Pregnant in a new relationship

[Mummyofour]

I'm looking for some advice it's a bit of a long story, I have a 20-year-old, 18-year-old a 14-year-old and a twelve-year-old. We're very close family and i never anticipated having any more children. Unfortunately, a couple of years ago I had a breakdown due to childhood trauma. It led me to drinking excessively, and I have mental health issues. I ended up in rehab where I have dealt with a lot of stuff. I'm now sober. I'm feeling a lot better. while I was in rehab. I met a man, a lovely, lovely man, and we had a strong connection instantly, once we left rehab, we began a relationship together. While it's frowned upon by some, we are proven that wrong. We get on so well l, we are the same age. We've got the same interests. Same desires, and we're absolutely smitten With each other, we've known each other nearly 3 months now. And we've been together for 6 weeks. Unfortunately, about seven years ago, he had a little girl and she didn't make it due to complications, he then went on to have a little boy who is now 6 years old. Due to his addiction and trauma from his past, his only just started to try and rebuild his relationship with his son after not seeing him 2 years. He had a partner who faked a pregnancy. Just before he went into rehab. While he was in rehab.That partner died due to alcohol abuse.
Years ago I was raped, which led to pregnancy, and I terminated the pregnancy. It absolutely destroyed me. I went on to have my third and fourth child later on. And in an abusive relationship fell pregnant again and was forced to abort. Again it absolutely broke me. I never imagined having another child. But I find myself pregnant already. I can't imagine terminating this pregnancy for several reasons. Especially the fact i've been there,Done it and it broke me. And I don't think I'd be strong enough to do it again. I have not told my boyfriend yet. I'm trying to find the right time. And the right words, I'm terrified that this will be too much for him. And he will want me to abort. but at the same time, I think, with what he's been through. Maybe he will actually be quite happy. One of my 4 kids will be ecstatic. The older 2 won't be happy. The youngest will be indifferent.
My mental health and my age are obviously factors in this decision, as is my boyfriend's views. We have talked about our future together and how we feel. We have been through hell and back to meet each other, Unfortunately, at no point did we discuss the potential possibility of having a child! I'm just looking for anyone who might have been in a similar situation. Or some advice on a good way to tell him from what I've told you.
Thanks in advance.

Eesh

Why make your children unhappy? Why put all this extra pressure on yourself? This relationship doesn’t sound the best and it doesn’t seem like you’ve been the best judge of relationships in the past. You had only been sober for 3m, you may relapse (I know many who have). I also do not know anyone who has made a codependent relationship work (to be fair I only know one person who has started a relationship with a fellow addict).

Please don’t jeopardise your children’s happiness and your health on something like this.

Think of your existing children

If all the above is accurate you shouldn’t in any circumstances continue the pregnancy. You shouldn’t continue the relationship . There’s a reason co-dependent relationships like this are discouraged.

You need to focus on your recovery, and rebuilding the relationship with your children. As does he. Bringing a child into this situation spells disaster for them, as well as all the rest of you.

I understand your previous trauma, and suggest you have counselling immediately about your options. At some level you must know it’s not feasible,

As to telling him, directly is best but you might want to speak to your support network/ counsellors first.

Firstly, a baby is a blessing but it sounds as if this is the last thing you need right now. You would both need a hell of a lot of intervention and professional support throughout the pregnancy and beyond due to all of the complicating factors.

No judgement from me regarding the length of your relationship, I was pregnant within six months of meeting DH seventeen years ago now but you can’t really know someone after such a short length of time and your partner seems as if he’s had a lot of trauma in his life, as have you, which can make people behave in unpredictable ways. For the sake of your existing children, I wouldn’t add any more pressure to yourselves if you can help it.

Rehab relationships are frowned upon with good reason. There are occasional exceptions but you haven’t proven anything wrong in that department , if anything you’re confirming the point with an intense relationship with a baby on the way in far from ideal circumstances.
I am being blunt, but you need to be strong. I understand that having an abortion would be very difficult for you, but so will having a baby. You and the father are very fragile- please think long and hard and speak to your therapist.
The way you write about the reasons not to abort sounds like you know that is the sensible, obvious, choice to make.
How old are you? How stable financially, emotionally, support network?
What are you wanting from this thread?
Be gentle and honest with yourself

you’ve been together 3 months. You are both newly out of rehab.

i understand you get on well and enjoy similar things but do you think this is a good choice. You need to be building emotional security and resilience for yourself that comes from within. Not external attachments.

what do you think is a good choice right now? For you and your children. If they are different who do you think comes first, you your children or him?

you need to focus on rebuilding a life and providing safety and security for your children. He needs to focus on being a consistent and reliable parent for his son.

you can tell him and let him know that you won’t be keeping it as it’s best for both you.

take a step back from each other. If it’s meant to be come back together in a year or two. Be single. All the children in this situation deserve 100% of your effort.

There are so, so many reasons why having a baby now is a bad idea.

You have five children between you and they've already been through a load of trauma. They need stability and security, not a screaming baby and a new stepparent in their lives.

I’ve been to the priory for depression not rehab but the same rules apply. Rehab relationships are frowned upon. The circumstances lead to very intense feelings, very quickly and it feels like you’ve found your soul mate and the answer to all your previous problems. The one person who truly gets you.

My stint was some 8 years ago now and while I kept in touch with a few people after we left, some of whom live really quite close to me, I’m not in touch with any of them now. Not even on social media. As recovery continues you realise firstly that you’ve not really got much in common and secondly it’s not particularly healthy to keep these relationships going.

6 weeks proves nothing. 6 months will not prove anything. 6 years might be starting to prove things. You’ve both just left rehab, you are both still very fragile. A baby is not a good idea. Babies do not cement relationships they highlight and deepen every single crack.

Are you having any post rehab support you can reach out to? Discussing this with professionals seems like the best way forward.

Good on you for being so honest here, but I think it's bad idea.

You’ve been blessed with for children and have done the pregnancy, baby and child rearing 4 times. There’s been a lot of trauma, you’d be best of focusing on your 4 DC.

A 6 week relationship is just over 1 month. If you continue, you are really risking raising a child alone. You’ve not long been out of rehab it sounds like?

It’s entirely your choice, but go in with your eyes open if you continue.

Have you decided now that your e having a baby? It’s not clear and it’s difficult to know how to approach him without knowing this.

While it's frowned upon by some, we are proven that wrong. We get on so well l, we are the same age. We've got the same interests. Same desires, and we're absolutely smitten With each other, we've known each other nearly 3 months now

Knowing someone for three months and dating them for six weeks isn't proving anything, I'm afraid. You barely know each other and you are both only just out of rehab. You are two traumatised addicts with serious mental health problems and you already have four children. Having a baby with your boyfriend would be an awful, irresponsible and possibly dangerous decision. The fact that you couldn't manage to sort out contraception between the two of you doesn't bode well for co-parenting a child. I feel extremely sorry for your existing kids.

You'd be mad to have a baby with this man. I'm sure it would negatively affect you to terminate but frankly you're not the most important person here - your 4 kids plus this hypothetical child are more important than you. Do the smart thing, and get your contraception sorted.

I’m afraid I had a termination in a similar situation -I went on to marry and have a son with same person ( still married 30 years on )

You’ve only known this man for 3 months and you met in less than ideal circumstances and whilst you say you’re now sober you are still in the very early stages of recovery. How long have you been sober? How long has he been sober? It sounds like it hasn’t been long at all.

I know having an abortion might not be an option you wish to consider but if you do decide to go ahead with this pregnancy you need to ensure you have the support in place that you will need

All I can read in your post is 'me, me, me'. How about your kids? Don't they deserve to have a good life and a mother they can rely on?

How do people say so confidently that someone they don't know should have an abortion? The situation certainly is not ideal in many ways. If the OP has a breakdown or goes back on the booze because of having an abortion, this isn't going to help her kids. The pregnancy was a huge mistake but it happened and I'm not sure the simple have an abortion is going to be a great fix, it's a complicated situation. I'm not big on therapy, but in this case I think they need professional help to untangle it all.

I'm guessing the reason why the older two would be (understabably) unhappy with this situation is because they have been through this before and knows what impact it will have on everyone. You haven't been able to create a stable environment for you kids thus far, maybe it's time to put them first and at least try and do that before it's too late.

You've know this person 5 minutes and decided to have a baby with him. WTF?

There is a reason why relationships in these circumstances are discouraged and, no, you haven't proved anyone wrong and you are not going to be the exception you clearly believe you are. This guaranteed shitshow is not fair to any of the existing children and is not the answer to either of your past traumas. What a burden that would be for anyone, let alone a child.

You obviously want a baby so will tell yourself whatever you need to in order to justify your decisions but this isn't going to end well and that just isn't fair to anyone

Those lines are very weak, can hardly see them. Possibly you aren’t pregnant?

I also wondered this.

This is not a good idea for your existing children and the one you are pregnant with. I don’t think you are in a healthy position to have a baby mentally and likely physically. Someone you’ve been in a relationship with for 3 months is frankly not long enough. You need to take some responsibility here for the current situation. Why no effective birth control?

You really need to take some responsibility and use proper contraception! This is unbelievable and you don’t seem mature enough or stable enough to have another child. Sorry this is harsh but think of the other factors!!

Why don't people use contraceptives when they have sex and are not planning on having a baby?

Genuinely don't get it...

If you had unprotected sex then you are actively trying for a baby... so what's the problem?

You've known this man for three months. You've been seeing him for a matter of weeks. You can't possibly know anything whatsoever about this man. That you met him in rehab is a massive red flag.

You sound like you're going to keep the baby, but I think you need to be prepared for a hard road ahead of you if you do. And one without this man by your side.

Have you considered your children in all of this? It doesn't sound like any of them have had a particularly stable upbringing. And your attention will be on a new baby and away from them when it sounds like they've had times when you've not been there for them.

How will you all be affected financially? Four children is already a lot.

I think you're deep in the fantasy of this very new relationship. You imagine a happy ever after, something you've probably craved since your childhood trauma.

You got pregnant by an abusive ex partner, you got pregnant a couple of weeks into this relationship. Are you desperate for a child that you believe is the fix to everything? Did you deliberately not use contraception because you so want this fantasy to play out.

I think you need therapy more than you need another child. Therapy will help you come to terms with what has happened to you in way that a baby or drink or the dizzy start of a relationship won't.

They've been in a relationship for 6 weeks.