I had an affair

[1millionx]

I am scared to post this.

I had an affair with my colleague. It lasted a few months then my partner found out. Our relationship ended quite quickly and I asked to be bought out, and started living half the week with my mum, until an incident between us meant I felt I couldn't go home at all. I then moved in with my mum permanently and I'm still there waiting to move into my new house.

We have two young children and had a house together, and i had never considered the option of leaving before the affair. Because on the face of it leaving wouldn't have made sense because we had so many life boxes ticked off. But for years it had told myself 'you can't have it all and you can be happy enough'.

I have always been a very emotional person. I have tried in various ways to communicate with him over the years that I need him to be emotionally available but he just isn't. I realised when I was pregnant with our second that it was never going to happen and I would never have this kind of relationship with him, one that I can only describe as craving so badly.

He has never been 'my person' because that's not a level we've ever met on. We've always been close friends but I just couldn't really go to him for a deeper level of support. He knew this and it never seemed to bother him. To the point I now wonder do I ask too much because I'm questioning everything about myself. We've never had blazing rows and then done the big makeup after. We argue then it gets glossed over because in the background I do all the emotional recovery on my own. I don't think he's ever really understood that. I never saw him as someone I could rely on emotionally because he just doesn't have the maturity or skill set to hold space for deep communication.

Anyway it doesn't matter now because we aren't together anymore. It's just that there is this huge void left. It all feels so unaddressed. He says he's devastated but he's focused on moving forward, and that seems to be coming easily to him. I am a mess most days. I miss him.

I feel horrific guilt for breaking his trust. I want to work on things, starting with addressing my own behaviour because it was me who completely ruined our relationship. That was a choice I made and it was absolutely wrong. I don't know if I can be in a relationship with him (not that I have a choice I don't think, and rightly so). Unless he could work on himself too. But I still have this probably unrealistic hope that he might turn round and say 'I want to work on our relationship and I don't want to lose you'. Instead I feel like he's just let me go. He says he can't trust me which I completely get. Of course he can't.

I think initially he did want to work on us, but when I asked what this would look like, it felt like he wanted me to do all the work and couldn't really answer what he would bring to the reconciliation. I selfishly wanted him to say he’d start trying harder to be there for me more. And in my gut I knew I couldn’t stay if it meant there wouldn’t be change.

The affair started because I think I had basically given up altogether. I no longer communicated about feelings, because I knew it would amount to nothing, and I was still breastfeeding our 1 year old and was exhausted. The affair gave me a lot of emotional validation and I'll be honest I have never felt safety like it. It felt like someone was carrying the weight of the world for me and I could breathe. I felt so looked after. I still see the affair partner daily through work though I have ended the affair. I don't want to be with him. And I'm aware that if there was ever a future for me and my ex I would need to change jobs.

I know that I will never ever hurt anyone ever again. But I will also never be in a relationship again where my needs are unmet because I end up feeling too vulnerable myself (this will probably sound rich considering).

I have some days where I just can't cope with myself for what I did. I am getting counselling. I don't really know what I'm writing this for, other than perspective maybe. I want my ex to be happy though. I want that for us both however it looks. And I want to be a better person for the rest of my life. I wish so much now that I had ended our relationship in the hope that maybe a separation would have kickstarted a positive change in us. I didn’t know how to do that at the time. I am gutted beyond words that I have probably prevented that from ever happening. My god I do miss him and I miss our friendship so much.

Thanks for reading and please be gentle because I can assure you there's no one that can beat me up more than I'm beating up myself x

I think you need to grieve for the end of your marriage.
You checked out enough to have an affair, you seem to recognise that your marriage was on the rocks beforehand, but the affair meant you didn't have to deal with the end of the relationship. Now you do.
It's very sad and it's OK to be very sad and to grieve. It sounds like there's no way back for your husband however and I think you probably need to face up to that sooner than later so that you can heal and move on too.

OP, I think you nailed it when you said he wasn’t your person. It’s not entirely uncommon. Were you right to go off and have an affair? No. But doing so brought things to a head. Don’t dwell on what was wrong in your relationship and why, accept it, apologise genuinely without qualification or excuses or blame and live your life. Life is so very short, learn from this, and hold out for the right person for the right reasons. You have children, so do your best to co-parent respectfully and sensibly.

Sending a solidarity hug.

do you think you will ever tell him? Or do you think deep down he suspects or knows the full extent?

I hope things are better now ♥️

I’m in the situation when I was cheated on very recently. And whilst I always thought that TV and films overdramatised it, it is one of the worst experiences I have had. I didn’t realise that my body would go into a physical state of shock whereby I stopped eating and I didn’t realise how much it really really messes with your head. I couldn’t tell truth from lies and I lost so much respect for my now ex. Even though we had such amazing times, and I could see that factors on my side could have played a role, the one question I had for him is why didn’t you just let me go if you were not ready to commit or if you went sure if you wanted me.

What hurts is that I put 100% and he was only half there.

Im sharing this to say that your partner needs the space. Regardless of if he is emotionally available or not, he is probably feeling something right now. And it is painful when kids are involved - as it is with my situation.

I would advise that you work on yourself. You both need to heal. You also need to apologise and mean it and take full responsibility. You will be in each others lives as you have the children, so you will have to meet and make arrangements, but before you do that, he needs a moment to reflect and calm down and get to a place where he can face you. And you need to be willing to answer his questions without any blame, you can use this as an opportunity to address your relationship, but it sounds like you are done with it. So definitely move on, and don’t get back with him as it seems that you are either him for convenience as opposed to love.

Sorry OP sounds to me like you just want a Disney relationship and ending.

Take responsibility for your actions and don’t blame your OH.

You were exhausted, breastfeeding but had the energy to have an affair - are you for real?

Your expectations sound unrealistic and I think your OH knows this and that’s why he isn’t going to ride in on his white horse.

Save yourself. Own what you did. Spend time with your therapist on understanding realistic expectations from your partner. Set a better example for your children (who don’t really seem to be mentioned).

Agree with all of this. Perfectly said.

Thank you, I just hope anyone who is about to start an affair stops and thinks they are not worth it. As like many I got feelings and that makes things even messier. He know it was a bit physical but not to the full extent, it was at least 3 years ago now. I am glad you came through it, I decided to stop my behaviour and work on what I really wanted. I hope OP works this out somehow, maybe her ex will go to counselling with her?

I wanted to hone in on one particular thing you mentioned which seems to be at the root of your dissatisfaction

"We've always been close friends but I just couldn't really go to him for a deeper level of support."

What this suggests to me is that you have some form Clinger - Avoider dynamic going on, where he is the Avoider.

This is a really important part of the puzzle.

I suggest you look into Imago Relationship therapy. Imago suggests we actually CHOOSE our partners BECAUSE they don't meet certain needs, because that feels Familiar to us from childhood

Basically a clingy child that has parents/carefgivers who were not reliably responsive, grows into an adult who feels "comfortable" with this sort of dynamic and seeks out a partner who will be similar.

It is worth pointing this out as this is something you need to learn how to solve (how to meet your own needs for connection without demanding it from a partner) as it is likely to resurface in future, whether you reconcile or start a new relationship.

Your affair partner briefly felt great as he 'babied' you, ie paid you the attention the 'baby' You (the One that now has to grow up and meet her needs) craved.

A great article to read on this is here: https://www.alturtle.com/archives/100

The great news is that this is really solvable and you don't need to feel empty like this once you learn how to do it.

I’m not sure the op is coming back. I don’t think she got the answers she wanted, possibly along the lines of it’s his fault.

shes doesn’t want this guy, everything she says about him is basically negative, when she’s lovely about the affair partner, she clearly just wants whay he can give her, it’s the lifestyle she misses.

Thanks for all replies. I’m not replying to specific posters but to clarify I am not homeless…..I also haven’t spoken about my kids because I came on here for myself and have no intention to discuss them. I wanted brutal honesty haha. I didn’t want to use my post to write a remorseful apology to my ex, I wanted to get things out my head that I feel about my relationship - my own behaviour and his.

Im away to shave my devil horns and stick my forked tail in my pants and head off to work. Have a lovely day ladies xx

She’s come here for support. There was no need for your comment at all.

This sort of comment is about the poster being triggered in some way and nothing to do with the OP. The poster needs to feel briefly morally superior as a self protection mechanism. That's my view anyway.

I’m not remotely triggered, in fact I’m long term happily married, genuinely, but it was a lot of self pitying drivel, blaming her husband. Do I feel morally superior, no but I do feel a bit disgusted by a breast feeding woman having an affair and blaming the husband whilst talking kindly about her lover, and wanting to get back with the ex. You don’t fair enough. I do.

"But experts say abusers rarely really change, and in any case, I think the relationship in which the committed abuse can’t and shouldn’t be fixed."

Which experts are these? What would be the point of therapy if people couldn't change? Your statement doesn't hold up to evidence. People change when THEY want it enough.

Go back on your post and count up how many " I " you have put .
Sorry to say , but you come across as quite self centred .
When talking of your relationship how many " we " are there ?
Isn't a relationship more of those and less of the I ?

Your feeling of disgust is created inside of you. You created it. The OP simply gave you data on her situation. You then chose to project your disgust in a way that was unhelpful. That's how I've understood that feelings work.

Focus on your children and how to move forward to a new life stage.

Are your children living with you?

I thought it was helpful because there is still a sentiment in the OP of 'poor me, why won't he fight for me after I cheated on him, don't want the 2nd guy either' like it hasn't sunk in how he doesn't owe her fighting for after this.

Sometimes a sharptongued comment is what a poster needs to be jolted back to reality than an echo chamber of 'there there, love'

Sometimes kindness is what is needed - but that's just my opinion.

Really? As you made a horrible asumpion about me.

You knew what your partner was like before you had children with him. Yet you chose him to be the Father to your clearly young children, and hoped he would change. Your partner hasn't changed and was never going to give you what you need. You knew this really, deep down before children were ever thought about. You could have chosen to split up a long time ago, but you chose to continue in the relationship and have children with him. You finally realised after your second child was born that your partner isn't able to give you what you need, and consoled yourself with an affair. Your partner found out, and understandably is incredibly upset and has decided to end the relationship. Yes, you feel guilty and you may feel remorse. However, your partner isn't the right person for you - he doesn't understand or isn't capable of meeting your emotional needs. Perhaps he simply doesn't want too! So what exactly would be the point of reconciling with him?!! He's not going to change, he clearly doesn't see he needs too. By all means you have the counselling, but you have to accept the relationship has ended and it's permanent. It gives you both the opportunity to move forward, and to find partners that do make you happy.

Please take the focus back off yourself

@Franklyannoyed I can't edit the above post which was rather blunt but I stand by the fact that I think your comments were not made in a spirit of kindness. Having projected your disgust to the OP, you are feeling offended that it has been pointed out. Again, the feeling of being offended is inside of you. I gave you data about my perception. I did not attack your personally. As I said, these are my perceptions and not facts

Oh dear your update is not remorseful in the slightest your either masking or showing your true colours - do you even know/want to know who you truly are so you can work on your damaged and damaging self. Maybe show some kindness (don’t know your background bit im guessing that’s not something you were taught) what type of person do you want to be, im assuming not the one youve been or the one being defensive/unremorseful here?