He said "you deserve to be in an abusive relationship"

[heresay]

Had a row with my boyfriend last night. He's always had a bit of a temper but he outdid himself last night by telling me that I deserve to be in an abusive relationship. I was just so shocked and taken aback. He genuinely didn't seem to think what he had said was that bad.

But it is that bad, isn't it?

I'd said to him "I just can't win with you" and he got really annoyed about that too; English isn't his first language so he thought I actually wanted to "win" the argument, when what I meant was that whatever I say, it will annoy him. So he was already riled.

He spent about an hour ranting at me and telling me what a vile and selfish person I am. One major complaint is that I can't change my contact days with my kids to enable us to have a long weekend. But their father won't agree, and it is out of my hands. Bf thinks I shouldn't have asked I should have just told him days were changing but I can't because there is a court order in place.

I am especially upset because he knows I have been in relationships which abuse has occured in, and then he says that this is what I deserve.

I feel like it is the point of no return now. I don't see how I can continue with him if he is saying stuff like this.

It sounds like you’re already in an abusive relationship OP. Please don’t stay with anyone who treats you so horribly.

You’re not stupid at all. Abusive partners will always act badly when you try to end the relationship. I don’t know how many times it took me before I finally refused to give in - the tactic they use is to make leaving them so unbearable that it’s easier to give in just to make it stop, and then they’ll be absolutely lovely for awhile afterwards. You’ll end up thinking everything’s fixed, and just when you finally relax then it’ll be right back to the nastiness. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that reprograms all of what you think is normal and makes you question your most basic instincts.

Hold firm and know that you can get through it. You absolutely don’t deserve to be in an abusive relationship.

I know I need to end it but when I have done that in the past he has reacted quite badly.

And that's exactly why this time you need to end it for good rather than going back to him.

He may indeed be horrible to you when you end it. But as he is also horrible to you when you don't end it, you are still better off dumping him. Better to get rid of him and have to deal with the short term unpleasantness of that confrontation than to be bloody trapped with him and facing a whole fucking lifetime of unpleasantness because you're scared to chuck him.

I think in your situation I might consider breaking the news to him in a public place, during the day. There is a limit to what he can do in terms of his reaction then because there will be witnesses. I assume he doesn't have a key to your house or anything? If so, you'll need to consider changing the locks. When you do end it, you also need to make it clear that you won't answer phone calls and messages from him, and you need to stick to that and block him on everything if he keeps trying to contact you.

Interesting you should say that as he said that "I have loads of problems and so does he" and he thought that we would be able to support each other.

But that hasn't been the case because I am so self-absorbed and he "doesn't understand me" as if I am a really weird complicated person.

I spent all of Friday and a large part of Saturday listening to him describe his problems, from his childhood trauma to his current health complaints and money worries.

I spent all of Friday and a large part of Saturday listening to him describe his problems, from his childhood trauma to his current health complaints and money worries.

@heresay can you think of nicer things you could be doing on a Friday evening/Saturday? I would be making a list of better ways to spend my weekends without this dead weight around your neck. He sounds like a 'energy vampire' and a sponge, one of those people who suck your energy and deplete you. Once you break up with him, none of his issues will be your problem any longer.

Please say you're going to break up with this awful man. He's taking energy and emotional resources from you that you could be using for yourself and your children.

Tell him, that whatever he thinks, you've decided not to be ... so it's over, finished, ended!

He won't like another man making decisions that he can't. He can try to force the issue of changing days but ultimately only your ex can make it happen. Notice his anger is directed at you and not the decision maker.

Of course you don't deserve to be in an abusive relationship. This will never stop though. As others have said, these men hate women. They like abusing them. The nice mask is simply that, it's a mask. It's very convincing because they need to draw you back in.

If he'd said all that on your first date there'd have been a 'heresay' shaped hole in the wall as you ran like the wind away from this revolting man.

You asked your ex to change days and he said no. This was followed by a tirade of abuse. It all stems from wanting a long weekend together? Your ex did you a favour. No one should be enabling you to spend even more time with this man.
❤

You are not stupid at all OP ❤️
You just arent ready to be back in a relationship right now, your 'picker' isnt working right - its healing, but its still not quite where it needs to be to steer you away from dickheads. Its not just about going for the right guy, its being able to firmly stay away from the wrong guys. You need more time, and thats okay! And your kids need a mum who brain space isnt taken up with arsehole behaviour. You NEED that time and energy to focus on healing and getting your 'picker' right, and your kids - you wont be losing anything by getting rid of a man who gives you stress, you will only gain. Wishing you the best.

Run and keep running and don't look back.

That is so true that he is mad at me not my ex.
I have told bf that ex and I don't get on well so I don't know why he expected ex to say anything except "no" about changing contact day around.

He was also mad because he'd texted me about going away mid week and I'd not replied because I was working and he'd sent me about 10 texts and I hadn't noticed the one about going away mid week and by that point it was too late to organise anything. I suggested next week instead but he said he will be busy then - because he wants to "mirror" my (?bad?) behaviour - to teach me. I don't think my behaviour was that bad, I genuinely don't. He was really rude about my work - it is important but not very well paid - so when I said I'd been dealing with emergencies all day he started taking the piss and saying they weren't real emergencies. And didn't I have 2 seconds to send him a text? But I'd called him in my lunch hour, he didn't mention going away till we were hanging up, I can't extend lunch-break and make it up at the end of the day it has to be exactly half an hour.

So now in the cold light of day I am wondering, did he manufacture this argument about going away midweek?

It seems like there is a bit of a control battle between your boyfriend and the father of your kids. It could possibly be a good thing if your ex was abusive. If he knows your ex was abusive, he might think it's not good for him to have too much control over things and just to tell him that visitation is changing. The court order does need to be abided though. You could fight it if you wanted to but is it worth it I wonder. Your boyfriend shouldn't have said that to you. It is an awful thing to say. If it's an isolated thing with him, he needs to seriously make it up to you. However as you said hes always had a bit of a temper. I would seriously rethink your relationship. Your priority should be yourself and your kids at the moment. Make sure you're thinking in 'i need, I feel' terms and not 'he wants, he needs, he thinks etc'

''I don't know why he expected ex to say anything except "no" about changing contact day around''

He was fairly confident that he'd say no, so this could be an endless opportunity to abuse you.

''So now in the cold light of day I am wondering, did he manufacture this argument about going away midweek?''

Yes, it's more than possible. That's another trick, spoiling events.

OP you don't need to analyse every interaction. You know he's a vile, abusive pig. This will never stop. He will twist everything you do and say. You can't win this. He enjoys abusing you.

He won't stop it but you can, by ending it and sticking to it. I know it's hard and so tempting to think it'll be ok if you can just draw out the nice side permanently. The nice side is an act, he's not the man you want him to be.

People don’t say things like that to people they like, that should really say it all. He sounds horrible. Don’t waste anymore time on someone who feels contempt for you.

Does it matter? He's a bell end either way. In 20 years I have never tried to "teach DP a lesson", and neither has she.

That's not how people who love each other behave. He doesn't love you, he just wants a pliable little servant who bends to his every whim.

Dump him, before he gets the chance to turn you into one.

I guess I want it to make sense to me even though overall he as a person doesn't make sense.

IYSWIM.

That is probably true but really upsetting, I don't like the idea of somebody actively enjoying being abusive, to me or indeed anybody.

It'll never make sense to you because you're not him.

You'll never be able to understand him because you'll never be able to think like him. You don't get pleasure from upsetting someone you love, from wrong footing them, from keeping them off kilter. He does that because he enjoys the feeling, it makes him feel powerful, like he's in control.

He needs you because you validate him, you make him feel like the big man, like he has power. He doesn't love you. He loves the feeling your fear inspires in him.

You'll never be able to understand him, because you're not an utterly sick fuck.

Get rid! Just think about your calm, stress-free life without him in it 🧘‍♀️

What a piece of excrement this man is. He’s enjoying upsetting you. Disgusting.

Very manipulative too, getting you to feel sorry for him. All to abuse you later.

Get rid of him. And never speak to him again. He’s just saying he’s entitled to abuse you. To your face.

Sounds like a knob, language barrier or not. Get rid and don’t let him start having any influence over your precious children

I genuinely don't think he sees that he himself is abusive. More that I'm unreasonable and that going forward I deserve to be in an abusive relationship (not a nice one like this one is). He seems to think he's a great boyfriend and I should count myself extremely lucky to have met him. He was listing all the nice things he has done ... he doesn't realise it's not a cheques and balances system where he can be dick if he's cooked me a nice dinner, or he can hurt my feelings because last week he got me flowers etc. He literally seems to think it works like some kind of old-fashioned weighing scale ⚖️

But it's academic in a way at this point.

HIs intent doesn't matter. What matters is his behaviour's impact on you.

I reckon he knows exactly what he is doing OP. Don’t fall for it. He sounds very manipulative. I bet he loves the long chats where you explain it to him.

I know a guy who says stuff like this. His second wife just left him because he’s abusing her. Same as his first wife. Best you shut this down and cut him out of your life.

Don't. You are being abused. His behaviour is designed to make you feel like this.

I've done a course with WA like the one you are going to do. It really helped me understand what happened to me, why they behave like they do and how to deal/cope with it. I found it healing and it enabled me to move forward with my life.

This.

He does understand.

He still wants to punish you for it, because he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. He's not in control of this, so he's abusing you for not doing what he says. He knows you can't do what he says. He just doesn't like it. Therefore he pretends he doesn't understand because this lets him repeat the point and tell you to what to do anyway. He's well aware you can't change it, but he wants to make you feel guilty about that and like you haven't tried because that makes him feel better.