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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner taking secret photos

92 replies

keeptryjng · 09/12/2025 20:35

Thankyou so much for reading in advance. I'm trying to understand this from his side and if I'm being unfair..

My partner and I have a one year old together.. recently (usually during an argument) he will say I'm being erratic and our toddler isnt safe and either orders me to leave or removes the baby upstairs. One time was when the baby was unwell (the morning with him had been quite stressful/ lots of crying) and I was putting him down with cows milk because he hadn't eaten and my partner came up and said he didn't want him having the cows milk because he doesn't usually have it (we had run out of formula) - he was pissed off any quite aggressive in his tone.. I argued that the baby does have milk for breakfast.. he then started ordering me repeatedly to leave.

The next time was when I didn't like how he spoke to my son (told him he was being rude and he wasn't') I stepped in and said he wasn't being rude - to which my partner said 'you see.. this is another one of those situations where you are acting erratically and I have to take the baby away again'

We were discussing this today over text and I was saying how he can't just keep taking the baby away from him when he feels I'm being 'unsafe'.. he then sent me photos he had taken secretly while I was cooking dinner for the family yesterday showing various 'unsafe things' ..a oven pan on the top of a surface sitting slightly over the edge..an open baby gate..

he sent them to me as proof that I'm unsafe around our child... I'm not sure how to react or respond to this.. I'm trying to be as reasonable as possible and see his side.. he said if I don't accept this boundary of him removing our child from me when he feels I'm being unsafe he will leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
keeptryjng · 10/12/2025 11:02

Thankyou for all your posts everyone- I'm just taking the time to read m: digest everything you've said... the baby is his child but my eldest isn't.

@Jane143 I agree with you I need to be more safety conscious and it would be ideal if he could communicate that in a calm way but it's done in a very authoritative way.. or that he removes the baby when he decides he's unsafe.. it really felt to me that the last two times he did it was a way to punish me

OP posts:
myhaggisblewup · 10/12/2025 11:05

LatteLady · 09/12/2025 22:02

This is coercive control. it would be sensible to report this to your local Police, which is the start of your audit trail and then either remove him or yourself from the property.

You have done nothing wrong, he is gaslighting you; you are strong enough to deal with this for you and your child.

I would report this to the police and get advice from 101 as coercive control is a legal matter now and he can't do it.
Def. report if you feel threatened or if he assuaults you or the baby. This is not healthy for your other kid to be seeing /hearing and they will do.
Contact Womens Aid for advice, talk to family, friends and let them know what is happening.
Get ready to leave if need be with both kids.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 10/12/2025 11:06

You're not safe there. Neither is your child. He is more concerned with coercive controlling you than he is with the safety of your child.

Take him at his word and ask him to leave.

But be aware. He won't go. YOU will need to take steps to get you and your child to safety.

DaisyChain505 · 10/12/2025 11:07

Gaslighting, controlling, manipulative and toxic behaviour.

BillieWiper · 10/12/2025 11:11

He sounds twisted and like he has some kind of personality disorder. He's trying to use your baby as a weapon to control you.

I honestly think you aren't actually safe with this man. And nor is your child. Have you got somewhere you can go? This behaviour of his is coercive control.

Rolensausage · 10/12/2025 11:13

Slightyamusedandsilly · 10/12/2025 11:06

You're not safe there. Neither is your child. He is more concerned with coercive controlling you than he is with the safety of your child.

Take him at his word and ask him to leave.

But be aware. He won't go. YOU will need to take steps to get you and your child to safety.

Agree with @Slightyamusedandsilly about coercion but probably safer if you take first steps to leave,OP as he may escalate if he thinks you’ll be splitting up.
Don’t tell him your plans. Let him find out once you’re away from him and safe.

cinnamonscented · 10/12/2025 11:14

I’m sorry I’ve not had time to read the whole post but things like this can be logged with your health visitor, with your GP and with the police.
You may be thinking this is low level now but he sounds like he’s using coercive control and gaslighting and the fact he’s taking photos etc is showing that he’s thinking ahead.
You need to think ahead too, get out of there soon. Plan carefully. Keep evidence. Talk to a friend IRL about it, write a diary (hide it). You never know if you’ll need evidence in the future, I truly hope not.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/12/2025 12:38

This is serious and you need to get his behaviour on record with everyone you can now. You need to do this to protect yourself and your children down the line. When you escape he will try to take your child away from you. You will then need the contemporary accounts from other agencies backing you up that he was abusive. Otherwise it'll be just your word against him and his photos.

Memeyoulater · 10/12/2025 12:50

I would make plans to take your baby & leave...do this quickly.

sandbankssurfing · 10/12/2025 15:14

I’ve just supported a male friend Who had to take custody of their child from the Mum because she genuinely was not a fit Mum. The police arrest arrested her for coercive control - What helped is that he had evidence of support from a women’s domestic abuse charity. Please get in touch with one today and speak to the police - Again through my experience judges respect the law and they will take on board any legal or domestic abuse support that you have.

Make sure you’re keeping up with your GP appointments, make sure school attendance and punctuality is good for your elder child, and don’t let your house turn into a shambles.

you need to document everything as well.

Please stay strong. I wasn’t strong and now my son is with his dad and his dad has turned him against me and I do not have the energy to fight it. My son is 13, and truly under his Dads spell. I don’t know when I’m going to see him again. I wish I had documented everything and reported everything in the early years.

Original poster
keeptryjng · 10/12/2025 16:58

@sandbankssurfing that's so horrible I'm so sorry that's happened to you.. I can't imagine how hard that is 😔

Thankyou so much for your advice. I will indeed document everything, GP appointments... when you say evidence of support from a domestic abuse charity what does that look like? You mean emails? Thankyou in advance xx

OP posts:
Original poster
keeptryjng · 10/12/2025 17:00

@MrTiddlesTheCat thankyou for your comment. Sorry what do you mean by 'contemporary accounts from other agencies?' Xx

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 10/12/2025 18:14

keeptryjng · 10/12/2025 11:02

Thankyou for all your posts everyone- I'm just taking the time to read m: digest everything you've said... the baby is his child but my eldest isn't.

@Jane143 I agree with you I need to be more safety conscious and it would be ideal if he could communicate that in a calm way but it's done in a very authoritative way.. or that he removes the baby when he decides he's unsafe.. it really felt to me that the last two times he did it was a way to punish me

He is doing it to punish you!!!! You are not as perfect as him, you never will be. The baby is the way to punish you.

WLnamechange · 10/12/2025 18:23

If you stay in this situation it will make you ill, when you end up with support from the GP with mental health issues, possibly antidepressants he will then have the ammo to call you crazy and unfit to be a mum and threaten to get full custody of your shared child.
I've been there OP, get out before it comes to this. Speak to women's aid ASAP.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/12/2025 20:42

keeptryjng · 10/12/2025 17:00

@MrTiddlesTheCat thankyou for your comment. Sorry what do you mean by 'contemporary accounts from other agencies?' Xx

If/when he takes it to court to try and take your baby, the agencies you're in contact with now will be able to give evidence that his abusive behaviour was present before your split. He won't be able to argue that you're making it up because of the court case to influence the decision. You'll have proof that it predates the court action.

Maray1967 · 10/12/2025 22:33

Get the hell away from this man - his behaviour is disturbing.

SunflowerTed · 11/12/2025 00:30

Sounds quite a toxic environment for young children. I think I would let him leave rather then use a baby to score points and intimidate and gaslight you

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