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Original poster

Not into me?

84 replies

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:33

Been messaging a colleague after we matched on tinder. I was looking for a friends with benefits situation. We messaged loads and seemed to hit it off. Shared lots about our lives: previous relationships, childhoods, hobbies etc and also shared some sexual chat (not sexting). He messages like a boyfriend would as he’s supportive, attentive and does the good night messages etc. He always responds instantly and invests a lot of time into messaging me daily. He’s said he finds me attractive etc and I’ve said the same back. In person, the chemistry is insane.

BUT he hasn’t asked me out.
Recently he has also been steering the conversations away from sexual chat but happy to talk about anything and everything else.

Is it safe to say he’s not interested? I know I could ask but he’s so difficult to read - he has that reputation amongst colleagues as being difficult to read. It’s not a conversation I’d want to do over text messages and he’s on holiday now for a couple of weeks with his parents.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 09/12/2025 21:25

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:14

You’re probably right though, it’s become some sort of weird platonic penpal setup. Like he’s getting no ego boost from it because I’m pretty minimal in my responses, yet he can still carry the conversations for hours each night. I was only participating as I believed sex was on the cards, but seems unlikely doesn’t it? He’s not into me sexually, so why not just move on?

I think he wants more than fwb from everything I’ve read since , not that he sexually isn’t into you , he’s trying to build a relationship with you , that’s not what you want though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:28

Missj25 · 09/12/2025 21:25

I think he wants more than fwb from everything I’ve read since , not that he sexually isn’t into you , he’s trying to build a relationship with you , that’s not what you want though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

I don’t know. It’s weird and I just wanted someone else’s read on things. He’s hard to read anyway, everyone says that.
But no, I like the single life and I’m not ready for anything more. As lovely as he is, I really do just want the no strings.

OP posts:
gannett · 09/12/2025 21:28

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:22

I didn’t suggest a time and place. Neither did he. Mainly as he went away for a while, then I did, then he has his children sometimes and I don’t know the schedule. Now everything has settled and we could meet, I get the feeling he’s not into me like that anymore so I haven’t suggested it.

He is probably just messaging to be polite so things don’t feel awkward if we see each other at work. I am just going to stop messaging as it’s not serving my needs.

It would be weird having a platonic friendship after all we have spoken about / shared pics etc.

Show quote history

I suspect he is still into you like that but after you didn't suggest meeting up for so long he thinks you've changed your mind. But he still enjoys chatting to you so is happy to continue with that.

Basically you've both assumed the other one's lost interest because neither of you are communicating explicitly what you want.

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 21:28

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Haha ok. Whatever that means.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:32

gannett · 09/12/2025 21:28

I suspect he is still into you like that but after you didn't suggest meeting up for so long he thinks you've changed your mind. But he still enjoys chatting to you so is happy to continue with that.

Basically you've both assumed the other one's lost interest because neither of you are communicating explicitly what you want.

Show quote history

Yeah maybe. Just odd if that was the case why he steers conversations away from sexual chat. Like last night I mentioned something sexual that he used to be invested in and he started talking about doing another masters degree. To me that signals platonic and disinterest in sexual stuff with me.

OP posts:
RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 09/12/2025 21:34

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:34

I don’t want to meet up with him in person though unless it’s for sex.

Show quote history

Well perhaps he's not that kind of guy.

Or maybe he realises he could fall for you, and since you have made it clear that you don't want a relationship, he's keeping his distance.

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:40

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 09/12/2025 21:34

Well perhaps he's not that kind of guy.

Or maybe he realises he could fall for you, and since you have made it clear that you don't want a relationship, he's keeping his distance.

Show quote history

But he swiped knowing that and spoke about no strings sex enthusiastically with me.
He’s also not keeping his distance if he’s messaging me daily? If anything, it creates a fake intimacy bubble?

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 09/12/2025 21:48

Maybe he’s getting his sexual kicks elsewhere now but likes you as a friend? Friendship seems to be all he’s offering either way. And you were friends before you swiped (I assume if you know his parents?). Just go back to friends who don’t message?

Clarabella77 · 09/12/2025 21:49

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:17

Have you ever ever once suggested… brace yourself op, for actually meeting up in person?

Edited

This. You need to just ask him. A lot of guys aren't very good at being direct. Just ask him out yourself and you will either progress it or end it. Job done.

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:52

Clarabella77 · 09/12/2025 21:49

This. You need to just ask him. A lot of guys aren't very good at being direct. Just ask him out yourself and you will either progress it or end it. Job done.

Show quote history

True. I would have asked him, but now I get the impression he’s not into it/me so that’s why I haven’t asked.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 09/12/2025 21:52

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:40

But he swiped knowing that and spoke about no strings sex enthusiastically with me.
He’s also not keeping his distance if he’s messaging me daily? If anything, it creates a fake intimacy bubble?

Show quote history

He did that cause he fancies you, & was probably hoping you want more once you get to know him better .

Clarabella77 · 09/12/2025 21:56

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 21:52

True. I would have asked him, but now I get the impression he’s not into it/me so that’s why I haven’t asked.

Show quote history

I get it, it's easy to say just ask when you are not involved. Been there myself. 😆 I swear all this texting makes these things so complicated. But the direct approach always ends the overthinking and you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Invite him round for wine and you will get the answer.

shivermetimbers77 · 09/12/2025 22:47

If you want no strings attached then it would make more sense to go for a stranger than a colleague.. so much more chance of complications with a colleague.

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 22:49

shivermetimbers77 · 09/12/2025 22:47

If you want no strings attached then it would make more sense to go for a stranger than a colleague.. so much more chance of complications with a colleague.

I know. That was my intention from the beginning, hindsight!

OP posts:
Prelim · 09/12/2025 22:53

Sounds like he’s not attracted to you in a sexual way. But likes the chat. That’s not what you want, so probably just leave it

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 23:26

Prelim · 09/12/2025 22:53

Sounds like he’s not attracted to you in a sexual way. But likes the chat. That’s not what you want, so probably just leave it

Can someone just switch those feelings off as he was sexually attracted. He explicitly told me that, several times.

But yeah…

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 10/12/2025 06:38

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 23:26

Can someone just switch those feelings off as he was sexually attracted. He explicitly told me that, several times.

But yeah…

Show quote history

It’s worth remembering that men don’t need attraction to message/sext. They can still get off on what you type about doing to them. But obviously to meet up/have sex there has to be something there for them

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 10/12/2025 07:15

Gymbunny2025 · 10/12/2025 06:38

It’s worth remembering that men don’t need attraction to message/sext. They can still get off on what you type about doing to them. But obviously to meet up/have sex there has to be something there for them

Show quote history

We didn’t sext. We had sexual conversations, but no sexting. When I say sexual conversations, I mean we both said what we’re into, what porn I like (as he doesn’t watch it), a little about what we’ve done in the past. None of it was at all explicit though. If anything, he was a lot more reserved than me.

My conversations are dryer than a Jacob’s cracker. I know I’m hard work. Mainly because I’m not really a texting type. We share life updates, talk about our children and work, share jokes etc. I suppose I am funny and we have an intellectual connection? I don’t really understand what he gets from it. If I was paying him a lot of attention and complimenting him, I’d be sure he liked the ego boost and attention. It’s not chat that I’d be in to if I was him. I don’t think it’s the chat keeping him around.

OP posts:
FeistyFrankie · 10/12/2025 07:59

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:54

Yes this is what I think too.
Just so weird he’d invest hours and hours messaging me daily, responds instantly, has flirted etc but he doesn’t want to take it anywhere.

I only want no strings so I’m sure I can get that somewhere else. His behaviour has just baffled me.

Show quote history

I would say he clearly likes you but isn't sure how to proceed to the next stage. He also sounds quite young if he's going on holiday with his parents?

I reckon just be patient or ask him out yourself. Guys rarely put this much effort in unless they like you.

Gymbunny2025 · 10/12/2025 08:18

Vivaleconfused · 10/12/2025 07:15

We didn’t sext. We had sexual conversations, but no sexting. When I say sexual conversations, I mean we both said what we’re into, what porn I like (as he doesn’t watch it), a little about what we’ve done in the past. None of it was at all explicit though. If anything, he was a lot more reserved than me.

My conversations are dryer than a Jacob’s cracker. I know I’m hard work. Mainly because I’m not really a texting type. We share life updates, talk about our children and work, share jokes etc. I suppose I am funny and we have an intellectual connection? I don’t really understand what he gets from it. If I was paying him a lot of attention and complimenting him, I’d be sure he liked the ego boost and attention. It’s not chat that I’d be in to if I was him. I don’t think it’s the chat keeping him around.

Show quote history

In that case personally I’d say he definitely sees you in friend zone. He is acting the opposite to a man who is keen on pursuing a relationship. Easy for you to just move on!

Gymbunny2025 · 10/12/2025 08:20

And maybe he he realised your sexual preferences aren’t aligned and so he’s no longer interested in casual sex either.

3luckystars · 10/12/2025 08:25

Go out with other people. You should have 2 or 3 men on the go at all times. He is not your boyfriend, keep going out with other men until one asks you not to, and then maybe think about it.

sourcherryjam · 10/12/2025 08:26

I've mostly worked in predominantly male workplaces. This is a hobby for some blokes. The actually have zero interest in hooking up with women. Its the modern equivalent of playing cards.
You need to have a bit more respect for yourself.
If it's sexual gratification you're after , with no strings attached, you might be better off buying a sex toy instead of making a total of yourself. He will have 100% shared your messages with his male colleagues.

3luckystars · 10/12/2025 08:27

Vivaleconfused · 10/12/2025 07:15

We didn’t sext. We had sexual conversations, but no sexting. When I say sexual conversations, I mean we both said what we’re into, what porn I like (as he doesn’t watch it), a little about what we’ve done in the past. None of it was at all explicit though. If anything, he was a lot more reserved than me.

My conversations are dryer than a Jacob’s cracker. I know I’m hard work. Mainly because I’m not really a texting type. We share life updates, talk about our children and work, share jokes etc. I suppose I am funny and we have an intellectual connection? I don’t really understand what he gets from it. If I was paying him a lot of attention and complimenting him, I’d be sure he liked the ego boost and attention. It’s not chat that I’d be in to if I was him. I don’t think it’s the chat keeping him around.

Show quote history

Alright, he is not into porn?? Yeah right. Hahaha.

Drop him like a hot potato. Fast.