Ok..I seriously need some advice about my 26 year marriage

[Semihiker]

Hi I'll nutshell this as best I can. Please ignore grammar and spelling mistakes.
In 2000 we got together. It started rough, she hated my dog and put her name on household supplies because I wasn't working (I had just returned from truck driver training after 6 months and I was burned out) and she thought that I might be a slacker (even though she knew me for 4 years and I always had 2 jobs, did triathlon and owned my own home).
We moved in together, she threw out all my music cds from a female signer (she said I was obsessed because I had a poster of the girl, a gift from a friend of mine, I'm hard to gift to and it was just a gift).
I ignored those red flags and powered forward because she has many good traits as well. Fast forward to 2006 and we have been in a relationship with no intimacy (sex less than 5 times a year) I ignore this because again we took on huge projects and she still has many good traits.
In 2007 she finally told me that we don't have sex because she "enjoyed denying me". Now we are in deep, financially deep and we have 30 rescue animals that rely on me for support (at this time she has not had a job for 5 years). 2009 she decides that children are on the menu and she allows sex on an ovulation schedule only. Now I am highly stressed, over the road trucking and I have gain 70lbs. She uses my weight gain as an excuse for not having sex (even though I was fit from 2000 to 2008, and she was denying then) Now it's time for baby #2 in 2015 and the same ovulation schedule. From 2006 to today we have had sex less than 20 times. This is also a girl who claimed to never say "no to sex" before she met me. I can confirm from information from her sisters that she in fact was part of several sexual gymnastics with groups of strangers (men only) and that her relationship prior to me was sex up to 5 times a day with him. A guy who "massaged " himself to porn daily, that she caught in a 25 cent booth doing it because she outlawed porn in their apartment and he would take pictures of young girls (think Girls gone Wild stuff).
So here we are 26 years later. 2 kids I'm down to 25 lbs from my triathlon weight, and she said to me 3 weeks ago that she's tired of waiting for me to lose the weight and she has decided to never touch me again until I reach my %100 weight loss. When she saw how fast I have been losing the weight (keto vegan diet) then she decided for me that it was me along who didn't want intimacy because my circumcision left the first 1.5 " of my junk numb (the rest feels fine and I still get healthy erections daily).
I'm 50's looking good feeling good, and I have to decide on what to do. Leave her and the kids (she let's me do nothing to act as a father, her own relationship with her dad was bad she basically calls men sperm donors and that a father offered nothing more) mind you I'd be leaving her with a paid off half million $ property and all I want is my converted schoolie full of tools so I can go volunteer at emergency animal shelters until I drop dead.
When she pulled away from me 3 weeks ago, I went through hell and a week later I noticed that for the first time since the day I met her almost 30 years ago, that she no longer had the "pull" over me, it's like I feel reborn and she has no control over me (I might even get another motorcycle...which is forbidden by her).
Now I see that she is panicking and making promises because she feels me slipping away. The thing is that I've seen and heard all of this before. Her big thing now is that it was my weight all along, yet she refuses to admit that her "denying " me comment 20 years ago had anything to do with how I feel now. She's says it's the past, but it sure feels current to me.
Any opinions are greatly appreciated.

Yes it's old fashioned, I do the best I can to engage with the boys. She is very difficult to deal with when I do this, but I try. It's also the reason I stay. My youngest needs more than an overbearing female and as he gets older I'm confident that he will grow into a well balanced young man. Right now at 11 he's still very much a mommy's boy. That will all change in a couple of years.
As far as the intimacy.....you're probably right. I don't really have any unreasonable expectations for intimacy with her in the future. Her history screams too loud.

You are correct, nobody here is even mentioning my weight issues.
It was her who said the reason we have no intimacy is 100% due to my weight. Yet she also said (back when I was fit) that she enjoyed denying me sex.

The problem has always been that I love her and was able to kick my problems with her down the road. Then as always it got complicated and fast forward 26 years.
It's only now that I really took the time to put it all together. Everyone here has been very enlightening. It's hard to view a situation when stuck on the inside.

From personal experience I can tell you that at 11 your ds will have been painfully aware of your awful relationship for years. Just because kids act normal and don't mention it doesn't mean they don't notice. A lot of damage will already have been done.
You say your DW is a helicopter parent and a control freak, but you're prepared to leave your dss in her care 100% if you leave. Experts say that if kids growing up in abusive circumstances have just one decent person they can turn to, it can make all the difference to the effects on them. I understand that feeling of wanting to run away from everything and just be with animals but you ARE a father, and your kids need you to step up and accept your responsibilities towards them. She is abusive from your description and so is her family - they are not better off left to her sole care.
You need to leave for your own sake, and share custody for your kids sake. If you wait till your ds is a young man before trying to build a proper relationship with him it will be too late, the damage will already be done.
Sincerely hope you get your life sorted.

And yes I should get massive credit for working 100 hours a week for 26 years
Many, many women would see this as a BAD thing, not something you should get credit for. Basically you are just not present most of the time. Your choice of job means that you are not part of daily family life. Time spent together is so much more important than money.

However, in your case I suspect she has been quite happy with this, as she gets to stay home, doesn't have to work, and if she actually doesn't like you and doesn't want you around, it is great for her.

He can't 'provide a good relationship' to a woman who is abusive.

Which is what his wife clearly is. She's treated him like shit for 26 years and she isn't suddenly going to become a nice person.You absolutely can, and should, ignore the point of view of someone who treats their spouse as horribly as this.

This is a classic example of a situation where, if the OP was a woman, people would unanimously be telling her to leave, calling the husband an abusive gaslighting cocklodger, etc. Nobody would be saying 'It's only sex' or 'You probably aren't doing enough to make him attracted to you' etc.

I'm glad there are other women on this thread who are calling out the wife's awful behaviour.

OP, this is a horrible situation and you need to get away from this woman. She's a horribly abusive and controlling person and she will never change.

Six lines in and I thought 'leave her, she's a monster'.
That opinion has not changed by reading further.
Run!

Right now at 11 he's still very much a mommy's boy. That will all change in a couple of years.

You don't wait for him to stop being a mommy's boy before building a relationship with him. You do it NOW.
Otherwise in a couple of years when he is no longer a mommy's boy, he won't want to hang out with you either, because you are a virtual stranger to him. He will go looking for company elsewhere, possibly with other boys and young men who are no good for him and get him in serious trouble.
You have to fight your wife, and ignore her protests and her being "difficult", to start spending valuable quality time alone with him now, not in two years.

You worked 100 hours a week and have 2 children, one with additional needs? Honestly that's going to put pressure on any relationship. No wonder your son tends to his mum, you aren't there. She is very much the main care giver and it won't be easy to step back when you get home. I think if you can salvage anything from this mess try to build a relationship with your sons. You might have old fashioned ideas but your youngest at least might grow up wondering where you were and wether you cared. It's not too late to work on that.

She sounds a nightmare. End it, walk away and just be a good father. 👍

@Semihiker Not read all of the posts buy read your first post. Please leave this awful woman!! She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Do not allow her to control you like this!

Again. I posted here to get an outside opinion about this entire situation. You've all been helpful and made valid points. I even can see where I have been failing.
I thank all of you for your time.

Dont think anyone is saying 'its only sex' or trying to get him to get her to like him; we're all a bit mystified as to why he'd want to have sex with her at all, and see it as a symptom of him putting sex above ALL else, which is likely going to be a problem with other women too.

She will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. It does sound as if she essentially despises you. Which may not be your fault - some people are just unkind and incapable of empathy.
Sounds as if you are an overall benefit to her life so she may try and bond with you if you stand up to her. It doesn’t have to be about blame and shouting. Just as simple as saying you’re very unhappy and plan to leave. Make it about what you feel rather than her shortcomings. The latter just ends up with arguments. She can’t argue with how you feel,
It is as you say a fairly common set up. The only weird thing is that you still say you love her. That’s an odd dynamic and is giving her all the power. What is it you love? The chase? The challenge?

Op I think you’re already seeing from the comments that you won’t get complete support on this site. It’s getting better, but still for many posters there are no male victims, and they must be to blame. You see it in posts on this thread.

she is abusive to you. You need to split up but I know that hard. It’s hard with kids and it’s hard when you’re a victim of abuse.

i hope you can take the good and supportive advice from this thread and ignore the parts that can never accept a man as a victim.

“When it comes to a mother and her children, unless there is abuse towards the children, I see no reason to ever force something like joint custody. I believe the children are almost always better off in a stable environment with their mom.”

You appear to be an American asking this which may be why your attitude looks so strange to us Brits. Children have the best outcomes when they are in a family with a healthy relationship. The assumption women are inherently better care givers is not one based upon anything. Until 1839 men had default custody then women had default primary custody from the 1870s that was questioned and from the 1970s through to today there has been a significant move to share custody. Neither parent is inherently superior children benefit from both positive male and female figures in their lives.

Just as neither parent should shoulder all the responsibility of care. It sounds like you don’t want the responsibility and perhaps you chose someone who cuts you out because you are avoiding it.

I would not want children growing up in such an unhealthy environment and would think you could probably propose some kind of amicable divorce so you could both find other people you are more suited too. You are holding on to a delusion that she will ever want you, let that go. She may want a relationship with someone else (perhaps already has one given how much you appear to be away).

Also, if your youngest is 11 then she should be out looking to get back in to a job. It is healthy to do more than just home, but also what happens if you get sick and can’t work? Though I would avoid other relationships after this as you don’t sound like you are in a place to handle them.

Your children need to have access to a healthy environment and you have a responsibility to provide that.

You lost me at the use of the word “junk” 😬

In all seriousness- leave. This is more than quarter of a century of someone abusing you. Go and take the kids.