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Original poster

Not into me?

84 replies

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:33

Been messaging a colleague after we matched on tinder. I was looking for a friends with benefits situation. We messaged loads and seemed to hit it off. Shared lots about our lives: previous relationships, childhoods, hobbies etc and also shared some sexual chat (not sexting). He messages like a boyfriend would as he’s supportive, attentive and does the good night messages etc. He always responds instantly and invests a lot of time into messaging me daily. He’s said he finds me attractive etc and I’ve said the same back. In person, the chemistry is insane.

BUT he hasn’t asked me out.
Recently he has also been steering the conversations away from sexual chat but happy to talk about anything and everything else.

Is it safe to say he’s not interested? I know I could ask but he’s so difficult to read - he has that reputation amongst colleagues as being difficult to read. It’s not a conversation I’d want to do over text messages and he’s on holiday now for a couple of weeks with his parents.

OP posts:
Isayitasitis · 09/12/2025 19:35

Sounds like one of these modern situationships.

I really feel like you'd know if he was into you.

A man who wants something or someone will stop at nothing. You said yourself you were looking for a FWB then it looks like he was too.

By all means, ask him if he sees a future with you both beyond casual, just prepare for it not being the answer you want.

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 19:35

this entire relationship appears to have been conducted via messaging?

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 19:36

He messages like a boyfriend would

you have never been out together

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:52

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 19:35

this entire relationship appears to have been conducted via messaging?

Pretty much. We see each other at work and there is definitely chemistry there, but we have to remain totally professional at work.

OP posts:
Piggled · 09/12/2025 19:53

Does he have a girlfriend? Can you be sure he is single?

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:54

Isayitasitis · 09/12/2025 19:35

Sounds like one of these modern situationships.

I really feel like you'd know if he was into you.

A man who wants something or someone will stop at nothing. You said yourself you were looking for a FWB then it looks like he was too.

By all means, ask him if he sees a future with you both beyond casual, just prepare for it not being the answer you want.

Yes this is what I think too.
Just so weird he’d invest hours and hours messaging me daily, responds instantly, has flirted etc but he doesn’t want to take it anywhere.

I only want no strings so I’m sure I can get that somewhere else. His behaviour has just baffled me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:55

Piggled · 09/12/2025 19:53

Does he have a girlfriend? Can you be sure he is single?

He is definitely single. I do know him in person. I know his parents and his ex wife and his children.

I guess he’s either too shy or just not into the idea of me.

Plenty more fish in the sea!

OP posts:
Missj25 · 09/12/2025 19:57

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:33

Been messaging a colleague after we matched on tinder. I was looking for a friends with benefits situation. We messaged loads and seemed to hit it off. Shared lots about our lives: previous relationships, childhoods, hobbies etc and also shared some sexual chat (not sexting). He messages like a boyfriend would as he’s supportive, attentive and does the good night messages etc. He always responds instantly and invests a lot of time into messaging me daily. He’s said he finds me attractive etc and I’ve said the same back. In person, the chemistry is insane.

BUT he hasn’t asked me out.
Recently he has also been steering the conversations away from sexual chat but happy to talk about anything and everything else.

Is it safe to say he’s not interested? I know I could ask but he’s so difficult to read - he has that reputation amongst colleagues as being difficult to read. It’s not a conversation I’d want to do over text messages and he’s on holiday now for a couple of weeks with his parents.

Yes OP , he would have asked you out by now , he seems to just want a pen pal !
I don’t know it’s an odd one , you guys work together also .

Brightbluesomething · 09/12/2025 20:00

Some men just want pen pals. Low effort, ego boost with plenty of attention and no commitment.
If you work together I’d stop this, it’s not worth it.

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:00

Missj25 · 09/12/2025 19:57

Yes OP , he would have asked you out by now , he seems to just want a pen pal !
I don’t know it’s an odd one , you guys work together also .

Show quote history

Yeah it’s the strangest dynamic. He was future faking meeting for sex! I’d understand if he was hesitant about a relationship, but he’s aware I’m only looking for NSA.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:04

Brightbluesomething · 09/12/2025 20:00

Some men just want pen pals. Low effort, ego boost with plenty of attention and no commitment.
If you work together I’d stop this, it’s not worth it.

Surely lower effort would be indulging in no stings sex every now and again without the need to
invest about 4+ hours daily into messaging each evening?
I don’t know if it’s ego boost either as the conversations are always so mundane now sex talk is off the cards.

It is very strange.
I am backing off and he’s noticed. But I’m out of it’s not going anywhere as it’s not what I signed up for.

OP posts:
Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:17

Have you ever ever once suggested… brace yourself op, for actually meeting up in person?

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:19

how long have you been single?

McHot · 09/12/2025 20:24

Men was NSA until women want it too then it becomes deeply unalluring to them , unless it's a spur of the moment thing or you're genuinely very good friends who care deeply for each other and want to scratch an itch. He doesn't want sex with you because it's already been discussed as a transaction by the way you describe it, that's enough for most men to sate then and hes already bored and turned off. People text all day because they've got nothing better to do or to procrastinate away from what they should be doing. Never consider that as in any way meaningful.

OverlyFragrant · 09/12/2025 20:27

Why on earth would you match with a colleague?
Ever heard the phrase don't get your honey where you make your money.
Honestly, it sounds messy before its even truly begun, I think he's realised this and is rowing back. Good on him.

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:34

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:17

Have you ever ever once suggested… brace yourself op, for actually meeting up in person?

Edited

I don’t want to meet up with him in person though unless it’s for sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:35

McHot · 09/12/2025 20:24

Men was NSA until women want it too then it becomes deeply unalluring to them , unless it's a spur of the moment thing or you're genuinely very good friends who care deeply for each other and want to scratch an itch. He doesn't want sex with you because it's already been discussed as a transaction by the way you describe it, that's enough for most men to sate then and hes already bored and turned off. People text all day because they've got nothing better to do or to procrastinate away from what they should be doing. Never consider that as in any way meaningful.

I don’t want meaningful, so I’m not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:36

OverlyFragrant · 09/12/2025 20:27

Why on earth would you match with a colleague?
Ever heard the phrase don't get your honey where you make your money.
Honestly, it sounds messy before its even truly begun, I think he's realised this and is rowing back. Good on him.

It’s really not messy.

OP posts:
Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:37

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:34

I don’t want to meet up with him in person though unless it’s for sex.

Show quote history

Ok

so next question

have you ever suggested a meet up for a shag?

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:39

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:36

It’s really not messy.

Show quote history

Depends what your benchmark for “messy” is

for this poster and me… this well and truly falls on the side of “messy” and to be avoided at all costs!

Horrorscope · 09/12/2025 20:40

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:36

It’s really not messy.

Show quote history

But he might think it could get that way (which it probably would) so is limiting things to a friendly level.

Missj25 · 09/12/2025 20:41

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:04

Surely lower effort would be indulging in no stings sex every now and again without the need to
invest about 4+ hours daily into messaging each evening?
I don’t know if it’s ego boost either as the conversations are always so mundane now sex talk is off the cards.

It is very strange.
I am backing off and he’s noticed. But I’m out of it’s not going anywhere as it’s not what I signed up for.

Show quote history

When he messaged again I’d say it straight out to him .
” Luke you’re a lovely guy , I do enjoy our chats but I’m looking for more than just a penpal , nothing serious as I’ve said to you before.
I think you have to agree we don’t seem to be on the same page anymore, & that’s cool but we shouldn’t be wasting each other’s time either .
Jane X “ .

What have you got to lose 🤷🏻‍♀️

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2025 20:42

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:39

Depends what your benchmark for “messy” is

for this poster and me… this well and truly falls on the side of “messy” and to be avoided at all costs!

Show quote history

I’ll third that - and sounds like he’s decided it’s too messy for him too.

Im in HR and if I had a £ for every workplace sexual encounter gone wrong and ended up causing office drama…….

McHot · 09/12/2025 20:42

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:35

I don’t want meaningful, so I’m not.

Show quote history

You think because he texts you all day that has meant he's into you previously, is that not what you meant ? But now he's cut back on sexual chat you think why is he spending time messaging you for 4+ hours, is that not what you said? And you felt it was notable perhaps a better word than meaningful.

CaffeinatedSeagull · 09/12/2025 20:45

You work together so he’s being ‘nice’ keeping the conversation going, and that’s why he’s moving convo away from sex and hasn’t arranged a date.

if you weren’t a colleague he would probably have ghosted you by now.