I had an affair

[1millionx]

I am scared to post this.

I had an affair with my colleague. It lasted a few months then my partner found out. Our relationship ended quite quickly and I asked to be bought out, and started living half the week with my mum, until an incident between us meant I felt I couldn't go home at all. I then moved in with my mum permanently and I'm still there waiting to move into my new house.

We have two young children and had a house together, and i had never considered the option of leaving before the affair. Because on the face of it leaving wouldn't have made sense because we had so many life boxes ticked off. But for years it had told myself 'you can't have it all and you can be happy enough'.

I have always been a very emotional person. I have tried in various ways to communicate with him over the years that I need him to be emotionally available but he just isn't. I realised when I was pregnant with our second that it was never going to happen and I would never have this kind of relationship with him, one that I can only describe as craving so badly.

He has never been 'my person' because that's not a level we've ever met on. We've always been close friends but I just couldn't really go to him for a deeper level of support. He knew this and it never seemed to bother him. To the point I now wonder do I ask too much because I'm questioning everything about myself. We've never had blazing rows and then done the big makeup after. We argue then it gets glossed over because in the background I do all the emotional recovery on my own. I don't think he's ever really understood that. I never saw him as someone I could rely on emotionally because he just doesn't have the maturity or skill set to hold space for deep communication.

Anyway it doesn't matter now because we aren't together anymore. It's just that there is this huge void left. It all feels so unaddressed. He says he's devastated but he's focused on moving forward, and that seems to be coming easily to him. I am a mess most days. I miss him.

I feel horrific guilt for breaking his trust. I want to work on things, starting with addressing my own behaviour because it was me who completely ruined our relationship. That was a choice I made and it was absolutely wrong. I don't know if I can be in a relationship with him (not that I have a choice I don't think, and rightly so). Unless he could work on himself too. But I still have this probably unrealistic hope that he might turn round and say 'I want to work on our relationship and I don't want to lose you'. Instead I feel like he's just let me go. He says he can't trust me which I completely get. Of course he can't.

I think initially he did want to work on us, but when I asked what this would look like, it felt like he wanted me to do all the work and couldn't really answer what he would bring to the reconciliation. I selfishly wanted him to say he’d start trying harder to be there for me more. And in my gut I knew I couldn’t stay if it meant there wouldn’t be change.

The affair started because I think I had basically given up altogether. I no longer communicated about feelings, because I knew it would amount to nothing, and I was still breastfeeding our 1 year old and was exhausted. The affair gave me a lot of emotional validation and I'll be honest I have never felt safety like it. It felt like someone was carrying the weight of the world for me and I could breathe. I felt so looked after. I still see the affair partner daily through work though I have ended the affair. I don't want to be with him. And I'm aware that if there was ever a future for me and my ex I would need to change jobs.

I know that I will never ever hurt anyone ever again. But I will also never be in a relationship again where my needs are unmet because I end up feeling too vulnerable myself (this will probably sound rich considering).

I have some days where I just can't cope with myself for what I did. I am getting counselling. I don't really know what I'm writing this for, other than perspective maybe. I want my ex to be happy though. I want that for us both however it looks. And I want to be a better person for the rest of my life. I wish so much now that I had ended our relationship in the hope that maybe a separation would have kickstarted a positive change in us. I didn’t know how to do that at the time. I am gutted beyond words that I have probably prevented that from ever happening. My god I do miss him and I miss our friendship so much.

Thanks for reading and please be gentle because I can assure you there's no one that can beat me up more than I'm beating up myself x

Where are the children living?

If you were ever interested in trying to get him to forgive you why didn’t you try and get a different job straight away?

Your taking no accountability for your behaviour your only using words but it’s actions that count, yes you are “blaming” your husband for your loose morals (basically dropping your knickers). You come across as entitled and selfish it’s all about your needs being met. Hate to say it but he’s probably better off without you and isn’t fighting for you because he actually knows his worth and it’s better than you. Best thing you could do is find a therapist and work out why you need this “deep/intense” relationship and you can’t be content and happy. Is there a hangover from your childhood or daddy issues ? Work on yourself & try and actively become a better person maybe a giver rather than a taker

Leave him alone to move on in peace OP. He deserves that.

I think initially he did want to work on us, but when I asked what this would look like, it felt like he wanted me to do all the work and couldn't really answer what he would bring to the reconciliation.

You had the affair. You were banging a work dude and you're saying your husband doesn't have the maturity and skill set to deal with you. Ummm. You blew up the marriage and self sabotaged. Yes, you would do the work of reconciliation. What he would bring would be willingness to reconcile. Expecting more, pfffft.

You're still blaming him for your actions. You're not in the headspace for a real reconciliation and it sounds like he's moving on with his life.

I do all the emotional recovery on my own.

It sounds like you expected him to do the work of emotionally regulating you instead of you working on yourself through therapy. He isn't and wasn't your therapist.

Your marriage is over. You're getting therapy, that's it.

I agree. He may or may not have all the faults you think he had, but that’s for him to work on (if he needs to).

Maybe you could have some counselling, understand why you took the unfair way out and how you can change. Then let go of it.

Ahhh bless nothing like an affair post to bring out all the holier than thous.

I’ll tell ya my story @1millionx

i ended up cheating on my DP - such a stupid stupid mistake and I still can’t quite fathom why.

I thought my relationship was in the pan. We didn’t talk or communicate, I thought he’d completely checked out and was holding space for someone we knew who was about to leave her partner.

Then I started talking to someone else and it was like someone was finally acknowledging me again. It started out as an emotional affair and then it became physical and then ended very quickly when my DP found out.

But that’s probably where our similarities end.

my DP was devastated, I was devastated that I’d hurt him. I still loved him - that had never changed - but I had needed more from him than he was giving.

we were separating. I accepted that. Didn’t want it but couldn’t blame my DP. And then after about 7 weeks of heartache and agony we started slowly communicating again. Turned out he still loved me unconditionally.

He recognised that he had dropped the ball - that I needed his emotional presence to know that he was still checked in. I recognised that I should have given him the respect and credit to tell him that and given him the chance to work on that instead of doing what I did.

we made a choice to love each other and trust each other and put our issues in the past and move forward. We stayed together, we are still together and we are good together. We love and trust each other and most importantly we are emotionally bonded.

I will never know if my affair actually ended up saving our relationship. It’s weird to think of it that way. I regret it bitterly and even many years later I still internally beat myself up over it.

but what I am trying to demonstrate is that my affair was a catalyst for positive change. It came from perhaps the same place as yours but the outcome was different

my partner wanted to fight for me and us as did I - and yours kinda seems to be “oh well what’s done is done and I’m gonna move on”. and it makes me wonder why you want to reconcile when he’s giving all the behaviours you claim led to your affair anyway?

in contrast you talk about your affair partner very kindly. Mine was an utter tw@t

who is the right person for you OP?

You’re hoping that he will change. The only person you can change is yourself, and it sounds like that’s what you want to do.
i think it would be hard to change yourself and rekindle your marriage at the same time.
concentrate on yourself only. One day your marriage might have a chance again but you will have to accept your husband, rather than wish to change him.
also your post is very very long!

Despite your post criticising him for not being emotionally available or having the capacity for deep thinking or conversation, it appears that you are have little emotional intelligence or insight yourself!

Your post is very self indulgent.
It deflects blame on to him.
You blame him for not suggesting solutions for your fuck up!

If he is as awful you in your post, why do you even want him back? The relationship doesn't work. You are incompatible.

Sounds like you fucked about, got found out, had 2 men, now have none but somehow still think it's not your fault.

Some sentences in your post indicate that you actually need to learn how to be comfortable and resilent by yourself. You need to get there before any future relationships have a chance of success.

I mean I read all of this and just thought... What about your children?

Who are they living with?
What about them?

I can understand you were unhappy and not in your right mind... the breastfeeding and affair i dont get....but 🤷🏻‍♀️

you need to understand...this isnt one bad choice... these are a series of sustained bad choices.... including the latest one where after blowing up your life you want to get back with your awful sounding ex and go back to your old life.....??? What? Why?

what's is driving this behaviour?

You sound desperately unhappy and damaged... I'd start with therapy and focusing on your kids needs and stop thinking about who to shag next...

@1millionx

I think you need to grow up really quickly now - and explore in counselling your seemingly very fantastical expectation of what a real life relationship really is.
It’s all fine talking about your partner not being emotionally available…

But then you say things like - ‘we don’t have blazing rows, make up afterward’…- meaning you think that level of high drama is NORMAL? it is Not.

By what you say - you want some sort of a relationship with drama and high emotions. And you want your partner to behave like a teenage boy in love - with focus on YOUR emotions, etc. The deep conversations, sharing, unity of souls, maybe?

Yes - in books and movies this is how love works. In reality - good friendship that you had is a really good basis for a long term relationship with a true companionship. And of course - there needs to be closeness and romance. BUT you seem to expect your partner to serve as your emotional manager - where you seem to not carry responsibility for processing your own emotions.

Sure - in an affair setting, that does not deal with any sort of real life - this sort of narcissistic expectation of the man focusing on YOU and YOUR emotions works. He sensed it’s what you wanted/needed - and he gave it to you, for the obvious reasons…
But in a relationship - it can’t all be about your needs only- and can’t only be one way.

How much of the emotional support you wanted did you actually offer to your partner??? You sort of need to model the behaviour you want to see… No?

Anyway - affairs happen. People move on.
But really do spend the time now to reflect on the unrealistic romantic idea you have about relationships. Or - find someone who is really insecure who’d want to be that guy who only focuses on your wellbeing. As this is the only setup where you can get what you seem to want.

This. First few paragraphs were “I settled down and had kids with totally the wrong guy for me”. You can’t expect anyone to totally change their personality for you.

Very good post.
Thanks for this, you've just made me appreciate what I have with my DP.
I'm getting older and sometimes yearn for that young love but really need to remember to love what I have now.

OP your husband didn’t meet your emotional needs. I think you need to accept that and look to the future. He doesn’t want to reconcile and you in reality weren’t happy with him and were missing something you got from the affair partner.
I would look for counselling for yourself to help you navigate this period and change and talk through these events.

You’ll find someone who adores you in time.

Yea, of course cos many people live in fairy tale land.

Life is not like that.

You see it on here every day.

Did you confess your affair or did you find out? I do think from reading this you’re perhaps a little shell shocked that him finding out about the affair didn’t have the desired effect. He hasn’t pandered to you and has just moved on. I’m not sure what you were expecting if he isn’t emotionally open to you.

Perhaps your ego wasn’t expecting it.

Im not judging you, Its easy to judge an affair but I believe you wouldn’t do it if you were content and happy. And there is your answer. No point dwelling, time to move on and it’s scary.

Op do you only want him back as you’re homeless and living with your mother? I’m guessing that’s not easy and not through choice. So potentially you’re back to thinking I can be happy if I’m back with him, least I have my own place and he does half the parenting when I’m there.

he doesn’t want you back. And I don’t think many would blame him, you don’t want him back as you think he’s the right guy for you. Clearly. So why do you want him back, the answer is possibly because of the lifestyle benefits. So still being self serving.

You betrayed your husband and cheated on him - not just a one night stand but a lengthy affair - and you expect your husband to ‘work on himself’ too? Sorry, but your behaviour is inexcusable and you deserve everything you get. If your husband considers taking you back after what you’ve done, he is quite mad.

Why don't you want the affair guy? You said you felt safe and like he carried the weight of the world for you.
I think you should focus on coparenting and finding adequate housing.

OP,
This reads to me to me as you (albeit very unskillfully and dangerously) used an affair as a way to provoke change to your relationship because it was unsatisfactory?

I can understand that you were frustrated and maybe didnt want to end it but change it but unfortunately an affair does actually end the relationship.

This is not necessarily a terrible thing (even if it hurts terribly at the time)

This is actually a new start for you. You can explore how to become better at relationships with both yourself and others.

Learn better communication skills, improve the understanding of your own emotions and how to feel safe and help others feel safe. What honesty means and how to do it. How to soothe yourself. Why you chose an emotionally unavailable man. How you contributed to his behaviour. Why you could give yourself permission to lie without considering his feelings. The list goes on.

If you can get a solid understanding of how and why you acted in this way and how to deal in future with the feelings that drove you to cheat/lie (including recognising it made sense for you to do so at the time and letting go of the shame), you will be in much better shape so this self study is a win-win for you.

Some good resources:
Survivinginfidelity.com
Reddit - Support For Waywards.
Podcasts - Sam's Healing Podcast, Helping Couples Heal etc
Affarir recovery channel on Youtube.

I read you are having therapy. Note that not all therapists are knowledgable about betrayal.
Betrayal is severe and actually changes the brain of those betrayed. The above resources can help you. It will be a long process, you also need to heal.

I agree and many posters are not particularly helpful. People don't wake up in the morning and think "hmm think I'll cheat on my partner today, seems like a great idea".

As with all traumatic events there is a lot of background to explore and healing to do. Shaming doesn't help, it just slows down the process.

People need to be shown kindness and understanding in order to become kinder to themselves and others.

OP: regarding this comment:
"I think initially he did want to work on us, but when I asked what this would look like, it felt like he wanted me to do all the work and couldn't really answer what he would bring to the reconciliation."

You have to fully let go of this kind of thinking for now. During recovery from infidelity the initial heavy lifting,which can take years, has to be done by the betrayer not by the betrayed.

You are essentially starting a relationship from scratch a bit like strangers with the added complication of one person knowing they have been lied to. So it is your job to work very hard to prove that you are in fact trustworthy. This all presumes he is even willing to try.

If you manage to stick that out for the time it takes, and become literally a great partner, then if he wants to continue with you he will eventually see that he also needs to change. If he doesn't then you can end the relationship ethically and you will likely go on to have a good relationship with a new partner armed with your vastly improved self knowledge and skills.

But don't expect him to change for you right now.

But I still have this probably unrealistic hope that he might turn round and say 'I want to work on our relationship and I don't want to lose you'. Instead I feel like he's just let me go

urgh. My ex, having moved in with the woman he’d been having an affair with for 2 years, once asked me why I didn’t fight for him. What he meant was why did you take your rings off and accept it was over 2 weeks after I buggered off because I would have come back if I thought you wanted me. And that was the point. I didn’t want him. He had betrayed my trust, potentially exposed me to STIs, used family monies on entertaining the OW etc etc etc, who the fuck wants someone like that in their life?

Of course he just let you go. You engineered it that way and pretend you’re the one who’s hard done by. Grow the fuck up.

I’ve been through similar and all it brought was a mess and mass confusion. My affair happened as I had disconnected from my hubbie and he was drinking lots. It was not his fault, I take full blame for it but it happened as I was very unhappy, I thought having an affair would bring me happiness. It didn’t as it is just a sticking plaster. My hubbie does not know but I have had to live with this for several years and that is my doing. I decided to work harder at my marriage and cut distractions off. I had a bit of therapy but mostly got through it myself. My point is you can get past this you both need to want it enough. My hubbie knows we have had marriage issues and my head spun but not the full extent. It is a very tricky one but time will tell, you sound confused about what you want at the moment. I don’t think working with this guy helps at all.

You made choices your husband can not live with and in doing so, ended your marriage. You have to accept this and find a way to move forward.