wasn't working (I had just returned from truck driver training after 6 months and I was burned out) and she thought that I might be a slacker (even though she knew me for 4 years and I always had 2 jobs, did triathlon and owned my own home).
We moved in together, she threw out all my music cds from a female signer (she said I was obsessed because I had a poster of the girl, a gift from a friend of mine, I'm hard to gift to and it was just a gift).
I ignored those red flags and powered forward because she has many good traits as well. Fast forward to 2006 and we have been in a relationship with no intimacy (sex less than 5 times a year) I ignore this because again we took on huge projects and she still has many good traits.
In 2007 she finally told me that we don't have sex because she "enjoyed denying me". Now we are in deep, financially deep and we have 30 rescue animals that rely on me for support (at this time she has not had a job for 5 years). 2009 she decides that children are on the menu and she allows sex on an ovulation schedule only. Now I am highly stressed, over the road trucking and I have gain 70lbs. She uses my weight gain as an excuse for not having sex (even though I was fit from 2000 to 2008, and she was denying then) Now it's time for baby #2 in 2015 and the same ovulation schedule. From 2006 to today we have had sex less than 20 times. This is also a girl who claimed to never say "no to sex" before she met me. I can confirm from information from her sisters that she in fact was part of several sexual gymnastics with groups of strangers (men only) and that her relationship prior to me was sex up to 5 times a day with him. A guy who "massaged " himself to porn daily, that she caught in a 25 cent booth doing it because she outlawed porn in their apartment and he would take pictures of young girls (think Girls gone Wild stuff).
So here we are 26 years later. 2 kids I'm down to 25 lbs from my triathlon weight, and she said to me 3 weeks ago that she's tired of waiting for me to lose the weight and she has decided to never touch me again until I reach my %100 weight loss. When she saw how fast I have been losing the weight (keto vegan diet) then she decided for me that it was me along who didn't want intimacy because my circumcision left the first 1.5 " of my junk numb (the rest feels fine and I still get healthy erections daily).
I'm 50's looking good feeling good, and I have to decide on what to do. Leave her and the kids (she let's me do nothing to act as a father, her own relationship with her dad was bad she basically calls men sperm donors and that a father offered nothing more) mind you I'd be leaving her with a paid off half million $ property and all I want is my converted schoolie full of tools so I can go volunteer at emergency animal shelters until I drop dead.
When she pulled away from me 3 weeks ago, I went through hell and a week later I noticed that for the first time since the day I met her almost 30 years ago, that she no longer had the "pull" over me, it's like I feel reborn and she has no control over me (I might even get another motorcycle...which is forbidden by her).
Now I see that she is panicking and making promises because she feels me slipping away. The thing is that I've seen and heard all of this before. Her big thing now is that it was my weight all along, yet she refuses to admit that her "denying " me comment 20 years ago had anything to do with how I feel now. She's says it's the past, but it sure feels current to me.
Any opinions are greatly appreciated.

I'm asking for exactly what I'm getting. Different opinions on the situation. I have nobody to talk to. All my family and friends are dead. She has her entire family for support. We have mutual friends but I refuse to air our dirty laundry and cause tension for our mutual friends. I'm taking everyone's comment here seriously. If I can do better, if it really is/was me who caused the rift between us, then I'll take full responsibility. I do appreciate every comment.

I'm hearing this from many. It feels like it, I just don't understand why anyone would do it.

I get it. My boys will inherit what I don't use. I'm a no frills guy, I'll never go through the amount of $$ my grama left for me. I don't really believe in joint custody, the kids should always stay with their mom. In all reality I can probably ride this out for long enough for my 11 year old to understand. I'm just struggling with her reason why to withhold intimacy. I completely get it if there was a physical reason, but her reason was because she enjoyed denying intimacy, I'm having a hard time with that. Add that to her telling me that she pulled away from me 3 weeks ago and it just came apart.

You have no idea how right you are. I spent first 6 years of my adult life in the military only to come home to a empty house, divorce papers and broken frozen pipes.

Thanks Judgebread,
The funny thing about this poster is that it almost reads like she wrote it. She's that good at spin control. I watched her mom do the same thing to her dad until he finally died.

I don't worry about the kids, she's dedicated to them.This is a woman who nursed them both for 5 years and home schools them . The one thing she is. Is a great mom. She just seems to not like me very much.

I guessed you might be ex military. I am married to (now) ex forces. Difference is, I never had an issue with it, it was the way it was
But for some women,its hard. And for some women its an easy way out! You're not there, they can do as they please....till you come back!
My feeling is your partner has been and is using you.

Yes that was my first wife, my high school girl back in the late 80's, I ended up in Kuwait and what I went through I never told anyone the details about that desert. After I came home to a cold empty house I decided to stay single for a while to learn how to control myself. I became self employed and then 5 years later this girl came into my life....fast forward to now and I question fate.
.

@Semihiker but they've watched her be awful to you, witnessed all her ways of putting you down (however subtly), they've seen you be sidelined time and time again. I think you said she's done all she can to ensure they dont spend much time with you, havent formed a bond with you. And all their lives you've been unhappy.

Sadly......... all that will have affected them - their relationship with you, how they view men, dads etc. Its very sad in lots of ways. Please do all you can to escape. And provide a place for them in your life too. They need you in their lives. xxxx

Yes....you are correct. My 15 year old is autistic and will never understand any of this. He lives in his own world. My 11 year old is not autistic and so far he and I have a good relationship even though everything I do is countered by her, overridden and redirected. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to maintain the situation before he notices an issue. Right now at 11 he really doesn't notice the tension between us, but that won't last much longer.
As far as her relationship with her own dad.....not good, it was very bad. None of the 5 brothers and sisters liked their dad. Their mom treated him so bad. He was afraid to sit in the wrong chair, she would grill him about his inability to provide until he would literally vomit at the table. All I ever saw was her dad go to work every day while her mom stayed home and created scams to get free money. Her dad died 5 years ago and all her mom cared about was his life insurance policy. He still doesn't have a headstone at the cemetery.

She sounds narcissistic or at the very least cruel and abusive.
I think you head would clear abit if you got some physical space from the home situation.

and maybe you'd get to see your children more through a custody agreement?

It sounds like it plugs into some 'inner childhood wounding' for you? Your bending over backwards to please someone but the more you give the less they appreciate. You've spent too long trying to gain her attention/affection.

You have every right not to be okay with the situation you described.

You deserve to be treated respectfully and your efforts acknowledged.

Have you made a logistical plan of what you'd need to do to leave? Please do right by yourself here and make a plan and LTB ( leave the b!tch)

I'm sure you have loads of good stuff to look forward to.

You do sound very passive and about to repeat that behaviour by taking the path of least resistance again. So you are planning to stick it out until youngest is an adult? Continue to distract yourself from your unhappiness by focussing on your fitness goals? Then run away? All the time waiting for children to grow up and inheritance to allow you to escape?

You seem scared of confrontation. But. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You can treat this cry for help as an opportunity to make the changes you need. That is to leave. Insist on being a father to the children. Protect your finances.

Christ this is nicely fantasy stuff.

This.

On the one hand, it sounds to me like this woman simply does not like you and does not want to have sex with you. If you keep pressing and saying 'i've lost weight, now what's the 'excuse''? You will get that answer to your face one day.

On the other hand, you are far too passive, and it seems like EVERYTHING comes down to sex? You will put up with anything, and even concieve children, just to get a shag. That's hard to respect, icky, even.

Your relationship is a mess and should never have continued obviously - it does seem pretty toxic - but your number one priority should be counselling for yourself so you can (a) work out why you’ve been in such a toxic relationship for so long and (b) be as good a father as possible to your two teenage kids because you’ve barely mentioned them and don’t seem super focused on their wellbeing beyond the economic. Instead your whole post is about your non existent sex life which is just super uncomfortable to read and not the biggest issue from the sounds of it.

Two additions. Firstly, you keep going down an uncomfortable route with the “is she justified in not wanting sex” - no one needs an excuse to not have sex with someone - it is her right to not want sex. If it’s helpful I’d also add that not wanting sex for women is often about the psychological not the physical - it might be much more about her not feeling you are in a good partnership, not feeling like you care about the kids etc (even though she is also clearly pretty messed up) - you need to stop thinking weight loss and sex will fix anything here. It is your right to not want to stay in a marriage with no sex and I’m sure there are women who would want that relationship with you so you can absolutely do that but I’d get counselling first to work out what you want in life beyond that. Secondly, I will reiterate the point about focusing on your role as a parent based on the follow up paragraphs - just because she’s a dedicated mum doesn’t mean you don’t have a role as their father including to your autistic son - you need to focus on that asap.

Because @Semihiker you make comments such as "she let's me do nothing to act as a father" and "all I want is my converted schoolie full of tools so I can go volunteer at emergency animal shelters" - those are the sort of comments made me suggest you haven't taken responsibility for being a "proper father." Then followed up with the comment that you think children should always stay with their mum.

I think given the number of traumas you have experienced, the number of bereavements and losses and state of your current relationship you could do with some therapy.

We get a lot of women on here posting about their male partners - would her version read like "my partner is so passive, I feel like I can't trust him to do anything with the kids. He was in the military which impacted him and had a bad time with his ex - maybe it's screwed him up a bit for relationships. Also he's not got anyone else in his life, he's had tons of bereavements. Honestly, I think he cares more about animals. I'm a sahm with two kids, they are my world but one is autistic and DH works as a trucker I feel like I get no help and he just wants me for sex but I've gone off it. I have issues too, I had a messed up childhood and have had bad relationships with men, I haven't had healthy relationships with them, used to do group sex and have a porn obsessed boyfriend, my self esteem was low I was even jealous and insecure about a singer my husband likes, sometimes I'm just mean to my husband". And people would say get therapy, together or individually, or leave this relationship it's dead.

Your relationship is unhealthy. She's manipulative and controlling and you are just a passive bystander who has fixated on the idea of it being all about your weight. You are also obsessed with sex, or rather your lack of it, rather than focusing on the toxicity of your relationship which will certainly impact on your children if it hasn't already.
You need to separate and co parent as well as you can. Also you should consider having some counselling to understand why you have allowed yourself to be treated in such a humiliating way.

I'm fixated on sex .....because in her own words it the100% reason that she has denied me intimacy all these years. Other than her comment about enjoying denying me back in 2006/2007 when I was actually physically fit. As far as passive, I have been the only one who initiated intimacy of any kind during the entire relationship. Other than her ovulation schedule to conceive the children. Did I think things would change after we became financially secure...yes I did. By then I had gained weight and her excuse went from enjoying denying to it's the weight gain. Now we're in our 50's, she says that she can still be intimate. My thing is that the closer I get to my fitness goal...the more she pulls away. It's almost like she's going to play the :I'm (her) too old card next, and I've finally turned to other people's opinions to be prepared for this.

She's excessively controlling about the kids in my opinion too much. When I make a decision like computer screen time it then reversed by her. Things like that. As far as going on my animal shelter repair tour, it's all I've ever wanted to do since before we met. Do I want to leave my boys behind? No, they're the only reason I stay since we only have 1 of the more than 30 animals we rescued throughout the years left.
While 1 boy is autistic (15 years old) and will never leave the house and doesn't have a clue about anything. The 11 years old is perfectly normal and will be fine as he grows. Will my resentment be apparent as he starts to become a young man? Or can I hide it from him, power through this until he has moved into adulthood? I don't know.

I agree with most of what you said. The one point that I don't is....she has been fixated on my weight as her %100 reason for no see. The closer I get to my weight goal, the more she pulls away.

Staying in a poor relationship is modelling the behaviour for your kids.

Would you want to see them in this situation?

I've barely mentioned the boys because other than her obsession with helicopter parenting, I am as involved as a dad can possibly be. As far as my nonexistent sex life...it's hard not to focus on that since she has had the wheel on that since day one and in my opinion has used it to control and manipulate me for 26 years. Now her final ability to control it is quickly becoming a non issue because I'm literally 45 days from my weight goal and the closer I get, the weirder she gets.

I don’t think you should bother trying to understand why she is the way she is.

You wanted sex for years. She didn’t and made excuses and showed you it’s a power trip for her. You stayed. You’re still not happy.

If you are not happy then divorce. You sound really passive though.

I don’t buy that she’s let you do nothing as a father though. That sounds really lame.

I can't understand why you'd want sex with her anyway knowing how horrible she is, and also knowing that she doesn't want sex with you either. Or why you'd want kids with such an awful woman? So all you can do now is get some legal advice and see how you can escape as soon as possible. This is no way to live.