He said "you deserve to be in an abusive relationship"

[heresay]

Had a row with my boyfriend last night. He's always had a bit of a temper but he outdid himself last night by telling me that I deserve to be in an abusive relationship. I was just so shocked and taken aback. He genuinely didn't seem to think what he had said was that bad.

But it is that bad, isn't it?

I'd said to him "I just can't win with you" and he got really annoyed about that too; English isn't his first language so he thought I actually wanted to "win" the argument, when what I meant was that whatever I say, it will annoy him. So he was already riled.

He spent about an hour ranting at me and telling me what a vile and selfish person I am. One major complaint is that I can't change my contact days with my kids to enable us to have a long weekend. But their father won't agree, and it is out of my hands. Bf thinks I shouldn't have asked I should have just told him days were changing but I can't because there is a court order in place.

I am especially upset because he knows I have been in relationships which abuse has occured in, and then he says that this is what I deserve.

I feel like it is the point of no return now. I don't see how I can continue with him if he is saying stuff like this.

I bet it was HIM!!

This pattern of behaviour is in itself abusive, OP. He reels you in, lulls you into a false sense of security, then BAM - blindsides you with unexpected anger and cruelty that knocks you completely off balance.

The intervals between these episodes will get shorter and the abuse itself will get worse - I’m not guessing here, it’s a certainty. He wants you walking on eggshells and compliant, constantly striving to avoid setting him off.

He’s a fucking gigantic piece of shit and someone you absolutely do not need in your life. Thank god you’ve kept him away from your kids. Get rid and don’t even think of dating anyone else until you’ve completed your therapy programme and have set the boundaries you need to protect yourself from fuckers like him. You deserve - and should expect - so much more.

My friend said something similar it is absolutely mad how he will say such nice things to me and say I am a really nice person, he's even said he thinks I am a good mother for not introducing him to my kids, but then he equally has the ability to just whip the rug from out under my feet and say I am a horrible person, a monster, and the cause of all this misery in his life. He kept saying "I know I'm not an asshole, you have no feelings, you don't give a FUCK, I'm really glad I met you that confirm other people don't have feelings. You don't care. That's how you make me feel. You want to be fucked like a prostitute and then have someone walk away. You are not normal."

And that it's my fault he fell in love with me. And that I don't know even what being in love. I just need someone to abuse me.

Why are you listening to a word he says?

Everything he he says translates to "I'm a dickhead who will say whatever I can to make you think your in the wrong"

You're not in the wrong, remember that.

I know I need to end it but when I have done that in the past he has reacted quite badly.

That made my blood run cold, OP. It reminded me of murder trials in which a woman has made several unsuccessful attempts to break free before her partner kills her.

Please don’t risk that, OP.

Edited to add: I mean, please leave him and make it clear it’s over! And contact Women’s Aid or Refuge for advice if there’s any chance he may attack you xx

If he doesn't live with you then end it by text. Make sure to change your locks first if he's ever had a key.

You do not owe an unsafe person an in person breakup. He will try guilt you but do not be guilted.

Just text him that it's over, and never to contact you again. Once he's seen it, screenshot it then block him.

If you have any of his things, post them back to him via recorded delivery. Maybe ake a photo of them before you pack them, with the packing and at the post office too. Alternatively, drop them with his family (assuming he isn't there and that they are decent people that is).

He is a crazy narcissist and you would be wise to read up on narcissistic abuse and things like 'narrcisistic hoovering' and 'narcissist smear campaign' so you know what to expect when trying to escape him.

If he makes any threats, contact the police. If he makes suicide threats, do not respond, simply call the non emergency health reporting line and tell them the circumstances. They can decide if they want to send him an ambulance or not.

It's all manipulation. Don't be sucked in.
Don't answer the door if he shows up at your home.