Pregnant in a new relationship

[Mummyofour]

I'm looking for some advice it's a bit of a long story, I have a 20-year-old, 18-year-old a 14-year-old and a twelve-year-old. We're very close family and i never anticipated having any more children. Unfortunately, a couple of years ago I had a breakdown due to childhood trauma. It led me to drinking excessively, and I have mental health issues. I ended up in rehab where I have dealt with a lot of stuff. I'm now sober. I'm feeling a lot better. while I was in rehab. I met a man, a lovely, lovely man, and we had a strong connection instantly, once we left rehab, we began a relationship together. While it's frowned upon by some, we are proven that wrong. We get on so well l, we are the same age. We've got the same interests. Same desires, and we're absolutely smitten With each other, we've known each other nearly 3 months now. And we've been together for 6 weeks. Unfortunately, about seven years ago, he had a little girl and she didn't make it due to complications, he then went on to have a little boy who is now 6 years old. Due to his addiction and trauma from his past, his only just started to try and rebuild his relationship with his son after not seeing him 2 years. He had a partner who faked a pregnancy. Just before he went into rehab. While he was in rehab.That partner died due to alcohol abuse.
Years ago I was raped, which led to pregnancy, and I terminated the pregnancy. It absolutely destroyed me. I went on to have my third and fourth child later on. And in an abusive relationship fell pregnant again and was forced to abort. Again it absolutely broke me. I never imagined having another child. But I find myself pregnant already. I can't imagine terminating this pregnancy for several reasons. Especially the fact i've been there,Done it and it broke me. And I don't think I'd be strong enough to do it again. I have not told my boyfriend yet. I'm trying to find the right time. And the right words, I'm terrified that this will be too much for him. And he will want me to abort. but at the same time, I think, with what he's been through. Maybe he will actually be quite happy. One of my 4 kids will be ecstatic. The older 2 won't be happy. The youngest will be indifferent.
My mental health and my age are obviously factors in this decision, as is my boyfriend's views. We have talked about our future together and how we feel. We have been through hell and back to meet each other, Unfortunately, at no point did we discuss the potential possibility of having a child! I'm just looking for anyone who might have been in a similar situation. Or some advice on a good way to tell him from what I've told you.
Thanks in advance.

Rehab friendships aren’t a great idea, rehab relationships are a definite no. Especially so soon after leaving. Are you doing aftercare?

You are both in the early stages of recovery, a relationship, let alone a baby, is a terrible idea. You will both feel that it’s meant to be and that you are each other’s soul mates but this is very unlikely to be the reality.

You should both be focussing solely on your recovery for at least the next 12 months (aside from the children you already have).

You've been with this addict, who abandoned his own son, for just six weeks, and you are seriously thinking about keeping his baby? This would be a disaster.

I won’t tell you what to do regarding your pregnancy, but I am going to gently point out some things you should consider:

1. This is a serious risk to your sobriety regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy. Even if you keep the pregnancy it’s not all sunshine and rainbows as you are no doubt aware. It’s a lot of stress and pressure to put on an extremely new relationship where you have both suffered trauma and recent addiction issues.

2. There is very good reason for not starting or entering into a relationship so soon into recovery. Firstly you’ve shared a joint experience at rehab which has made you feel an intense bond, but this is not yet a real relationship, it is not yet proven and tested in the real world. All new relationships suffer set backs and those set back are all the more precarious for you both because you are both still in recovery and it’s far too easy to tie that recovery/sobriety to each other. The enmeshed nature of this then means that should either one of you ever relapse, it’s likely you will end up relapsing together. This can very very quickly become a toxic cycle from which you will find it difficult to escape.

3. you need to be extremely aware of the above points. Even if he’s happy with the pregnancy, and even if it’s a smooth pregnancy and all seems happy for now, that is rarely still the case once the baby actually arrives and the real work starts. Completely happy, healthy stable couples struggle to maintain their relationships so the odds here are truly against you and again which is why it’s such a huge risk to your sobriety.

Your order of priorities right now should be simply maintaining your sobriety and the children you already have who need you and that’s it. I’m sorry to sound so doom and gloom about everything, but sadly these are the facts. This man and this pregnancy are a risk to your sobriety and your children. You need to focus on being your own rock and the rock that your children need.

It’s your choice, but this sounds like it’s going to create even more instability for your existing children. A 6 week relationship is hardly proof that relationships that start in rehab aren’t a bad idea. Yours/his children have already been through a lot. They deserve parents that focus on them for a while to repair the relationship after what I’m sure was a chaotic situation before you went.

Oh gosh what a tricky situation, but your current children do they live with you? They have had so much upheaval and uncertainty I’m not sure it’s goods to put them through more.

I guess you need to consider you might be alone again bringing another child up but neither of your circumstances stances as parents see ideal, you don’t know him yet at all, only what he has choose to show you.

I think this is the central point here, your children have witnessed and been on the journey you have been on. They are finally getting to a place of peace in their lives then this would turn it upside down again.

I think this is not about your feelings and more about your duty to them, sometimes you have to sacrifice and do the heartbreaking things to ensure your children have the best chances.

I have terminated twice. The first time was when I was in a desperate situation which included dv, my mum had a brain tumour and I had a young toddler who I was already struggling with. I wanted that baby with all my heart, but I knew it would be impossible for my mum and child.

the second time I was in a loving relationship, it was our second child, but our first has so many complex life long needs he is perfect but takes up everything. My oldest child is already got little of my time and my step children are not settled. This one was so much harder because I love my husband, I love my family we have the material resources to have a child but not the emotional capacity. Again this absolutely killed me inside I wanted that child so much, but I knew everyone around me would suffer.

I certainly won’t tell you termination is the right route, only you can make that choice- but you have to factor in the consequences on your existing children as well as the stress this might bring to you and your partner- you both recently been through rehab this might be a change that reverses the progress you both have bravely made.

A 6 week relationship with a fellow ex-addict and just out of rehab? Sorry, op, this is terrible timing for a new baby. Think of your existing children.

So not only have you children been through hell while you were in active addiction and then in rehab, you’re now putting a six week shag higher on your list of priorities than them.

What on earth were you thinking getting into a relationship straight out of rehab? You should have been focusing on repairing your relationship with your poor children.

This situation was already a complete disaster. To be considering bringing a baby into it as well, why would you do that.

Please don't go through with it. Think of your children and the trauma they have been through. Six weeks- I have ham in my fridge older than that. Think with your head on this one. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

You can't bring another child into this! You have known each other 5 mins, you have been in recovery 5 mins, it will all end in tears.

I know it's not what you want to hear OP but I really think that you should terminate and focus on looking after yourself and your children.

Are you even pregnant?

You need to put your 4 children first. This is a brand new boyfriend. You both have poor mental health and are addicts. Your children will be traumatised from seeing you like that. Having another baby would be very selfish.

while I was in rehab. I met a man, a lovely, lovely man, and we had a strong connection instantly, once we left rehab, we began a relationship together. While it's frowned upon by some, we are proven that wrong. We get on so well l, we are the same age. We've got the same interests. Same desires, and we're absolutely smitten With each other, we've known each other nearly 3 months now. And we've been together for 6 weeks.

WTF?! You're not proving anyone wrong?! You've been together 6 weeks?!

And surely after 4 kids you know about contraception? Or was this planned?

Anyway, no matter the advice on here I'm sure you will decide to keep the baby so best of luck to you, and especially to your children.

Oh OP.

You are making this out to be some fairy tale. It really is not that. 3 months out of an institution and you believe that this was meant to be and you have made it. No, sadly you have bonded over trauma is what has happened.

Why do you think your older children won't be happy about this? Really think hard about that. It certainly sounds like if you continue with this pregnancy, you will gain a newborn and lose your older children. And you cannot be sure of a relationship after 3 months. So you could very well be a single mother to a newborn with estranged children.

Disaster written all over it.

Why are you having unprotected sex so early.

Protect yourself always.

Good luck

Addict behaviour

For a thousand good reasons that nobody should really have to explain to you, you should not keep the baby and you should end this relationship. Seems like everyone else on this thread shares my views as well. I feel sorry for your existing children to be honest.

Sorry but did I read correctly that you were in rehab 3 months ago? That’s a lot for your existing children to deal with. I think adding another baby would be very hard on them. I appreciate it’s not an easy decision.

Were SS involved at all?

You’ve been out of rehab for 6 weeks with someone who is also recovering for addiction.

I can’t seem this ending well OP. I very much doubt it’s a happily ever after.

Not to be rude OP, but if what you say is true then it seems your four children have not had a good mother for a long time. They have had to deal with your drinking and mental health issues along with all the abuse from your relationships because it does affect children. You should not be in a relationship at all right now. You need to get on your own two feet, find yourself and be the mother your children need.

Right now you are concentrating only on what you and a man you have known 3 months want. What about the children you already have? They deserve more from you. Try to focus on them and repair those relationships first. This is not a good situation to bring a new child into. It will break you more when your children come to hate you for these choices you are making today.

You are not totally better, OP. It takes time and this relationship is obscuring the realities of recovery for you. It is a long path that a few months in rehab will not solve. You haven’t proven anything with this relationship.
You sound like a runaway train and not stable enough to have another baby when you risk your kids’ stability by doing so.

Also, if you relapse, you could permanently damage the fetus. It’s a massive risk and so many things are stacked against this turning out well sadly.

Your poor existing children. You really do just intend to drag them from one shit show to another 🤷‍♀️