Can you encourage your husband to become more considerate?

[nutcracker82]

Is it possible to encourage my husband to become more considerate to others needs or has that ship sailed? I am feeling exasperated by how inconsiderate he can be around the house and in family life and wondering if it will ever change or am I mad to even think it could.

This morning what triggered this was that husband had to get up really early to go to a big work meeting and had to be out the door by 7:30. Our five-year-old son was still asleep (later than usual) because he’s been off school last two days with flu and was sleeping in later than normal. I had been up a few times in the night helping my son with his cough giving medicine water etc so not slept well. My husband goes to have a shower and comes back with 20 minutes left until he has to leave the house. I said I would rushing into the shower now while DS is still asleep as I don’t want to miss my shower and as soon as he wakes up, I’ll probably need to be there to look after him. I took all of five minutes in the shower but when I came out my son was there on the landing crying. Husband had gone downstairs to make himself a coffee and not bothered to listen out for our son who had woken up and come into our bedroom (as he normally does every morning) to find the bed empty and no-one there , and feeling poorly already he became upset saying where is everybody etc. My husband came back upstairs with a coffee (one for himself not one for me - even though I make him a coffee every single morning) and said ‘how was I to know he would wake up’. I’m annoyed because husband goes away for work a lot and I often get up and start getting ready while my son is still asleep but I always listen out for when he’s waking up and go to him when he gets up so he has someone there to say good morning to. My husband could’ve waited to make coffee till I’d finished in the shower or kept his ears pricked for my son to wake up whilst he was downstairs , especially given our son is unwell at the moment. Husband just has no foresight to think about these things or just doesn’t bother or think it applies to him.

The coffee thing also annoys me - why couldn’t he have made me one instead of just for himself - he never thinks about others. I don’t think he ever offers to just make me a coffee without me asking.

I will add though, both DH and I are neuro-diverse and neither of us do well with anything other than straightforward communication. We can also both be very black and white in our thinking.

We divide jobs up based on our abilities and it wouldn't occur to either of us to thank the other for doing their "job". Just like we don't thank each other for paying our share of the bills or the mortgage, or for going to work everyday - it's just something that needs to be done, so we do it.

We're also probably a bit unusual by MN standards as we don't eat the same food (and rarely eat at the same time) and are generally quite independent from each other in the house.

It may feel odd to start with but once you start giving and receiving appreciation even for small things it can transform your view on the world.

You start scanning the environment for things to appreciate.

Once it became a habit I found myself appreciating shopkeepers for very nice displays, call centre staff for being helpful, colleagues, neighbours, siblings... I noticed it always brought a smile to their face.

It costs nothing and it really builds goodwill.

A friend of mine had a contentious divorce. She noticed after that among other things her ex almost never thanked her or anyone else for stuff.

Saying thank you makes you slightly vulnerable and I think that's why it feels odd.

We're all different - I'm glad it works for you but it's not for me or my marriage.

Nothing to do with feeling uncomfortable or vulnerable either, I just like knowing my job is X and getting on with it, while DH's is Y, and he gets on with that.

We recently had this in the last week except our youngest 3 the twins who are 2 and a single 3 were the ill ones...hubby had to leave for 7 every morning but although I say keep an ear out he still went downstairs to get ready make coffee for both of us as 2 of the 3 did patter downstairs coughing and snivelling but I had no problem with it, end of the day hubby has to work and I know they go down fine or will shout out if they really want something...all they wanted was a top up of medicine and tucked back up...but ye hubby is good he will do me a coffee to and on the days I'm not up when he goes he always leaves coffee in a cup and kettle or machine full and ready to turn on

You're being ridiculous OP. Your DH had to get to work and your son is 5.

Reality of most men... sadly

Reading this, I see you're son is ill.. but you don't need to have a shower before he wakes up.. surely he can be left alone for 5 minutes later in the day for you to have a shower? You chose to have one when he might wake up

I think YABU. I rarely get drinks for everyone, unless we have guests. I just don’t see the point, but I also would never expect for people to make me drinks. If I want a drink I will get one myself, and would expect everyone else to sort themselves out too!

Otherwise what happens is one person always ends up doing it all the time. See also making packed lunches and washing. I don’t want people doing stuff for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy to do everything for other people.

I don't even think that's possible. It's hard wired. Unless you breed with the most selfless man if you can find one.
What i do is provide clear instructions. It's more a me the manager and him the worker role. But at least that way I'm not stuck doing everything and it seems to work

I would also relex about your son, he's a big boy now

Why the man bashing?
At least two of the women on this thread found ithe idea of thanking their partners repulsive?

To be fair, a lot of women have had pretty awful experiences of relationships with men. I don't see the need to police their expressions of disappointment and disillusionment.

Of course it's ok and normal to want to let off steam.

The reason I commented on the 'man-bashing' is that it actually became a corrosive part of my thinking as well after reading so much of it on here when struggling in my own relationship, so maybe that's why I called it out.

After nearly calling an end to my own relationship I had to learn the hard way; that romantic relationships are a dynamic involving two volunteers. And if a woman (or man) is disappointed with their experience, the way forward that actually works longer term is to examine their own contribution to the dynamic, rather than complain or make broad stereotypes about another gender.

(I am not referring to abusive situations where outside help or leaving the relationship would be a better course.)

PS And I am now still happily together with the person I learned to be more appreciative of. It's not the only thing I changed but it kick-started a new way of thinking.

Oh my actual fuck.
Is it 2 five year old she has?

My dh is very kind and considerate. He brings me coffee every morning before he leaves for work. When the kids were small he would wake me with a coffee before I got them up.
But I can tell u this, if he carried on like the ops dh, id be having a conversation too. But it wld go like this
' if you think im spending the rest of my life living with an inconsiderate shite who cant even make me a coffee when OUR child has been sick, you've got another think coming. I make you one without asking and I expect you to grow up and stop and think of the people you live with, what with us meant to be a team and all that'
And then id remind him that I dont actually have to put up with a selfish arse as its 2025.

Thats what id do.

Christ. Not in my experience.

This a bit too much like victim blaming for me and it makes for quite uncomfortable reading.

Which part sounds like victim blaming?

How does showing gratitude to a person, even for small things they do, turn them into a 5 year old?

I show plenty of gratitude.
But i dont Infantalise him. Which IMO is what this suggests.
I do not subscribe to the 'please be nice to me' way of thinking.
Either do, or jog on.

The OP has asked specifically "Can you encourage your husband to become more considerate? "

Surely encouragement is positive reinforcement, not telling someone that you won't put up with their shit (=threat), or refusing to thank them because it's 'gross' ( = I'm not willing to be conscious about and recognize the effort you make)?

Also, recognising you also have some contribution to a situation is taking back some power - far from being a victim, it gives you some power to change the dynamic.

I'm not saying she can't vent her frustration and they're not valid
But once you've finished complaining, what then?

This is all assuming the OP is not married to a sociopathic maniac.

It's not "please be nice to me" when you offer a sincere thanks. That's not the spirit of the exercise. No one is telling the OP to not express her needs. What I was suggesting is that she could warm up the atmosphere in the spirit of positivity.

Your husband does sound selfish and I suspect that is pretty fixed but you play your own part in your family dynamics here too. Your expectations in relation to a 5 year old, even one who isn’t feeling well are very babyish. I suspect yours is a common enough dynamic an under carer and an over carer.

The bit about changing your behaviour and showing more gratitude so that your partner changes his own ways.

It reads like you’re saying “he’s behaving like that because you’re not gracious enough”.

You don't show more gratitude with an agenda. You show it because you want to do it. No strings attached. It's about becoming a more conscious person, for you, not for them.

In relationships, when one person evolves, it puts the other person in position to to have to decide if they want the relationship or not - ie to evolve with them or to stay stuck.

Honestly, do you not see how cringeworthy that sounds? OP is not a 1950’s housewife who needs to plaster on a smile and thank her husband for his every action 😂