Can you encourage your husband to become more considerate?

[nutcracker82]

Is it possible to encourage my husband to become more considerate to others needs or has that ship sailed? I am feeling exasperated by how inconsiderate he can be around the house and in family life and wondering if it will ever change or am I mad to even think it could.

This morning what triggered this was that husband had to get up really early to go to a big work meeting and had to be out the door by 7:30. Our five-year-old son was still asleep (later than usual) because he’s been off school last two days with flu and was sleeping in later than normal. I had been up a few times in the night helping my son with his cough giving medicine water etc so not slept well. My husband goes to have a shower and comes back with 20 minutes left until he has to leave the house. I said I would rushing into the shower now while DS is still asleep as I don’t want to miss my shower and as soon as he wakes up, I’ll probably need to be there to look after him. I took all of five minutes in the shower but when I came out my son was there on the landing crying. Husband had gone downstairs to make himself a coffee and not bothered to listen out for our son who had woken up and come into our bedroom (as he normally does every morning) to find the bed empty and no-one there , and feeling poorly already he became upset saying where is everybody etc. My husband came back upstairs with a coffee (one for himself not one for me - even though I make him a coffee every single morning) and said ‘how was I to know he would wake up’. I’m annoyed because husband goes away for work a lot and I often get up and start getting ready while my son is still asleep but I always listen out for when he’s waking up and go to him when he gets up so he has someone there to say good morning to. My husband could’ve waited to make coffee till I’d finished in the shower or kept his ears pricked for my son to wake up whilst he was downstairs , especially given our son is unwell at the moment. Husband just has no foresight to think about these things or just doesn’t bother or think it applies to him.

The coffee thing also annoys me - why couldn’t he have made me one instead of just for himself - he never thinks about others. I don’t think he ever offers to just make me a coffee without me asking.

Honestly, your posts are starting to read like some kind of 1950’s housewife’s guide to pleasing your husband 🫣

He’s not a dog who needs training, he’s an adult human who should know how to behave without being praised and reinforced constantly.

If you read a little more of what I wrote you'd understand I suggested developing an attitude of general gratitude towards life. This is nothing to do with submissiveness.

"should know how" . But doesn't seem to - what's your suggestion?

I agree with you that stewing on a partner’s faults doesn’t work as a long term strategy.

But I also think it’s a step everyone goes through on the way to either turning things around or making plans to leave, and it’s an important part of retaining some sense of self respect when a relationship feels very one-sided.

A lot of women don’t have enough in the tank to pivot like this - they’re in the trenches with young kids and just trying to survive, without the extra bandwidth to single-handedly take charge of a mission to nourish their marriage in the hope their DH joins them. Or they are ambivalent about the relationship and not sure whether to invest in it anymore, or withdraw and make plans to separate.

And for some, the prospect of showing thanks and appreciation and getting nothing back, as they’d feared, is too much rejection and sadness for them to handle.

I could only manage the thanking thing because my DH did it already - which is because he’s a considerate person to begin with - or at least polite! So there was the raw material there to work with. I didn’t have to swallow my pride and force myself to thank some grumpy shit of a man for picking his own skidmarked pants off the floor.

The husbands who say ‘Yes, I do put myself first’ are not people it’s easy to want to appreciate, and there’s probably a lot of ambivalence there.

I work in mental health and have seen male clients who may be careless or disorganised but care deeply about their partners and children, and their family relationships are most of what they talk about. I have seen others who feel entitled (and/or hard done by not) to have everything done for them and no thing asked in return. These men wouldn’t care at all about being thanked, they just want sex on demand and not to have to pack their own lunches. The second category are often more unhappy, but the person who can help with this is not the female partner they see as less than human.

End the relationship and get some self respect.

I’ve read all your posts and they all come across very 1950’s housewife 🤷‍♀️

Out the door at 7.30am is not having to get up 'really early'. He should have gotten up earlier but he didn't because he was thinking about himself not you or his son.

I agree with you entirely that complaining is an inevitable step on the path. I spent years complaining about my husband's behavior.

I found from experience that selfish behavior in someone else (I'm not talkng about psychopaths here, I'm talking about the 95%+ normally socialised people) can be a defence mechanism to protect them from being vulnerable with a person who isn't safe for them. Complaining and criticizing someone is already enough to make people unsafe.

There are lots of ways to start making someone feel safe. Saying thank you is just one way.

It starts with recognising that what you're doing now isn't working, for either of you.

I also think the OP likely needs to look after herself better. Take more breaks. Tune into her own emotions and tiredness and take responsibility for her own well-being.

Those are some of my thoughts.

Happy for you 😂

I don’t think so. My DH is like this. I now tell him when he’s being selfish etc. It makes a difference for a bit and then he regresses. His whole family is very selfish though. Freud would have a field day with them!!

What a weird thing to say.

I suppose I always come back to the point that your options are

a) Accept
b) Change the way you behave.
c) Leave

Complaining doesn't work.

Are you a man by any chance? No this does not sound accurate at all.

it wasn’t a Sunday?
I was NOT asleep, I was already up and told him I was going into the shower and to be mindful of poorly DC waking up.
he did not tiptoe anywhere.
My husband did NOT wake up in the night. He remained asleep whilst I got up and down with DC.
he does NOT offer to make me a coffee normally.

HTH.

Do you work? I think there is some relevance here.

I think it’s ok he went downstairs, especially if he only has 20 mins to finish getting ready. I’d LTB over the coffee though.

i can see both sides. Your son was ill and you are being extra protective . Your husband is focussed on his important meeting, having a coffee and getting out the door. I’m thinking there is more to this and he’s generally taking you for granted?

Yes I do!

He was ready to go and still had ages before he needed to leave.

OP, What is your Self Care like? How much time do you take just to pamper yourself? How are your energy levels?