Can you encourage your husband to become more considerate?

[nutcracker82]

Is it possible to encourage my husband to become more considerate to others needs or has that ship sailed? I am feeling exasperated by how inconsiderate he can be around the house and in family life and wondering if it will ever change or am I mad to even think it could.

This morning what triggered this was that husband had to get up really early to go to a big work meeting and had to be out the door by 7:30. Our five-year-old son was still asleep (later than usual) because he’s been off school last two days with flu and was sleeping in later than normal. I had been up a few times in the night helping my son with his cough giving medicine water etc so not slept well. My husband goes to have a shower and comes back with 20 minutes left until he has to leave the house. I said I would rushing into the shower now while DS is still asleep as I don’t want to miss my shower and as soon as he wakes up, I’ll probably need to be there to look after him. I took all of five minutes in the shower but when I came out my son was there on the landing crying. Husband had gone downstairs to make himself a coffee and not bothered to listen out for our son who had woken up and come into our bedroom (as he normally does every morning) to find the bed empty and no-one there , and feeling poorly already he became upset saying where is everybody etc. My husband came back upstairs with a coffee (one for himself not one for me - even though I make him a coffee every single morning) and said ‘how was I to know he would wake up’. I’m annoyed because husband goes away for work a lot and I often get up and start getting ready while my son is still asleep but I always listen out for when he’s waking up and go to him when he gets up so he has someone there to say good morning to. My husband could’ve waited to make coffee till I’d finished in the shower or kept his ears pricked for my son to wake up whilst he was downstairs , especially given our son is unwell at the moment. Husband just has no foresight to think about these things or just doesn’t bother or think it applies to him.

The coffee thing also annoys me - why couldn’t he have made me one instead of just for himself - he never thinks about others. I don’t think he ever offers to just make me a coffee without me asking.

I think you can change a partner to be less selfish - you teach them what it means when you stop making coffee, doing their laundry etc. You tell them straight - if you can’t automatically make me one too then that works both ways.
They need to ‘experience’ it directed at them, and learn. Be loud and clear and drive the message home.

I agree you need to be more direct. In fact, now DH always asks me if I want a tea if he is making one whereas it just didn’t occur to him before. (To be fair, he is not English so doesn’t really get tea etiquette!) He also used to make only his side of the bed but I think I have convinced him to do both!

OP, I have a slightly different view on this. May I suggest that you are looking at the weeds instead of the flowers.

People respond to positive reinforcement on what they are already doing well.
Sit down and consider what he does for the family. Maybe he goes out to work and puts money in the common pot. Maybe he builds IKEA furniture. Maybe he sometimes sits with his son for a few minutes and chats.

Each time you see hin doing one of these things, consider saying something like "I appreciate so much how you go out to work for us every morning ". "It was so lovely to see how you sat and talked with Billy". "Thnaks for stacking the dishwasher ". Just keep doing comments like these a few times a day and train your brain a bit. See what happens after a few weeks.

I’m with you. I wouldn’t make my husband coffee if he was in the shower getting ready for work (unless he spefucsllh asked me to make one). I’d also find it annoying if my husband made me coffee while getting ready, because I have a set number of things zo need to do in a short timeframe and I want to do them in a set order. The coffee would just get in the way and I’d probably knock it over while doing my hair or whatever.

Give me strength.

Here you go:

Geez, her son is five, not 15! And he was unwell. And, believe it not, kids are all different! My ND daughter needed someone to get up with her until she was seven.

Thanks for stacking the dishwasher? Why should she thank him for doing a job that he has contributed to needing doing? Should she thank him for having a shower too?

All that does it reinforce that it is HER job and he’s helping her.

OP, please don’t do this.

This point is addressed in John Gottman's talk on YouTube "Making Marriage Work"

Around minute 13:30 you'll hear him talk about creating a Culture of Appreciation in the relationship and specifically saying thank you even for things that are "their job".

PS John Gottman is an expert who has spent his life researching how to have successful relationships

• He addresses it again at minute 20:40 - about expressing appreciation even when it's the other person's turn. In any case the whole talk is really good.

Not really

Gross.

We don't do that in our house unless we're all hanging out together. If I needed to be out the door in 20 minutes I wouldn't make DH a hot drink - and if I did chances are he'd just leave it to get cold anyway.

DH and I have a DC with SEN, and our thanking one another for literally anything either of us does around the house makes a huge difference to how survivable life feels when we're both doing a thankless and exhausting job 24/7.

It does depend on both people doing it, though. It's no good if one partner says thanks and the other just says 'you're welcome' and basks in smugness.

Now flip it: Husband:

I needed to get up very early this morning for an important work meeting. Wife was already aware of this, it's not ideal as it's a Sunday and I love spending time with my family but I cannot miss it.
I set my alarm and get up an hour before I have to leave.
I get in the shower, go downstairs and make myself a quick coffee - I really needed that coffee as my brain is all fuddled due to my son being up a lot in the night with my wife, so none of us has a good nights sleep. I offered to help but sov only wanted his mamma as he ill and apparently only she will "do".
I feel for her and I really wish I was at home today to help with him but this meeting is just so important and can't be shifted - it was planned months ago.
I nearly spit my coffee out as my wife suddenly shouts down the stairs at me because I didn't bring son down - he's next to her crying and "needy" and just wants hugs and attention and she shouts that I should be up there for him! I didn't even know he had woken up, heck I didn't even know she had woken up! They were both asleep when I tiptoed down the stairs. Infact I'm even surprised my wife got up and in the shower this early tbh, I thought she'd be enjoying extra time in bed due to such a rough night with son.
Anyway, now I'm being told I'm inconsiderate for not making her a coffee like I normally do. I literally do normally make her a coffee, but again she was asleep and due to such a bad night's sleep I didn't want to wake her up as she looked so peaceful when I left her. I literally left her snoring when I left our bedroom - am I unreasonable that I didn't check on both of them after I got out of the shower and went downstairs?
Anyway I if I don't leave now I will be late. So I would appreciate any replies into why my wife is so angry with me.

How does that sound? There's always two sides to every story.

What a horrible response. It’s 2025 you fuckwit. A boy looking for his parents means he’s a mummy’s boy. What a twat you are

Just re read your original post and I can see I misread a few things. So here is my edited version of husbands events:
I nearly spit my coffee out as my wife suddenly shouts down the stairs at me. She shouts that I'm incredibly inconsiderate as I didn't wait up there for son to wake up whilst she was showering! He's now next to her crying and "needy" and just wants hugs and attention.
I didn't even know she was in the shower, as I left her in bed when I left our room. Although now I think about it, she did mumble something as I left the room but it was incoherent and I didn't think it was anything major.
Time is running away with itself this morning and I really need this coffee to wake my brain up as I had such a bad night's sleep. We all did. I feel for my wife and I wish I could stay with home but I can't and I am going to be late if I don't leave soon. I have ten minutes to check my emails for some of the details of the meeting before I must leave, so I take my coffee upstairs as I check them on my phone and I also look for some socks. Wife is going ballistic as she spots my cup and screams that I should have made her a coffee!
Literally five mins ago everyone was asleep and I was tiptoeing around so as not to wake anyone. Now I'm being screamed at. I know she's tired but I don't have time to pacify both her and our son. I kiss her forehead and apologise, and I pick son up and cuddle him. He stops crying and she walks off.

I tuck him up in our big bed and he snuggles down. Wife slams bathroom door and I shout " I have to go, I love you - I'll see you later" to her.
As I leave the house my head is spinning. I am inconsiderate apparently for not making her a coffee and she has said this to me before. But in all honesty, every time I make myself one it's when I'm super busy and my brain is fried from work so admittedly I didn't think to make her one too. I make a mental note to be more considerate. I know, I'll make dinner later!

Really? Which parts of the talk did you find gross?

I agree. The point is that usually what happens if one person starts consistently showing fondness and admiration (plus doing the other 2 things Gottman mentions - building love maps by asking open ended questions, responding positively to bid for connection) it puts the other person in a position to stay where they are or start copying. It's about rebuilding the friendship.

Of course you always have the choice to leave if they stay where they are.

I didn't watch it - the idea of "thanking" people for doing basic, everyday tasks that they should be doing anyway is what's "gross" to me.

So you would find it gross/disgusting if your partner would say to you "Thanks for cooking the dinner @snoopythebeagle, it was really delicious "?

I totally thought that too, but when I first got together with my DH he would say ‘thanks for cooking’ every single time I made dinner. Or, ‘thanks for sorting the bins’ or ‘thanks for cleaning out the car’

That was not anything that had happened in my family growing up, where everything was framed in terms of duty and drudgery and getting on with it and not making a fuss, and why should anyone thank anyone for doing the basics?

But I found I was really touched by it. Just having it noticed and appreciated that I’m doing boring repetitive stuff all the time to keep the show on the road.

We certainly don’t have a perfect marriage by any means - DH is autistic and I do all the heavy lifting administratively and domestically. But his noticing that I do it and thanking me for it is huge.

It has been a huge struggle for me to thank him when he does things around the house, because of the feminist reluctance to give men a medal for doing basic chores - but his thanking me for the shitwork I do reminds me to appreciate him for enduring a job he really hates in order to support the family while I’m not able to work much around DC’s additional needs.

It feels like we respect each other and value each other even when things are very very hard.

And my marriage is much better, even with all it’s challenges, than my parents’, who were very polite to the outside world but really begrudged complimenting or showing anppreciation to anyone they were close to.

Maybe not gross, but I would find it a bit odd, yes. I don't thank him for emptying the bins, or washing the dishes, or vacuuming - because, like cooking, they're just basic household tasks that need doing every single day.

He's not doing me a favour, he's just doing basic adult tasks, which I don't need to show him appreciation for because he's just doing what he should be doing anyway.

I do find the idea of constantly thanking people for doing normal everyday life a bit gross though, yes. It's almost fake to me.

I think it was just unfortunate timing your son woke up really. I’d just talk to him about the coffee, I’ll admit I’ve been busy in the morning and done the same though but I did feel bad after