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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He said "you deserve to be in an abusive relationship"

81 replies

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:07

Had a row with my boyfriend last night. He's always had a bit of a temper but he outdid himself last night by telling me that I deserve to be in an abusive relationship. I was just so shocked and taken aback. He genuinely didn't seem to think what he had said was that bad.

But it is that bad, isn't it?

I'd said to him "I just can't win with you" and he got really annoyed about that too; English isn't his first language so he thought I actually wanted to "win" the argument, when what I meant was that whatever I say, it will annoy him. So he was already riled.

He spent about an hour ranting at me and telling me what a vile and selfish person I am. One major complaint is that I can't change my contact days with my kids to enable us to have a long weekend. But their father won't agree, and it is out of my hands. Bf thinks I shouldn't have asked I should have just told him days were changing but I can't because there is a court order in place.

I am especially upset because he knows I have been in relationships which abuse has occured in, and then he says that this is what I deserve.

I feel like it is the point of no return now. I don't see how I can continue with him if he is saying stuff like this.

OP posts:
Shittyyear2025 · 10/12/2025 14:11

ANYONE who says something like that to their supposed partner needs to be dumped straight away.

Ltb.

You can't change your days with the DC due to a court order, sounds like that's just one of a load of things that means this relationship is doomed. He is being abusive by making you feel shit.

LapisBlue · 10/12/2025 14:12

Dump him IMMEDIATELY. Toute suite. At once. Now. Pronto.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2025 14:13

It is the point of no return.

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not date at all further until your boundaries are a lot higher. Men like this hate women and can and do damage already weakened boundaries. HE is the vile selfish person here; not you.

I hope you never introduced this man to your children.

PolkaDotPorridge · 10/12/2025 14:14

Which idiots voted stay with him? Surely an error?

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:16

@AttilaTheMeerkat no I didn't, they are not aware of his existence at all.

I'm starting a programme which the domestic abuse service where I live offers starting in Feb. They said it's like the FP.

OP posts:
Allmychickenscometoroost · 10/12/2025 14:18

PolkaDotPorridge · 10/12/2025 14:14

Which idiots voted stay with him? Surely an error?

I bet it's those idiots who like to be sarcastic and think they're oh so clever 🙄 twats

@heresay The point of no return was way before this latest vile comment from this vile human being, it was him arguing with you and trying to get you to break a court order for your children's contact days.

How peaceful would your life be without this POS around? How much would your dc benefit by having a peaceful mother?

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:20

Shittyyear2025 · 10/12/2025 14:11

ANYONE who says something like that to their supposed partner needs to be dumped straight away.

Ltb.

You can't change your days with the DC due to a court order, sounds like that's just one of a load of things that means this relationship is doomed. He is being abusive by making you feel shit.

He will be nice as anything for a few days or sometimes weeks then suddenly he snaps and says really cruel and personal things. Or just something really outrageous like that I deserve to be in an abusive relationship.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2025 14:23

Good re this programme you will be starting. If you can in addition do the Freedom Program also so much the better. And well done also for keeping your DC away from him.

His apparent niceness is really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:26

Allmychickenscometoroost · 10/12/2025 14:18

I bet it's those idiots who like to be sarcastic and think they're oh so clever 🙄 twats

@heresay The point of no return was way before this latest vile comment from this vile human being, it was him arguing with you and trying to get you to break a court order for your children's contact days.

How peaceful would your life be without this POS around? How much would your dc benefit by having a peaceful mother?

He just didn't seem to appreciate that their dad and me had to go to court because we couldn't agree on virtually nothing so why would their dad agree to swap days. It is like he took it personally.

I agree I might be abit more peaceful without worrying about him. Which I do a lot.

OP posts:
heresay · 10/12/2025 14:29

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2025 14:23

Good re this programme you will be starting. If you can in addition do the Freedom Program also so much the better. And well done also for keeping your DC away from him.

His apparent niceness is really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

It is so cliche but I really thought he had changed this time around as he had been nothing but nice for longer than normal and seemed to understand me really well at this point.

And now he has just flung this in my face and it has really hurt my feeling.

OP posts:
NebulousSadTimes · 10/12/2025 14:30

He just didn't seem to appreciate that ...

He understands fine, he just wants to see you twisting yourself in tighter and tighter knots to try and get him to understand.

I'm glad you will be doing the programme. Meantime, please take all safety measures when ending things with this 'man', they don't take kindly to being rejected. Please try and get support from the DA services for this if you need it. Do not underestimate how angry he will be and how justified he will feel for wanting to punish you.

Flowers
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2025 14:31

He just told you what you wanted to hear and fooled you long enough into thinking he had changed. Such men are master manipulators so do not beat up yourself entirely. Abusive men do not change, they just want you to think that they have.

Dollymylove · 10/12/2025 14:34

Hell fire are you still with this moron?
Don't waste another minute. Get him out of your life asap

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/12/2025 14:35

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:29

It is so cliche but I really thought he had changed this time around as he had been nothing but nice for longer than normal and seemed to understand me really well at this point.

And now he has just flung this in my face and it has really hurt my feeling.

This is called breadcrumbing. He throws you enough crumbs to keep you, because if he was nasty all the time, you'd leave.

If he's not met the kids, he doesn't live with you, yes? Then it's really easy to get rid of him. So do so.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/12/2025 14:37

Allmychickenscometoroost · 10/12/2025 14:18

I bet it's those idiots who like to be sarcastic and think they're oh so clever 🙄 twats

@heresay The point of no return was way before this latest vile comment from this vile human being, it was him arguing with you and trying to get you to break a court order for your children's contact days.

How peaceful would your life be without this POS around? How much would your dc benefit by having a peaceful mother?

At 53 votes, 2% is one person. Either an MRA, or their finger slipped.

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:49

Dollymylove · 10/12/2025 14:34

Hell fire are you still with this moron?
Don't waste another minute. Get him out of your life asap

Haven't spoke to him today as working. No plans to see each other today though normally would see him weekend.

I know I need to end it but when I have done that in the past he has reacted quite badly.

So I am sort of not finished with him but also feel detached from him as he was so nasty.

OP posts:
heresay · 10/12/2025 14:50

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2025 14:31

He just told you what you wanted to hear and fooled you long enough into thinking he had changed. Such men are master manipulators so do not beat up yourself entirely. Abusive men do not change, they just want you to think that they have.

I feel so completely stupid.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 10/12/2025 15:00

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:49

Haven't spoke to him today as working. No plans to see each other today though normally would see him weekend.

I know I need to end it but when I have done that in the past he has reacted quite badly.

So I am sort of not finished with him but also feel detached from him as he was so nasty.

He reacts badly when you don't finish with him as well though?

Dump him now and you've just got to get through this period of him being a twat.

Don't dump him and you'll have many occasions of utter twattishness periodically spaced out but gradually getting closer and closer together until all there is is utter twattishness for the rest of your life.

Topseyt123 · 10/12/2025 15:02

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:49

Haven't spoke to him today as working. No plans to see each other today though normally would see him weekend.

I know I need to end it but when I have done that in the past he has reacted quite badly.

So I am sort of not finished with him but also feel detached from him as he was so nasty.

Do I understand that you don't actually live together? You say you won't see him till the weekend.

Just end it now and don't give a shit what he thinks or how he reacts if you don't live together. If he starts trying to harass and threaten you then call the police.

If it is your house then just change the locks while he is out, if he has a key. Don't open the door to let him back in again. Put any stuff of his outside in bin bags for him to collect and then block him on everything.

He won't change and this or worse with keep happening.

Allmychickenscometoroost · 10/12/2025 15:07

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:26

He just didn't seem to appreciate that their dad and me had to go to court because we couldn't agree on virtually nothing so why would their dad agree to swap days. It is like he took it personally.

I agree I might be abit more peaceful without worrying about him. Which I do a lot.

He understands perfectly why you can't do it. He just doesn't care

look up the cycle of abuse, his behaviour will make sense to you.

Bananalanacake · 10/12/2025 15:11

It's good he doesn't live with you, well done on not letting him meet your DC.

TheAvidWriter · 10/12/2025 15:16

Listen OP, he is showing you who he is, and how he feels about you. Stop for a minute, then tell yourself you are worthy of love and respect, him is neither of those. Then what you need to do is detach from him.

If your friend came to you asking you what she should do in this scenario, what would you say to her?
He will always say he is sorry, and tell you what he knows you need to hear in order for him to keep you where he needs you. These kind of men will say he does not understand you or that he misunderstood you, all to gain control. He is showing you how he feels you need to be conditioned into what he needs, and believe me it will get worse. Much worse if you stay. This kind of abuse only escalates. Find your worth, its not found in this man.

Luckyingame · 10/12/2025 15:19

Get rid and don't look back.
Good that your children don't know him.
Piece of shit would say this to me once.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/12/2025 15:28

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:49

Haven't spoke to him today as working. No plans to see each other today though normally would see him weekend.

I know I need to end it but when I have done that in the past he has reacted quite badly.

So I am sort of not finished with him but also feel detached from him as he was so nasty.

I know I need to end it but when I have done that in the past he has reacted quite badly.

If there's any possibility that he's copied a key, change the locks. Then send him one message stating that you don't want to see him again and block him on everything.

Don't explain why you are ending it.

  1. If he can't look at his own behaviour and figure out why you've ditched him, that's his problem.
  2. It's not your responsibility to civilise him. His parents should have done that.
  3. Arguing with him is a waste of your time and gives him a route to try to change your mind. Your time is precious and you really really don't want him to wheedle his way into an Nth chance.
BauhausOfEliott · 10/12/2025 15:29

heresay · 10/12/2025 14:20

He will be nice as anything for a few days or sometimes weeks then suddenly he snaps and says really cruel and personal things. Or just something really outrageous like that I deserve to be in an abusive relationship.

That's what abusive men are like. They're rarely abusive 24/7 - they mess with your head by being really nice at times, and then you're persuaded into thinking the niceness is the 'real' them and the abusive behaviour is the exception. In reality it's the other way round.

Honestly, get rid of him. He's repulsive.

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