Pregnant in a new relationship

[Mummyofour]

I'm looking for some advice it's a bit of a long story, I have a 20-year-old, 18-year-old a 14-year-old and a twelve-year-old. We're very close family and i never anticipated having any more children. Unfortunately, a couple of years ago I had a breakdown due to childhood trauma. It led me to drinking excessively, and I have mental health issues. I ended up in rehab where I have dealt with a lot of stuff. I'm now sober. I'm feeling a lot better. while I was in rehab. I met a man, a lovely, lovely man, and we had a strong connection instantly, once we left rehab, we began a relationship together. While it's frowned upon by some, we are proven that wrong. We get on so well l, we are the same age. We've got the same interests. Same desires, and we're absolutely smitten With each other, we've known each other nearly 3 months now. And we've been together for 6 weeks. Unfortunately, about seven years ago, he had a little girl and she didn't make it due to complications, he then went on to have a little boy who is now 6 years old. Due to his addiction and trauma from his past, his only just started to try and rebuild his relationship with his son after not seeing him 2 years. He had a partner who faked a pregnancy. Just before he went into rehab. While he was in rehab.That partner died due to alcohol abuse.
Years ago I was raped, which led to pregnancy, and I terminated the pregnancy. It absolutely destroyed me. I went on to have my third and fourth child later on. And in an abusive relationship fell pregnant again and was forced to abort. Again it absolutely broke me. I never imagined having another child. But I find myself pregnant already. I can't imagine terminating this pregnancy for several reasons. Especially the fact i've been there,Done it and it broke me. And I don't think I'd be strong enough to do it again. I have not told my boyfriend yet. I'm trying to find the right time. And the right words, I'm terrified that this will be too much for him. And he will want me to abort. but at the same time, I think, with what he's been through. Maybe he will actually be quite happy. One of my 4 kids will be ecstatic. The older 2 won't be happy. The youngest will be indifferent.
My mental health and my age are obviously factors in this decision, as is my boyfriend's views. We have talked about our future together and how we feel. We have been through hell and back to meet each other, Unfortunately, at no point did we discuss the potential possibility of having a child! I'm just looking for anyone who might have been in a similar situation. Or some advice on a good way to tell him from what I've told you.
Thanks in advance.

I was on the pill in my case , used correctly - I still got pregnant , was early to mid 30s at time.

there is a wise line of advice here - having an abortion will be hard but so will having a baby.

Please get some urgent counselling OP so you can make the best decision for yourself and all the current children in this situation - don't let past trauma drive your decision

No one here can tell you what to do. It seems crazy to me to keep a baby in those circumstances but only you can make the decision. I hate to be rude but you really need to sort out contraception in the future. I mean you clearly know how getting pregnant happens at this stage in your life surely.

Wow, I am glad i live a very colorful life.

Meeting someone in rehab and thinking you will have a life together just after 6 weeks in wild to me, maybe I am too boring.

Do you not think your children have had enough disruption? Should being a parent to them not be your priority?
You don't just 'end up' pregnant you have to have unprotected sex so presumably it's not that much of a surprise.
6 weeks doesn't prove anything other than you are too busy with another unsuitable man to focus on your recovery and your children.
For goodness sake, abort the pregnancy, end the relationship and rebuild your life with the children you already have.

You are both vulnerable people, both with an exceptionally challenging history.

You need to stop and think about what you learnt in rehab.

Six weeks is not evidence of a lasting relationship.

Having a child now would not be of benefit to anyone.

I do however, wish you the very best of luck with whatever you decide.

seems like he would be mad to have a baby with her also. Let's be honest here, people need to heal in these situations before anything

For fucks sake. You don't just "find yourself pregnant". Take some responsibility. Think of your existing children and don't continue with the pregnancy.

This.

Given the circumstances I personally think that having the baby will break you more than having the termination.

I think abortion and sterilisation may be the best outcome here.

What a mess - I have food in my cupboards I’ve owned longer than you’ve known this man

OP this is a disaster and you thinking of keeping this baby is utter madness. You and your DP are both recovering addicts freshly out of rehab. You and he shouldn't even be in a relationship, let alone expecting a baby together. And no, you haven't proved anyone wrong on that point - smitten you may be - but you've only known him for 12 weeks!!!

FGS grow up and start behaving like a responsible adult. You're an addict who has four DC already and having another one with a man you barely know, who's an addict himself, is the definition of insanity. Your poor kids 😢

There is no way any of us can tell you want the right thing to do is going to be. I can absolutely see how both of your past experiences would make it very difficult to make the decision to end the pregnancy (I don’t know that I could do it in your shoes either). I do think sometimes life puts situations in our hands so we can prove to ourselves how well we can do them now.

That said, whatever you decide, please put support in place to protect your sobriety and also to protect yourself if he doesn’t stay sober. I am 2 years and 8 months sober as of yesterday 🙌🏼 and I can say that it’s not an easy road. I have stayed sober, but lots of people struggle with relapse. The postnatal period is a particularly vulnerable one for sober women, and parenting when you have experiences of childhood trauma can throw all sorts of curveballs when you would not expect it. Just look out for yourself and protect your sobriety and be willing to put measures in place to stay safe if he crashes and burns. You need to be well for your children and not be sidetracked by a man, however lovely.

I know it’s not what you want to hear @Mummyofour but this is a recipe for disaster.

There is absolutely no way you can know someone fully after knowing them for three months. The fact that you both have a troubled past that lead you both to rehab isn’t great and there’s a reason these relationships are frowned upon. A relationship is tough enough with just one person who has/had mental health or addiction issues let alone both parties.

You need to have a long hard think about what life with another baby would mean for all of your children and also if you’d be willing to raise this child alone because as harsh as it sounds, you don’t know this man properly and he could turn around and abandon you and this baby in a flash.

You have no idea if this man will slip back into old habits and you need to ask if that’s really the type of risk you want to take with the father of your child?

Your Current children have obviously been put through a lot in their childhood with your issues, maybe now is the time to be focusing on them not bringing another life and another former addict into the mix.

Bluntly you are two addicts who got together in rehab (which is a terrible idea in and of itself - if you value your sobriety you should not be in a relationship with him)... you dont even know each other and you want to drag another child into this mess?

The Amazon return window is longer than 6 weeks...

Get an abortion.

I feel especially sorry for your 12 and 14 yr old who have no agency and are absolute collateral damage in all this.... who was caring for them while you were in rehab meeting your new boyfriend???

Wise words

I think OP was likely testing before her period is due, when hormone levels are still very low. There's plenty of positive tests like this on the conception boards.

OP, can you find someone in real life to talk this through with? Your GP might be able to arrange counselling?

I'm sorry, but if you're having unprotected sex then you're trying for a baby. You can't just pretend like this was an accident when the reality and your history proves otherwise, deciding to have a child needs to be a conscious choice not just a whoops well I might as well have it anyway. I'm sorry your life has been difficult and you've struggled with alcohol and bad relationships but this is not the way to fix things.

Op, having a fifth child with a man you barely know, 3 months out of rehab is a very poor idea. I would not continue with the pregnancy, it is overwhelmingly likely it will make you and your children’s life, as well as this man’s, so much harder.

Op, is it possible for you to step back and look af what you wrote cold.

you’re three months out of rehab,
you have formed an unsuitable relationship that is only 6 weeks old when you should be focusing on being sober and your children
your children will have been through massive chaos and disruption, due to the reason you were in rehab as well as the stint there, both will have massively traumatised them.
youve gone all mills and boon with the absolute shite about going through hell to be together and how you’ve proven everyone wrong.
You’ve proven no one wrong, come back in ten years both of you sober, and together and you can say that,
the man doesn’t have any meaningful relationship with his child, he maybe trying to form one but the trauma to the child and the fact he was in there will like your kids have a massive impact, it is likely he will never manage it.
you know if will cause more damage to your existing children,

and yet here you are, 6 weeks into a relationship, 3 months out of rehab and considering inflicting more damage.

can you see it in any way?

Exactly this. There were children like this at my dc’s primary school. They were so neglected and looked so depressed. No joy and in and out of care. I felt so sorry for them. I used to give them clothes and stuff but nothing else I could do - their home life was joyless and chaotic.

1. i would retest with first morning urine and read the rest within the allotted time
2. once you have done that, it you have a sponsor or counselor, it is time to reach out. In this case, I would talk to them before you talk to him. Both of you are still at a fragile point in your sobriety.
3. I’m going to try to say this as kindly as possible. If you are recently out of rehab, you know that your children are not enough incentives to keep you sober. They have been through hell. Please consider them as you make any plans. That might be in your own decisions or it might be in finding them direct support.

Sorry OP but I very much doubt that if you have this baby, you and new guy will still be together in 18 months time. I say this as someone who had a baby within a very new relationship.
Babies are incredibly stressful and majority of men find the whole thing quite difficult, even without trauma or addiction issues.
This is very unlikely to work out well, and probably isn't very fair on existing children.

we've known each other nearly 3 months now. And we've been together for 6 weeks

As the saying goes, everyone has condiments much older than this in the fridge. This is no time at all and proves nothing apart from extremely poor judgement🤦‍♀️. Given your issues, would you not have thought the best path forward at this particular point is to throw everything into the relationship with your current kids as opposed to grabbing onto a penis from rehab? Poor judgement.