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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not into me?

84 replies

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 19:33

Been messaging a colleague after we matched on tinder. I was looking for a friends with benefits situation. We messaged loads and seemed to hit it off. Shared lots about our lives: previous relationships, childhoods, hobbies etc and also shared some sexual chat (not sexting). He messages like a boyfriend would as he’s supportive, attentive and does the good night messages etc. He always responds instantly and invests a lot of time into messaging me daily. He’s said he finds me attractive etc and I’ve said the same back. In person, the chemistry is insane.

BUT he hasn’t asked me out.
Recently he has also been steering the conversations away from sexual chat but happy to talk about anything and everything else.

Is it safe to say he’s not interested? I know I could ask but he’s so difficult to read - he has that reputation amongst colleagues as being difficult to read. It’s not a conversation I’d want to do over text messages and he’s on holiday now for a couple of weeks with his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 10/12/2025 09:07

sourcherryjam · 10/12/2025 08:26

I've mostly worked in predominantly male workplaces. This is a hobby for some blokes. The actually have zero interest in hooking up with women. Its the modern equivalent of playing cards.
You need to have a bit more respect for yourself.
If it's sexual gratification you're after , with no strings attached, you might be better off buying a sex toy instead of making a total of yourself. He will have 100% shared your messages with his male colleagues.

He definitely wouldn’t have shared them, I can 100% trust that!

Why do I need more respect for myself? I want no strings sex. I’m upfront, open and honest about that, and not ashamed. I have enough sex toys, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 10/12/2025 09:10

3luckystars · 10/12/2025 08:27

Alright, he is not into porn?? Yeah right. Hahaha.

Drop him like a hot potato. Fast.

Show quote history

I believe him. I am into porn and wouldn’t care if he was. I think a lot of you are viewing my replies as if I want a relationship with him. I don’t. Therefore I don’t give a hoot if he’s into porn or not. I don’t care even if he just wants to friendzone me. I’m asking because I am baffled by his behaviour.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 10/12/2025 09:53

Vivaleconfused · 09/12/2025 20:48

He was into me previously, he said as much. He used to enjoy sexual chats, but now strongly steers the conversation away from them, but will happily invest hours and hours each evening messaging about the most mundane topics, or deep conversations. He responds instantly and is warm and affectionate.

Show quote history

Apparently there is male loneliness epidemic, and we all know men are not averse to doing whatever they need to do, to make themselves happy.

As someone upthread said, he wanted a penalty while you wanted sex. To get his penpal, he matched your desire for sex; and now he has you messaging for hours, he no longer needs to keep up that pretence.

He doesn't want a FWB situation, so just let him go. You don't even need a meaningful chat - this is not what I thought it would be and not what I want, so toodles 👋🏾.

VaxMerstappen · 10/12/2025 09:54

Surely if you've been as upfront about your intentions on the app, you must be fairly inundated with offers from other men by now? Better use of your time to talk to someone who actually wants to get in bed with you than spend quite so long wondering what's going on with this guy?

I will say though, it does seem a bit strange to keep bringing up sexual topics (seemingly unprompted) in conversation if you can recognise that he's shutting that down. Yes, you may have previous discussed that, but people can and do change their minds. Imagine if a man kept sending you messages of an unwanted sexual nature?

Gymbunny2025 · 10/12/2025 09:59

VaxMerstappen · 10/12/2025 09:54

Surely if you've been as upfront about your intentions on the app, you must be fairly inundated with offers from other men by now? Better use of your time to talk to someone who actually wants to get in bed with you than spend quite so long wondering what's going on with this guy?

I will say though, it does seem a bit strange to keep bringing up sexual topics (seemingly unprompted) in conversation if you can recognise that he's shutting that down. Yes, you may have previous discussed that, but people can and do change their minds. Imagine if a man kept sending you messages of an unwanted sexual nature?

Edited

I agree with this. And especially a work colleague. I think any more talk of porn or suggesting sex when he is clearly not interested could land you in front of HR discussing harassment. He is being very clear that he only wants friendship. Why does it even matter his reason? Just move on!

inkognitha · 10/12/2025 10:17

1/ Because you gave yourself away texting 4h a night telling him everything about you
that took the novelty off even without you meeting or having sex, you went from sexy mysterious coworker to someone they think they know everything about and who’s always happy to give him time and attention, like a boring Labrador

2/ Also, a fwb or nsa, they re not your besties, you shag, you say thank you and you go home, a FWB should never be your friend or someone you have feelings for, or someone you spend a lot of time with, or you’re just going to create a messy situationship for yourself that’s gonna break your heart, and i don’t totally buy your cool girl “I just want NSA” compared with your actions

3/ if you’re not supposed to have interpersonal relationships at work, you texting for days until you got predictable and boring made him realise it’s probably a very very bad idea

Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 10/12/2025 10:19

I brought up the sex topic once, for him to steer it away from that. Before that it’d be a mix of him or me initiating that type of chat, which we mutually enjoyed.

I am seeing other people. As I’ve said, I only asked about him on here as it’s intriguing and I wondered if anyone had any insight or ideas. I’m not sitting around trying to psychoanalyse him or get him to change his mind. I created this thread because I was wondering about it as he was messaging me, and I was bored so thought I’d ask. I’m not going to end up in HR. Goodness me, some of you are dramatic!

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivaleconfused · 10/12/2025 10:20

inkognitha · 10/12/2025 10:17

1/ Because you gave yourself away texting 4h a night telling him everything about you
that took the novelty off even without you meeting or having sex, you went from sexy mysterious coworker to someone they think they know everything about and who’s always happy to give him time and attention, like a boring Labrador

2/ Also, a fwb or nsa, they re not your besties, you shag, you say thank you and you go home, a FWB should never be your friend or someone you have feelings for, or someone you spend a lot of time with, or you’re just going to create a messy situationship for yourself that’s gonna break your heart, and i don’t totally buy your cool girl “I just want NSA” compared with your actions

3/ if you’re not supposed to have interpersonal relationships at work, you texting for days until you got predictable and boring made him realise it’s probably a very very bad idea

He doesn’t know much about me, I’ve been totally vague.

I also don’t want to be besties with him. I just want to have sex with him. I’d be cool with a one off. But keep going with your assumptions.

OP posts:
inkognitha · 10/12/2025 11:05

I ll never understand people who spend their energy denying reality for some self-esteem reason rather than dealing with reality itself (which stays the only way to really change things), best of luck, OP

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