I had an affair

[1millionx]

I am scared to post this.

I had an affair with my colleague. It lasted a few months then my partner found out. Our relationship ended quite quickly and I asked to be bought out, and started living half the week with my mum, until an incident between us meant I felt I couldn't go home at all. I then moved in with my mum permanently and I'm still there waiting to move into my new house.

We have two young children and had a house together, and i had never considered the option of leaving before the affair. Because on the face of it leaving wouldn't have made sense because we had so many life boxes ticked off. But for years it had told myself 'you can't have it all and you can be happy enough'.

I have always been a very emotional person. I have tried in various ways to communicate with him over the years that I need him to be emotionally available but he just isn't. I realised when I was pregnant with our second that it was never going to happen and I would never have this kind of relationship with him, one that I can only describe as craving so badly.

He has never been 'my person' because that's not a level we've ever met on. We've always been close friends but I just couldn't really go to him for a deeper level of support. He knew this and it never seemed to bother him. To the point I now wonder do I ask too much because I'm questioning everything about myself. We've never had blazing rows and then done the big makeup after. We argue then it gets glossed over because in the background I do all the emotional recovery on my own. I don't think he's ever really understood that. I never saw him as someone I could rely on emotionally because he just doesn't have the maturity or skill set to hold space for deep communication.

Anyway it doesn't matter now because we aren't together anymore. It's just that there is this huge void left. It all feels so unaddressed. He says he's devastated but he's focused on moving forward, and that seems to be coming easily to him. I am a mess most days. I miss him.

I feel horrific guilt for breaking his trust. I want to work on things, starting with addressing my own behaviour because it was me who completely ruined our relationship. That was a choice I made and it was absolutely wrong. I don't know if I can be in a relationship with him (not that I have a choice I don't think, and rightly so). Unless he could work on himself too. But I still have this probably unrealistic hope that he might turn round and say 'I want to work on our relationship and I don't want to lose you'. Instead I feel like he's just let me go. He says he can't trust me which I completely get. Of course he can't.

I think initially he did want to work on us, but when I asked what this would look like, it felt like he wanted me to do all the work and couldn't really answer what he would bring to the reconciliation. I selfishly wanted him to say he’d start trying harder to be there for me more. And in my gut I knew I couldn’t stay if it meant there wouldn’t be change.

The affair started because I think I had basically given up altogether. I no longer communicated about feelings, because I knew it would amount to nothing, and I was still breastfeeding our 1 year old and was exhausted. The affair gave me a lot of emotional validation and I'll be honest I have never felt safety like it. It felt like someone was carrying the weight of the world for me and I could breathe. I felt so looked after. I still see the affair partner daily through work though I have ended the affair. I don't want to be with him. And I'm aware that if there was ever a future for me and my ex I would need to change jobs.

I know that I will never ever hurt anyone ever again. But I will also never be in a relationship again where my needs are unmet because I end up feeling too vulnerable myself (this will probably sound rich considering).

I have some days where I just can't cope with myself for what I did. I am getting counselling. I don't really know what I'm writing this for, other than perspective maybe. I want my ex to be happy though. I want that for us both however it looks. And I want to be a better person for the rest of my life. I wish so much now that I had ended our relationship in the hope that maybe a separation would have kickstarted a positive change in us. I didn’t know how to do that at the time. I am gutted beyond words that I have probably prevented that from ever happening. My god I do miss him and I miss our friendship so much.

Thanks for reading and please be gentle because I can assure you there's no one that can beat me up more than I'm beating up myself x

Unclear what you want from this thread but it sounds like you fucked around and found out.

I do think it’s nonsense that you “didn’t know how to do a separation at the time”. You could have done it if you wanted to, you just preferred the easy gratification of an affair.

Weaseling away from what you’ve done won’t help you become the better person you claim to want to be.

You had an affair, which was your right to do. The reasons don’t matter.

But, you need to own it, and not try to justify it.

OP, just read what you have written. You don't love him as you should, you knew he was like he is since long ago and carry on. You gave up and you cheated. You want all giving little in return. Work on yourself and move on. He is not responsible of what you have done.
Heal and move forward.

I think it’s time to close the book on your old relationship and to look forward to the future and how that might pan out.

I must admit, it rankles with me when someone has an affair but puts blame on the other person - it’s such a cop out. “Yes I was bad - but you’re not perfect either!” That’s not taking accountability properly. You had options, you could have left, you could have separated temporarily, you could have looked in detail at your relationship and spoken to your partner about changes that needed to be made, rather than found solace with someone else. You went the selfish route and there are kids involved which makes it so much worse to be honest.

I’m not having a go, I am not trying to make you feel worse, but it sounds like you need to be more honest with yourself as your post is much more about how this situation is due to your former partner, than your own poor choices. For what it’s worth, I think it’s probably for the best that he doesn’t want to reconcile.

So basically it sounds like you are blaming the fact that he is not emotionally available for you having an affair? Even though you always knew what he was like before you married him and that this was the kind of person he was.

You had the affair but you think he should do some work to win you back? He has never been your person and you could never rely on him emotionally yet you want to get him back? Why?

You lost the trust, you ruined your relationship and I think you should let him go and find 'his person' while you go and 'find yours'.

Own your mistake, accept that its over, work on yourself so you don't hurt anyone else like this again and move on.

I don’t know what you want from this, but an affair destroys someone’s faith in human nature and this can take years to come back, if it ever does.

What you want from him is totally unrealistic. You want him to say that he drove you away and that you were both at fault and you can go forward on that basis.

But reverse it. Had he had an affair when you were totally devoted to him, how would you have felt?

You can either go back to him and take full responsibility and try to get his trust back by full transparency. Or you can move on?

There is no point in beating yourself up forever. Good people do bad things. Therapy for you will be very helpful. You can say you will never cheat again but, unless you really understand why you did it, you won’t really know.

You’re just panicking at the moment as you’ve lost the security of him, but have learnt a valuable lesson about what you need, and how to deal with it when that’s not forthcoming. No judgement at all from me, I did similar in the past. Now is the time to rebuild and work on yourself, you’ll find someone more emotionally available once you’ve healed from all this I’m sure. I did.

God what a bunch of self pitying drivel. It’s over, he binned you off for shagging around. Accept it and move on.

I assume he was home caring for your children whilst you were shagging?

You have learnt your lesson.
Your ex will move on and eventually have a good life.
And you'll hopefully make better choices next time.

Hi OP. I read your post in full and I completely understand your perspective and your emotions.

There are other betrayals that happen in marriages that aren't punished as harshly as infidelity but cause as much if not more damage, .e.g being controlling, being emotionally unavailable, taking someone for granted for years, disrespecting that person in front of others.

I don't think having an affairs is the worst thing in the world honestly. I never have had one btw. You should stop hating yourself - your affair catalysed what clearly needed to happen which is a relationship that wasnt working breaking up.

I really don't think you should berate yourself anymore - affairs happen a lot and it sounds like you've done your penance etc?

What you are feeling makes sense to me and i wish you best of luck for next chapter in life

Just focus on co-parenting your kids. You could suggest using a parenting app for this, so he doesn't need to speak to you.

She’s not berating herself, she’s blaming him at the same time as wanting him back, likely as she’s homeless and living with her mother.

It seems to me that you are (again) looking to take the easy way out.

You could have continued to work on your marriage and chose not to.
You could have honorably divorced but chose not to.
You say you want your ex to be happy but are flip flopping about whether that could be with you- it looks like you want to stay married to avoid the hassle of divorce, but preferably if your ex had a different personality.
You are spinning a bit of sob story so people won’t think badly of you.

When you have a affair, the standard outcome is that your spouse is not well disposed towards and they bad mouth you for their own amusement.
I know my marriage was far from perfect and that I contributed to that, but my ex-husband carries all the shame because he couldn’t talk to me, or keep it in his pants.

Just accept that you don’t love him enough as he is to sustain a good marriage, and then move on.
In a couple of years no one will care- they really won’t. So try to grow up a bit and learn to take responsibility for your own actions.

OP isn't married, so just the house and parenting to sort with the ex.

I also should have asked before how he ‘found out’. Did you admit to it, or did he have to go though a painful revelation? That makes a huge difference too.

I don't think it's a bad thing to look back at a relationship and identify why it was unfulfilling, so long as you can acknowledge that the choice to cheat instead of working at it was yours and yours alone. Knowing what your needs are and how to communicate them are vital relationship skills. As is knowing when to stop flogging a dead horse. Hopefully, you've learned a lot from this.

You need to knock the idea of a reconciliation on the head. Now. You aren't compatible and never have been by the sound of it, even without the complication of infidelity to contend with.

There are other betrayals that happen in marriages that aren't punished as harshly as infidelity but cause as much if not more damage, .e.g being controlling, being emotionally unavailable, taking someone for granted for years, disrespecting that person in front of others.

You’re mashing up a few different things here. Being controlling and disrespecting your partner (whether behind closed doors or in public) are abusive and toxic.

Being emotionally unavailable or taking someone for granted can be relational laziness or in the first case, a sign of neurodivergence, and while they can damage a relationship, are not toxic behaviours.

Having an affair, like all lying in relationships, is an act of abuse and is toxic. Frankly I don’t think there is any coming back in a relationship when abuse has been present.

If the abuser leaves and commits seriously to changing their behaviour and thinking, maybe there is a chance they can have a different, healthier relationship in the future. But experts say abusers rarely really change, and in any case, I think the relationship in which the committed abuse can’t and shouldn’t be fixed.

I know a few people who had affairs, they've all had similar traits - some mentioned already.
Do you think anyone will ever live up to your standards ?
Do you think you give as good as you want ?

Hopefully you can move on in time and learn to live with this.

How are things with your dc ?
Are they old enough to know and understand what you did?
I would recommend letting them be angry with you of that's what they are feeling.
Not letting them process that will just lead to resentment. I speak from bitter experience.

Draw a line and get some therapy.

Im really struggling with the fact you had an affair when you were still breast feeding your baby. And claiming it was as you were exhausted. Not to exhausted to go shagging. And you want him to work on it.

im sorry but you’ve a lot of work to do on yourself, i really dint give a crap about infidelity in certain circumstances, marriages that are long dead etc. but this tale and the self pitying excuses, whilst shagging around when breast feeding and blaming your ex has repulsed me.

I read the first four paragraphs thinking, ‘ok…’ and then you go on to write that this man who is so clearly not for you, who was never really bothered or available for any relationship…you want to work things out with him? I understand feeling bad for him and to wish him well, but be honest: what you’re wanting from him now are the same things you wanted before and didn’t get. Passion, fire in his belly, fight. He’s not cut out for it. Stop longing it won’t happen. You were NOT satisfied. Not happy. That was before an affair was thrown into the mix.
You’ll find someone who adores you in time. Which is what you were seeking all along.

Sometimes people have completely different standards / perspectives too.
The OP could just be incredibly self centred and needy, the stbx might not be emotionally unavailable at all.
One of them might be more at fault or they might just be uncompatable.
No excuse for an affair though.
I don't judge the op for it but I won't excuse it

It's interesting that you don't want to be with the affair partner now you're free to be. (or is he married?)

When you 'had' your x you weren't happy and threw a granade into the relationship. You still say he wasn't enough. But you want him back. Why??