Can you encourage your husband to become more considerate?

[nutcracker82]

Is it possible to encourage my husband to become more considerate to others needs or has that ship sailed? I am feeling exasperated by how inconsiderate he can be around the house and in family life and wondering if it will ever change or am I mad to even think it could.

This morning what triggered this was that husband had to get up really early to go to a big work meeting and had to be out the door by 7:30. Our five-year-old son was still asleep (later than usual) because he’s been off school last two days with flu and was sleeping in later than normal. I had been up a few times in the night helping my son with his cough giving medicine water etc so not slept well. My husband goes to have a shower and comes back with 20 minutes left until he has to leave the house. I said I would rushing into the shower now while DS is still asleep as I don’t want to miss my shower and as soon as he wakes up, I’ll probably need to be there to look after him. I took all of five minutes in the shower but when I came out my son was there on the landing crying. Husband had gone downstairs to make himself a coffee and not bothered to listen out for our son who had woken up and come into our bedroom (as he normally does every morning) to find the bed empty and no-one there , and feeling poorly already he became upset saying where is everybody etc. My husband came back upstairs with a coffee (one for himself not one for me - even though I make him a coffee every single morning) and said ‘how was I to know he would wake up’. I’m annoyed because husband goes away for work a lot and I often get up and start getting ready while my son is still asleep but I always listen out for when he’s waking up and go to him when he gets up so he has someone there to say good morning to. My husband could’ve waited to make coffee till I’d finished in the shower or kept his ears pricked for my son to wake up whilst he was downstairs , especially given our son is unwell at the moment. Husband just has no foresight to think about these things or just doesn’t bother or think it applies to him.

The coffee thing also annoys me - why couldn’t he have made me one instead of just for himself - he never thinks about others. I don’t think he ever offers to just make me a coffee without me asking.

He definitely should've made you a coffee, that's just rude if the kettle is on. But I don't think it's unreasonable to go downstairs and finish getting ready to leave when he shortly needs to be out of the house. Your son isn't a toddler who might fall down the stairs or can't get out of his cot, he can hear you in the shower and could wait there or go downstairs himself.

He could have made a pot of coffee rather than a cup.

Other than that, he was trying to get ready for work and get out the door in 20". He knew you were up and your kid is 5. Your kid could have gone downstairs or back to his room. I think teaching your son to expect someone to be right there every morning when he gets up is an unrealistic habit to get him into.

My answer is no, people are either thoughtful or they're not.

In my lived experience they get worse not better.

If someone reaches adulthood without having learned to be considerate I feel there isn’t likely ever be a lightbulb moment.

I think he's selfish for not making you a coffee. Who makes tea or coffee and doesn't offer to make their other half a cup?!

My DH is a human poodle ie very bright but just doesn't see things sometimes. He's on a totally different planet sometimes.

Honestly, I think you’re being a bit OTT always ensuring someone is upstairs for your son to say good morning to. He’s 5, he can call out or come downstairs if nobody is upstairs. He’s not a baby left screaming in a cot.

I do think there are many inconsiderate men out there sadly and your DH may well be one of them but this wouldn’t have been the example I chose.

I agree with you about the coffee.

Me, but that’s because he’s never had a hot drink in the 17 years I’ve known him :-D

This. Stop babying your son OP and take the time you need in the shower. And yes it wouldn't gave hurt your dh to make you a coffee.

You are not being unreasonable. Stop making his coffee, stop everything you do for him. I don’t think he’ll change but maybe a shock like that could work.

husband goes away for work a lot Oh aye?
Husband had gone downstairs to make himself a coffee
He could have made you one.
and not bothered to listen out for our son who had woken up and come into our bedroom (as he normally does every morning)
You are raising a mummy's boy.

Nah you’ll never get anywhere, sorry.
Things like consideration are learnt only by good demonstration from a very early age. He will only be able to learn it, if he really badly wants to, the boat has well & truely sailed.

I think people like your husband respond well to direct instructions
Eg NEVER make a coffee without making me one!
I've had to lay down a few laws in our house. I also have stopped doing things until they are either appreciated eg ironing his clothes or reciprocated eg I would never make him a coffee again until he gets the point.
Its all in good humour in our house as my husband knows he needs to improve but throw in Menopause and they can soon become deal breakers.

I have found that the more that you do for people, the lesson client they are to do anything for themselves and they definitely will not extend the favor turn around and do the kind thing for you. They won't even think of you.

So you getting your husband coffee, but him not getting you one, yeah, rude, can he learn? Probably. Will he learn? I don't know. Probably not.

He won't suddenly learn to be more considerate. You have to directly tell him to do everything that you want (like "when you go downstairs to make yourself coffee can you bring me up a coffee as well"?). Which you don't want to do because you figure he should figure this out on his own and by telling him it's sort of invalidates the thoughtfulness and consideration and it does, but men often absolutely need clear instructions... many of them seem unable to think past their own wants and needs. I know that sounds "man bashing " but in my experience that's been the case. You have to tell them exactly what it is that you want, they can't read minds nor will they try, and it gets really tiring, but with enough repetition, they can learn to think past their own needs and wants and start to consider you.

As for your son I know he's only five and I know that he's been sick for a couple days but seriously, him sitting on the stairs crying because "where did everybody go?" He can hear you in the shower. Presumably he knows where the kitchen is. It's not like he's stuck in a crib unable to get out. That bit of the story sounds unreasonable to me.

.

So I think he should have made you a coffee or atleast asked if you wanted one. As for the shower I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, he knew what time he had to leave and was ready in plenty time, did you communicate you wanted in the shower before he went in?

As for going downstairs that’s fairly normal also, your son is 5 and more than capable to wandering downstairs ill or not….thats not on your husband 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you’re being unreasonable to expect someone who is going out, to wait around in case a 5 year old wakes up. He’s 5, not 5 months.

God forbid a 5 year old child looks for their parents in the morning after being up in the night feeling unwell.

Agree with PPs. He should have made you coffee, but if I’m getting ready for work I’m not sitting upstairs just in case a 5 yr old wakes up.
If you really really felt that he needed someone with him as soon as he woke up, then you could have showered after your husband left - a 5 yr old can definitely be alone while someone showers even when they’re ill, he wasn’t so ill he needed constant monitoring!

I recently said to DH, 'You always put yourself first, don't you?'.

He thought for a while, then replied, 'Yes'.

It's possible. I've successfully done it with my dh.

It's obviously depends on the husband and their personality though.

Sorry op, you’re being ridiculous.
DH was getting ready to go to work.
Your son is 5 years old and unless he is deaf, could hear the shower running down knew mummy or daddy was having a shower. Unless there is some massive backstory here with your son, then you need to start accepting that he is 5 years, not 5 months.

your remark that DH goes away a lot is irrelevant in this situation, but at the same time I think puts the finger on the real issue here. You sound resentful of the fact he is away a lot for work and it sounds like you are projecting this (very normal family life situation) onto your anger about a bigger thing (him going away for work). You need to think about how you really feel about him being away for work. Of course you’re left doing the parent stuff on your own at those moments. But you’re not the only parent whose partner goes away for work regularly. But if that is an issue for you then you need to talk about it together, and figure out what can be done to make it easier for you. Communication is key here.

As for the coffee: it would have been nice of him to make coffee for you but does he usually do this? If he never makes coffee for you in the morning, then you already knew he wasn’t going to either this morning. If you want him to start making you coffee, tell him! “Babe, if you’re going to make coffee, could me make me one as well?”. TBH if I only had 20 mins to have breakfast and get out the door I’d be super focussed on myself and wouldn’t stop to think if I should make drinks for other family members. I can also imagine that he thought the coffee would just go cold if you were in the shower /looking after a sick child. Again, communication is key here.

I seem to be the odd one out here but I wouldn’t make DH a coffee if he was in the shower and I was getting ready to leave early for work either 🫣

I also don’t understand why your 5yo needs constant supervision or why you couldn’t have your shower once he was awake.

I think you just need to point stuff out like that you wanted a coffee and next time when he makes one for himself he should either make you one too or ask if you would like one. I did this with my preteens when they get themselves a drink from the kitchen they should offer to get drinks for everyone else. We all do it. If in future he doesn't make you a coffee when he is making his ask him why. Repeated behaviour tells you he doesn't care enough to consider you in his thoughts.

Now if I am making a cup of tea either child (young adults) will get the milk out of the fridge without being prompted, they know I want milk. If in conversation Dh said about wanting something, I would tell the children to pay attention to things like that, stick it in your phone and for his birthday or Christmas we have ideas for him.

For your 5 year old I would tell him we would never leave him alone in the house so we must be somewhere else in the house. Remind him to check the bathroom, listen out for the noise of the shower, or that Mummy or Daddy might be downstairs making a drink. Mine learned if they couldn't find me, the key in the back door would indicate I am in the back garden, probably feeding the birds.

I think the reaction to your 5 year old is over the top but I would put that down to lack of sleep. I think your Dh is inconsiderate and should have made you a drink. Dh would have asked me if there was anything he could do, ie breakfast for both me and my sick child, a drink, whatever, but then he was raised by a lovely woman who raised him right.

in this particular situation, YABU. You need to be careful you’re not raising your son to be lacking in independence as well.

overall I’m sure YANBU as most men operate like this - entirely self centered.

rather than thinking about how you change him (you can’t), you need to think about how you raise the next generation to be different.

OP should from now on - until her DH has learned that lesson. Sounds petty, but it works.

Re. Your DC - at his age, even when ill, he can surely work out where his parents are? A quick cuddle and he should be fine.

But I would have called DH out on making only one coffee straightaway and told him he can make his own from now on.