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Original poster

Partner taking secret photos

92 replies

keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 20:35

Thankyou so much for reading in advance. I'm trying to understand this from his side and if I'm being unfair..

My partner and I have a one year old together.. recently (usually during an argument) he will say I'm being erratic and our toddler isnt safe and either orders me to leave or removes the baby upstairs. One time was when the baby was unwell (the morning with him had been quite stressful/ lots of crying) and I was putting him down with cows milk because he hadn't eaten and my partner came up and said he didn't want him having the cows milk because he doesn't usually have it (we had run out of formula) - he was pissed off any quite aggressive in his tone.. I argued that the baby does have milk for breakfast.. he then started ordering me repeatedly to leave.

The next time was when I didn't like how he spoke to my son (told him he was being rude and he wasn't') I stepped in and said he wasn't being rude - to which my partner said 'you see.. this is another one of those situations where you are acting erratically and I have to take the baby away again'

We were discussing this today over text and I was saying how he can't just keep taking the baby away from him when he feels I'm being 'unsafe'.. he then sent me photos he had taken secretly while I was cooking dinner for the family yesterday showing various 'unsafe things' ..a oven pan on the top of a surface sitting slightly over the edge..an open baby gate..

he sent them to me as proof that I'm unsafe around our child... I'm not sure how to react or respond to this.. I'm trying to be as reasonable as possible and see his side.. he said if I don't accept this boundary of him removing our child from me when he feels I'm being unsafe he will leave.

OP posts:
OliveMoose · 10/12/2025 04:51

Maddy70 · 10/12/2025 04:43

While on first reading my instinct was he's planning to leave you and take the baby ....

However He may genuinely be worried for his child and feels you are unsafe.
Why didn't you have formula fir your baby?why was the gate left open ? Why was there a hot of water so near ?

He's either a massive gaslighting twat or he's a concerned parent

I disagree, if he was genuinely worried for his baby he would treat the mother of his baby with respect and kindness and be respectful to her too.

he isn’t!

ilovelamp82 · 10/12/2025 04:55

This is genuinely scary behaviour. Get out as soon as possible. Do not tell him that's what you're planning to do for your safety and get in contact with Women's aid as soon as possible.

moondip · 10/12/2025 05:23

It sounds like he’s trying to amass “evidence” (although it’s evidence of nothing) to use against you. Or, rather, threaten to use against you. I would also be taking screenshots of that WhatsApp convo where he’s sent you those pics/how he speaks to you - that is ACTUAL evidence of coercive-controlling behaviour from him towards you, which is a crime.

Blizzardofleaves · 10/12/2025 05:45

I think you need to save those messages and copies of the photos op, and tell someone that you trust what is happening. I would also inform your GP and ask for support with counselling. The GP notes can be used as evidence if you need them later down the line.

Please start preparing to leave this man. It is chilling to read how he treats you. He is trying to control you by taking the baby away he knows that is distressing and harmful. He is exercising power over you.

This will be an awful environment for your dc to grow up in, extremely damaging. The quicker you can safely leave, the better outcome for you all of you. Do you have family or friends op?

balletflatblister · 10/12/2025 06:23

You're in an abusive relationship. This will only escalate. Start thinking about how to leave

makeachange25 · 10/12/2025 06:43

I have been through this, it's coercive control and gaslighting. It's horrible and you can only realise how bad it is when you get it out.

Change all your passwords. And if you can keep a word diary of each day. You might need it as evidence in the future.

Be kind to yourself as he is being vile and you don't deserve this. Butt whatever you do, don't stay. It will only get worse and it will impact your kids.

Fiftyandme · 10/12/2025 07:32

Maddy70 · 10/12/2025 04:43

While on first reading my instinct was he's planning to leave you and take the baby ....

However He may genuinely be worried for his child and feels you are unsafe.
Why didn't you have formula fir your baby?why was the gate left open ? Why was there a hot of water so near ?

He's either a massive gaslighting twat or he's a concerned parent

The baby is 1 year old - you’re supposed to transition to formula. But why didn’t HE buy formula if he thinks it’s so bloody important? Why is it HER job?
The tray sticking out slightly - the baby is only 1 year old - they can’t even reach the counter top.

ClearFruit · 10/12/2025 07:52

Get yourself and your child away from this man.

Yourcousinrachel · 10/12/2025 08:13

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2025 23:32

Throw him out and change the locks or move away and don’t tell him go to a refuge if you have to. High up on the scale for a nut job, get your child away

This is dangerous advice, the OP is at risk when she goes against him, so her safety is paramount.

toonananana · 10/12/2025 08:38

Mine did this. Would follow me from room to room telling me how shit as a mum I was, how my dead mum would be ashamed of me, how I was used goods, etc. he’d then record any outbursts I’d have and now during divorce after he beat me in front of the children, he’s shared all his ‘evidence’ with a social worker who took his side! Leave. Now.

caringcarer · 10/12/2025 08:46

Don't wait to get a job to go. Go to Woman's Aid with DC. You can claim benefits until you get a job. That is what they are for.

herbalteabag · 10/12/2025 08:55

There is only one answer and that is to leave him. As others have said, it is coercive control and will not get better.

Hameth · 10/12/2025 08:58

Maddy70 · 10/12/2025 04:43

While on first reading my instinct was he's planning to leave you and take the baby ....

However He may genuinely be worried for his child and feels you are unsafe.
Why didn't you have formula fir your baby?why was the gate left open ? Why was there a hot of water so near ?

He's either a massive gaslighting twat or he's a concerned parent

This makes me recall that one juror believed Soham killer Ian Huntley when he said the girls died after they fell into his bath and he tried to rescue them.
This is so not a concerned parent. It is someone destroying the wellbeing of a new mother very likely to take the baby. I wonder if older child is his; i may have missed that clarification

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/12/2025 09:06

Just chiming in as I am also chilled by the behaviour of this man. I'd only add - keep ALL the messages he has sent you, save them somewhere they can't be deleted, screenshot and email them to yourself or something, as I fear him getting into your phone and deleting everything so he can tell everyone you imagined it all.

Also - talk to other people. To your GP, your HV, your mum, other friends. Tell them exactly what he is saying to you, don't feel ashamed or afraid. Those on the ground are better placed to give you practical advice and to help you, and the more people who know what he's planning and trying to do, the better.

unsync · 10/12/2025 09:30

@keeptryjng You are in an abusive relationship. It will get worse. Please seek help from your local domestic abuse charity.

What was the relationship like with the father of your older child?

OhCobblers · 10/12/2025 10:06

you mention an older child @keeptryjng is your partner their father?
This all sounds very worrying.

Comtesse · 10/12/2025 10:12

Maddy70 · 10/12/2025 04:43

While on first reading my instinct was he's planning to leave you and take the baby ....

However He may genuinely be worried for his child and feels you are unsafe.
Why didn't you have formula fir your baby?why was the gate left open ? Why was there a hot of water so near ?

He's either a massive gaslighting twat or he's a concerned parent

A concerned parent would just sort the problem. We all make mistakes and might not spot every potential safety challenge when little kids are on the loose. It’s the taking of photos and calling her erratic that is scary / chilling. There is no good reason for that.

Epidote · 10/12/2025 10:13

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.
He is manipulating, gaslighting, threatening and abusing.
I think he wants you to have a mental breakdown to proof his manipulate point. He wants you to be the bad, unsafe guy so he can be a heroe. Then he will be so nice to you and you for a bit and you will end broken, with nothing and two kids to take care meanwhile he will be a Disney superdad.
I only have disgust for someone like him.

Lalgarh · 10/12/2025 10:19

Has he had kids before. Is this his first time as a parent

Jane143 · 10/12/2025 10:27

It sounds very controlling but equally I would be concerned as a mum if dad was cooking with stair gate open and a hot saucepan on the side. Maybe he feels that he needs to protect the baby, which is natural. You need to have a sensible calm talk together and be more safety conscious around baby. Sadly I have first hand experience of no stair gate on stairs many years ago when they were not a thing ☹️

Original poster
keeptryjng · 10/12/2025 10:35

It's scary how many women here have been through the same things. I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this too.

Hes now saying he wants us to have a method/process/ safe word..where we can step in if we feel a situation is getting away from the other person....

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 10:41

We had a safe word..... worked maybe once or twice and then he went to ignoring it. People like him and my ex wont change, they are narcissists. They will never see that what they are doing is abusive.

IndigoBabble · 10/12/2025 10:43

OP please recognise this is part of the control. He is now worried he has pushed you too far and you will leave. Classic behaviour. Speak to domestic abuse support services in your area and get some professional advice. Please. Do it for your children if you can’t for yourself. Take care.

Lalgarh · 10/12/2025 10:50

Wha.. I don't quite understand why the need for a safe word. In terms of what. If you object to him taking photos of your 'Many Mothering Faults' he'll only listen if you say "Potato" to actually mean it?

This is game playing.

Retro12 · 10/12/2025 10:53

keeptryjng · 10/12/2025 10:35

It's scary how many women here have been through the same things. I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this too.

Hes now saying he wants us to have a method/process/ safe word..where we can step in if we feel a situation is getting away from the other person....

He actually sounds unhinged, as pp have recommended, you need to get away from this man!

Tell him the safe word is "FuckRightOff"

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