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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner taking secret photos

92 replies

keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 20:35

Thankyou so much for reading in advance. I'm trying to understand this from his side and if I'm being unfair..

My partner and I have a one year old together.. recently (usually during an argument) he will say I'm being erratic and our toddler isnt safe and either orders me to leave or removes the baby upstairs. One time was when the baby was unwell (the morning with him had been quite stressful/ lots of crying) and I was putting him down with cows milk because he hadn't eaten and my partner came up and said he didn't want him having the cows milk because he doesn't usually have it (we had run out of formula) - he was pissed off any quite aggressive in his tone.. I argued that the baby does have milk for breakfast.. he then started ordering me repeatedly to leave.

The next time was when I didn't like how he spoke to my son (told him he was being rude and he wasn't') I stepped in and said he wasn't being rude - to which my partner said 'you see.. this is another one of those situations where you are acting erratically and I have to take the baby away again'

We were discussing this today over text and I was saying how he can't just keep taking the baby away from him when he feels I'm being 'unsafe'.. he then sent me photos he had taken secretly while I was cooking dinner for the family yesterday showing various 'unsafe things' ..a oven pan on the top of a surface sitting slightly over the edge..an open baby gate..

he sent them to me as proof that I'm unsafe around our child... I'm not sure how to react or respond to this.. I'm trying to be as reasonable as possible and see his side.. he said if I don't accept this boundary of him removing our child from me when he feels I'm being unsafe he will leave.

OP posts:
OneGreySeal · 09/12/2025 22:36

Also, are the children his?

GTGGD · 09/12/2025 22:40

he said if I don't accept this boundary of him removing our child from me when he feels I'm being unsafe he will leave.

What a result. This is what you need.

SquareHead37 · 09/12/2025 22:42

BountifulPantry · 09/12/2025 21:52

He’s told you he’s gathering evidence of you being an unfit mother.

He’s told you what he’s doing.

How are you going to respond?

This.

You need to document this either with your gp or health visitor. Don’t assume he won’t go that far because many of them do. He needs to be out of your house, the only unsafe person is him.

Lavender14 · 09/12/2025 22:44

Op he's not good with your older child because he's abusive to you and weaponising both of your children to use them against you to control you.

This is gaslighting and coercion and emotional abuse. You are not at all safe with this man and honestly I'd go to womens aid for support tomorrow and leave as quickly as you can. My worry would be that he could use these images against you because taking them in the first place is very underhanded - what was their purpose, who were they for? I genuinely think you're on a pathway to him telling you that you are so unsafe he's going to social services to report you with the photo evidence when you 'step out of line' to control and intimidate you. It's like he's building a case. You really, really need to leave. And I think given his previous actions of removing your baby from you and blocking your access to your children you need to do this without him knowing or any warning and with a solicitors advice in place so you can protect your custody. I think if he found out he could take the baby and go to a relative and then argue you are too unfit to get them back and you'd have a fight on your hands. It would also be wise to report him to the police for gaslighting and coercive control as both are now an offence so there's a record of this with them should you ever need to defend yourself in court against him. Your life will be so much better without this man dragging you down and making you question your sanity.

Lavender14 · 09/12/2025 22:44

Also screenshot all of those messages right now so you have that record.

Original poster
keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 22:48

Thankyou so much eveyone .. I'll get an appointment with my GP tomorrow. The plan is to leave but I need to find a job first..,I'm still on maternity leave.. once I have an income I can go... I really appreciate all of your response and support. I think hearing all your feedback gives me the support to stand my ground and make the next steps. Thankyou 🙏🙏

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 09/12/2025 22:51

I'm glad you have decided to leave OP, his behaviour is strange and controlling in the extreme, and no one needs a man like this in their life.

Might I suggest you contact women's aid as well as your GP? It sounds like he could easily turn very nasty and they can advise on how to manage the leaving process with him, and provide advice on emergency accommodation if it came to that.

Do not tell him about any of your plans and cover your tracks well.

sandbankssurfing · 09/12/2025 22:53

This is definitely a warning sign for you. My son’s dad has done the same and it has Gotten worse and he’s threatened to call the police on me For no reason. You need to leave. He’s literally trying to stack up his evidence against you.

JayJayj · 09/12/2025 23:23

It sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship.

If I was you I would try and record interactions with him. It will protect yourself and you baby if anything was to happen and you will then have proof of his behaviour.

I would try and find a way to leave if you can. Do you have family or friend’s close that you can confide in? It is really helpful and safer if people know what’s going on.

Yourcousinrachel · 09/12/2025 23:27

As everyone else has said, im afraid this kind of premptive recordings/photos and then confronting you with the "evidence" and using it as a tool to threaten you is definitely part of coercive and controlling behaviour. Also, the references to you being "erratic" when it sounds like you are simply giving your opinion, but he cant tolerate t, and so punishes you by removing the baby or telling you to leave. Could you ever imagine doing this to him?? This is so so not normal, but the trouble is you can get so used to what he says and does, and he can make it sound so reasonable, that you dont even notice how wrong he is and before you know it, you doubt yourself and are not sure what to think any more.

This is not your fault, not any of it. It is what happens when you live with someone like this.
Please will you cover your tracks and ring to speak to the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat. Someone mentioned above that because he is threatening leaving and might take the children, it would be best to report this coercive behaviour to the police, even though you may not want action taken against him at this stage, in case he does accuse you of being an unfit mother. You need to get your concerns in first....
Please dont beat yourself up about the unsafe cooking or stairgate. If it was him, and you had noticed, would you have been taking pictures? No, you would have fixed it or told him immediately. Please keep yourself safe and check he cant monitor your emails or phone etc.
Have you any family or friend you can trust to help you?

CombatBarbie · 09/12/2025 23:28

keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 22:48

Thankyou so much eveyone .. I'll get an appointment with my GP tomorrow. The plan is to leave but I need to find a job first..,I'm still on maternity leave.. once I have an income I can go... I really appreciate all of your response and support. I think hearing all your feedback gives me the support to stand my ground and make the next steps. Thankyou 🙏🙏

You don't need to wait, contact womens aid, they will help you leave safely.

I echo others that this is chilling behaviour!!!

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2025 23:32

Throw him out and change the locks or move away and don’t tell him go to a refuge if you have to. High up on the scale for a nut job, get your child away

LeftieRightsHoarder · 09/12/2025 23:44

He orders you to leave, OP?? And says he has to take the baby away from you??? And takes secret photos to try to incriminate you?????

!!!!!!!

Who does he think he is? The emperor of the Universe? Please escape with your baby as fast as you can.

Rolensausage · 09/12/2025 23:45

Womens aid tomorrow OP. They will help you leave. You don’t need to get a job first. The quicker you leave the better.

Don't tell him any of your plans.

PaperMachePanda · 09/12/2025 23:49

keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 22:48

Thankyou so much eveyone .. I'll get an appointment with my GP tomorrow. The plan is to leave but I need to find a job first..,I'm still on maternity leave.. once I have an income I can go... I really appreciate all of your response and support. I think hearing all your feedback gives me the support to stand my ground and make the next steps. Thankyou 🙏🙏

While you're at the GP make sure you get a wellness check for both you and baby that you can use later on if needed.

Secondly, call Woman's Aid, they will help you leave.

Blissful40s · 09/12/2025 23:51

Fiftyandme · 09/12/2025 22:17

You’re with an abuser

Second this!

Blissful40s · 09/12/2025 23:55

Lavender14 · 09/12/2025 22:44

Op he's not good with your older child because he's abusive to you and weaponising both of your children to use them against you to control you.

This is gaslighting and coercion and emotional abuse. You are not at all safe with this man and honestly I'd go to womens aid for support tomorrow and leave as quickly as you can. My worry would be that he could use these images against you because taking them in the first place is very underhanded - what was their purpose, who were they for? I genuinely think you're on a pathway to him telling you that you are so unsafe he's going to social services to report you with the photo evidence when you 'step out of line' to control and intimidate you. It's like he's building a case. You really, really need to leave. And I think given his previous actions of removing your baby from you and blocking your access to your children you need to do this without him knowing or any warning and with a solicitors advice in place so you can protect your custody. I think if he found out he could take the baby and go to a relative and then argue you are too unfit to get them back and you'd have a fight on your hands. It would also be wise to report him to the police for gaslighting and coercive control as both are now an offence so there's a record of this with them should you ever need to defend yourself in court against him. Your life will be so much better without this man dragging you down and making you question your sanity.

This!

IndigoBabble · 10/12/2025 00:12

Don’t wait until you get a job to leave. This is domestic abuse and it will escalate. Contact WA and also your local Children’s Services. The can support you to leave safely. Do you have any family you could go to? Please don’t minimise this. You mentioned an older child? Both of them are being impacted by this abuse and you are also placing them at risk of harm if you stay. You need to take action. I know that’s easy for us all to say but please do speak to people who can help you recognise this for what it is. He sounds dangerous. Good luck and take care x

sprigatito · 10/12/2025 00:16

Fucking hell, he is building a case against you. I would be seriously freaked out by this. Do you have supportive family and friends you could stay with? I think you need to take the baby and leave, but you’ll need to plan it carefully and have some support, because he sounds dangerous.

FrazzledHippy · 10/12/2025 00:19

Don't delete any texts from him, especially ones the ones threatening to leave with the baby if you don't meet his ridiculous criteria.

Presumably if you're so unsafe to be around the baby, he's quite his job to be at home 24/7 to care for and supervise the baby? Or are you only unsafe when it suits him?

Make plans to leave OP, it's only going to get worse

ArtfulGreyShaker · 10/12/2025 01:13

Could be a mental illness, perhaps a form of OCD.

TryingToFigureLifeOut · 10/12/2025 01:43

This is not normal behaviour and the fact he has you questioning yourself already makes it seem more likely he can completely tear you down and play mind games. He is effectively telling you he’s going to make your life hell and have a backlog of “evidence” for when he tries gaining custody of your son. I would advise you walk away now while you’re still able to be one step ahead and gather as much evidence for yourself women’s aid, speaking to gp or even making a log with the police. This will be crucial for if or when he takes you to court for custody as you will need some kind of evidence that you have reached out regarding his behaviour. I am going through similar and I have barely any evidence for when I go to court but the little I do have despite one being from 2012 is the difference between me having legal aid or not. I went through years upon years of this hell mind games ect and it will completely tear you down in the end. You’ll only wish you left sooner. Please just cover your back now with reaching out to support agencies.

TryingToFigureLifeOut · 10/12/2025 01:52

Just to add even though I’m sure you’re aware, this will look so much better on you the fact that you recognised and removed yourself and your children from this situation. Don’t be fooled the lengths people like him will go to. If all of us here are telling you your situation sounds awful and abusive then imagine what SS would say to you and if you stayed. Just remember be one step ahead.

OliveMoose · 10/12/2025 04:27

Hello OP, firstly I am so sorry you are going through such an awful time. I don’t normally message on here but I read your post and it was strangely similar to a terrible relationship I had a few years back with a man who acted in a very similar way.

It is very wrong this man is making you question yourself and worry like this, you have done nothing wrong.

My Ex would say similar things, that our baby wasn’t ‘safe’ with me and that I needed ‘help’. He would take our baby out of my arms and tell me he needed to.

He was secretly keeping a log of things against me and eventually did use them to try and say I was an unfit mother.

AS the other lovely ladies have said I would encourage you to keep a record, speak to your GP and local domestic abuse charity/Womens Aid.

You are not doing anything wrong lovely, I’m so sorry you are being put through this.

Maddy70 · 10/12/2025 04:43

While on first reading my instinct was he's planning to leave you and take the baby ....

However He may genuinely be worried for his child and feels you are unsafe.
Why didn't you have formula fir your baby?why was the gate left open ? Why was there a hot of water so near ?

He's either a massive gaslighting twat or he's a concerned parent