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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner taking secret photos

92 replies

keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 20:35

Thankyou so much for reading in advance. I'm trying to understand this from his side and if I'm being unfair..

My partner and I have a one year old together.. recently (usually during an argument) he will say I'm being erratic and our toddler isnt safe and either orders me to leave or removes the baby upstairs. One time was when the baby was unwell (the morning with him had been quite stressful/ lots of crying) and I was putting him down with cows milk because he hadn't eaten and my partner came up and said he didn't want him having the cows milk because he doesn't usually have it (we had run out of formula) - he was pissed off any quite aggressive in his tone.. I argued that the baby does have milk for breakfast.. he then started ordering me repeatedly to leave.

The next time was when I didn't like how he spoke to my son (told him he was being rude and he wasn't') I stepped in and said he wasn't being rude - to which my partner said 'you see.. this is another one of those situations where you are acting erratically and I have to take the baby away again'

We were discussing this today over text and I was saying how he can't just keep taking the baby away from him when he feels I'm being 'unsafe'.. he then sent me photos he had taken secretly while I was cooking dinner for the family yesterday showing various 'unsafe things' ..a oven pan on the top of a surface sitting slightly over the edge..an open baby gate..

he sent them to me as proof that I'm unsafe around our child... I'm not sure how to react or respond to this.. I'm trying to be as reasonable as possible and see his side.. he said if I don't accept this boundary of him removing our child from me when he feels I'm being unsafe he will leave.

OP posts:
Meem321 · 09/12/2025 20:44

Sounds like controlling gaslighting behaviour from him.

Justchillinhere · 09/12/2025 20:50

I would say see ya, seriously he is not being reasonable, i would be making an escape plan asap

pinkfondu · 09/12/2025 20:54

You need to leave

Jollyjoy · 09/12/2025 20:55

This is quite chilling, particularly how he has you wondering if you are erratic and trying to see it from his side. Absolutely this sounds like coercive control which is now well recognised as part of domestic abuse, is indeed a criminal offence now.

Nothing you have mentioned justifies him taking the baby from you or making you leave. It sounds alarming with the photos that he is trying to build some sort of case - just to control you with? I’d imagine he doesn’t have any intention of leaving, it’s just part of controlling you. Are there other ways he is controlling? Tries to make you believe you are crazy and he is reasonable?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/12/2025 20:59

Well good.
Let him leave.
Your life will improve immediately.

legalseagull · 09/12/2025 21:10

I find this terrifying. I’d worry he’s planning to take your child and call you an unfit mother. Beat him to it - leave him and take the baby

Runrunrudolph · 09/12/2025 21:12

Taking the baby away from you is 100% wrong OP.
His whole behaviour is extremely worrying.
I think you should seek advice from Women's Aid or some other organosation because I don't think this situation is safe for you.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/12/2025 21:30

How does he behave towards your older child?

Original poster
keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 21:31

Thankyou everyone for your replies.. he is very good with my older child.. it was just that one time I didn't like / agree with him calling him rude

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 09/12/2025 21:52

He’s told you he’s gathering evidence of you being an unfit mother.

He’s told you what he’s doing.

How are you going to respond?

Groundhogday2025 · 09/12/2025 21:57

Get out get out get out get out. Who takes a baby from its mother’s arms over an open stair gate and cows milk?! That’s emotional abuse, and it’s working because you are doubting yourself when you’re the victim. You need to save yourself and stop letting this man control you.

usethedata · 09/12/2025 22:01

Your response doesn't seem to get what people are saying here. This is really quite scary and I think you need to tell people what's going on, including women's aid but also close family or friends if you have people you can trust.

LatteLady · 09/12/2025 22:02

This is coercive control. it would be sensible to report this to your local Police, which is the start of your audit trail and then either remove him or yourself from the property.

You have done nothing wrong, he is gaslighting you; you are strong enough to deal with this for you and your child.

Justastupidgirl · 09/12/2025 22:06

This is the kind of coercive mindfuckery my ex husband used to do to me. You need to make plans OP. He is abusive and this will get worse.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 09/12/2025 22:13

Don't minimise his actions here, he's revving up to booting you out and keeping the baby. Get out of your own free will before he does, and speak to someone at Women's aid - you need professional advice here before you end up in court with someone hellbent on portraying you as a bad mother.

caringcarer · 09/12/2025 22:15

You don't need a person like this in your life. I'd ask him to leave or if h refuses, then leave yourself.

Fiftyandme · 09/12/2025 22:17

You’re with an abuser

cocog · 09/12/2025 22:26

Let him leave he’s gaslighting and abusing you he’s the child’s father if a gate is not shut it’s his job too to shut it parents both keep their children safe. If there’s no formula it’s also his job to go to the shop and buy it. Removing a child from there mum is weird and purely being done to distress you into compliance.
Let him leave in fact pack for him or take your child and leave yourself but get yourself away from him.

DysmalRadius · 09/12/2025 22:29

Just for starters though, I would really recommend not using his language when you talk about this. Describing yourself as 'unsafe' or 'erratic' , even in quotes, is buying into his attempts to skew your judgement and giving him 'evidence'. Before long, it will become the standard language you use and you will stop challenging it.

Lalgarh · 09/12/2025 22:31

By the way does he have access to your phone?

Change your pin code just in case.

Do you have joint bank account details?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 09/12/2025 22:31

BountifulPantry · 09/12/2025 21:52

He’s told you he’s gathering evidence of you being an unfit mother.

He’s told you what he’s doing.

How are you going to respond?

This: what the fuck.

also he obviously does all the cooking now.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 09/12/2025 22:32

caringcarer · 09/12/2025 22:15

You don't need a person like this in your life. I'd ask him to leave or if h refuses, then leave yourself.

I wouldn't. He will take the baby.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 09/12/2025 22:34

keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 21:31

Thankyou everyone for your replies.. he is very good with my older child.. it was just that one time I didn't like / agree with him calling him rude

He is abusing your older child's mother - you.

Please start making plans to leave this abusive relationship, and for goodness sake, don't let him know what you are doing.

OneGreySeal · 09/12/2025 22:35

I don’t think you realise how much trouble you are in op? You’re in a very abusive and controlling relationship which is about to escalate to your and kids detriment. You need an escape plan asap.