Not into me?

[Vivaleconfused]

Been messaging a colleague after we matched on tinder. I was looking for a friends with benefits situation. We messaged loads and seemed to hit it off. Shared lots about our lives: previous relationships, childhoods, hobbies etc and also shared some sexual chat (not sexting). He messages like a boyfriend would as he’s supportive, attentive and does the good night messages etc. He always responds instantly and invests a lot of time into messaging me daily. He’s said he finds me attractive etc and I’ve said the same back. In person, the chemistry is insane.

BUT he hasn’t asked me out.
Recently he has also been steering the conversations away from sexual chat but happy to talk about anything and everything else.

Is it safe to say he’s not interested? I know I could ask but he’s so difficult to read - he has that reputation amongst colleagues as being difficult to read. It’s not a conversation I’d want to do over text messages and he’s on holiday now for a couple of weeks with his parents.

He was into me previously, he said as much. He used to enjoy sexual chats, but now strongly steers the conversation away from them, but will happily invest hours and hours each evening messaging about the most mundane topics, or deep conversations. He responds instantly and is warm and affectionate.

Even if you ae only looking for sex, I might have thought a meet up first or in advance of would be OK. Just meeting in a hotel bedroom or something sounds perhaps a bit too transactional. Might even put a man off a bit. Friends with benefits does imply the meeting up as friends as well or first maybe.

We don’t see each other often at work, so I don’t think so. And when I don’t message for a few days he reaches out to “check in”, so I don’t think he would have ghosted.

If you're that invested in it to be making a post on mumsnet, it's messy.

It’s not messy. I just asked ai what the dynamic was and I didn’t like the answer so I thought I’d ask humans instead for their input. Trust me when I say it really isn’t messy.

Just bloody ask him. Don’t die wondering.

I would consider it from your angle then that you want NSA , he's pulled back from that , yet he's taking up your evenings chatting away on message when you could be arranging NSA with a better prospect. He's getting free attention from you whilst you're not going to get what you want from him, ultimately. Prioritise your needs and consign mr pen pal to when you've nothing better to do

This is my take on it too.

Maybe he just feels a bit icky having sex chat when he's on holiday with his parents?

Maybe he likes you and wants more than FWB so is hoping all the deep and meaningful chat develops into a relationship.

Maybe he is worried about mixing business and pleasure.

The only person who can tell you is him!

How long ago did you match on tinder?

Not every man wants no strings sex, whatever you might read on here.
He’s lonely and single, that’s why he chats for hours.
He doesn’t want no strings sex with a colleague as he values his job.
Not sure what else there is to figure out?

We matched just over a month ago. We’ve known one another for years.

I put in our conversation on Gemini Ai and asked and it said he’s possibly looking for something more than no strings. I’m a fearful avoidant and I’ve just come out of a long marriage so it’s not what I want. I just want casual.

So either way I’m shutting it down, I was just curious.

Yep, but we aren’t close colleagues - like same company, different locations. We cross paths probably once every few months. Additionally he knew from the offset that all I wanted was no strings sex. He matched with me knowing that and proceeded to talk to me knowing that. I didn’t randomly spring it on him. My tinder profile said that I’m only looking for no strings sex.

Either way, I don’t want a pen pal so doesn’t matter anyway.

Why don't you just... ask him? Have you actually told him outright you want no-strings sex? Because it seems as if you both said that you found each other attractive, but no one took the initiative to suggest actually meeting up and having sex, so the moment has passed and it's just become like any platonic friendship. It sounds like he might have been interested in a FWB situation, but thinks that's off the cards now but is still happy with platonic chat.

Also, stop asking AI to analyse these things, it can't tell you anything useful.

Yes he knew.
My tinder profile said I am looking for no strings sex. He swiped on that. I also mentioned it several times.
He then proceeded to message loads when we first matched and we connected deeply emotionally and intellectually, have shared humour etc. Seems like the more we chatted, the further we got from meeting for no strings.

I have asked him. He’s evasive.

You’re probably right though, it’s become some sort of weird platonic penpal setup. Like he’s getting no ego boost from it because I’m pretty minimal in my responses, yet he can still carry the conversations for hours each night. I was only participating as I believed sex was on the cards, but seems unlikely doesn’t it? He’s not into me sexually, so why not just move on?

How old are you both?

I don't think platonic messaging with someone you have lots in common with is weird, it's just called being a friend.

I'm still a bit confused as to how you never met up. You swiped on each other for NSA sex, bonded over chat and then... did you actually suggest a time and place and he knocked you back/ignored you, or did no such invitation happen? He would likely have been waiting for you to make that move.

Old!!

I didn’t suggest a time and place. Neither did he. Mainly as he went away for a while, then I did, then he has his children sometimes and I don’t know the schedule. Now everything has settled and we could meet, I get the feeling he’s not into me like that anymore so I haven’t suggested it.

He is probably just messaging to be polite so things don’t feel awkward if we see each other at work. I am just going to stop messaging as it’s not serving my needs.

It would be weird having a platonic friendship after all we have spoken about / shared pics etc.

Haha why thanks!

Only a couple of months and I intend staying single. I literally just want no strings sex. Not a relationship, so question isn’t really relevant.